Sure, not all unpleasant behavior comes from someone being at the 2nd Kegan level. It’s just that it was people who I’m pretty sure fit the Kegan2 description who were behaving unpleasantly, and that this required a different kind of solution than frictions with the other roommates, who thankfully were the majority. With them, talking amicably about potential issues before they could arise was more than enough.
These two people (there were more who I managed to avoid) seemed to always use whatever standard benefited them most, e.g. the the one who was picking on my table manners had bad etiquette herself. The other gave a spectacular impression of suffering from her leg injury when she wanted me to clean her mess and pack her mission pack, but barely limped when it would be limiting her ability to do something she wanted to do. With both of them, the only way I managed to get them to direct their unpleasantness elsewhere was to escalate/retaliate. Zero-sum transactional describes it pretty well.
And yeah, I’m also definitely in a period of bliss/honeymoon phase that’s perhaps common for my age known as “simply leaving home”. And earning a living independently. And not having a moral obligation for upholding expectations other than my own. It’s an absolutely awesome feeling. I’m curious to see how long it persists/when a new normal settles in. Eight weeks and counting.
I think a key to setting and maintaining appropriate boundaries is having a sort of “power base” outside of the relationship within which you are attempting to draw boundaries. This can be anything, but at the most basic level, it’s the ability to walk away.
(This isn’t my insight btw. Over at the MMM forum, where I used to lurk before coming here, there is a prolific poster who often gives advice in the “relatives who just don’t get it” thread. She mentioned an ebook she wrote on the subject of dysfunctional relationships called “The seven servants of the toxic emperor: Enabling roles and how to break out of them” (by R.A. Williams). Most people wouldn't get much or anything out of it, but I found it quite entertaining and useful.
Though the target audience for most of its practical advice is people who have their lives much, much less together than someone pursuing ERE. I mainly found the analysis helpful. )
Preferred style of boundary maintenance is Advanced stuff, Healthy Relationships 201 at least
I’m still on the high school curriculum. But interesting to think about nonetheless.