grundomatic's journal

[grundomatic]

Audiobooks on CD in the car is going well. Eckhart Tolle whispering to me about being in the now was exactly what I needed. I'm slowly working my way through other books. It's crazy that hanging around here I'm finally finding the business books I wish I would have found back in business school. I read the executive edition of Images of Organization by Gareth Morgan, and liked it so much I bought the follow-up, Imaginization.

My food plan has hit a snag, so I'm adjusting rather than beating myself up over "failure". I need to manage for ease over challenge, at least half of the time.

In general, I'm finding that my capacity to do things is rebuilding, but is still somewhat limited. For instance, one day last week I was feeling especially motivated. I revisited my neglected GTD list, and went wild knocking things out that had been hanging around forever. Ultimately, I overdid it so I spent two days playing video games to recover. It works the other way, too. After too long indulging in my "guilty pleasure" of gaming, I find doing a few chores not-so-bad-after-all.

[grundomatic]

As far as burnout recovery goes, it's like when I've been sick, but on day 6 I start feeling better and realize just how bad I really felt. Then on day 7 I feel even better, realizing that I was sill not 100% on day 6. If you know how this goes, substitute "month" for "day", and that's how recovery is going.

I still spend most weekdays playing video games, waiting for everyone to get off work. These things are seriously like drugs for me. This past week I spent playing on MtG Arena, because I needed a competitive fix. It can be hard for me to not feel bad about spending so much time "unproductively", but it seems to be what I like doing. Once everyone is off, though, my social schedule is very full.

I just finished my third class at the improv theatre, and performed our showcase to a packed house (thanks, DW, for bringing your meetup group). Everyone seemed to have a good time. Auditions for the company were in December, and I made it. Everyone makes the company, though, so no need for congratulations. I've attended two rehearsals, which have been a blast. I'm sure the new will wear off eventually, but it's extra fun right now as I'm climbing the learning curve.

The timing belt on my car broke. I was fortunate that the valves (or whatever) weren't damaged. I didn't even try to diagnose/repair the car, I just pushed it (with some help) to a shop near where I broke down, which was also right near my house. Nothing like doing that to let me know how out of shape I am. I had started working out before then, but that helped reinforce the need to continue. This repair cost a little more than I made tutoring in January.

Along the same line, my hiking buddy expressed the desire to get in better shape. He agreed when I suggested adding a weekly bike to our weekly hike. I'm glad we talked about it, because he dragged me out on my bike when I was trying to be lazy last week.

I weeded the yard, then it rained, so now things are crazy again. I have more wild arugula growing in just this patch outside my front door than I can possibly eat. I think I may just finally buy a truckload of mulch to spread over the parts of my yard that are 'finished", so I can focus on "fixing" the rest rather than just spending my yard time on "maintenance". I was trying to do my yard with no imported materials, but that may just be too slow-going for my taste. Also, I'm importing gas for my car, as well as pretty much everything else in my life, so I don't know why I should hold such a strict ethic for my yard.

Nearly finished another CD audiobook in the car, but the rest of the books are piling up unread. My library offered a book recommendation service, so I should really get around to seeing how they did.

[Slevin]

I weeded the yard, then it rained, so now things are crazy again. I have more wild arugula growing in just this patch outside my front door than I can possibly eat. I think I may just finally buy a truckload of mulch to spread over the parts of my yard that are 'finished", so I can focus on "fixing" the rest rather than just spending my yard time on "maintenance". I was trying to do my yard with no imported materials, but that may just be too slow-going for my taste.

Local arborists / tree care companies will generally dump enormous amounts of mulched wood on your property for free (it costs them money to dump it). Check around with your local companies and see if they have a big list you can get your name on, and how big of a delivery you can take. If you need it fast, there are also secondary "resellers" of these materials as well, who just have a big spot on their yard where they have the tree companies deliver it to them, and you basically just pay for "time + labor + gas" for deliveries to your front door.

[grundomatic]

Might be at some point you will take this to be your modus operandi. It's uncomfortable but once you get used to it, opens up range of possibilities - at least for me it does!

Living in a world of possibilities is totally my jam. The problem comes when it's time to decide what to actually do. Too many possibilities--something like the paradox of choice (which, to be fair, I did read about in a book). Then there is the opposing viewpoints. Sometimes I'm able to able to put things into perspective, understand where the author is coming from, and take their points for what they are. I guess in this respect, I've grown. Thanks, ERE reading list. Other times, I just want answers. Should I eat the whole grains or not? Too much input and these things pile up and stress me out.

Local arborists / tree care companies will generally dump enormous amounts of mulched wood on your property for free (it costs them money to dump it). Check around with your local companies and see if they have a big list you can get your name on, and how big of a delivery you can take. If you need it fast, there are also secondary "resellers" of these materials as well, who just have a big spot on their yard where they have the tree companies deliver it to them, and you basically just pay for "time + labor + gas" for deliveries to your front door.

