Just Gravy

[take2]

What do you mean re: different personality / wildly different women?

I never cease to be amazed that despite two children, a full time job, and everything else in your life you still manage to be so productive.

We moved into our new house 3 weeks ago and every weekend I have plans to do so much and accomplish so little. Partially because of lack of skills, partially because I’m exhausted, and partially because DW and I pass DD (22 months) back and forth to get things done.

You remain an inspiration.

[Biscuits and Gravy]

Re personality/different women: DD is only six, so all this conjecture might be moot, but she is bold, particular, and defiant. My girlfriend calls her a “boss bitch.” I have her soft, empathetic brother as a comparison, so I believe DD’s genetic dice were just cast this way and there is no changing those suckers. I’m a “go along to get along,” “harmony above all,” submissive sort of woman. I am strong, but I am not defiant. I don’t think that my personality is better (or that there are “better” personalities), and I know my type certainly isn’t in vogue, but I don’t want to be anyone other than myself, and I also don’t want to bend her away from who she is, even though I think she’ll be a bit… prickly for most people. Daughters look to their mothers for how to behave, and as our personalities seem to be at such odds, I imagine she’ll experience some dissonance and dissatisfaction with what she sees in me. I cannot model how to be a defiant woman.

Re the productivity, it’s a product of my anxiety, so I don’t think it’s really anything to admire. Maybe pity? My expectations are too high and I am very hard on myself. I wish I could relax and enjoy more, so that’s the other side of that coin.

Thank you for the kind words. And congrats on the new house! 22 months was a fun time, enjoy the precious lunges at language and the chubby cheeks!

[chenda]

Re personality/different women:

I wouldn't worry, it's very normal and common for mother's and daughters to clash : )

[Biscuits and Gravy]

Clash? :’( My heart is not prepared for clashing with my baby girl.

[Smashter]

I absolutely loved Matterhorn by Marlantes. For some reason I unfairly decided it was a one-off gem and never considered his other works. Is Deep River worth a read?

[chenda]

Clash? :’( My heart is not prepared for clashing with my baby girl.

Oh I mean in the sense they often have personality differences.

[Biscuits and Gravy]

Is Deep River worth a read?

If you enjoy family epics, then yes, it is worth the read. I liked it so much I sought out his other works. Apparently he has a new book coming out next month, too.

For Matterhorn, I was shocked to discover that part about a tiger eating one of his fellow Marines actually happened. Marlantes has given a few interviews about the book and his experience; they’re worth a watch. I liked how uncomfortable he was on camera.

@Chenda Oh, sorry, I misunderstood. Although there will definitely be some very real clashing in our future!

[Smashter]

Awesome, thanks! Just added it to my list.

That's so wild about the tiger. What a truly insane war. I mean every war is insane in it's own way, but just...wow.

[Biscuits and Gravy]

“We shall be free.” - Garth Brooks

Them There Goals
I sat me down this morning and listed and categorized what’s required to optimize my physical (p), mental (m), emotional (e), and spiritual (s) health. Each item contributes to the specific health indicated.
- Clean House (mes)
- Proper Nutrition, no alcohol, no sugar (pme)
- Lexapro (me)
- Connection/touch/sex (pmes)
- Secure finances (me)
- Exercise and daily stretching (pmes)
- Weight at 135 lbs (pmes)
- Time alone (pmes)
- Time with kids (es)
- Time with hubs (pmes)
- Feeling of success/accomplishment (mes)
- Community (mes)
- Coffee (pmes)

I have carried detrimental habits over from the periods of my life when I needed and wanted to escape. I no longer need nor want to escape. I love my life. I no longer have use for those habits. I can now focus on letting go of them. Thanks for your services: negative self-talk, alcohol, and sugar/overeating. I can handle it from here on out.

There it is.

On Country Music
I grew up listening to country music, then drifted away from it after 9/11 when the whole genre became aggressively patriotic overnight (“We’ll put a boot up yer ass, it’s the American way!” Calm down, Toby Keith). Fast forward ten years, my ex-husband teased me mercilessly about listening to country music and wouldn’t allow me to play or sing it. But now that he’s gone I crank it up and sing it around my kids and even thicken my accent around them so a’int nobody gonna think that them some Yankees. All this to say, it feels good to reclaim this part of my identity, and, shoot, some of the newcomers, like Chris Stapleton and Morgan Wallen, a’int too bad.

