#056 05/08/2014 One Drink
May 5,2014, I celebrated 1 year of no alcohol. Not a drop for a year.
May 6,2014, the day after one year of no drinking, I had one drink.
This is the story of that one drink.
Asceticism
There is an ascetic quality to living life without drinking. A sober and naked perspective. Life is not airbrushed or sedated.
I found it difficult, but natural and pure. My metabolism, both mentally and physically, became incredible efficient.
Alcohol is to my mind and spirit, what junk food is to the stomach. A few nibbles of satisfaction has a way of tainting the flavor of all other things in life. That is my view now, but it wasn't always that way.
Throughout my 20s and 30s, most of my social life centered around a social drinking culture that is typical in a big urban cities. Chances are if you are socially active, single and living in a big city, you are drinking on a very regular basis. Most of my friends and X-gfs during that period, were born more or less from a social drinking culture.
I don't necessarily regret that. I did have some great memories and experiences from those times.
But the reality is that it is hard to recall any 'joyful' occassions in my life during that period, that alcohol didn't play a role.
It was also pushing me towards an extroverted idealogy, creating more and more imbalance.
The blessing in disguise is that living that lifestyle and value system, enjoying aspects of it and then coming out in more or less one piece, I feel I now have a deeper perspective and greater appreciation for equanimity.
Addition by subtraction
The ironic thing about the "accumulation" phase of (my) FI, is that it was a period of "contraction".
It was analogous to a recessionary period that follows a boom cylce in a market. The boom cycle of the market as an analogy to life, represents the consumerist lifestyle/ideal of growth.
The accumulation phase of my FI was both a market and life correction. One of perhaps a 1/2 dozen transitions in my life as each previous life boom cycle would run it’s course when fundamentals got out of whack. Mostly as a function of the aging process.
Bursting that bubble, both economic and spiritual, and rebuilding a life based now on certain philosophical fundamentals (stoicism, minimalism, kaizen, vipassana,etc) begins a new cycle of growth, after the recessionary purge.
Change is constant.
From what I understand of a market recession, there is a lag between most indicators and the actual market. You can't tell for sure when or if it starts, and you only really know when it’s over retrospectively, well into when expansion begins again.
So too I find is the case in life and transitions. There is a lag between the conscious and the unconscious. And it takes a while (if ever) for the two to align.
After a 2 to 3 year period of recession in my life, marked by contraction and correction, aka my accumulation phase, life is now beginning to expand.
Reconstruction
When I got back from my Vipassana retreat, I made commitments to several things.
During the 10 days of silence and meditation, several obssessive inspirations, near self-epiphanies, kept on reoccuring.
Answers and Solutions, next steps in my FI life, in preparation of early retirement.
They were all commitments of risk outside my comfort zone to help start rebuilding and expanding on a new meaningful foundation for my FI life.
Some of these things I have been contemplating with indecision and anxiety for quite some time, and others were new ideas.
Either way, too often in life I know what is good for me, but I rarely act on it because of the unwillingness to disturb the status quo or comfort zone.
I do what I like, not what I need.
But ideas, inspirations and revelations are useless unless acted upon.
The recharge and clarity derived from the retreat ignited a powerful conviction to act. Most of the time, this conviction is dormant, or at the very least, as fickle as a pull string on an old lawn mower.
What was very surreal to me was how all these new commitments, and all my seemingly random journal posts began to feel like they all came together in a synergist and symbiotic way. That all these things, fit together as pieces to a larger puzzle.
In a nutshell, that larger puzzle is the marriage of polar individualism with polar collectivism and the combination of solitude/introversion with community/extroversion, so that both modes feed off each other.
To be able to pull that string on my lawn mower at anytime, and be able to mow grass at a thousand miles an hour.
Here is a summary of the commitments and actions that I have made since my last post.
1. Solo Kayak Portaging (ie. Chris McCandless/Walden-Thoreau Light)
In a previous journal post (#031 06/06/2013- Solituding: FI Newbie and the Canoe Portage), I mentioned a desire to do a solo kayak portage in further exploration and engagement with solitude.
It is what I call the "Chris McCandless/Walden Light" experience. A concentrated period of intense solitude and near ego death, such that it provides great clarity, creativity, purpose and conviction that I bring back as fuel in engaging in collectivism, community, volunteerism and more extroverted environments.
