Veronica's Journal of Madness

[fiby41]

"Eligible for rehire" is the equivalent of a positive reference.

That's interesting considering some companies have a policy against rehiring while some have a 'cooling period' after which they'll consider.

[Veronica]

Entry 3: Getting back on the horse again.

Current Goals (progress):
100k in retirement accounts (10/100) +0
Bodyweight Target: 118 (163) -3
Target Savings Rate: 78% (0%) Not saving; currently zero income.
Target Resting Heart Rate: 40bpm (71bpm) +1

Lost job, so no income. Filed unemployment, so hopefully that will help some. Reached out to some contacts, so hopefully won't be unemployed for long.

Been thinking a lot about what is most important in a job. Especially, how pride tends to lead a lot of us to accept jobs which are fundamentally not good trade-offs. For example, the average FedEx delivery driver in my area makes significantly more than I made working on our states largest computing cluster.
Logically, the only reason to ever accept this job would be if either
1) You're think you're "too good to be a delivery driver" (Pride)
2) You have a sunk cost in training to be something niche, and feel as if you have to accept this job to help rationalize to yourself and the outside worldall of that time spent training and educating yourself (Pride)

There's other examples (like sales, management, or "business development", etc), where the skill required is less, but the payoff is better than more technical skills associated with implementation and actually following through on the business needs.
So one major change in my thinking is going to be that salary is the single most important aspect of a job, first and foremost.
I've spent my whole life working my ass off to learn as many skills as possible, sometimes starting over again from the bottom so I could really learn.
This approach, and the competence it generates, is unfortunately not monetarily rewarded in our society.

So I am now preparing to re-enter the world with a brand new approach.
I will still continue learning new skills, but it will be purely for own selfish desires.
I will work for money, and money only. I take no pride in a job well done, or accomplishing a hard thing in my career.
That kind of thinking simply has no place anymore in corporate America.
If you want to "feel good" about your work, get a therapist and pay them 50 bucks an hour to nod their head
and tell you that they totally understand where you're coming from.

I'm tempted to proclaim that I will never again waste my time trying to help anyone else; but this is probably an emotional over-reaction.
I'm certainly not going to do so for any employer.

[shaz]

Another reason not to be a delivery driver is if you are unable to perform the physical requirements of the job, such as if you have a disability that prevents you from driving. Also there could be many other advantages to the competing job such as more intellectually stimulating, prefer working as part of a team, find other work to be more in alignment with your values, etc.

I'm sorry you lost your job. It sounds like it was something you worked hard at and took pride in.

I don't think there is anything wrong with choosing a job solely on the basis of how much you will earn, if that is in alignment with your personal values and needs.

I also think it can be hard to recognize your personal values and needs while you are neck-deep in a job, especially one that ultimately is not a good fit. Maybe you will have additional ideas about what you want from work once you decompress and have some breathing space to think about it.

[b00gs]

I agree with @shaz here. How is the new approach of 'pick a job that generates the most money' aligned with your values/goals? Is it aligned with who you want to be? What are your goals besides the savings and health goals?

This has been something I've been thinking about too... What's something I can do to reach multiple goals? (web of goals idea from the ERE book) Why is this my goal?

On the other hand, does the work right now even have to be "you"? Maybe that's what you're thinking. The work is just work to get money. And then you'll answer and work towards the goals after? idk... just typing my thoughts

[macg]

To expand on shaz's point, another valid reason to not take certain jobs that require a lot of physical exertion, such as some delivery jobs, is concern about future injury. For example, my father was a beer truck driver, a local delivery guy. By the time anyone he worked with retired, every single one had some sort of physical ailment. Some were minor, but many were not. Things like bad backs, shoulders, knees, etc. My dad took the best care of himself out of all of them, but still had some hip/back issues. Just luckily not enough to really disable him. We're just not really built for the kind of motion that they repetitively have to do.

Note I say "some" delivery jobs. Delivering beer is certainly different than packages.

Granted this type of injury would likely not occur if the person is thinking ERE, where they would only be on the job for a few years. But I'm hopeful that if the person is practicing ERE, then the pride issue wouldn't occur either. That might just be me being naive though

[frugaldoc]

I am sorry about your job loss.

Regarding your new work philosophy: I am all for making lots of money but I think there are other ingredients that make for satisfying work. Leaving alignment of values out of this, I have found that autonomy, mastery, and impact are the most important ingredients of work success. I have a lot of autonomy in the day to day structure or my job, I get to continually refine my skills as a physician, and have some positive impact on the world. The most important of these (to me) is autonomy. That's why avoid clinic medicine.

