m741's ERE Journal

[JasonR]

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[jacob]

So the March cycle is your biggest? Me too. My weakest months comprise the February cycle

Preference: Big fish, small lake? (complacency, relaxed) Small fish, big lake? (stress, opportunity to learn)
[refer to http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/c ... ll.svg.png Where do you prefer to be? ]

[Spartan_Warrior]

Ah, a fellow FartStoner. My blizzard ID is #1726 (MQNSTER). Feel free to add me, but I probably won't be much use in your goal to adapt to losing. On the bright side, I could always use more help in that regard, myself.

My GF plays it more (and better) than me. She's #1479 (Mulder).

[m741]

@jacob - I was a big fish in a big, sparsely populated pond (big, talent-poor company). Now I'm a little fish in a big pond. In terms of technical environment went from 'relaxation' to 'arousal' zones, but my preferred zone would be 'control'. (Politically, I went the opposite direction, from anxiety to relaxation). I'm starting to adapt, though.

@SpartanWarrior/JasonR - I'll have to add you guys. There's plenty of things to complain about in Hearthstone .

[workathome]

You guys are kinda jerks. You mention this Hearthstone game... so I download it and wasted like 4 hours today playing it ;-D

[m741]

May 2014 Update

Woo, May! Hard to believe that we're almost halfway through 2014. It's passed faster than any year I can remember. I'll jump right in.

I actually didn't track my expenses for May. I think it was pretty bad, and a big goal for June is to reign things in.

As far as income, I received exactly $700 from dividends. I also invested enough to bump my estimated monthly dividend income $60 to $920. That's starting to be really livable for me, and I've still got a lot that hasn't been invested yet. My net worth also rose $12k for the month, which is really surprising... but I won't complain. I've saved or earned about $90k from investments since I started working again.

It's sometimes difficult for me to consider the amount of dividend income I'm able to pull in, particularly the amount I increase each month. Even the increase is a very tangible number; the total is pretty shocking. It's the one new year's resolution I've really stuck with, and I've seen my predicted income rise from $550 to $920 in the course of 6 months. June should be a very big month as I'm scheduled to get quarterly dividends from the mutual funds, which comprise my largest holdings.

Outside finance, I've just been super busy, mostly with work. We have an initial release scheduled towards the end of this month, and there's been a strong push for that. The pressure isn't off after that, as we have another incremental release soon after, but I anticipate a quiet summer afterwards. I've been working 11-12 hours a day, about the same as what I was working in finances. But at least I can program all day and don't have to deal with political bullshit. I'm tired after work, but it's easy to keep some distance at home. I haven't lost sleep over work emails like I used to.

Aside from that, I've been busy with the girlfriend each weekend. We did a trip to DC and various musical events. Last weekend we went to a park, and we play board games almost every weekend. I've been buying a fair amount of games this year, and I'm starting to reach a point where there's a lot of options to pick from, so I think it'll taper off. I think I'll wait to buy more games until each game has 10-15 plays - I track all plays in a big spreadsheet. (Recent games include Mr Jack, Jaipur, Ticket to Ride Netherlands, Citadels, Hanabi).

So, that's about it. I don't have much time to pursue any of my interests right now. I'm looking forward to things calming down in a bit and being able to relax.

[DutchGirl]

... There's a Ticket to Ride Netherlands? Cool!

The market has been doing very well this month, I guess that explains some of the $12k rise in your net worth. Good luck with work, and I am glad that you also have some time to enjoy life with your girlfriend

[m741]

@Dutchgirl: Yes! Ticket to Ride Nederland is really good. It feels very different from the normal TTR, since there's a good reason to claim routes early. It's cheap, if you like the others, I think you'll like it as well. The only problem for us is pronouncing the city names. Amsterdam, Rotterdam are all well. But 's Gravenhagen, Enschede, Lelystad. Feels like I'm butchering them.


I've been feeling pretty stressed recently, and I can't put my finger on why. Politics at the new job is minimal, and that was the biggest factor in my stress before. So I'm certainly less stressed now than say, 18 months ago.

