Lemur Journal!

[Lemur]

Basically what I mean when I say nothing else matters is that I feel like my primary focus is pain management, rehabilitation, and recovery where self-actualization is on permanent hiatus. Additionally…tough to focus on any sort of intellectual activities from exhaustion.

It’s frustrating but there is some hope which I try to remind myself. Recovery will not be linear.

My out of pocket max is $12,000 for this year. Small price to pay if that what it takes. Thankfully, I have that position in this life.

[7Wannabe5]

Yes, it also makes it very difficult to be optimistically future-oriented.

[Slevin]

Agreed; if this is causing so much pain and discomfort, you need professional help. I would probably stop the training until the PT, if you think it may have contributed to the increase in pain. I would definitely stop anything doing compression of the spine / loading the spine (farmers walks). See if anything helps with the discomfort, Lean on that heavily. I’ve been there, just hang on. Hopefully the docs / PTs can help.

[Lemur]

@Slevin

yeah I've pretty much deteriorated to just walking now. Even that is painful :/ .

February 1, 2024

Net-worth:
$780k (Up $15k)

Finances: Swing trading with SoFi stock and collecting premiums from put selling and covered calls simultaneously. Using any capital gains and premiums to build up JEPQ position. I set up an arbitrary goal to have $100k worth of JEPQ in my Brokerage this year. I'm at $16k.

Spending/SWR: One of our lowest spending months in a real long time. $2,285.62. Represents a SWR of 3.52% for the month. Root cause is almost zero driving and no dining out as I'm pretty much homebound due to health problems.

Health: Miserable both physical and mental. Only positive news is I reestablished my enrollment with the VA and they're covering everything. So getting an MRI this month, starting PT at some point, and if it comes to it (I'm giving a high probability >75%) they will cover surgery. My lower back no longer has an inward curve and my lower spine is actually starting to bulge out. Absolutely bizarre. Running theories are spinal fluid buildup, maybe a cyst/tumor, or my L5-S1 disc finally collapsed for good and my vertebrae are just out of place because of that. MRI should confirm what is going on. I'm glad I got back in with the VA though - it will save me a lot of money but also they're pretty attentive to needs.

Learning / Reading: Waiting on SD book from the library. I think only an E-book version is available last I checked my order status. I've never been a fan of e-books so I'll probably just buy the book if it comes to it. Otherwise, I still very much have trouble focusing on anything.

Job: Sticking with it as long as possible until I get through health problems. I can't even sit without pain and can't stand for long either. I decided that if for whatever reason my reasonable accommodation is not accepted from HR, then I'll just quit. Due to now being with the VA, I am not even bound by the employer health insurance - but I'll have to extend to cover my family or look at ACA plans.

I'm not even being proactive about remote positions either. Partly due to lack of motivation but also partly that maybe its now time for me to exercise these financial independence powers. Not the way I imagined how it would go down but that is just what the dusty road of life has taken me. My Spouse hopes this doesn't happen and I can recover and pursue my original goal of getting 5 years at this employer but she also gave me the blessings to do what I've to do. It would not be difficult for us at all for me to take off work for a period of time, recover, and go from there. Wherever that ends up leading.

Despite everything, extremely grateful as always to be in a financial position to allow me to have options like that.

[NewBlood]

Sorry to hear you've been struggling so much Lemur. I hope the MRI provides clarity.

[grundomatic]

Despite everything, extremely grateful as always to be in a financial position to allow me to have options like that.

Seems like every week my wife comes back from socializing and expresses her gratefulness for our financial situation, so I don't know what horror stories she is hearing from her friends, but I, too, am grateful. Looking back now, really all we've done at our house is be "somewhat reasonable" with our money. While I can remember living on the edge financially, I can't remember how I dealt with it mentally. Probably a combination of "ignorance is bliss", "my time is coming", and "it'll work itself out". In any case, hope you can get some relief from your physical pain.

[mooretrees]

Dang! Really hope some Western medicine helps! It’s pretty amazing how constant pain constricts a life. I hope you feel better soon.

[not sure]

Not sure if it would help with your problem, but my family has been using bee venom to treat chronic back pain. Requires access to live bees and and having an epipen as a precaution (in case you are allergic). Very inexpensive though, if you can catch bees in your own garden.
This solution was discovered when mom had acute pain, that could have been similar to your experience, although I was not there and am not a doctor.

[Western Red Cedar]

I'm just catching up on your journal and really sorry to hear what you are dealing with. A good friend at work had some pretty severe back issues which required several years of treatment, with extended stays at specialists in Chicago and St. Louis. Our employer was able to accommodate him and was pretty flexible with extended sick leave, FMLA, or unpaid leave. He told me the mental aspects and depression were often worse than the physical pain. The good news is he just retired early and is in pretty good health.