IE. A super charge.
For this purpose, the night I got back from Vipassana, I bought an inflatable kayak.
This one
here.
Throughout the month, I had bought a laundry list of all necessary accessories (bear cannister, folding saw, paddles, pfds, dromedary, etc) that I didn't already have. I got a real good dopmine rush from spending on all these gidgets and gadgets, I must admit.
Total costs for all my gear was $1500 (I got a discount on my kayak since it was used). This is approximately the same cost as an overseas flight.
Never mind that it was still winter and I couldn't use any of this stuff yet. I convinced myself I needed to buy all this stuff while the cement of conviction was still wet. I knew that if I spend all this money, that when the cement hardened when the weather became right, I would have to do it regardless, because of the money spent.
And now, the weather is right.
Next week will be my first solo portage for 3 nights and 4 days. I am using some of my holidays from my purchase vacation option to leave on a weekday, so I beat the hordes in the cottage commuting crowd for the May two four long weekend. I will be returning from back-country into the city the day most people will be arriving.
I have also booked and paid for my more ambitious 7 day solo portage in June.
The destination will be Massassauga Provincial Park, which is about a 2.5 hour drive away from Toronto. (Backcountry fees run about $10/day).
My previous indecision and hesitation with doing the solo kayak portage was the whole rental process of the boat. On my first canoe portage, I didn't enjoy the whole rental process at all. There was a lot of overhead (stopping of at the outfitter, strapping the boat to the roof of the car, driving with what amounts to a gigantic wind drag sail on top of your car, etc) and it was cumbersome. It was enough of a convenient excuse for me not to not want to do it.
However, with the purchase of the inflatable kayak, I have no more excuses. The boat and gear stores very easily in my <300 studio and fits in my car trunk like a couple bags of groceries. The boat itself is only ~30 lbs.
Toronto is also one of the most paddle friendly urban cities in North America. When I am not working any more, the idea of paddling around either in the city or the backcountry with very little cost or overhead, nurturing solitude and nature, was an investment I was willing to make, despite my total noob paddling status.
I have also spent the last few months learning/testing how to dehydrate food via a normal oven rather than having to buy a food dehydrator. I found the Mountain House MRE’s way too expensive if you are packing food for an extended period.
Through trial, error and practice, I found the best/easiest DIY dehydrated meals for me to be stir fried rice, stir fried quinoa, macaroni pasta, and sheppards pie. Ground beef and quinoa being the most accomodable protein sources.
Although I don’t like having to leave the oven on for extended periods to dehydrate food, my utility fees are flat fee, so I don’t pay a premium for the energy I use to dehydrate my food.
I have also done a ton of research about bears.
Since I bought the boat, I have taken it out on the Humber River just a few minutes drive from my apartment. In addition to my solo portages, I plan on doing a paddle down the Humber across Lake Ontario to the Toronto Islands and to the beach.
2. American Sign Language (ASL) Course
When I got back from my retreat, I registered for an intro level American Sign Language Course with the Canadian Hearing Society. The course costs $270, and last ten weeks. I am now 4 weeks into the course.
I reason I decided to take ASL is that through wearing ear plugs way too often, sometimes at inappropriate times and with reckless abandonment I developed a curiosity about how deaf people live.
Especially in light of my right wing, radical,militant introversion empowerment, in addition to my periods of solitude, and 10 days of silence in Vipassana, exploring ASL just seemed like a logical next step.
I don't think learning sign language will have any monetary value for me in the future, and that’s totally fine. It plays no part of contributing to my FI bottom line. It's something which I think will benefit me in abstract and intangible ways that I have yet to totally figure out.
Studying and learning how deaf people communicate, is simply fascinating. "Sentence" structure is different and signs are contextual to the body and the face. It is like playing advanced charades.
As an introvert my mind explodes with the social engagement of sign language. I feel like an autistic child whose like bulb is turned on by some tuned in channel of activity or environment. Something clicks.
Signing is one on one directed communication. There is a deep sense of intimacy with two people signing, at times it looks and feels like a communicative slow dance.
Signing and reading signing forces you to use a part of your brain that for the most part is usually not engaged. It is not like learning a new language, but an entirely different paradigm of communicating.