I think there are a few reasons:
1. I'm definitely a mid-range developer in the new job. So I feel like a little fish in a very big pool. Furthermore, I feel like I wasted 2-3 years at the previous job, learning nothing and just collecting a paycheck. In retrospect, that was a mistake, and I feel like I've "fallen behind." Maybe that's solipsistic... or overly competitive, but I can't help it.
2. We just went through a ~2-3 month push to prepare a release. I was working long hours (11-12 a day). But this is roughly the same as the hours I used to work. So it feels strange to be this exhausted. I have some suspicion that I'm still "burned out," but that's all self-diagnosed. Or maybe I'm "out of shape" and not used to working so hard? Either way, I'm still recovering from that push.
3. I have a lot of difficulty moderating my work. I worked a lot harder for part of those 2-3 months than I needed to. And now that I have less to do, I feel stressed about that!
4. I've been going through a pretty big lifestyle change. I used to spend almost every weekend on my own, sleeping or being lazy. But now I do things almost every weekend. Of course I have a great time, but I wonder if I'm still adjusting to that.
5. My health has been pretty bad lately. I have a bit of pain in my ankle that worries me out of running (I'm hoping to hop on an elliptical soon but haven't had time). My back gets sore, and I've put on some weight. I'm working on addressing this.

[spoonman]

I'm sorry to hear you're feeling stressed lately. The fact that you've put in 11-12 hours each day is probably the dominant factor, maybe more than you know. The month of may was hell for me, I worked my ass off for an impossible project and ended up getting sick at the end. Most of my anger has worn off now, so I think in time you'll be able to reach a new equilibrium as well.

[DutchGirl]

I don't know you well enough and I don't know the job you had or the one you have now, but it could very well be that your previous job wasn't challenging enough and that you could have learned more quicker at another job. But you cannot change that anymore, right now, so please be kind to yourself, and just work from your current situation, no matter how you got there. It could also explain why 11-12 hour shifts at your current job are much harder than the same hours of work at the old job. Your brain needs to do way more in those hours than before.

I'm not sure whether you could take a week off work... But perhaps you could propose to your girlfriend to have a lazy weekend next weekend? Visiting a spa comes to my mind as well, that environment is meant to be relaxing...

I also notice that I get stressed when I make long hours for a longer period of time. And the stress doesn't wear off immediately once the busy period has passed. It really needs some time.

[m741]

June Update

Finances
This is gonna be a pretty short update. I again didn't keep track of expenses this month - but I think they were less than the last few months (no huge expenses). I'll be tracking for July.

As far as dividends go, I wasn't as aggressive investing as I should be, and only boosted expected monthly dividends by $30/month. I've doubled my automatic investment from $1k/week to $2k/week. I was doing that 1k/week erratically anyway, and it's better to just make it automatic.

As far as good news goes, this was far and away my best dividend month, with $1236 in dividends, mostly due to mutual funds paying out. In fact, it would have been a low month except for those funds. $1200 is pretty exciting, because it's 2/3 of my super-budget level expenses.

A rough estimate of dividend bumps until my monthly dividends are equivalent to my current expenses gives me about 20 months at my current rate of investment. Of course, that's all controlled by how aggressive or passive I choose to be.

Job

As I alluded to in my previous post, I was feeling a fair amount of stress on the job from a variety of sources. I've been able to decompress a bit, and feel better. I'm still woozy and maybe operating at 60-70%, but I think it's a good sign. I'm taking it easy until the long 4th of July weekend is over.

I'm beginning to wonder whether I'm learning as much as I hoped, though. I've certainly learned a lot, but I haven't really been learning *how* to think more efficiently. There's certainly higher benchmarks at this job, and the overall quality of employee is far more than in my last job. But I think to some extent, I'd be able to teach myself faster, I just don't have the energy after work. (On the other hand, I might not have the discipline to do *anything* on my own, so I could just as easily learn nothing).

I was talking to a fellow financial-industry refugee who started at the same time as me, and I'd completely forgotten to check up on my stock options, which are due to vest in November. They're really extensive, and thus I ought to be able to keep up my current rate of dividend increases for the foreseeable future. A huge tranche of options vest in November, and then a smaller but still substantial part vest each month afterwards. It's a much nicer system than annual bonuses.

Other

I'm still seeing the gf all weekend and one other day per week. I'm enjoying myself, and time is flying... faster than I've ever perceived it moving before. It's scary and it does make me look forward to being comfortable enough with my situation to retire, kick back, and move at my own pace. Soon enough, I suppose. I'm looking at 26-28 months (ie, a total of 3 years at the current job).

[Tyler9000]

3. I have a lot of difficulty moderating my work. I worked a lot harder for part of those 2-3 months than I needed to. And now that I have less to do, I feel stressed about that!

