I just got delivered another heartbreak that things are going to take longer than I hoped. I thought I would be back to starting to put my life back together in March, but alas, it doesn't seem to be the case. I have no particular estimate now. But, a few mildly interesting updates occurred in the meantime now that it's officially been 2 months since I stopped working.
First of all, I tried to resign from my job, and they instead offered me leave. I'm very unclear why. My performance for last year was below average. I don't have FMLA coverage for more than 1 week from the disability leave I took last year lasting basically that entire 3 months.
Not only did they offer me leave, my managers seemed relieved when we were all on my resignation call and I was like, "Oh sure, I'll take leave if they offer it." There was an immediate mood shift. I don't understand. They should want me to resign. Don't look a gift horse in the mouth, I guess. I get basically free medical coverage and I just pay $6 a month to keep my dental. If they do layoffs, I get severance, but that's unlikely, honestly. If they don't, then assuming I'm better on time, I get to go back to a job that's not great, but okay. If they put me on a new team, I may even remain at the company. If I have to resign at the end of the 6 months, I still got that free medical insurance for 6 months.
This is not how I was taught Corporate America works. In general, my job has gotten very Office Space over the past year or two, and this is the final Office Space straw. It feels like I pulled a heist. I really do feel like the scene when the guy walks into the meeting and says a bunch of crap and gets promoted. Again, I'm grateful, but I also feel like I want a clean break. I'm not me unless I'm scrambling to survive and making big changes. This isn't a medical break like my disability leave last year. This is a medical-induced life reset I'm trying to embark upon.
That's the big news. I wonder if anyone has any insights on that... The theories I've heard from my friends is that if the company is in an unofficial hiring freeze (it is for US), the executives would love to fire me, but they don't know I exist. Like, my managers would have to appeal to the execs to replace me which is a bigger loss than the 6 months, but they can approve this leave under the radar of the execs.
Second, let's talk a bit about spending. I didn't believe the general common knowledge that people spend less when they're not working, but it's true. I'm not counting the thousands in medical bills and flights on very short notice to my appointments in my budget, to clarify.
In January, I spent $600 or so outside of my rent. I didn't have any leftover groceries, I went out to eat, I bought video games, I went to a movie, and I bought even more than my usual in the category I define as "toiletries," which is kind of a code word for OTC medical stuff. I'm still using train money from when I was employed and that was deducted from my salary, but even then, I don't take the train every day anymore, it just doesn't make sense to. I'm sitting at home basically daily, obviously because the medical stuff, but if I wasn't, I still don't think the spending would change that much. I'd probably sign up for a couple of music lessons and some kind of fitness thing (currently still most interested in martial arts and tennis) which would cost a couple hundred dollars a month, but then I'd be at budget ($850 outside of rent). I don't mind going above my budget if it's for thoughtful lifestyle changes like that either, maybe even adding a new category in the budget for Cultivation.
Overall, although I'm happy about this, it might finally be time for me to admit inflation has affected me, for the first time since I wrote down this budget a year ago. Energy bills keep going up... I changed my plan which should save enough money to keep my current budget. Fingers crossed. The "toiletries" category is almost confirmed to be going up. That's not inflation, that's just the realities of my new medical situation. I don't want to take money out of my other categories just to keep the clean $30k a year budget, and I obviously deserve and can afford the best medical stuff on the planet.
Third, let's talk about the finding freedom to. This reply from Slevin in his journal really came at the right time for me.
Slevin wrote: ↑Wed Jan 10, 2024 2:04 pm
Good. I'm glad a lot of people liked and got value from the post. Its not perfect though; sometimes life forces us into places where there is nothing to do...
Life sucks sometimes. My favorite advice in these times is from Ajahn Brahm (physicist turned buddhist monk), which is to
sit down and have a cup of tea. When there is nothing to do, do nothing. Worst case, if things don't improve, you can still enjoy the tea
.
I realized I felt pressured by both myself and my friends to make this time some kind of grand adventure. I think it's that corporate slavery point of view: How often will I have 6 months off of work? I really have to live it up! It's the same kind of wasteful and overzealous attitude of people who travel to a destination across the world for 6 days so they can be back for the Monday meeting, and it's just running from photo-worthy spot to photo-worthy spot. I don't have to hold myself to that kind of living it up standard.
I transitioned to thinking of this time like I'm a patient and giving myself that grace. That's worked wonders. It still does mean that as I woke up today and wanted to write to you all, I was appalled that it's been 2 months because I've done so little with that time. But, it's fine. I went from not eating to eating frozen food 3x a day to eating my own cooking 3x a day. I went from no exercise to doing a small bodyweight routine most days. I went from never cleaning the apartment to spending 5 minutes a day most days cleaning. It's okay. I'm a patient. A big part of the transition to accepting I'm a patient is not making myself do things that I don't truly want to do. I don't have to put myself through pain anymore. Just letting myself say no, the pain is not worth the pleasure. It's not worth it. It's okay to do nothing rather than something that hurts you. (I'd like to clarify: Exercise-type pain, good. I think I've kind of kid myself into thinking that for example, something I really can't do for medical reasons like reading a book after how much work takes away from me is exercise-type pain. It's not. It's medical pain. Stop! Don't do it!)
Hell, I have enough money now that I think I never have to do the exchange of work and pain again. I've sacrificed 6 years of my limited time with the best years of my degenerative disease. Within those 6 years, the threshold of "best" has already gone down. Medical technology has improved, and god knows, I've now spent thousands of dollars on these medical advances to compensate for my body continuing to degrade. And that's great and thank god and there's still potential for this doctor I'm seeing right now to give me the best health I've had in a decade. It's possible. But, it's going to get worse.
With these 6 years, I've also made $500,000. That's 80% of the way to my most frugal financial independence option, 33% of the way to my proper option, and 25% of the way to my luxury option. I know this is a frugal forum where a ton of people have this kind of money and more, but.. Let's be real. That's a lot of money. It would take 12 years to run out if I never made a dime again.
I want something to come BEFORE work now. I want something I prioritize above work now. I think that can still fit with a full-time job, maybe, if not, freelancing. This isn't necessarily what I want, but some examples of what I mean: my friend was in a band and had practice 3x a week and hauled their drums on public transit, another friend does competitive sports as an adult aka a total time and money sink, there's a bunch of cycling groups in my area that do these long cycling runs in the mornings, volunteering as I've said before and did put before work -- I volunteered twice a week and once was on a weekday, etc.. This doesn't have to be during work hours, but something that I show up to with even more commitment than work. It doesn't even have to be a group thing, although that would be nice. Like, I have an indie theater really close to my place... I never go... Reading 50 books a year would be this kind of commitment. I want one thing that's really important to me that doesn't work around work. Work works around it.
I don't know what that is yet. I have no idea. As I've said before, I'll really only know what my limits are once I'm out of medical limbo. I'm not pushing myself to try new or old things yet. However, I'm really starting to struggle with this "living two-three weeks at a time" between appointments. I've been using video games as these kinds of projects that take that length of time to complete. But, I don't know, I'm getting pretty worn out on video games. I guess next I'll try TV? But, I don't really like that either. Ideas are absolutely welcome. I'm particularly curious if anyone has any ideas for some kind of fitness thing that could fit into two weeks that wouldn't be injury-inducing considering that I am basically hospital-grade unfit, I'm in bedrest constantly.
That's about it. Living 2 weeks at a time, but, I have good medical insurance. It's a high deductible plan, though, so I'm actually probably not saving any money as compared to the ACA plans. It's fine.