Significant others: Having the talk ...

How to explain ERE, arranging family matters
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Re: Significant others: Having the talk ...

Post by Lemur »


Often I just lay out my thought process in writing, reach a conclusion, and re-read it a few times to see if it logically makes sense and the arrived conclusion is not some sort of fallacy. You're spot on why I made the post - I did not like the conclusions I came up with and I wanted to see what others would chime in with. Perhaps a different perspective is what I hoped to see.

In this situation, my understanding is that I can not have my cake and eat it too...unless there is some sort of other path I have not thought of. Most of the time in these cases, I'll just do what the fox does: ... Grapes.jpg decides he does not want the grapes anyway.

This perspective is unique though. I like your second paragraph - I stopped at 1 move ahead and like a bad chess player I didn't go one step further. I thought of my move (quit job)...then my Spouse's move (she resents)...and did not think of my next move after that other than well I shouldn't have made that move (I stopped at first formed impression). Your right - this predicament was more core then the Wheaton level. Thinking now...the ladder doesn't have much to do with it. This is solely a relationship struggle.

For some people, I think this problem is not really a problem at all. For instance, they would just quit and if the other spouse continues to work that is there choice. Unfortunately - I've read too many blogs and my data is telling me this often does not end well. I value my marriage too much and there is a reason I have been married for 7+ years without coming close to any sort of breakup or divorce.

In a final analysis, one good enough solution might be to find some form of work that still brings in cash flow and 529 funded (keeps Spouse happy) but does not make me too miserable and thinking about quitting my job all the time. After all, with current compounding my salary does not matter too much and if we correlate salary with job stress, it shouldn't matter if I trade in for a lower income / lower stress & hours. A potential winding down of hours over time may allow my Spouse to adapt to the changes...rather than abrupt change. Most don't like abrupt change. We previously agreed this $ amount is $750k. 64% of the way there...

I have done that several times in my life with great success though. I had a job once I just walked out of (literally) and never came back lol. My spouse knows this as I tendency I have - maybe that is part of the defense mechanism. I'm for abrupt change...she is not. She is actually the smarter one in this case I think. She really is the yin to my yang.

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Re: Significant others: Having the talk ...

Post by IlliniDave »

I'm not up on your specifics, but a piece of financial advice I read somewhere was to defer to the more conservative of spouses/partners when sizing the nest egg.

I think your last post hits the nail on the head in terms of defining an interim solution. Find a job that you won't obsess about quitting. Or if it's a pattern, teach yourself not to obsess over quitting jobs just because they are jobs. Get her to define a financial resource target where she'd be comfortable with you retiring, and redouble you efforts to accelerate its attainment.

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Re: Significant others: Having the talk ...

Post by 2Birds1Stone »

I'm usually trying to get people to get out of toxic work situations by simplifying the numbers and making a logical case for it. Sometimes other factors trump logic. In your situation, if the target is $750k, and your current spending is ~$24k/yr, then I would just stick it out a little while longer. Accumulation is on easy mode with your high salary + spouses income. Not many people are able to accumulate 3-4+ years of expenses per year of working. The finish line is close, so long as you don't move the goalposts.

I had a similar target in my head before getting married, but now not sure if we want to rely on living on such a low budget each year. The past 18 months have opened our eyes to the vulnerability of being priced out of housing in places we want to be, while geoarbitrage plans get squashed due to global situation. There are ways of mitigating some of these factors, and at the end of the day you have to decide how much risk *you're* ok with. You're, meaning collectively with your spouse.

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Re: Significant others: Having the talk ...

Post by 7Wannabe5 »


Sounds like a plan. I was mostly trying to point to the likelihood that the two of you are actually closer on this issue than two player system makes it seem.
“IlliniDave” wrote: defer
Shudder. Why I am not likely to become significantly involved ever again. -lol.

But, speaking to the kids out there (especially those with kids), I agree with the advice you mentioned, because it is analogous to advice that partner with lower sex drive should generally defer to higher sex drive partner. It’s up to the lower drive partner to figure out and communicate to higher drive partner how they can enjoy “working” towards higher standard.

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