My Dad’s Side
My kids are asking to meet my dad. Sometimes I think, well, what could be the harm. Then I recall my enduring memory of my dad’s dad, cradled in that greasy armchair, reeking of cigarettes, the ever-present can of Old Milwaukee in one hand, saying, “I a’int never seen no Chinaman,” and I reconsider. I do have one fond memory of my dad’s dad. I remember sitting with him and my dad around the dining room table my mother had picked out. They were drunk and laughing hard, imitating Irish accents, telling me about my “homeland” and “my people.” When my dad laughs hard, he gets red in the face and cries and rubs his eyes and says “oh, shoot” a lot and his beer belly jiggles and he laughs longer than is reasonable. I’d quite like to remember him laughing.

My sisters and I recently and tentatively reconnected with our dad, and he responded by playing the victim and sending us racist memes, so, you know, so much for that. Mourning the dead is easier than mourning the living sometimes.

On My Ex-Husband’s New Wife
My ex-husband’s new wife is wonderful. She’ll text me cute and funny things about our kids and she chides them right. I stop by their house to drop a toy off or something and she offers me fresh-baked goods. That’s all. She’s awesome.

On 2023
What a crazy full year that was. Moved, got married, DD started kindergarten, a death, and a birth. I feel so happy, fortunate, loved, and connected. I love my life. Cheers, y’all!

[delay]

Thanks for your journal and cheers for 2023!

I can now focus on letting go of them. Thanks for your services: negative self-talk, alcohol, and sugar/overeating. I can handle it from here on out.

Been working on that for years. I can live without for months but eventually succumb. That's a a given. What matters is what happens after. If I try to punish myself or enforce a strict diet the overeating comes back with a vengeance.

What seems to work for me is accepting or even loving my "overeating self". I indulge him while he visits. Then when he leaves after a few days the extra weight is moderate and easy to deal with. Learning to love my overeating self was a difficult step.

[Biscuits and Gravy]

“The view I love the most is my front porch looking in.” – Lonestar

A coworker passed away. Heart attack boom dead. My first reaction was shock, because she was relatively young. My second reaction was to give thanks that I fucked my husband before leaving for work that day, even though it made me late, because carpe diem. I'd like to think she would've laughed at that latter thought.

Health: I’m having a trifficult (that’s a portmanteau from the show Bluey, meaning “tricky and difficult”) time getting my weight back under 140. “Where it is practically necessary for you to pursue or avoid anything, do even this with discretion and gentleness and moderation.” – Epictetus. I cannot diet, but I can move more. So begins the slow slog back to the 30s.

Momming: My daughter now has a bestie with whom she desperately wants a playdate. I’ve tried unsuccessfully to woo said bestie’s mom via text. I finally met the mom in person at a school function and I have never before so relentlessly pursued another human. I defenestrate Epictetus’s above teaching as soon as one of my children wants something. This is what my life has come to: shamelessly chasing introverted SAHMs who have long given up on life in order to orchestrate a fleeting moment of happy for my offspring.

I was relieved that my daughter didn’t befriend Betsy, whose mother is the quintessential good Christian suburban SAHM and who undoubtedly has “Live Laugh Love” plastered somewhere, if not everywhere, in her Texas-sized home, maybe even over the bed where after two glasses of white wine she begrudgingly succumbs to her husband once a week. I don’t think, even on behalf of my daughter, I could chase a woman like that. /catty misogyny

Skiing: I’m trying to learn how to ski. This has been a real challenge to my narrative about myself. I write myself as athletic, brave, and reasonable, but staring down a mountain’s snowy slope with two pieces of wood(?) strapped to my feet blithely erases those qualities. DH kindly helped me up each time I fell and held me and encouraged me as I sobbed in terror on the "easiest" run. This seems to be a trifficult sport to pick up as an adult, but I am determined to get the hang of it. “Manliness gains much strength by being challenged” and whatnot.

Reading: I read three books in January: The Confessions of Nat Turner by William Styron, Today a Woman Went Mad in the Supermarket: Stories by Hilma Wolitzer, and Gilead by Marilynn Robinson.

Nat Turner was hard to like. It won a Pulitzer, but it’s Styron (an educated white man and resident of Martha’s Vineyard) writing from inside the mind of Nat Turner (a slave who led a deadly slave rebellion in 1831). I came into it with zero knowledge of the controversy the novel sparked, and reading about all of the hubbub was slightly more satisfying and entertaining than the book itself.

Gilead also won a Pulitzer, I think rightly so. I especially liked these lines: “I enjoy the hope that when we meet I will not be estranged from you by all the oddnesses life has carved into me,” and “It all means more than I can tell you. So you must not judge what I know by what I find words for.”

Of the three, I enjoyed Wolitzer’s collected stories the most, which she wrote from the 1960s to the present day. She had poignant and unpretentious depictions of life’s common moments, especially in a marriage. It was very beautiful.

