Housemating

[conwy]

Wanted to open a thread for those of us who have been sharing a house or apartment with housemates or flatmates.

It dawned on me the other day that I've been doing this for about 10+ years now, and I've gotten quite used to it and become quite well adapted to it. It's certainly helped me to save a fortune on rent and I've met some cool and interesting people along the way, some of who I still keep in touch with.

I might start by listing out the types of situations I've flatted in:

• Leaseholder, having others stay. I did this 2-3 times. I was careful about who I allowed to stay, even if it meant waiting a while for the right person. I found these arrangements quite fun, but they included some risk as well. Sometimes the risk was from flatmates moving out early. Once it was from flatmates behaving inappropriately (smoking in a prohibited building) causing me to lose the lease. Once I was physically threatened by a housemate, who was in a bit of a tough spot in life and going through a lot of mental anguish. Overall, being lease-holder was fun when I did it, but I don't think I'll ever do it again. Too much responsibility and hassle.
• Joining an existing houseshare. I've done this a handful of times, including my current accommodation. I like this option a lot, especially when living in a new part of the world, because it's often a sociable environment and you get to learn about locals and see how people live. We've done anything from have a BBQ together to going to gym to going out for drinks. It's great for opening social doors and staying motivated. The only downside is that the constant socialising gets a bit tiring sometimes, especially after a long hard day at work, when you just want to curl up in a ball and be by yourself. Fortunately, I've only really had to socialise when others are around, and everyone also respects my personal space. When I go up to my room, I'm totally on my own and can "zone out".
• Renting a room directly from an agency. I've also done this many times, and it's probably my favourite sharing option. I get almost the same privacy as my own flat, and only have to share a kitchen and bathroom. Because it's through an agency, I only have to pay one bill, so there's no complication over usage of electricity/gas, who owns what cooking implements, etc. Housemates in this scenario may also be sociable, but it's usually a bit more toned down and people go their separate ways in their spare time.

I hope to keep renting shared accommodation for as long as possible, until I'm simply too old to do so, or some other arrangement becomes more cost effective (e.g. living in an RV or a boat home).

I'd like to continue learning and building skills for dealing with shared accommodation.

Some skills I've been working on:

• Shower routines - designing these so that I can spend maximal time in the shower without interfering with others. E.g. showering at night rather than morning.
• Cooking routines - optimising cooking procedures so that I can make and eat dinner within a small timeslot, e.g. 1 hour, again to avoid interfering with others, but also just to free up time generally.
• Soft skills - there's inevitably some friction and even conflict when multiple people inhabit a small shared space. I try to keep alert to whatever might annoy people and modify my behaviour accordingly. One trick I've used a lot, when I do occasionally stuff up, is to offer compliments and positivity rather than apologies. People don't seem to like being apologised to nearly as much as they like being offered a compliment or some kind of positive remark. At least, that's how I feel. I also try to be honest and clear when someone else's behaviour annoys me, like people being noisy late at night.

Keen to hear everyone else's tips & tricks for cohabiting.

[Demosthenes]

Thanks for posting this Conwy. It's really great to aggregate people's experiences like this.

I lived with room mates for 7 years during university and a little bit afterwards. My first year with room mates was on campus with fellow students. It was definitely more expensive than many alternatives, but it helped a lot later on due to having a wide social group. My parent's helped me out by funding a down payment for a house which had 4+1 bedrooms. They had me rent out the rooms to other students and manage the bills and other house maintenance tasks. It was a huge learning curve for a 19 year old, but I eventually got the hang of it. I pulled most of my room mates for the first year from my friend group, but afterwards they went their separate ways and I had to use Kijiji (Canada's Craig's List) to find the rest.

I found that selecting the right room mates was key to having a great housing experience. It's really difficult to stick to your guns however when you're losing $500 a month for every empty room you have. I had four terrible room mates (luckily never at the same time). I never had to evict anyone, but heavy suggestion to move out was used.

[thrifty++]

I have mainly lived in shared housing. I lived by myself for 3 years and wasted a ton of money doing so.