I decided that if for whatever reason my reasonable accommodation is not accepted from HR, then I'll just quit. Due to now being with the VA, I am not even bound by the employer health insurance - but I'll have to extend to cover my family or look at ACA plans.

-----

Despite everything, extremely grateful as always to be in a financial position to allow me to have options like that.

Based on how severe this all is, you might consider FMLA or something like that prior to quitting to give you some time to evaluate your options.

I hope the tests help you figure out what is wrong and that you are able to start finding a treatment program or recovering. Glad to read you are finding a silver lining in this awful situation.

[Slevin]

Yes I’m also anxiously waiting on an update. Have the doctors been able to find anything helpful for you? Muscle relaxers, etc? Have you been bedridden for a week straight, unable to sit up? I’m hoping more of the first than the second.

[Lemur]

@Newblood

Just had my MRI today. Anxiously awaiting report.

@grundomatic

Gratitude plays a big role in my baseline happiness. Also some comparisons as I think there are probably thousands if not probably millions of people who are facing similar physical conditions such as myself that don't have the option in their back-pocket to simply just to quit it all and rest if they wanted to. Just knowing I've that option at all times is very relieving.

@mooretrees

Thanks mooretrees. I've run out of ideas in these past few weeks/months to resolve this flareup...something about this one is just different. So basically just drinking a lot of water, not sitting too much or doing anything that triggers pain, walking, and just letting the time pass.

@not sure

I'm allergic to bees. Not a fan of them...or wasps. Great for gardens, not good for Lemurs. My grandfather introduced me to this ointment used to treat pain on horses though lol.

@WRC

Being in pain 24/7 around the clock and not being able to sleep well can tear down the most mentally resilient individuals. The mental aspects are definitely underrated in this and I think they partially drive the pain as well.

I am looking into FMLA if I need to have surgery. I think the policy at my agency is that you've to exhaust your sick leave, then your annual leave, then you can take FMLA for up to 12 weeks. That should be enough amount time for me to think about my future plans.

@Slevin

Muscle relaxers did not help. I had gotten so bad early January that I was on painkillers and bedridden for a few days. But eventually the pain died down enough and I've been at least walking again. Can't stand up completely straight and haven't slept well at all. I had to stop taking anti-inflammatories because of stomach pain.

Fortunately the past 3 days, I have been in less pain and I am starting to get better (but not perfect) sleep. So I think the worst is over. I've been extremely careful to not bend at all or do anything that will trigger pain. I met with a trainer at my local gym who showed me this neat trick to press your fingers into the side of your stomach and then brace your core to push your fingers out as a cue for bracing. I've been cognizant of that brace when walking. Seems to have helped some with spinal stability.

[MidsizeLebowski]

Hi @Lemur, this is not medical advice*** as I am but a lowly personal trainer ... but I reviewed a couple of your posts and it sounds like there's a trend here that often leads to, or perpetuates low back pain - the ankle dorsiflexion/flexibility issues you mentioned affecting your ability to do squats, the deadlifts assisting initially but ultimately aggravating your back, and the loss of your lumbar curve all suggest a need to strengthen your back extensors, glutes, and lengthen and strengthen your hamstrings while reducing tone coming down the front of the body - particularly the abdominal muscles themselves. The TVA "Brace" you're doing that the gym trainer showed you helps because it's stabilizing your pelvis temporarily, but ultimately it sounds as though the foundational issue is your pelvis being in extreme posterior tilt. It's easy to test this hairbrained theory of mine - if lying facedown on the floor with your flat palms resting under the forehead (AKA Prone Belly Breathing on youtube) relieves the pressure in your back or causes a significant stretch in your abs.

I would encourage the use of very light loads at most in any exercises you're currently doing until you get the low back issue sorted out - this is absolutely essential as any loading you do in this position will be damaging to your low back as the discs are already 99m into a 100m race so to speak. Definitely do not perform any bilateral lower body movements like squat or deadlift or put a load overhead.

I'd highly suggest seeing a professional with training via the Postural Restoration Institute - there's a providers search on their website. Even if out of pocket for a handful of times simply to gain an education into how to improve the situation/manage it long term. I know consistent pain is discouraging but implore you to remain optimistic my friend, if you're noticing any improvements at all that's a good sign Lemur can resume swinging tree to tree!

[NewBlood]

@Newblood

Just had my MRI today. Anxiously awaiting report.

Crossing my fingers that it helps figure out a path forward! Glad you've finally been getting a bit of relief, stay strong!