So search for that fat paycheck but also try to find a field where you can develop autonomy. For a clearer explanation of these concepts I would read the works of Cal Newport, especially "So Good They Can't Ignore You" and "Deep Work". He has a good podcast as well.

[Veronica]

I also whole heartedly recommend cal Newport books. They gave me a life philosophy that I followed religiously throughout my 20s.

While they gave me a great deal of personal satisfaction, I find that they do not adequately address the more practical matters of making sure your efforts are financially lucrative. They really espouse a “money will come naturally when you’re excellent at what you do”, which I know for a fact is simply and completely untrue. We live in a brutal and cronyist capitalistic economy, and the incentives simply do not guarantee such results. In fact, you actually stand to have much easier time securing employment if you intentionally undervalue yourself and allow yourself to be taken advantage of.

No one will save you but yourself. This is what makes ERE so critically important to pursue.

[frugaldoc]

I find that they do not adequately address the more practical matters of making sure your efforts are financially lucrative.

That is a fair point. I think that is why he cautions people to avoid their passions and rather pursue work in areas where you can develop autonomy and also receive adequate compensation.

You are young and thoughtful so I have no doubt you'll find the right path. When I was 30 I hadn't even started medical school (I do everything 10-12 years behind schedule) and hadn't given any thought to career capital or ERE. I wish I had had the benefit of Cal Newport's wisdom when I was in undergrad. It would have kept me from changing my major eight times.

[fiby41]

It would have kept me from changing my major eight times.

I wonder what are the similarities between the mindset of changing majors, jumping in & out of market positions/investments or relationships... I know I would have changed majors if I could.

On one hand it is a question of choice/free will, even if one changes there mind often later on
OTOH there is the risk of hot new field of study XYZ drawing in so many students that they are going to bid the starting salaries down to the ground when they start graduating.

[Veronica]

I wish I had had the benefit of Cal Newport's wisdom when I was in undergrad. It would have kept me from changing my major eight times.

This sounds like an incredible story and I would love to know more.
I also have a tendency to think "everything is interesting if you go deep enough", but practical concerns have made me put a lot of them in a todo list to explore later when my financial base affords me more time to explore them (especially those such as gardening, canning, welding, and software defined radio technologies. I also have some ideas related to genetic engineering, but those are probably best pursued once I have some rural land and an outbuilding, because it would throw off some serious red flags if I tried to pursue them in an apartment or even a spare bedroom of a house in a major city.)

[frugaldoc]

I may have overstated things a bit. When I count them up I guess I had six majors: wildlife biology, physics, anthropology, classical antiquities, philosophy, and finally, political science. And then years later I ended up in medical school. Even before I found Cal Newport I heard some great advice that would have benefitted me greatly at 18: "If the water table is 100 feet deep and you go around digging 90 foot wells, you will never hit water." I was digging a bunch of 90 foot wells by dabbling in so many things.

But this is your journal. If you find that you like to go deep on a variety of subjects let me suggest a strategy that has provided me some satisfaction. Each year I choose a topic to do a deep dive and really my throw myself into it. For example, in 2021 I decided I wanted to do a deep dive on early medieval history. I consulted professors at Oxford in order to create a comprehensive reading list and then dove in. I wish I could have incorporated travel into the project but my military duties prevented that. In 2024, I am going to do a deep dive into something Japan related now that I am stationed here. If you were to do this for the next 40 years just think of all the exciting knowledge you could obtain.

I am curious about what sort of genetic engineering you are contemplating. I don't know about genetic engineering but your comment made me think how cool it would be to set up a small chemistry lab on my land in Vermont I hope to acquire.

[Veronica]

I am curious about what sort of genetic engineering you are contemplating. I don't know about genetic engineering but your comment made me think how cool it would be to set up a small chemistry lab on my land in Vermont I hope to acquire.

I like the idea of dedicating a constrained time frame to exploring a topic. Will probably keep me honest, more efficient, and stop me from going down rabbit holes endlessly making no progress.