I have found that I much prefer being the leaseholder. Its quite stressful and expensive in the beginning while you set up the house and pay the lease fees and bond, buy all the furniture and house items and all the rent while you set up and furnish the place and find roommates. However over the longer term I find it much better both quality of home life and cost-wise. I find that you can set the room rates higher so that your share of the rent can become much smaller. This over time eats up the initial entry costs and then also makes you financially better off beyond that cross over point. I find that the longer you are in a place the better off financially you are as landlords dont seem to increase rent for good tenants, not for the first 2 or 3 years anyway, but you can keep increasing room rates to match market rates as your roommates turnover. Also in a sense the place is kind of yours, almost like owning it. You make the place yours and there is a sense of that among the room-mates - and you set the culture of the place. I have had only good roommates , some of who are great friends now still. I think it comes down to picking the right people to match you. I also tell them everything in the beginning at the first interview so they know what to expect - eg that I can be a hermit and like to spend time in my room and not to take that personally etc, and that I am quite fussy with cleanliness etc. And if they dont like that they wont want to move in.

On the other hand I have not enjoyed living in shared flats much. I have often felt more under pressure to socialise which has been stressful for an introvert. And also have found that there has been a lot more unpleasant conflict, and partying and mess and drama etc.

I will only ever be a leaseholder again if I can. I will avoid joining existing share houses. Because I find it so much better being leaseholder. Yes there is some occassional expense between roommates but overall financially i think it is way better if you manage it well.

I am hoping to move on from having roommates at some point though and would rather have a partner to spread living costs with and just live two to a house.

[Lemon]

I have never lived on my own either, I am not sure I would enjoy it!

I think the most crucial thing is selecting compatible roommates and so developing a skill of detecting what people are actually like rather than when on best behaviour. Everyone says the are clean and tidy, because even a slob doesn't want to live with more slobs, a clean freak who cleans all their stuff until driven mad is preferable. I have only had one flatmate that was sufficiently bad I got them evicted (more continuous low levels things than anything else, they seemed surprised that despite multiple warnings from the landlord they were evicted).

Same for how sociable people are going to expiate a flat to be. Being the only shut in sucks as much as the only person who wants people to go out as a flat.

Never been the primary leaseholder (always shared) I don't think that UK landlords tend to take too kindly to it. I do prefer being the lead for bills when renting with friends because I know I am more likely to switch to the best deals and I don't mind floating people until payday (Never not been paid within 1 pay day of asking for the cash). I actually prefer communal cooking as a way to cut down on things but this requires a higher level of roommate matching. When it works it is awesome as cheaper, less washing up and less cooking. Outside of living with a partner this is rare though (done for 20% of total renting time).

My current place I live with my partner and one other. We get the vastly better deal as the other keeps himself to himself in his room 90% plus of the time home (I have never got home to find him in communal spaces other than when cooking, he just never seems to use them). It sometimes makes me feel like we have taken over (he was here first) but the above action and the fact when we deliberately offer to include him (guests, cooked too much, just offer a drink) he accepts and we haven't had him complain makes me think we just got lucky.

My preference is also to be the person who does slightly more upkeep than everyone else. It means you tend to be left alone if for any given reason you once in a while do something that slightly annoys a flatmate, prevent flat breakdown. I have had that happen once, not involving me and it isn't pretty.

Edit: The most awkward (and niche not apply to most) thing I have happen is flatmates ask for medical advice. This is makes me prefer other healthcare professionals who know better not to/don't need to.

[BPA]

Interesting experiences and perspectives.

I am a homeowner who rents (cheaply) to relatives. Currently, I live in a four-bedroom house with my brother and son and will soon be moving to a duplex where my brother and I will live in one three-bedroom apartment, and my son, and likely his girlfriend, will live in the other two-bedroom one. Since at that point I will be mortgage-free and they are family, my goal is to have us all reap the benefits of cohabitation, and I figure that charging my brother $250 a month and my son $350 a month will meet the cost of utilities and taxes and I will be responsible for upkeep.

I am really lucky that we all get along. There are some family members I could not live with for any amount of rent.

Should either my brother and my son choose to move out, I would likely rent the apartment for $600 a month and a room in my apartment for $350. I will be living in a summer tourist destination, so I was thinking AirBNB might be a good idea too.

Thanks to those who are posting their experiences living with strangers. I haven't done that since university and never as the owner or leaseholder, so your experience and perspective is valuable to me.

I am also grateful for communities like this one that favour frugality since I get a little tired of many who follow more spendthrift lifestyles and think having roommates is something to be avoided at all costs.

[wood]

Experience by age and life situation:

19 - military service: First experience living with others (6 men in one room). Filth was not an issue as there were strict cleaning procedures. The social aspect was very nice, we all felt like friends after about a month.

