Wedding gift

How to explain ERE, arranging family matters
Frita
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Re: Wedding gift

Post by Frita » Thu May 02, 2019 8:35 pm

@prognastat

Jennypenny is right that in some social circles there is an expectation for a gift and everyone seems to get invited. The generous interpretation would be inclusivity. I question if it isn’t just for gifts and to pass the proverbial hat for funds to pay for the event. Perhaps this is from where the idea for GoFundMe came (which I also find distasteful).

BTW I also experience the same quandary with funerals.

prognastat
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Re: Wedding gift

Post by prognastat » Thu May 02, 2019 9:18 pm

That is the thing I would concerned about if everyone is getting invited even when there is little sense in them being present as a way of getting the participants to help pay for the event.

Given that my whole extended family paid for our whole honeymoon being a trip and hotel in Paris for 5 days and spent maybe $300(travelled there by train, plus a subway pass and a super cheap hotel) and we were so grateful for the experience. Expecting people to help out with your $7,500 trip though is a little insane to me.

Peanut
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Re: Wedding gift

Post by Peanut » Thu May 02, 2019 10:16 pm

Agree with everything JP said. They invited you because you are part of their social circle. They will reciprocate when your children get married, if you want them to. And I'm a little unclear but it seems you know both the groom and bride's parents? You certainly seem familiar with the children's lives, at least.

@prognastat: At our wedding it was a given that both our parents would have a certain number of invites for whichever friends of theirs they wanted to invite. My parents had a ton of friends, more than me maybe. It didn't matter in the least that I barely knew them personally. They attended weddings of friends' kids regularly too. (Another truth that I think would shock many here is that some people truly love weddings and love attending them!)

BTW for a diy ERE solution I also think it is fine for you to spend nothing or next to nothing if you can make them a wedding present instead. Something very crafty that commemorates their relationship in some way will appeal to most people, especially people who go on Sandals vacations in the first place. I'm sure there are a million ideas on Pinterest and one probably needs little prior experience or skill if one finds the right template.
unemployable wrote:
Thu May 02, 2019 3:06 pm
It's normal that OP is invited to this kind of wedding. What is tacky is the blatant cash grab for such ephemeral ends.

The true rich, the true socially secure, don't have these problems, you know. The parents, still usually the bride's parents, pay for the wedding and it's a true social event.

That's not friendship; that's keeping up with the Joneses.
Who cares what the true rich do? Why are they an ideal model to emulate? In my plebeian observation the wealthiest seem to care the most about keeping up with the Joneses, even if it's just about getting into NYT weddings.

These are obviously some range of middle-class people. Everything they are doing is normal, if tacky. Funding honeymoons has been a trend in weddings for at least a decade. A lot of guests love to do it bc they are helping to buy experiences, which millennials prize more than things, as we all know. And for many it's not an ephemeral end as it pays dividends throughout a couple's relationship. Many people reminisce fondly about their way-too-expensive honeymoon. And I'm not speaking from personal experience in that defense, but I think a lot of the judgment in this thread is just way off base.

unemployable
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Re: Wedding gift

Post by unemployable » Thu May 02, 2019 11:02 pm

You're confusing money with class. By "true rich" I probably should've said upper-class.

George the original one
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Re: Wedding gift

Post by George the original one » Fri May 03, 2019 10:37 am

Zemblanity in action. The parents don't sound all that close as friends, at least it sounds like you don't think so, and you're probably better off steering clear of them.

Now, as far as gift-giving in general, the gift is never about the giver, but about the recipient. In that regard, one should be generous, but not in a way that materially affects one's plans.

Jason
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Re: Wedding gift

Post by Jason » Fri May 03, 2019 10:45 am

Being asked to subsidize a honeymoon in the guise of friendship with a struggling couple who are already parents? WTF? Unless you are divorce attorney where there will be future benefit, how is this even a debate?

Toska2
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Re: Wedding gift

Post by Toska2 » Fri May 03, 2019 12:45 pm

Showing my INTJ-ness here. I made it clear wedding gifts are cut-n-dry for me. $100 family (my generation), $50 friends & other family and $25 for everyone else. I have a large family, I don't get invited to half of the weddings in this subset. I also grew up in an economically depressed area, I had handme downs from my cousins.

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Re: Wedding gift

Post by jacob » Fri May 03, 2019 12:55 pm

An alternative strategy (which I haven't implemented) might be to use a "hassle tax"-system. This is meant to eliminate agonizing over such details. Every year, budget a total amount for such things: wedding presents, parking tickets, involuntary restaurant invites, ... Lets say $300 or whatever. Consider this the cost of your personal calmness or wa. When the year is up, everything that has not been spent yet gets donated to charity. End-of-discussion. This way there's no lost sleep being annoyed by life's pesky details/general unfairness, etc.

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jennypenny
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Re: Wedding gift

Post by jennypenny » Fri May 03, 2019 2:27 pm

LOL ... I wouldn't equate a wedding invitation with parking tickets. Most hosts pay over $100 per guest, so an invitation (esp with a +1) is a gracious gesture and show of good will towards those invited. It's not the same as a standard dinner invitation. And as Peanut said, weddings are fun.

note: For those of you who don't like social events and are therefore choosy wrt them, choose the weddings and funerals for the most bang for your buck (socially as well as financially).

anesde
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Re: Wedding gift

Post by anesde » Fri May 03, 2019 3:49 pm

This thread is great.

