Distance Relationship - where is normally the problem?

[Jpsilver]

(Not sure if this is the right section for this as it's fairly unrelated to ERE)

I've been in a "long" distance relationship for almost 3 years. My girlfriend in Belgium, me in Portugal and now Switzerland. I love her a lot and I am surprised by how well things are and have always been.

People keep telling me all kinds of stuff about how bad long-distance relationships (does mine even qualify as one? I mean we're not that far) are and how they never work. Turns out I'm feeling really great with how things are. During these 3 years the most time we've been without phisically being with each other (we see each other every day via Skype) has been 1 month. Now we see each other practically every weekend.

I think my personality plays a big part here, I enjoy being by myself a lot. In fact, when she stays with me, she usually stays for long periods, and on "vacation", so I'm always with her and after a while I feel tremendously overwhelmed, like really drained out due to not having my alone time...

So, where is usually the problem in long-distance relationships? Is it really so unbelievable that I'm still with her and we feel happy? We think of living together some day of course (got to find a way to solve the self-time problem though), once we both wish to settle down and have kids and that stuff.

I assume that different people have different needs of contact with their partners, is it normal that mine is so "low"?

I'm curious to hear some thoughts on this... I think sometimes people see me as not really loving her or something like that! Or that our relationship must really suck, which I honestly think is not true at all.

Cheers!

[jacob]

I bet many relationships are founded on not much more than comfortable habits, sex, and daily routine. In that case, long distance takes all that away leaving not much, for many relationships.

[sleepnot]

Now we see each other practically every weekend.

I have a 'short' distance relationship (for 7+ years now) and we see each other most of the time only in the weekends. But we have the same need for lots of time alone.

I think that is crucial in these kind of relationships. Do both partners feel the same way about time alone or is one of them unhappy and suffering when not with the other?

[theplk]

Lack of physical contact and better nearby options is usually the biggest issues.

Very few of them work out as a result.

How often do you see each other may I ask?

[dot_com_vet]

Girls get bored, meet locals. It's why "Dear John" letters were invented.

[riparian]

I blame monogamy and bad communication for most long distance relationship problems.

Personally, my best relationships have involved distance. I just want less "relationship" than other people, and I'm happy for my friends and lovers to have faraway lives and other relationships to keep them fulfilled when I'm not. Conversely, I don't expect people I'm in a relationship with to be responsible for my happiness. It's so simple, and it makes for great relationships.

Anyways, if what you two are doing works for you two, who cares what anyone else thinks?

[llorona]

It if ain't broke, don't fix it.

[Beaudacious]

I assume that different people have different needs of contact with their partners, is it normal that mine is so "low"?

There is no normal. Relationships are personal and can be construed in a variety of ways. The important thing for a relationship to survive is to make sure needs are filled for all parties involved.

My relationship with my wife has been all long distance, due to our career paths. We usually spend 6 months apart between visits. It's not ideal, but we make it work due to good communication and giving our relationship top priority. If I felt the work wasn't worth the reward, I would have stayed a bachelor.

I see distance relationships fizzle out in the military all the time, and it's not because some Jody stole his/her partner or because the service member has an affinity for port pleasures. Those are merely symptoms of the bigger problem that needs weren't addressed and/or satisfied.

[Jpsilver]

hehe there are some really funny coincidences...

Just this weekend she came over to visit me and told me how she is tired of living alone and wants someone to go home to, basically asking me to move in with her.

She just found a nice new job in Belgium even before finishing her Master's so I feel like she's starting to enter the "stable phase". I happen to not be quite there yet, I don't want to limit myself and my job search to only a specific area, besides I am really unsure if I'm ready to make such a move in my life. Baseline is that I don't want to, and prefer the way things are right now. I mean, after this step comes marriage, and that's still wayyyyy too much ahead for me.

Did I forget to mention that I like her a lot, and am very happy with the way things are right now, seeing her every weekend and keeping my options open career-wise?

[numberthree]

Sorry to say this but if you (and likely she) already realize the two of you are ready for different things and don't have a plan, it's just a matter of time.

You can both be committed to each other, a good fit, and enjoy each other. But you are not ready to live in the same place or live the same life. Long-distance is a temporary solution and it won't go on forever. She seems to realize this. You are already saying that it may not be worth it for you to make the move. So you either need to reevaluate your regard for Belgium or try to wind things down amiably.

Source: Experience.