Jan. 2024 Breakdown
Net Income: 6,459.4
Retirement Contributions (TSP and pension): 5,485.89
Expenses: 5,283.16

Rent: 1200
Utilities: 209.27
Car Note: 380
Car gas, upkeep, insurance, parking: 336.83
Renter’s Insurance: 12.75
Term Life Insurance: 81.64
Cell phone: 20
Childcare: 297.5
Home: 24.85
Kid Activities: 496.59
Clothing/Shoes: 298.89
Subscriptions: 43.24
Gifts: 47.57
Groceries: 583.01
Eating out: 64.88
Hobby: 38.83
Travel: 529.2
Medical: 184.15
Big Box: 433.96

I'd like to be at 3,500 expenses per month. I have no clue why I spent nearly 500 on kid activities this month. That was very thoughtless of me.

@delay Aye, wise counsel, self-acceptance and self-compassion. Thanks for the comment, I am glad I will have those words to come back to.

[Biscuits and Gravy]

“Rock me mama like the wind and the rain,
rock me mama like a southbound train,
heeeeey mama rock me."
- Darius Rucker

It's spring in Texas. The redbuds and Mexican plums are blooming pink and white along Buffalo Bayou. The first bluebonnets have popped up and the azaleas are rioting in River Oaks. The palmetto bugs have resumed their campaign of sneak attacks. Horse feces are strewn about downtown streets from the cowboys on their way to the Rodeo. We dress our kids in boots and hats, they sing "Deep in the Heart of Texas," and we make them cling to stampeding sheep (it's called Mutton Bustin', checkitout). It's a special time.

Feb. Income: $7487.95
Feb. Expenses: $3815.19 (only spent $106 on kid activities this month!)
Savings rate: 49%

Phase I and Phase II Retirements
I'm going to break my retirement into two phases. Phase I is the period between ages 38 1/2 to 57, and Phase II spans from age 57 to death.

Phase I will be a downshift and begin after I leave my current position. At age 38 1/2 (in 2 1/2 years), I will have provided 10 years of service to the federal government, which makes me eligible to receive my FERS annuity at age 57 instead of age 62. My annuity should be just over $9k/year, for the rest of my life. Assuming I live to 95, that's over $340k. Not a bad deal, and we all know that $9k a year is a very livable income. I can max my contributions to my TSP and my Roth IRA (which I plan to use to offset my kids' college expenses) over the next 2 1/2 years and then just let them grow.

I am not sure what I am going to do with my time from ages 38 1/2 to 57, and that's kind of the point. It'll be my "freedom-to" era (albeit I'll still be constrained by my darling children). I'll still be healthy and employable, but I'll no longer need to bring home $90+k a year. I like being useful and I will still need to earn money to support my kids and myself (roughly $40-50k/year, I imagine), but I'd prefer to work part-time or in a more "meaningful" (to me) role. Ideas so far have been writing, working with the elderly, or working for Houston or my public school district (not as a teacher, I'm not made for that). The big relief in this Phase is that I will already have provided for my Phase II self and I won't necessarily need to stuff a bunch of money away.

Phase II
With my annuity, social security, Medicare, and TSP, I think I should be safe from having to resort to living on the streets, or--god forbid--with one of my children. I don't want to rely on "social capital" in my dotage because that is frankly a lot to ask and assume of my loved ones. They're entitled to live their own lives, and I accept that I might not be a part of those lives. When I'm 57, my youngest will be 27, and hopefully he'll have figured out his shit by then and not need any financial support, so I'll be free to financially downshift further.

Why am I planning on quitting at 38 1/2?
I've been a working mom for 7 years, and now I'm a working mom with a daily 90-minute commute. I can't keep it up, and every school flyer that comes home inviting me to a picnic with my kid at 11 am on a Wednesday is a punch in the gut. I want me, my husband, my kids, my family, and even my community to get the best of me, and that ain't happening with my current full-time gig. So I'll put my blinders on, do my last two and a half years of federal service to the best of my abilities, and then begin a new phase of life.

…she boldly declares, knowing full well what a shitstorm life is.

[chenda]

Glad you're doing well biscuits. One thing I've learnt is you can have too high an income in old age.

[delay]

Thanks for your blog! I'm surprised to read about working while the kids are young. It's more common to do it the other way around. From what I see in families, the best time to be with kids seems until their 12th year, after which their need for parents decreases. What's your thinking in working now, and saving now, to have more freedom when the kids are older?

[Biscuits and Gravy]

@Chenda I’m well, but not sober. Sigh. I need you to sponsor me, girl. My liver ain’t gonna make it to Phase II.

What's your thinking in working now, and saving now, to have more freedom when the kids are older?