Right, I knew about this. I actually have the time now to track them down and get their mulch.

[grundomatic]

My strategy of leaning into the the vacation phase of retirement is panning out how I hoped. I am starting to feel more and more motivation to actually get things done again. Routine is a funny thing, I both need it to keep from totally going off the rails, and also resent it because "boring". I think what I need to do is pick a project that I can make progress on, and that when done will lower maintenance costs. I really dislike maintenance. Playing home chef with ever changing ingredients is fun when done once in a while, but I need to stop short of it feeling like I work in the kitchen. I'm thinking that for the month of March I'll have an indoor and an outdoor project, and that being able to make progress that I can see will give me enough of a dopamine hit to keep me at it.

[Jin+Guice]

I think the two hardest parts of FIRE are 1) feeling like you have enough to be safe (bc enough and safety do not exist) and 2) freeing yourself from the inner demons you must face after you retire.

What impresses me more about Jacob than his life changing idea of early retirement as a window into exiting the consumer-praxis is his seeming ability to instantaneously free his mind from the shackles of shame, doubt and purposelessness that many face after quitting their job.

I haven't totally found the solution yet, but I think it starts with questioning where the shame and doubt come from. I believe people need a purpose and to fit in socially. It sounds like you maintain a robust social life. Why is "wasting your time" playing video games worse than "wasting your time" working a job you don't believe in, that actively disrespects you.

By the rules of the society that tells you the virtual reality of a job is better than the virtual reality of a video game, you have earned your freedom-to game for the rest of your life. I agree that ultimately either path will likely be a hollow existence, but in order to transcend the shame of "being unproductive" you may first need to dance on the grave of those who convinced you that productivity is fulfillment.

[Western Red Cedar]

My strategy of leaning into the the vacation phase of retirement is panning out how I hoped. I am starting to feel more and more motivation to actually get things done again.

How long has the vacation phase lasted, and when did you notice the motivation popping up again? I had initially planned to jump into editing a documentary (something I've never done) after a month of relaxing. Lately I'm just enjoying walks on the beach, some light reading, the occasional nap (which I haven't been able to do for years), sampling delicious coffee, analog journaling, and wandering around aimlessly like a flaneur.

[grundomatic]

How long has the vacation phase lasted, and when did you notice the motivation popping up again? I had initially planned to jump into editing a documentary (something I've never done) after a month of relaxing. Lately I'm just enjoying walks on the beach, some light reading, the occasional nap (which I haven't been able to do for years), sampling delicious coffee, analog journaling, and wandering around aimlessly like a flaneur.

Nine full months so far. Motivation has come in small spurts throughout, with it happening more as of late. The tricky part is walking the fine line between taking actions that will rebuild motivation, and not overdoing it. I think it really depends on the person and how badly they are damaged. Maybe look for when "should" turns into "I'd actually like to", and just be prepared to adjust once you get started again.

I haven't totally found the solution yet, but I think it starts with questioning where the shame and doubt come from. I believe people need a purpose and to fit in socially. It sounds like you maintain a robust social life. Why is "wasting your time" playing video games worse than "wasting your time" working a job you don't believe in, that actively disrespects you.

By the rules of the society that tells you the virtual reality of a job is better than the virtual reality of a video game, you have earned your freedom-to game for the rest of your life. I agree that ultimately either path will likely be a hollow existence, but in order to transcend the shame of "being unproductive" you may first need to dance on the grave of those who convinced you that productivity is fulfillment.

Oh, I've thought about where the shame and doubt come from, and can deal with not fulfilling other's expectations of me. It's deciding what I really want for myself that's tough, see the earlier discussions about values. Whether I choose something "socially accepted" or I choose the opposite, I'm left wondering whether that's what I really want, if it's just what I've been trained to want, or in the latter case just rejecting the norm for the sake of being contrary. I'm independent enough to say "this shit is bananas" and walk away from what I no longer want, but I recognize in myself enough social malleability that I question whether I can ever make a truly independent value judgement. I'd say the current course of action is letting the metaphorical "freedom to game and socialize" horse run so that I can make sure that I don't end up resenting whatever purpose I hopefully find.

[Jin+Guice]

I recently read Saplowski's "Determined" which is him explaining why he believes there is no free will. I found the book to be a fun romp through pop-science, a well written murder mystery where science searches for a conscious spirit only to reveal itself as the killer. His basic thesis is that some part of every decision is determined by either our genetics or our environment or a combination of both, to which I was kind of like "duh."

While I agree with this statement to the point of I don't even see how it's worth arguing about, I think the sleight of hand of the no free-will people is to try to place a reductionist, mechanistic prison on the emergent property of consciousness. If a tree falls in the forest and that tree was objectively always going to fall, but the collapse is perceived as a unique subjective experience of everyone in that forest, is the universe any less mysterious and beautiful?