I have so far learned the alphabet, colours, names, numbers, 5Ws, schooling, among other things. My class size is small, just under 10 people, which again, suits my social engagement. There is no talking allowed in our class, and we we continually partner up and practice in class with the lessons we learned.
On a social level, it's different and rewarding to be around people who are also interested in learning ASL.
3. Volunteering One- Serving Vipassana and Monthly Sits
When I got back from the retreat, I recognized more clearly that my decisions, philosophies and lifestyle effectively forfeit membership into the broader consumeristic/materialistic society.
I am not part of the majority.
I should not fight this or demean this by sitting on the side lines throwing stones at society. I should accept this. I am the one that chooses not to assimilate.
Stop wasting energy fighting the super Borg.
Exactly who is seeing the world through tainted glasses? Me or the rest of society? An arguement can be made for either side.
What I do know, is that my focus now is to engage with people that inspire me, or not be around people at all.
Through my period of contraction, I went through long periods of solitude, social anonymity and isolation such that I no longer require social company as some type of accessory or validation to life. Social community and company has to be built upon something meaningful, intimate or purposeful.
This may sound so very hoity-toity... but I don't care.
I seek to surround myself with people who value or aspire to some sense of self-lessness and awareness, passion, generosity or compassion (as mentioned in my previous post). I am hoping that this may happen in combination with my volunteer efforts.
I am in the process of attempting to reconstruct my social life anew on the foundation of volunteerism. I may or may not succeed.
Being that I have a weakness for the symbolic representation of certain numbers, I figured I would use the default amount of days/hours I have traditionally been given for vacation, ie 21 days or 157.5 hours, as a bench mark minimum for days committed to volunteering in a year.
It is really like flipping the equation of work life balance.
Currently, in conventional work life, I work year round with 21 days of paid vacation.
In retirement, I will work 21 days of unpaid volunteering, with the rest of the year of the more or less in 'vacation'.
The 21 days in terms of monetary salary value work out to be in the neighbourhood of $13,000. $13,000 is also more than enough to cover my base hierarchy needs (shelter, food).
But instead of donating this money, I am donating time. Which I see as more value, as I have mentioned a few times before.
My hope is that I will become more generous and self-less with my time and of myself. I hope to substantially increase this minimum bench mark amount.
But as it stands right now, I am forecasted to surpass this bench mark which was meant for my retirement life, right now , while still maintaining my full time job (with 8 weeks of vacation).
I chose volunteer roles that are temporal and annual in nature. Commitments that are cyclical with definite time periods, and not year round.
My first effort has been with the Vipassana/meditation community.
The entire Vipassana infrastructure, all the centres across the world, are completely run by volunteers, and is completely free. While they do accept donations, they have the softest sell I ever came across. I was not used to how soft the sell was. A comparable privatized zen meditation retreat would run you at a minimum around $1000.
For Vipassana, you are not allowed to donate or volunteer/serve unless you complete the 10 day course. Even if you decide to leave after only five days, they will not accept your money.
If you do complete the course, after spending 12 days (10 nights) at their centre with room and board, when it was all over, they don't pressure the students to donate. Only if you want to. Not even an external guilt trip. The guilt comes from within.
This made me want to donate and volunteer even more. The soft sell worked on me. There was tremendous integrity to it all.
I have been attending and serving the monthly 1 day sits in the city, and I plan to serve the course later in the year when the registration period opens for the retreat time period I want. When you serve/volunteer, you have free room and board. Your job is to cook, clean and general do whatever it is they ask of you. You are also expected to attend three daily group sits, but you are allowed to talk with other servers/volunteers and do not have to adhere to the strict silence that the students do.
What is nice is two of the other mediators I met during from my retreat also attend the sit with me, and one of the women and I car pool together.
4. Volunteering Two - Co-op Board Volunteering
When I got back from my retreat, the very same night I emailed the board of my co-op and told them I would like to volunteer. I have since then put in about 30+ hours of work helping them out on a near weekly basis. All of the current board in my building are all seniors. They now more or less have full disclosure about the details on my most of my life and we sometimes get into some very meaningful conversations.
5. Volunteering Three - Hotdocs Film Festival
And finally, the story behind the one drink.
When I got back from my retreat, I registered for the Hotdocs Documentary Film Festival as a volunteer.
Newbie once again.
The festival ran from April 24-May 4,2014 and apparently it is the largest documentary film festival in North America.
