dating ERE

J.O.S.H. · Post by **J.O.S.H.** » Tue Apr 03, 2012 1:56 am

@Spartan_Warrior: yes. That being said, I live in LA now, and it although I've changed tune to a large extent about how to go about romancing, it's a lot easier here. But that's LA vs. College in Minnesota, so I can't imagine that surprises anyone.
I am interested in this idea that men get asked out. Honestly, there was a time when I tried to be appealing in some way, and that maybe happened once. But yes, I arrange things so that they are free. Free dates are simple and easy -- women are often neither. So the disruption almost always involves us walking somewhere, seeing something that costs money. I'd explain my perfectly sincere complete lack of money, and I'd say, "Sounds cool, how about you grab me this time and I'll grab the tab next time?" I guess the trick with that is to minimize the chance of a similar thing on the next date. Write poetry while laying in the grass by a library. That will literally never cost money. And if she's really so transactional as to never ever let go of a couple bucks you didn't plan on spending, she's probably a little uptight for you.
That being said, a lot of these dates involved some raw materials or situations that I got help on. A dodgeball borrowed for a double date that involved four-square (note: give the ladies fair warning, or they will WAY overdress). Notebooks and computers, of course -- as a technologist by trade I generally have a working computer to lend someone, and I'll use pen and paper, often salvaged from others.
Among those where supplies were not needed include DareMaster Competitions, which had a pretty weak start within my inner bro-only social circle but turned out to be pretty good first dates (and a great way to call the bluff of people who say they're adventurous). Twice I had a "first date" that was organized based on me saying, "We should sleep together". Actually, that might be three, depending on how you count it. With that exact wording, it's two.
My point, if I have a point, is that all these things are free, have worked extraordinarily well for me, and are in no way me-specific. I'm honestly not very impressive -- a fact I am starting to feel may only be proven by literally meeting me.
I am like the Republicans, dragoncar (if that is your real name... from now on I will call you macmommy). I get that. But really, if the advice "Try new, weird, fun stuff constantly" doesn't give you at least a small amount of success, literally nothing will. Maybe.
Also, I'd like to confirm the groceries as a good idea. Just going on a walk is great, too, but then again, I'm a huge walk buff. Not nature walks or anything, I just like walking, at a good pace, with one or two other people. I find it a good way to work through ideas.

dragoncar · Post by **dragoncar** » Tue Apr 03, 2012 2:25 am

Lol, sorry Josh we must be misunderstanding each other. Your explanation makes sense. I also wasn't trying to imply that I'm lacking "a small amount of success," just that girls aren't paying for dates literally all the time.
I usually like to start out splitting the costs, and then once I'm in a solid relationship I don't really have a problem paying for everything. This of course depends on the individual girl and situation (I don't just invite girls on really expensive dates and then force them to pay half at the end).

C40 · Post by **C40** » Tue Apr 03, 2012 2:56 am

I agree with most of what Josh is saying. I had a number of years in my low 20's where I was very carefree, completely fearless of rejection, and very friendly/outgoing. When you have a smile, a friendly voice, and a gleam in your eye, simply saying hello and starting conversations randomly works well. You can meet a lot of people being that way, and when you meet a lot of people, you're bound to meet some that you can hit it off with quickly.

A young man 'on the prowl' (and ALSO thinking clearly) quickly learns that being very outgoing and a bit aggressive causes both friendly and unfriendly reactions.... Those unfriendly reactions are actually good because they help you quickly identify where your time would be wasted. The same principle is true in many more situations than looking for a soul mate in a bar at 12:30am.

I've also found that most of the women who were interested in me could not have cared less whether I took them out on dinner/movie/spending type dates. I'm not completely sure whether that is because it's really true, or if I may have allowed myself to mesh with only some portion of women?
I can say that I had many years that while I was sort of cheap (in a deliberate spending way) and had zero desire to go spend money on dates.. but I was far from the ERE mindset I have now.. I considered myself normal then and a number of my friends were the same way.. so not wanting to spend money on dates is not a particularly weird or ere specific thing. I have some faith in the world that there are plenty of people who believe $$ dates are no good.