As far as the genetic engineering goes, I should probably qualify this by saying that many of these ideas are "purely theroretical", otherwise the government will be knocking down my door. I'm intrigued by the idea of "gene drives"; genetics that have been expressly designed to propagate through to subsequent generations. Essentially, a genetic modification, introduced by an external actor, that permanently alters the fate of an entire reproductive line. This is the closest thing I think we will ever have to "playing god".
We've been using it in mosquitos to try to kill off disease spread in small controlled areas, but I'd love to really push this to its limit in some different model organisms to see what can be done. Can I introduce a kill switch that can never be removed? Can I force them to create their own toxins, dooming them to an evolutionary extinction? Or can I use this as a way to introduce a "survival of the fittest" in a controlled environment, producing organisms that are forced to evolve methods to deal with biochemical challenges, lest they face a gruesome death? I need to know how it works, because I'm thoroughly convinced that a rogue actor could use these techniques to completely and irreversibly annihilate the entire human race; they simply need the right vector of attack. We need to start getting some work in on this in controlled environments to figure out what's going on before someone with more malicious intent gets around to it first.

I've already done some work on trying to produce biochemical intermediates, which is commerically important. I mean, wouldn't it be great if for example you could just have an appliance on your kitchen counter that grows your own insulin? Technologically, it's actually already here, just not the will to really put it out there because of course money drives everything today.

I'm beginning to rant a bit, but there's some terrifyingly powerful techniques available at low cost. The only thing stopping the new silicon valley from becoming the hub of garage-based biohackers is that the education is mostly gatekept behind PhD programs at high end research institutions.

[frugaldoc]

Sounds like a potentially fruitful line of inquiry for PhD work if you could find the right program with people working in similar (or at least adjacent) areas. But that might get in the way of your desire for maximum income.

[Veronica]

Sounds like a potentially fruitful line of inquiry for PhD work if you could find the right program with people working in similar (or at least adjacent) areas. But that might get in the way of your desire for maximum income.

I did PhD. It got me nowhere financially speaking. My first job afterwards paid 48k.
I enjoyed my time and proved to myself what I'm capable of.
But I firmly believe that the entire system (at least in the US) is essentially knowledge-based slave labour. I now tell every mildly intelligent person that is considering PhD studies to only do so if they think they will regret not doing it on their deathbed. Otherwise, there is zero reason to do so.

[frugaldoc]

I did PhD. It got me nowhere financially speaking. My first job afterwards paid 48k.

Ah, my mistake. I apologize if I didn't read your introduction carefully. But you are correct that it does appear to be "knowledge-based slave labor". That's why I like Cal Newport's advice (I know, I am a fan boy) to not pursue a graduate degree unless you have a clear evidence that is needed to achieve the next step in your career. I see so many people pursuing pointless graduate degrees (especially online MBAs) that will likely have zero ROI. I shake my head but have learned to keep quiet about it.

[Veronica]

Entry 4: Soul Searching
Current Goals (progress):
100k in Net Worth (8/100) -2
Bodyweight Target: 118 (165) +2
Target Savings Rate: 78% (0%) Not saving; currently zero income.
Target Resting Heart Rate: 40bpm (66bpm) -5

I started looking into the process to pull money from my retirement accounts, just in case they will be needed to survive extended unemployment; I've been told it will take at least 30 days before withdrawals become available.
This really has me revisiting retirement accounts vs taxable brokerage; while the tax benefits of retirement accounts are incredibly attractive, I feel as if the flexibility of access in a taxable brokerage account is simply too good to ignore for those young people like me that need to make themselves resilient to what life throws at them.

As a result, I think it is better for me to shoot for "Net worth" rather than "retirement account balance". I will be prioritizing taxable accounts in the immediate future, at least until I build up a nest egg that I feel confident can support me over a multi-year time period (envisioning something in the 100-200k range if managed well).
---
On fitness, I feel AMAZING. My weight is somewhat stable, but I look much better in the mirror.
I'm primarily doing zone 2 cardio training, mixing rowing, cycling, walking according to preference and to keep things interesting. I have a whoop wearable, which advises me on the amount of cardio I should be doing based on my sleep, skin temp, respiratory rate, etc. to try and prevent overtraining. I've found that personally, overtraining at zone 2 is incredibly difficult; even if I workout multiple hours per day (1 hour x2 per day), I almost never reach a zone at risk of over-training at this level.
---
As for career, I have received one callback. [Director Level; software in NYC] Unfortunately, I was not near my cellphone when it came in, and the number I tried to call back did not have a voicemail box. I've thought about buying linkedin premium so that I can send the person a direct message, but that could end up being a waste of money. I will probably wait to see if I get a return call this coming week instead. I've also got myself signed up on gig apps (uber/lyft, walmart delivery through spark, etc), but haven't yet pulled the trigger because I'm not yet feeling financially strained and I believe there are better uses of my time for long term benefits. I'm really enjoying the time I spend working out, listening to my backlog of podcasts, and tinkering with my dotfiles and building scripts to automate parts of my programming workflows.
Unemployment was denied, due to something called "reasonable assurance". That is, I have to prove that my unemployment is indeed permanent, and not just some temporary break before I'm called back to service.
I still may qualify, but it will likely be another few weeks of back and forth before all of that is resolved. And the weekly benefit is roughly 300 bucks. That's nothing to sneeze at, but if it ends up taking more than 1 month to resolve all issues, I will likely just resign myself to gig work as a temporary measure.

