Re: My side of the mountain
Posted: Mon Apr 08, 2024 12:27 pm
Regret Minimization Framework
Minimizing regret is a sort of stupid "philosophy". Avoiding a negative emotion as a focal point in life. Not the most uplifting. But who cares, kinda. It's been highly useful for me.
I've done things in life that have been scary and hard because if I didn't, I'd know I'd feel like a total lame ass wuss. I wanted it but I didn't try? Talk about ruining your own mental health, speaking from experience.
One of these things was talking in class. I look more extroverted today, but especially in high school, I hated public speaking. Did the fastest thing I could do to get it over with, screw the grade, etc. I punted/gave up on stuff that makes me embarrassed, looking back.
The thing is I did enjoy the content in high school. Teachers picked on me because I was paying attention and interested. I just couldn't handle being the sole focus in the room (this is hard!, imo, without practice). And I realized: my life is going to be super lame (to me) if I don't get over this fear.
So I talked every day in every class in college (during student discussion). 4 years. I didn't miss a day except when a polysci teach forbade the "regulars" from talking. I tried not to be obnoxious about it but I did it to do it.
That skill, developed from minimizing regret, ended up being critical when I was put into board meetings with 3 VCs grilling me about how we're doing restarting their failed startup a year later. That skill was instrumental in learning how to manage social pressure while being myself when I was learning about dating / interrupting a group of people to do a live interview with their friend to see if we're a good match.
Had I given up on that hope and let that fear win, I wouldn't have started my current business or met those VCs, I wouldn't have had the fun meeting people all over the world, living abroad.. I wouldn't have met my wife.
Having doubts and confidence issues about aiming for bigger harder things sounds like the right shape of problem to be aiming for, even if it doesn't feel good.
And with all things, I know later down the path I'll look back and go "eh, that wasn't that hard, it was mostly awesome."
Here's the other thing about regret minimization: it's uncommon. Most people are okay folding on their dreams and they're unwilling to change enough to build a life where they can at least try.
So the real cheat code in regret minimization ends up being that when you're "on the other side" of the wall of fear that most people cannot pass, you meet a lot of really interesting people and when you enter that room to meet them, you walk in having earned your entry because you actually did a hard thing.
That is real confidence. That is real self-esteem. That is how you know you kicked life's ass on your deathbed.
A good life has scary looking shapes on the horizon. Keep running toward them.
// Philosophy brain cannot help but interject here to establish a specific qualification: you really have to want to have the thing you're afraid of, otherwise it's not a regret. I have so much interest in not jumping from a plane with a parachute on me that I'd pay someone to ensure I don't have to! I'll die without regret knowing I didn't experience have to experience X because I never wanted X. Fear alone is insufficient to explain regret.
// Fear + desire + inaction = regret.
// Fear + desire + action = regret minimization.
Minimizing regret is a sort of stupid "philosophy". Avoiding a negative emotion as a focal point in life. Not the most uplifting. But who cares, kinda. It's been highly useful for me.
I've done things in life that have been scary and hard because if I didn't, I'd know I'd feel like a total lame ass wuss. I wanted it but I didn't try? Talk about ruining your own mental health, speaking from experience.
One of these things was talking in class. I look more extroverted today, but especially in high school, I hated public speaking. Did the fastest thing I could do to get it over with, screw the grade, etc. I punted/gave up on stuff that makes me embarrassed, looking back.
The thing is I did enjoy the content in high school. Teachers picked on me because I was paying attention and interested. I just couldn't handle being the sole focus in the room (this is hard!, imo, without practice). And I realized: my life is going to be super lame (to me) if I don't get over this fear.
So I talked every day in every class in college (during student discussion). 4 years. I didn't miss a day except when a polysci teach forbade the "regulars" from talking. I tried not to be obnoxious about it but I did it to do it.
That skill, developed from minimizing regret, ended up being critical when I was put into board meetings with 3 VCs grilling me about how we're doing restarting their failed startup a year later. That skill was instrumental in learning how to manage social pressure while being myself when I was learning about dating / interrupting a group of people to do a live interview with their friend to see if we're a good match.
Had I given up on that hope and let that fear win, I wouldn't have started my current business or met those VCs, I wouldn't have had the fun meeting people all over the world, living abroad.. I wouldn't have met my wife.
Having doubts and confidence issues about aiming for bigger harder things sounds like the right shape of problem to be aiming for, even if it doesn't feel good.
And with all things, I know later down the path I'll look back and go "eh, that wasn't that hard, it was mostly awesome."
Here's the other thing about regret minimization: it's uncommon. Most people are okay folding on their dreams and they're unwilling to change enough to build a life where they can at least try.
So the real cheat code in regret minimization ends up being that when you're "on the other side" of the wall of fear that most people cannot pass, you meet a lot of really interesting people and when you enter that room to meet them, you walk in having earned your entry because you actually did a hard thing.
That is real confidence. That is real self-esteem. That is how you know you kicked life's ass on your deathbed.
A good life has scary looking shapes on the horizon. Keep running toward them.
// Philosophy brain cannot help but interject here to establish a specific qualification: you really have to want to have the thing you're afraid of, otherwise it's not a regret. I have so much interest in not jumping from a plane with a parachute on me that I'd pay someone to ensure I don't have to! I'll die without regret knowing I didn't experience have to experience X because I never wanted X. Fear alone is insufficient to explain regret.
// Fear + desire + inaction = regret.
// Fear + desire + action = regret minimization.