As I've grown older, it has also become harder for me to ramp down from persistent work-related stress. In retrospect, I may not have ever been that good at ramping down anyway but my enthusiasm for the work blinded me from my symptoms (I used to have horrible chronic neck pain that I only now recognize as anxiety-driven). Stress hormones don't disappear overnight.

These days, I also have a difficult time building my effort back up to the level my employer would probably like at times. But avoiding the rollercoaster seems to have helped my health.

[m741]

I've noticed recently these sort of weird rationalizations about expenses. If you've been following my journal, you may have noticed that I'm seeing savings jump by about $9k/month - mostly due to market returns. Which is pretty much insane.

Anyway, when you see these monthly returns, and you're seeing a lot of your monthly expenses start to be covered by passive income, it's easy to start looking at a lot of things as semi-rational.

So for instance, I saw a little news update on the subway the other day, that someone was auctioning off the hoverboard prop from Back to the Future for $17-$23k (at least, that was the expected price). It's just a piece of wood, but my thought was "Hey, that's really not all that expensive - just 2 months of expenses." If I were totally obsessed with the movie, I could work for two months and own this rather significant chunk of film history.

This is madness, and I'd never do that... but it makes me wonder how my opinions on fiscal matters are changing.

---

At work, I continue to stumble around in a daze (figuratively). I go through the motions, and do competent work, but I feel no desire to operate at 100%. I'm putting forth maybe 60% effort. I can attribute this to a few things. First, I feel a lack of ownership. There's a pretty high level of scrutiny for code, and this undercuts a lot of responsibility I feel. Code reviews are great and all, but at the same time, I have to go talk to whoever will review something when I, for instance, decide whether to break JUnit tests into three separate test functions vs one function. It seems almost certain that the reviewer will somehow have the opposite preference to what I do.

So it frequently feels like all the code I'm writing is really being written by the reviewer and I'm just doing the typing.

I'd also gone into the job with the expectation that I'd learn something. And I have learned bits and pieces, little hints, and, particularly, seen what a sane organization looks like. And there's far more opportunities than previously (notably, writing in Java rather than a proprietary language). But I'm not learning a lot of the deeper things I wanted to focus on, and I don't have the energy after work to learn them, either. For instance, I'd like to write a compiler, learn Haskell/Lisp, try RxJS, do Arduino programming, hack together some different websites, build game AI, etc. I know where to start but don't have the energy after work to do any of it.

I'm also sad, because I think I would have ended up as a much better developer if I'd started out at this company, rather than wasting my energy and enthusiasm. There's a much more direct relationship between good development and advancement - one that isn't clouded by constant politics - and I no longer feel like I'm a developer who's really passionate about what they do, and consequently feel less likely to advance. There's more really smart developers to learn from, as well, and a larger variety of problems to solve.

Maybe this is just a local minima - and if I can summon a bit more energy to push over the hill I'll gain some responsibility and be the one doing the reviewing, and maybe then it'll all work out. But it's tough to tell from where I'm at.

[Chris]

Re: work..... I feel ya bro. I'm also on a project with strict code review for every change. It's a well-designed process and helps keep code quality up, but at the same time, it's a drag if you just want to get things done. And completion is essential for motivation, at least for me. I switched to this project to work in a more fun programming language and hopefully get myself back into a state when I had more enthusiasm (like when I first started programming). But after the honeymoon period, I've again found myself in a place where I'm not fully committed. I know how to get by at ~70% effort. It's definitely better than before, but still below potential.

So for me, my solution is joining a startup. My hope is that taking away the certainty of the next paycheck will be motivating. And without enough people to map one-to-one to all the things to be done, I'll have a chance to learn a lot of technologies. Regardless of the company's success or failure, it'll be an experience. I'm not suggesting you do the same, just letting you know that I am experimenting with a solution to a similar situation (-:

[mxlr650]

I'd also gone into the job with the expectation that I'd learn something. And I have learned bits and pieces, little hints, and, particularly, seen what a sane organization looks like. And there's far more opportunities than previously (notably, writing in Java rather than a proprietary language). But I'm not learning a lot of the deeper things I wanted to focus on

Is your company in a market segment that is growing? Are there projects in pipeline? Have you hung out with people who have been there long enough to tell you the history of the products, decisions, etc? If you establish yourself, there are good chances they would love to hand you good projects. Not sure how long you have been at your job, but one year is around when things should start looking up.