I’m with Toska2 - set limits of cash depending on how close I am to the couple. Usually $200 /$300 but if I take a Guest it’ll be $300 / $400. Seems high but most weddings I’ve been to are in high COL areas and I also like to be generous in more “anonymous” situations (I.e the couple knows but no one else needs to). Destination weddings means no gifts.

If I don’t attend, I don’t give - I thought that was fairly standard? I usually attend though, love weddings.

Personally for my own upcoming wedding we’re being clear we want no gifts. Many ppl will have to travel and their presence is all we want. I would hope others would follow this but most don’t think that way.

Ive seen the trend on honeymoons and I find it very distasteful. I don’t even really like registries (never buy anything off them) but I have a big adversion to a) material possessions and b) asking for money.

I give because if I go I generally like one (hopefully both) of the couple and want to pay my share + some for attending their special day. I will say that weddings without open bars AND asking for honeymoon cash leave me heavily judging the couple...

For the OP I wouldn’t give anything as you’re not attending and you aren’t close.

prognastat
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Re: Wedding gift

Post by prognastat » Fri May 03, 2019 6:54 pm

I can understand the registries if they are filled with relatively sane household items to help out a new married couple start a life together(even if in many cases the items on them aren't the reasonable versions). However paying for an expensive honeymoon not so much.

Also I don't enjoy weddings. It's time spent with a large amount of people that I have little in common with and most of whom I barely or don't know and will likely not see again. That's practically a personally tailored hell for me. It's something I'll gladly suffer through for family and close friends, but that's about it.

Frita
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Re: Wedding gift

Post by Frita » Sun May 05, 2019 12:05 pm

So when DH and I were discussing with DS14, my teenager replied, “Five nights for $7600? They should be able to travel for six months on that.” Then he continued to suggest strategies and countries to visit. Yea!

If nothing else, it’s time to automate the wedding gift process despite not liking the money grab nor being a fan of weddings in general.

1. Set amounts based on relationships and attendance.
2. Create an annual budget in the donations/gifts given. Consider whether non attendance requires a gift (perhaps based on #1).

DutchGirl
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Re: Wedding gift

Post by DutchGirl » Mon May 06, 2019 7:22 am

I agree on setting amounts based on relationships and attendance. Given that this is a far-away-relationship and that you're not going to the wedding, for me I'd say $25. Maybe $50. Tops.

I think that you should ignore what they are going to use the cash for. You're giving a gift to celebrate a certain happy event; the recipient(s) can use that gift as they please.

Say you bought someone a toaster. And say they ruin that toaster by, I don't know, trying to heat a sandwich bought at the store in it with the plastic wrapper still on it. I think you wouldn't have the right to be hurt about that. You gave them a functional toaster, they ruined it, their loss. (Not yours).

Frita
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Re: Wedding gift

Post by Frita » Mon May 06, 2019 9:47 am

@DutchGirl

Your toaster example was my first belly laugh of the day, the week, and May. Yep, I suppose that it’s up to them whether to waste their gift or not. (One of my core values is nonwasting. I dislike being on the receiving end of gift giving and donating to some nonprofits/charities for the same reason.)

prognastat
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Re: Wedding gift

Post by prognastat » Mon May 06, 2019 12:24 pm

Well purely from an economic standpoint (non-monetary)gifts are wasteful as often gifts are given with an underlying expectation that a gift of similar value be returned at some point leaving you financially equal, but only if they buy the item you would have wanted to buy anyway in the way you would have. For example if you always buy used or on sale, but the giver bought it brand new/not on sale it is effectively a less efficient purchase for you. That also doesn't include the large amount of stuff that often is gifted that isn't exactly what you want/need causing further waste.

Of course the only reasons we put up with this is a combination of tradition and strengthening interpersonal bonds that hopefully will improve your happiness/wellbeing. Of course when the recipient is someone you don't really care for anymore and aren't interested in maintaining/expanding the relationship with there is only the waste left.

Frita
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Re: Wedding gift

Post by Frita » Thu May 30, 2019 9:52 am

Update: The bride,the groom, and their daughter have moved to a town a couple hours away. She did send out a Facebook message that she is going to be sending out her new address so that people who cannot attend the wedding ceremony can send a card or gift.

Call me old fashioned and judgmental, but that is tacky. I already got the invitation and RSVP, both of which had the gift registries printed directly on there (also a no-no in my book). This has alleviated any guilt I may have felt for the proper amount to gift.

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jennypenny
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Re: Wedding gift

Post by jennypenny » Thu May 30, 2019 10:01 am

Lol ... that is tacky. Maybe you should give them an etiquette book as a gift instead. ;)

Frita
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Re: Wedding gift

Post by Frita » Thu May 30, 2019 10:09 am

@jennypenny
Ha, that though also crossed my mind! I won’t do that though as it feels passive-aggressive. Knowing her soon-to-be MIL, it will only get worse as she is trained in her husband’s family culture.

Jason
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Re: Wedding gift

Post by Jason » Sat Jun 01, 2019 7:10 am

At this point, I would just return the favor by sending them an invite to a Gin & Juice orgy.

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