[Lemur]

Finally ordered Spiral Dynamics: Mastering Values, Leadership and Change / Beck & Cowan..local library did not have a paperback option. $25 on Ebay is a pretty good deal. Need to check my library also for another book I'm looking for "Critical Path" by Buckminster Fuller.

@NewBlood.

Thanks! Still don't have the report so still very curious what the findings were. Fortunately, I am getting better by the day now. Slowly but surely.

@MidsizeLebowski

Oh I definitely have this in an extreme form. Maybe that explains my lumbar spine pushing out. Posterior Pelvic tilt is a huge problem of mine. Not sure which came first.... The tilt giving me the injuries or the injuries causing the tilt.

I followed along with some exercises to lengthen the hamstrings/glutes/abs and strengthen the hip flexors and back extensors to correct the tilt. This will take a while to see a change. One issue I am having is that due to my disc herniation, and also extremely tight hamstrings, I can't seem to even do the most basic of hamstring stretches without pain...that is a challenge. Still waiting on VA to connect me to PT.

But I'm sleeping through the night lately and my pain is down a bit. So I'm starting to feel better mentally and think clearer. That is good.

[NewBlood]

Fortunately, I am getting better by the day now. Slowly but surely.

Awesome news, glad to hear!

[Lemur]

MRI report shows...

1. Arthritis in every lumbar disc: T12-L1, L1-L2, L2-L3, L3-L4, L4-L5, L5-S1.
2. Disc bulge on L3-L4, L4-L5.
3. Severe herniation on L5-S1 where the right L5 and right S1 nerve roots are both impinged.

Well can't say I'm too surprised. As suspected, its the same disc that has been giving me trouble. This will be the third time I've had a herniation here over the years. Last time was in 2020 and the problem resolved itself after PT and waiting out about 6 months or so.

Arthritis is whatever. Eat healthy, be active and take your omega 3s and that isn't too much of an issue I guess. Everyone gets this with age. Same with disc bulges - those resolve over time with careful movement and PT to prevent the problem getting worse (a more severe bulge or a herniation).

It is the herniation on my L5-S1 that is tricky. From what I've read, if you let nerves stay impinged for a long enough time, you could risk permanent nerve damage. On the other hand, some herniations do reabsorb / disintegrate and resolve themselves given enough time.

Not exactly sure what I want to do here. It is really tempting to get a L5-S1 spinal fusion done and never have to deal with this again (of course this risks potential future complications and adjacent disc issues that I am concerned about). In a spinal fusion, basically the surgeon removes the disc completely, places in a metal/plastic spacer, and screws in the spacer into the vertebra. The spacer is infused with bone craft material so that the bottom and top vertebra fuse together in one bone. Other options are get a discectomy again (a surgeon goes in and simply removes the herniation) or just wait this one out again, potentially months to a year, in hopes that PT and time will heal the wound.

Guess I'll see what my neurosurgeon / doctor suggests. Typically conservative treatment takes priority but I think this might also depend on how bad they think the impingements are. I’m somewhat terrified at the idea of doing another surgery (no going back once its done) so really hoping I can get this one resolved with extensive PT…

[Lemur]

I've made miraculous strides in recovery in the past week. Getting a full nights sleep. I am able to stand up straight. Bump on my lumbar spine is almost gone as I've gotten some return to lordosis.

I felt so good yesterday, I was able to perform 1 set of 20 reps with 60lbs for kettlebell deadlifts. Woke up this morning with normal muscle soreness but no significant pain. The pains I've now are very manageable and don't require ongoing medications. I've no intentions of increasing the weight here significantly or moving to regular deadlifts again.

Gym routine I've is simple - 30 minutes of elliptical for cardio and get my blood flow moving and loosened up. I found out weeks ago I always felt better after doing this so I kept that part of the routine. After that, I do 3 sets of 1 minute holds hanging down from a pull-up bar. This is to create some disc separation and traction. After that, I do some McKenzie press-ups to try to "push" the discs back into place. I can't do much of this but it is not required to push it on this exercise. After all this, I just do a bunch of machine work for other muscle groups but nothing heavy and all high reps. The kettlebell deadlifts are last along with stretches to help with postural problems. This is to help recover strengthen and muscle in my posterior chain / back extensors.

Its perhaps possible now surgery won't even be necessary. I still have a consult next week and I still want to do PT to correct ongoing postural issues but at least now it seems like I can be confident enough to say the suffering is over. My back is still very sensitive - any excess sitting or flexion throws me into problems so I've been very careful and will have to continue to be very careful.