** Now.. just so you know here... my methods are not 100% effective (a friend told me that after giving me some kind of advice on picking up women and I though it was pretty funny)

Edit (in 2014) - after starting to date women closer to middle age, I think some of my thoughts when I wrote this relate better to younger women (College age or low 20s).. Things change a bit after people get used to spending more money.

Spartan_Warrior · Post by **Spartan_Warrior** » Tue Apr 03, 2012 3:00 am

@palmera: LOL, that was a joke.
Oh, internets.

EveMadeline · Post by **EveMadeline** » Tue Apr 03, 2012 3:03 am

Dragoncar- I went on a date once with a guy to a place that was not really expensive relatively speaking but I wouldn't have chosen it, and at the end of the dinner he said he "forgot his wallet" and I ended up paying for us both. Now, I'm not saying I would never pay for someone else, a lot of times I pay for my friends to see a movie or what have you. But on this particular date I had seen him holding his wallet earlier in the night. So 1. He just lied to me and 2. I don't mind paying every now and then but for pete's sake let me know before. What if I hadn't brought my purse? This was in highschool and I didn't even have my drivers license so I didn't really need a wallet most of the time. Grrr so frustrating. What would we have done? Washed dishes to pay for dinner? Run out without paying at all?
What I'm trying to say is I don't mind every now and then but I like to be prepared.
It was not a good date.
End. Rant.

dragoncar · Post by **dragoncar** » Tue Apr 03, 2012 3:56 am

Eve, was that directed at me for any particular reason? Obviously that guy was a jerk, but I've never done anything like that. One time I did actually forget my wallet once, but they let me call back w/ my credit card after I got home.

EveMadeline · Post by **EveMadeline** » Tue Apr 03, 2012 4:01 am

Oh no, I'm not saying you would do that. "(I don't just invite girls on really expensive dates and then force them to pay half at the end)." Made me think of it.

aussierogue · Post by **aussierogue** » Tue Apr 03, 2012 5:24 am

Eve - he was probably trying to abort...did you tell him you loved him at any time during the dinner?

EveMadeline · Post by **EveMadeline** » Tue Apr 03, 2012 2:55 pm

Haha no, actually he told me he loved me two times before and I kinda blew it off...
I felt bad about it. He was cute and fun and that was about it :/ I never thought I was in love with him so I never said it back.

S · Post by S » Tue Apr 03, 2012 4:50 pm

I'd say the typical man is at least as materialistic as the typical woman, though they're expected to show it differently. Are sports cars and tech gadgets really cheaper than shoes and jewelry? Fortunately, there are enough frugal people of both genders out there that it should be possible to find a mate if you want one. Looking at the bar for an INTJ is probably not going to work though. I had good luck meeting guys playing board games, riding bikes, and through mutual friends.
Also, paying for a woman's meal just because she's a woman is sexist. I definitely wouldn't have a second date with a guy that insisted on that. You need to split the check.

dragoncar · Post by **dragoncar** » Tue Apr 03, 2012 5:20 pm

I agree paying for a woman's meal just because she's a woman is sexist. But is it sexist to pay for a woman's meal because she expects you to, because she is sexist?

JohnnyH · Post by **JohnnyH** » Tue Apr 03, 2012 5:48 pm

So all women in this thread are saying it isn't a plus to have the man pay for everything? How many of you have actively turned down free dinner/drinks/activities when offered?
I've had many an enlightened feminist woman have no problem letting me pay for everything. But in their defense, in my mind I do it out of charity because I have money and they're financially desperate... Still maybe I should be less of a pushover so that the trend doesn't get cemented in stone.
Also, I would say I have met a higher % of anti-consumer males than females... Females watch more television: http://ondemandweekly.com/blog/article/ ... e_most_tv/

and most ads are geared towards them (couldn't find a citation but the number thrown around is 80%).