[Scott 2]

Do you have shorter term milestones for the goals? Like this week / month / quarter?

I personally find it hard to sustain motivation, if I'm looking more than 10 weeks into the future.


I'm close to your heart rate goal. Low 40's. During sleep, my tracker's logged a couple 39's.

I get my lowest numbers laying down, just after sleeping, fasted and absent any drugs. No caffeine, alcohol, minimal sugar, etc for at least a week. Also under low stress and regularly doing 10-20 minutes of calming breathe meditation. I've always had a lower heart rate as well. But IMO those factors can almost immediately give 10-15 points.

I've done a fair bit of cardio and think alone, it's only worth 5-10 points. v02 max is a much better metric. If you've got access to a concept 2 rower, you can estimate it with a maximal 2000m row.

[Veronica]

Do you have shorter term milestones for the goals? Like this week / month / quarter?

I personally find it hard to sustain motivation, if I'm looking more than 10 weeks into the future.


I'm close to your heart rate goal. Low 40's. During sleep, my tracker's logged a couple 39's.

I get my lowest numbers laying down, just after sleeping, fasted and absent any drugs. No caffeine, alcohol, minimal sugar, etc for at least a week. Also under low stress and regularly doing 10-20 minutes of calming breathe meditation. I've always had a lower heart rate as well. But IMO those factors can almost immediately give 10-15 points.

I've done a fair bit of cardio and think alone, it's only worth 5-10 points. v02 max is a much better metric. If you've got access to a concept 2 rower, you can estimate it with a maximal 2000m row.

Hey Scott, hope life finds you well.

On Motivation: I try not to run my life through motivation. I actually found that Bryan Johnson (and his blueprint plan for life extension) sum it up best with something called zero-prinicple thinking.
Make a plan, execute the plan, measure results, modify as necessary.
Do not let your brain make decisions for you, because it's mal-adapted to today's needs. Your brain might have been good enough to help your ancestors catch antelope and plan for how to survive through the winter, but it's ill equipped to deal with modern ills such as information overload, infinite choice, personal and societal outsourcing and the trade-offs and incentives associated with generalist vs specialist approaches to skill acquisition.

So my daily goal is to meet or exceed my fitness trackers suggested strain target. For longevity sake, I will focus the bulk of this at 60-69% max heart rate, but I won't get too upset if I drift a bit.
I plan to do this for about 100 days and assess if this is getting me where I want to be. If not, I may adjust my targets a bit.

---
Sorry for long winded, but I really wanted to try to formulate my thoughts on this into a semi-coherent paragraph.
I'm in the process of trying to entrust my life to systems rather than motivation; I just find my brain is too fickle if I let it run the show. I think there's a saying about going around digging 90 ft wells when the water is 100ft underground! You do a lot of work, but never end up where you hope to be.

[Scott 2]

Got it. I like the use of an adaptive daily target. I've been tempted to abdicate control to my Garmin. I'm curious to see where you land.

Do you have an expectation for day 100, your mark for if it's working? Or is that too rigid?

I read this article on zeroth principle thinking, but it still seems more abstract than I grasp.

https://medium.com/future-literacy/zero ... 76d0b7e7f5

I threw the book he references into my queue - Zero: A Biography of a Dangerous Idea - maybe that will make it clearer.

[Veronica]

I read this article on zeroth principle thinking, but it still seems more abstract than I grasp.

You and me both. There's a bunch of handwavy BS like "I want to do things that change the game completely", which I suppose is to be suspected of an independently wealthy silicon valley type.

But my take on it (probably wrong), is that you shouldn't be satisfied with simply "doing things from first principle"... because you will waste time and effort if those principles are incorrect. Instead, you should approach things with a highly flexible and adaptive attitude, and be willing to try anything and everything (despite your feelings about what should and shouldn't work) in pursuit of the outcome you want. And you should be result's oriented, but only in hindsight. Because being results oriented in the short term can lead to weird disincentives (like the sales rep that has a monthly quota and starts resorting to destructive boiler room tactics to meet that target, even though they are detrimental to him in the long term).