Amongst all these items of risk and action that I have mentioned in this journal entry, volunteering for this festival gave me the greatest anxiety. (So far, that is. I am sure night time alone in the backcountry will be terrifying.)
It's been about 20 years since I did any type of work serving the general public. In my teens and 20s, I worked as a front desk clerk at the YMCA, bars, McDs, nightclubs and restaurants, among other things, to fund my university education.
At any time, at any of these jobs, one had to be able to absorb the punch of the "customer is always right", even when they were wrong. And you had to do so with a smile. It was front line low level work: pion status and ego deflating.
In many ways at that time, it was age appropriate in terms of societal definitions and norms. My ego was still young, and I was where I was: on the low end of the societal totem pole of the labour force. My identity was stripped down to a uniform, and I was part of a front line annoymous collective that served the public.
In the case of Hotdocs, the uniform was a bright green neon tshirt, with large cap letters on the back spelling
"VOLUNTEER".
Until Hotdocs, the me of today (20 years after the last time I wore a uniform) had the bubble safety of a "status " and a cubicle.
-I've graduated.
-I'm not on the front line, I'm in the war room.
-I'm too important to be exposed to the punches..
-I'm FI and my sh*t don't stink
_I am above it all
Or that is what the illusion of my ego tells me.
That was the genesis of my anxiety. Volunteering doing low level customer work, for free, at a much later age, with a much stronger sense of pride, ego and identity.
Wearing a uniform again.
As a cattle of first time Hot doc volunteers, we had to first attend an orientation. It filled a theatre seating near 700 people.
The demographic was mostly younger students, and older seniors.
The first blessing of my Hotdocs experience was that I felt a strong sense of kinship with both.
With the younger 20 somethings, bright eyed and bushy tailed, I related to their struggle. Their desperateness in kickstarting a job, career or identiity, where they are forced into environments of doing unpaid internships. I saw within them my past.
With the older seniors, the civic generation, I related to their desire to contribute, connect and engage. To find greater meaning and purpose. Volunteering at the festival for them in many ways, was a highlight. It was gravity. I saw within them my present, but moreso my future.
There were very very few others like me, somewhere in between these two age groups, which in many ways, was blessing number two, I could easily engage on both sides of the demographic.
The next hoop we had to jump was our training session, held at the largest multiplex in downtown Toronto. Already, some had dropped out. They trained us how to rip and scan tickets, usher, and generally how to handle customers.
With that not soon after, I had my first shift.
My anxieties melted away pretty quickly as soon as my shift started. My favourite part of the whole Hotdocs volunteering experience was conversing with the other volunteers during the downtime while the movies were screening. Everyone had a completely different life story that brought them there, and everyone was more or less willing to share. Most everyone I met was flying solo as well, while very few were volunteering with the security blanket of a friend.
For each 5 hour shift we worked, we got 2 free movie vouchers. We had to work a minimum of 4 shifts. The vouchers are also good throughout the year at the main theatre that supports Hotdocs, the Bloor Cinema.
I was able to sit in and watch a few of the movies on my shifts.
On the closing weekend, I redeemed 4 of my movie vouchers and hit different documentaries across different theatres in Toronto:
My favourite was:
Alfred and Jakobine, Trailer
here story
here
The story was tragic, sad, beautiful, and thought provoking all at the same time. There was a lot to relate to and contemplate, and it was a message to me in many ways on the path that I may or may not be going.
The other documentaries I saw were
Super Duper Alice Cooper which was awesome, and
See No Evil and
The Songs of Rice
I chose to watch all these movies solo. And I am glad I did. There is something very empowering to be able to goto a movie by yourself, especially an evening weekend performance, and not give a sh*t.
So...given that I was in that I don't give a sh*t empowering mood already...
On May 6, the day after my 1 year of no alcohol anniversary, I flew solo to the approximately 500+ people attending the Hotdocs volunteer and staff party.
I already "wore a uniform", kamikazee soloed to movies Friday, Saturday and Sunday, and I was on a roll.
The coincidence of what seemed to be a total manufactured event perfect for serendipity was not lost on me.
Since I was on a roll, and I didn't really give I sh*t I also felt that this could act as fertilizer to a serendipitous situation...
So I decided to have a drink at the party.
But only one....
And that is the story of One Drink.