The TV men watch seems to be comedy and sports. Women sitcoms and dramas that are heavily about lifestyle.

S · Post by S » Tue Apr 03, 2012 5:55 pm

@dragoncar Of course if you're looking for someone into traditional gender roles, then you ought to pay. I've seen plenty of frugal tips on conservative Christian ladies' blogs too.

LiquidSapphire · Post by **LiquidSapphire** » Tue Apr 03, 2012 7:08 pm

I've turned down offers for free drinks. I am not going to accept a drink from someone I have no interest in. I have to be able to live with myself later on. I've also turned down dates with people I am not interested in. They probably would have paid, of course I have no way of knowing for sure. But whatever monetary value the activity had would not be made up by having to do it with these people and pretend I was actually interested in them.
If someone invites me to go out and chooses the activity, I think it's the decent thing for them to at least offer to pay. Is it really that bad? You have complete control over the activity and therefore the cost. Likewise I'm usually pretty prepared to at least pay my half, depending on what it is and how it goes. If you choose to take me to a park to feed ducks, I'd still go. Likewise if I invite someone for a date, I know that I should be reasonably expected to pay for it and I plan for that. Unless you spend $100 more than me. Then I'm asking you to pay your part, and I probably wouldn't see you again.
I think after a date or two or three, then it really should become more equitable. I would usually offer to pay for a second or third date. But that's just my personal code of ethics. I'm looking for an equal partner who deserves to be treated well and not be taken advantage of, not a meal ticket.
I would never again date someone financially desperate. I would have difficulty respecting that person, and I would wonder how much they liked me and how much they liked how I paid for everything we did.

Spartan_Warrior · Post by **Spartan_Warrior** » Tue Apr 03, 2012 9:59 pm

@S: "Are sports cars and tech gadgets really cheaper than shoes and jewelry?"
But men only buy sports cars to impress women.
...And obviously the same goes for high-powered PC gaming rigs.

Spartan_Warrior · Post by **Spartan_Warrior** » Tue Apr 03, 2012 10:09 pm

How about this little ERE dating problem? I can already see I will inevitably have to upgrade my phone. I can tell my friends how much I loath texting, but girls are now addicted to it and "Do you like to text?" as a number-closer works 60% of the time, everytime. I currently have a five year old flip-open phone with no keyboard and crap features on my parents' family plan, probably with limited texting.
Not to mention the nice clothes I have to buy and the hair cuts I'll have to pay for.
"ERE Hermit" has a nice ring to it.

Emanuel · Post by **Emanuel** » Tue Apr 03, 2012 10:43 pm

My LTR just ended after 3 1/2 years. All because I don't want a marriage, kids and a big useless house. Frankly I wouldn't pay for any meal on a date besides my own.
Save your moneys and instead hire a real nice escort. hehe
Guess I'm a man going my own way..

JohnnyH · Post by **JohnnyH** » Tue Apr 03, 2012 11:53 pm

@Don Emanuel: lol, agreed... My 4 year LTR ended for the same reasons.

dot_com_vet · Post by **dot_com_vet** » Wed Apr 04, 2012 2:52 am

The first date my (now) wife went on was at a modest ethnic restaurant. I'm pretty sure I spent < $20.
We had a large family dinner there after our *wedding*.
Now we have a daughter, and we'll take the extended family to the same restaurant a couple times/year. It definitely feels special, and life has come full circle.
I wouldn't be afraid to spend a little money on a date. A little flexibility and creativity can go a long way.
Also, if a date wants/hints/demands a five star wine and dine, that's a great way to filter them out and move on.

dragoncar · Post by **dragoncar** » Wed Apr 04, 2012 2:57 am

Is this $25 people are talking about just for one person, or two? No wonder everyone in the country is broke.
http://www.textsfromlastnight.com/Text- ... 23486.html