That’s just how it worked out in my life. Intentionality is a privilege, yo. I was biologically ready to have kids at 29, but not financially ready to stop working, and I didn’t want to risk having kids at a later age. My ex-husband didn’t make enough to support a family of four. (I do/did, and he actually did stay home for one year when our kids were 1 and 2, even though we were no longer a couple).

And I’m not specifically doing this to “have more freedom when the kids are older.” I’m burnt out and want/need and will finally be able to downshift and it just so happens to coincide with the kids being a little older. There are some things I would have changed about working when they were babies, but I’m glad I kept working. I needed the break from them, and from the house, and I needed to preserve some piece of myself. If going to daycare damaged them or our relationship, I just don’t see it, nor could I, because I have no other point of reference.

From what I see in families, the best time to be with kids seems until their 12th year

I’m not sure exactly what you mean by this. Best time for whom? For the kids? For the parents? For society? Man, who knows, there are innumerable factors when it comes to raising kids, and there just can’t be a one-size-fits-all here. Also, IME, there’s no “best” time to be with kids. Like there’s a “best” time to have someone jam bamboo under your fingernails. Sometimes the stars align and they’re not bickering and no one’s asking me to jump up and fetch them X and no one’s sick and we’re all chill and even those times are not, ya know, what I would term the “best.” There are tolerable times, sure. Maybe even some enjoyable and heart-warming times. The other night DD snuggled up next to @Suo and that was pretty sweet, especially since her snuggles are few and far between. But yeah, kids are kids, and they’re not easy.

[7Wannabe5]

I think the best age to spend with your kids depends a good deal on your personality type and their personality types. For instance, I do really well with babies and toddlers, but the elementary/middle school conformist phase of Barbie-love, Disney videos and Knock-Knock fart jokes makes me a bit nutz. So, my preference would be age 0-6 and then pick them up again at age 14. Also, in terms of problematic kid behaviors, I do much better with crazy-wild-child than sulky-weepy-child. When one of my students sits down at my table, puts his head on his arms, and says "I'm saaaad today", I'm like "Oh crap, not this again."

[delay]

I’m not sure exactly what you mean by this. Best time for whom? For the kids? For the parents? For society? Man, who knows, there are innumerable factors when it comes to raising kids, and there just can’t be a one-size-fits-all here.

Thanks for your reply! I was thinking for the parents. Beyond 12 kids seem to prefer the companionship of other kids or laptops or mobiles. Not much fun to compete for attention against those.

Like you say I see large differences. One kid was enthousiastic about holidays with this parents at age 20. No one size fits all indeed.

[Western Red Cedar]

I like the concept of the multi-phase plan. It sounds fiscally responsible, but if feelings or circumstances change, you always have the option to switch things up.

“Rock me mama like the wind and the rain,
rock me mama like a southbound train,
heeeeey mama rock me."

I love me some Wagon Wheel and have been playing it around the campfire since the mid aughts, but I can't let Darius Rucker take the credit for this gem of a song. Even if he was the one to popularize it so that people actually know one of the obscure folk/country songs I like to play.

Not sure if you know much about the history of it, but Old Crow Medicine Show heard the chorus you quoted from Bob Dylan in an outtake of Pat Garrett and Billy the Kid (not sure if it was the film or the album). They did some digging and found out there wasn't much else there. Dylan gave them his blessing to make a song out of it, which they did on their self-titled album. They shared the writing credits for it, but OCMS did the heavy lifting in my opinion.

A decade later Dylan reached out to OCMS and said he had another song that he wasn't able to figure out what to do with. As any sane musician says when Bob Dylan calls, "thanks, we'll figure it out." You might like it based on some of what you've shared here:

Sweet Amarillo: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4-NaZzG5eAU

Their solo album was a beautiful contrast to a lot of the punk rock my roommates and I would listen to in College. Definitely worth checking out if you haven't heard it. A couple of my favorite tracks from it:

I Hear Them All (a beautiful tribute to NOLA): https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ug7IgB8MfWE

Take Em Away: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E89LESI7OdY

[Biscuits and Gravy]

I had no clue, WRC! Thanks for the education and great songs.

[Biscuits and Gravy]

Today I asked my boss if I could work part-time. We had a good conversation about what that would look like, and I felt elated and relieved. Now, I can hear him working it out with others in my office and I feel a pit growing in me and my mouth is dry. Is this really going to happen? I’ve never made it a secret to my coworkers how much of a struggle it is to balance little kids and work, but how could I just admit that I can’t manage to do this anymore. I’ve managed being a working mom for seven years, after all, and am I just throwing in the towel now? My midwestern roots are shriveling in shame. And there’s this feeling of, oh shit, I just started a ball rolling.