But I digress. How is this useful? It does not matter if "you" are making the decisions or if every single moment of the universe has lead up until this very moment where every single decision you make is predetermined by past action or your genetic code + your lived environment.

It seems like you are concerned that the social environment has influenced your decision making. It undoubtedly has. This is not such a bad thing, in fact, I think people quite naturally like to fit into a tribe where they can express themselves.

And, slipping seamlessly into my own belief system, I think we sadly live in a time and place where culture pushes us towards a less and less expressive direction, seeking to make us very low dimensional cogs in an increasingly monolithic machine.

Here is my technique for dealing with that:

1) Accept the humans rely largely on heuristics and these heuristics are programmed into us by our environment. It is only possible to undo so much of this programming and it is relatively difficult to even notice (much less undo) the programming.

2) Figure out what "you" "want" to do. This assumes that there is some internal generator of wants/ needs unique to an assumed "true-self."

3) Notice when "you" do not "want" to do what past "you" said you "wanted" to do. This is where "should" comes into play. I think that most of us are so out of touch with our own unique internal generators of what we want to do that we rely on external generators.

This gets messy as our internal generators, that is the "true-self," is shaped by external factors. I don't feel the boundary is important, because as we are chasing the vague feeling of purpose, what matters is whether or not we are able to identify and find it, not exactly how we got there.

If what "you" thought "you" wanted is actually coming from an external generator, possibly a heuristic that has worked for "you" up until now, "you" will notice that "you" feel conflicted and lazy towards what "you" claim to want. I think this is the very definition of should. It's a cunning trap the programming sets and the only way to defeat it is to realign with the "true-self."

4) Notice when you are in flow. The more often you are in flow, the closer you are to identifying the "true-self" and what that "true-self' wants/ needs which I argue is the same as finding purpose.


(3) is the negative feedback loop of low-energy and bad feelings due to being out of alignment with purpose and (4) is the positive feedback loop of positive feelings and energy gained from identifying purpose.

Taking care of base level needs such as eating correctly, exercising and sleeping enough tend to, in my experience, lead us towards a state of flow. This is tricky because in flow we often become so excited as to temporarily suspend these needs and thus trick ourselves into thinking that we should be in this hyper-activated state at all times. I think many of us are also bad at listening to our bodies messages of what our physiological needs are. We have trained ourselves to block them out in order to do what we "should."


In defense of doing nothing: I think flow states and purpose is important. I think many who are in misalignment with themselves are bad at identifying when even their lower-level needs are out of wack and have partially or wholey mis-identified higher-level needs. Thus a period of relaxation and freedom-from external "shoulds" is necessary. The hope is this period leads to a freedom-from internal "shoulds," which is much trickier.

In general I think that either (1) the universe is purposeless so everything is internal and subjective or (2) the universe is purposeful and finding our own "true-self" unique purpose puts us back into alignment with the universe's grand purpose or (3) we are helpless to escape the universe's purpose which is utterly deterministic and so again all experience is subjective and you are always in alignment with the universe's use for you. In so much as you think you experience decision making and free will, you might as well try to find your purpose since it is a well-known way to improve your subjective experience, which is no matter what, in alignment with your purpose.

Of course I'm just making all of this up to provide universe-level justification to what we say in New Orleans:

"Do watchu wanna."

[zbigi]

4) Notice when you are in flow. The more often you are in flow, the closer you are to identifying the "true-self" and what that "true-self' wants/ needs which I argue is the same as finding purpose.

What about millions (billions?) of people, for whom their main source of flow in life are video games? Video games are literally designed to create flow in people.

[Jin+Guice]

Let me clarify:

I think if video games perpetually induce a flow state, and do so without inducing any anxiety or tension, that it is fine to play video games every minute of every day for the rest of your life.

[grundomatic]

This whole response was insightful. I should have thanked you earlier, but I thought I would do so when I had a response. I never came up with that response. Anyhow, thanks for taking the time.

If you think flow state is an indicator of alignment, then I'm doing alright--I can lose myself for hours and hours in video games. I may be misunderstanding flow. It kinda feels like an addiction. Also, it feels a little absurd to think that my "purpose" is to play games. Of course, no more absurd than careerism or popularity contests, so there is that...I should weigh in on the video game thread.

I am doing what I want, at least judging by how I actually spend my time and the feelings generated. I am never dragging my feet, huffing and puffing, "guess I gotta log on and do the daily tasks".

-------

Anyways, I believe that you are implying that the pain involved in decision-making creates the boundary of personal freedom, and I strongly agree.

Decision making IS painful!

The fact is, freedom, once you really have it, can actually suck because now you're responsible for EVERYTHING. No one else is there to make decisions for you, and it can be honestly exhausting.

I don't like having to do everything, let alone decide everything, too.

I'm beginning to wonder if I'm going to make it in ERE.

[guitarplayer]

I think once you become an expert at ere then intuition kicks in and you don’t have to actually think about everything and micromanage life.