Larger the company, longer it takes to establish yourself. If you do not have patience for that, head for startup, however you will be executing on founder's agenda, and a start-up with no software discipline sounds great at first, but the dark side of that is you spend cycles on needless chaos and changing requirements to win THAT deal to keep the lights on (and you will learn a ton on what NOT to do). Very rarely you will learn how to build a large scale system if that’s what you are after. At a start-up, you are expected to perform the day you show up, with no organic growth till the company succeeds.

Successful and bright people that I have worked with (and am aware of) are really good with people -- something this forum rationalizes away. I am stating this to just emphasize the fact of life for most corporations (small or big) or even non-profits.

I wish you good luck!

[jacob]

@m741 - Less bureaucracy can be found in smaller companies with fewer established procedures. However, these things tend to come with more more "hats". You'll end up with more different responsibilities.

[m741]

@all - Well, great minds think alike. I've been thinking (almost since starting at the current job), that when I next change jobs, it would be great to go to some kind of startup. I've been at two very large companies (25k or more employees) so far in my career. I'd probably take an extended break, maybe do some woodshedding...

The startup idea is looking more and more attractive. It's not that I want to quit right now, but the lack of agency in day-to-day tasks makes me less than enthusiastic about my long-term prospects at the company.

I think my ideal next company would be small, tech-focused, with a definite niche. I have no interest in a "startup" that seeks to be bought out by a tech giant, or to become the next Twitter - just one that's identified a lucrative area where it's established a moat, and where it can dominate. Probably on the west coast (PNW) in a lower cost-of-living area. Alternately, starting my own company making phone apps or something similar (or consulting?).

I have no problem with different responsibilities, and in fact would enjoy the variety in daily tasks. I just want to 'own' something and make decisions for how to improve it.

[spoonman]

At work, I continue to stumble around in a daze (figuratively). I go through the motions, and do competent work, but I feel no desire to operate at 100%. I'm putting forth maybe 60% effort.

Man, do I identify with this.

I'm finding that a great deal of the so-called work that goes on in our company consists of just turning a crank.

I think a smaller company with a start-up atmosphere would suit you very well.

[mxlr650]

Alternately, starting my own company making phone apps or something similar (or consulting?)

Work on your own start-up. You will gain tons of insight and street cred.
Consulting? I would say own a company placing consultants – that way you are a pimp rather than a ..
Its passive income too - aligns with ERE

[m741]

July, 2014 Update

Finances were mediocre this month. The market got slammed over the past week, and I'm starting to be fairly significantly invested so I saw a large drop from that. So I ended up only increasing my net worth by $2k this month, a step back from previous months.

I did track my expenses this month, and they totalled $2468, roughly in line with my previous expenses. They were inflated from trips to Boston and Coney Island, which collectively cost me about $300-350. It was worth it, but I do want to cut back overall. Maybe September/October, as I do have some high anticipated expenses planned for this month (in the form of a fun birthday gift for the gf).

On the plus side, I raised my anticipated monthly dividend income by about $50; this is the first time it's been over $1k/month. This is my low month in dividends. I have a three month cycle where the low month is about 50% of a high month, and there's an in between that's maybe 20% higher than the low month. But the fun part is that, looking back 2 cycles, the low month is higher than the medium month. So I'm seeing steady growth.

Other
Outside finances, I did some local travel and otherwise was mostly working. There's been a series of work events that have broken up work weeks, and I haven't been able to maintain a rhythm.

The past few weeks, I've been working on a relatively isolated project with someone who's pretty relaxed about code, so I haven't been as frantic as before.

As I think about what makes me least happy about the current job, it's the lack of agency. In the previous job, I had a lot of freedom when writing code, and also when designing program interfaces and so forth. I could conceive of something and execute it, because the teams were 2-3 people. Now I'm on a 25 person team. I don't have any freedom with UI or feature decisions, and the code I write is pureed into a mist by the review process.

I don't object to this - I understand it's necessary for a large company. But it's not a whole lot of fun for me. I'm looking forward to working in an environment where I can really identify priorities, put plans in motion, and execute.

I'm still thinking about my plans over the next five years or so. I'm more confident than ever that it's the right move for me. The idea being, to leave after spending a total of three years at the current company, do some form of slow travel for a year or two - while working on some personal projects - and then settle down somewhere amenable to a lifestyle I want to live, probably in the PNW.