Future goals: Be able to do back extensions with full flexibility. Return to jogging. Fix posture problems.

[NewBlood]

I've made miraculous strides in recovery in the past week. Getting a full nights sleep. I am able to stand up straight. Bump on my lumbar spine is almost gone as I've gotten some return to lordosis.

So relieved for you, Lemur!
Hope progress continues and you're able to improve underlying conditions with the PT.

[Slevin]

Also very glad you’re recovering. I spent a couple nights dying after going a bit too hard on some kettlebell swings (just exceptionally painful soreness I guess), and it was the absolute worst. So I can’t even imagine having that for weeks at a time. Just existing must have been a huge struggle.

[Lemur]

@NewBlood @Slevin - Thanks for checking in on me these past few months. Other then some normal stiffness in the morning, I'm pretty much 90% recovered and only getting better from here.

March 2 ,2024

Net-worth:
$830k (Up $50k)

Finances: Woa! The market is on an absolute tear. Dropped my arbitrary goal to have $100k worth of JEPQ in my Brokerage this year. The original plan was to keep swing trading SoFI and using options trading premiums to build that position up. But I finally solidified a mindset to drop the focus on networth (I'll still track it of course... proverbial $1m is in reach and I'll be lying if I say that doesn't matter to me) per say and focus more on cash flow and dividends all through index funds only (I want to shift my mind to other things instead of looking at stock prices as a daily habit). This needs to be reflected through my actions which is why I dropped my last individual stock for good and stuck it all in various index funds (JEPI, JEPQ, SCHD). I also have a large allocation of cash in VIG and VGIT. I'd also be lying if I say I was not jealous of the NVDA bulls. I was a semi-conductor bull on this forum for years but I got out last year . Lemur doesn't have enough patience for long-term holds despite studying investing philosophy for years.

I believe one concept I never fully respected was TANSTAAFL (Appreciate Jacob's posts in viewtopic.php?t=11994). Over the years, options sort of felt like a free lunch most of the time. I got really good (or lucky?) at picking up pennies in front of steamrollers. But I did get caught occasionally. The root cause was I only focused on the outcomes I wanted and never considered the full range of outcomes. If I consider the full range of outcomes, then I come to understand the risk I'm taking from using leverage is not worth it when my portfolio can already support all my expenses without those risks.

Spending/SWR: One of our highest spending months in a real long time ($3193.14) due to one ER visit (myself), other appointments and medical bills, plus the gas it took to get to those appointments, plus Lemur relishing in some junk foods because comfort reasons. Despite a huge increase in expenses for that month, the SWR still represented only 4.61%. Without the uptick, looking at 3.21%. This reminds me that in retirement, I will have to come to expect the unexpected and have a plan for that financial or otherwise.

Health: Doing great! The past 2 weeks have seen miraculous recovery. I hope to be able to start jogging soon but I am now back to doing similar workouts to where I was before I was injured. I was able to kettlebell deadlift 44kg for 30 reps. I think my neurologist would have a heart attack if he saw me performing this; however, it is my belief that a human being should be able to pick things up and put things down without pain. And be able to touch there toes (I can't do this...actually I can't even get my hands past my knees with forward flexion). So I'm training that. Hopefully much smarter this time around. I will, however, not return to conventional deadlift. I'm considering the trap bar deadlift but I learned to take it real slow and not push through pain. Enjoying the lighter weight but more reps combo for all my exercises. Will probably stick with this for a while.

Speaking of my neurologist, I did finally have that appointment and I've been basically pre-authorized for a L5-S1 spinal fusion should I want to go that route. My neurologist felt that my disc there is unstable and this flare-up I had likely won't be the last. I decided to opt against surgery and continue to gain strength on my own plus finally starting physical therapy in March through the VA. The evidence I've seen points to most herniated discs recovering on there own and contrary to popular belief - the discs can adapt to proper training and get stronger and more resilient. It doesn't feel that way though when you're in the middle of a flare-up.

Learning / Reading: Getting back to my old self and can focus now. I'm 100 pages in to the spiral dynamics book and will finish it this month. This book is an absolute gem. @Berrytwo has mentioned that it reads like poetry and I agree with that assessment! I've also been listening to a lot of different videos from Actualized.org. Leo is an interesting character and has been doing a lot of study and hard work to spread ideas on developing the ego.

Job: At some point soon will have to attempt filing for permanent work from home status as my status is still technically temporary. This month is my last month of the probationary period so as they say in the Fed Gov't this is their final month to get rid of me if they want to otherwise it becomes really hard afterwards lol.

I wrapped up a project I had been working on for just over 18 months. Thankful that is over. I can finally move on to something else.