Experiences being raised by alternative adults (or raising children as an alt-adult)

[guitarplayer]

Oh wow thanks @Smashter this is a very detailed description of the movie! Yes I should probably take my words back now and in the future don't talk about things I have not seen / experienced / thought through in full (guess if everyone followed this the world would be a whole lot quieter).

[DutchGirl]

@Walwen, I'm sorry to hear that your mother basically neglected your needs (both material and psychological) during your youth due to her mental illness. You basically became a mother to your mother due to her being unable to give you the basic things that a child needs. I'm glad you survived it (not every child does) and that you grew up to be a competent adult (not every child does). But I'm sorry that you seem to have had to do the growing up mostly on your own.

[Frita]

It seems that “Cautionary Tales” could be a sub-category on the Inspiration thread. “The Sailor” also had the emotional stickiness @Smashter described. The difference was we only learned about Paul Erling Johnson’s end, not that of his abandoned children from multiple relationships.

[jennypenny]

DH and I were both raised by traditionally-minded people. Three of them came from unstable poverty and one was an immigrant, so they were all similar in their desire to live solid middle-class lives where we would be seen as upstanding members of the community. I can't really blame them for that even though I don't live that way now, and I mention it only because the previous generation has a lot of (understandable) influence on how people raise their own kids.


DH and I were much more like the ERE crowd from the start. We tried to fit in for a while, but realized when we moved to Stepford that it was all BS and not worth the effort. We aimed to raise the kids ERE-style which you can read about in detail in several threads on the forum. I'm very proud of the fact that they all grokked ERE principles early on and have successfully launched into their own versions of ERE lifestyles.

That said, we made some mistakes. The biggest one (related to this thread) is that we framed our lifestyle similar to the OP ... as an explicitly alternative lifestyle. We learned @'15-'16 that by framing lifestyles as either normal or something else -- even if the 'something else' was conveyed as a positive -- the kids were interpreting that as either 'normal' or 'not normal'. While forumites can take pride in not being normal and understand the nuances of that description, kids can't. And to kids, feeling normal and accepted by their peers is really important.

We adjusted our approach as fast as we could, shifting our language to explain that lifestyles aren't either/or or normal/weird, but rather more 'off the shelf' vs. 'custom'. That seemed to click and gave them the freedom to enjoy more traditional activities alongside more unusual ones. The customizing part also helped us explain how important agency is, as well as building a diverse toolkit of skills and resources, since we point out that people without those things end up in off-the-shelf lifestyles by default. I think the change in framework helped them feel more normal and more in control of their own destiny. They are certainly more comfortable in their own skin and feel free to build the lifestyle they want regardless of whether it's seen as normal, ERE, or something else entirely.

I only mention that because I think there's a risk in viewing child-rearing as traditional vs. alternative. Why is it either/or? I like the standard-issue vs. custom framework better, maybe because it also explains why I personally dislike certain alternative lifestyles because they seem too formulaic. It also allows for children who need more structure while they're young to skew towards the formulaic while more self-assured kids might skew more towards customizing everything, yet all will still feel like they are living according to family values and are a part of the family unit.

As an aside, this gentler approach to ERE has not only benefitted our kids ... our relationships with non-ERE people in our orbit has improved because we don't deliberately set our lifestyles 'against' theirs, intentionally or unintentionally. We now stress that we aim to make intentional choices vs. going along for the ride. No one can really argue with that approach and it has rubbed off on people in our circle in surprising ways.


Sorry so long. Tl;dr ... Don't make it either/or and make your kids choose between being 'normal' and being 'not normal'.

[mathiverse]

Great post, jennypenny!