20-23 - university: Living with 3 roommates in a small basement apartment (1st and 2nd floor was closed off and housed a family of 4) in suburb. I remember moving in without having seen the place beforehand and without knowing anyone. Rent was dirt cheap. The place didn't have a living room so the kitchen and occasionally two of our rooms were used as common area. At one point I had two of my close friends from senior high school living there. That was a nice social experience, although I quickly got annoyed by one of them who to my surprise never cleaned up. The problem was solved with a game of points with beer as currency. At the end of the semester, the most industrious of us got beers from the other roommates. Emptying the dishwasher and taking the garbage became a competition!
From other roommates in that place, 2 of them are still my friends today. I think I met a total of 10 roommates during my stay there. I really enjoyed the aspect of having a chance to socialize at any time of the day/night and withdrawing to my private room when I felt like it.
I remember sex being somewhat of an issue though. All rooms were next to each other in a narrow hallway so we could hear each other loud and clear, even at the kitchen trying to eat breakfast.

23-27 - girlfriend: First experience living with one person. Enjoyed it very much.

27-32 - leaseholder: Various setups in a 2-bedroom large apartment downtown. At one point living alone while in a long distance relationship. At another point living with a roommate while in a long distance relationship. Also, living with girlfriend/wife together with a roommate. Never more than 1 roommate at a time, 5 roommates in total all of them women. People are very different. One of them always stayed in her room. 3 of them had dog and I love dogs. Living with girlfriend+roommate worked surprisingly well. I was worried it would be too weird.
Being the "landlord" in the apartment and roommates being women, I didn't form any close friendship with any of them. Never slept with any either. Just kept a friendly tone and everything was pretty smooth. Bedrooms were smaller than my room during university, so seeking privacy became the biggest issue. Hanging out happened in the living room so I didn't get alone time unless the roommate was out of the house and vice versa.

32 - single apartment: First experience living alone. I really enjoy it. Rent is cheap, otherwise I'd be housemating.

The biggest plus with housemating for me is definetely the social aspect. Not only do you get roommates to socialize with, but they occasionally introduce their friends to you. It's a great way to network and socialize, especially if you change roommates over time. I'm biased because I mostly had positive experiences, bar a couple weird but tolerable ones.

[suomalainen]

My parent's helped me out by funding a down payment for a house which had 4+1 bedrooms. They had me rent out the rooms to other students and manage the bills and other house maintenance tasks. It was a huge learning curve for a 19 year old, but I eventually got the hang of it.

This is a great idea. Or it could be for the right kid. I will have to think about this.

First 1.5 years at college - same roommate in a dorm. Easy roommate, no hassles other than trying to figure out weekend meals. We had no access to the cafeteria and all we had was a microwave at the end of the hall. Lotta ramen.

Two years in Finland doing missionary work - 22 "companions" (sounds sexual, but it ain't) over 23 months in 5 different apartments. Usually two to a room, but six to a large room on two occasions. Not only did we live together, but we worked together. Some great companions, some shitty ones, but a good experience learning how to work and live with different personality types. Really hated one guy. That was a looooong 2 months.

Second 1.5 years at college, 3 roommates in a 2 bedroom apartment. No big deal, just the usual irritations of fridge space and cleaning up the kitchen. We hooked our computers together and played a shitton of Minecraft. Good times. I also enjoyed finding one of my roommate's nudie pics of his girlfriend.

Moved in with wife and then added kids. It's been 16+ years. Can't say I'd recommend it. Of all the religious talks I listened to, perhaps this one line stands out as the best thing ever spoken over the pulpit, something like: The family garden is the best place to grow the skills needed to be a [successful or good or something] adult - compassion, patience, long-suffering, kindness, etc.

Being part of a family is hard and close cohabitation is part of what makes it hard (add in full-time work and the worry/stress of parenting and your plate is full!). I sometimes write my name on food items and I gather everyone into the kitchen and make a big announcement: "THIS CHOCOLATE BAR IS MINE. SEE?! I WROTE MY NAME ON IT. SO NOBODY EAT THIS CHOCOLATE BAR WHICH I SPECIFICALLY WENT TO THE STORE AND PURCHASED SO I COULD EAT IT AT A FUTURE DATE AND TIME OF MY CHOOSING. NOBODY EAT MY CHOCOLATE BAR. IT'S MINE. SEE THE NAME? MINE!" Also done with ice cream and soda. I'm also not above hiding certain items. It's Lord of the Flies at my house.