Tips for toddlers?

[bostonimproper]

As baby nears the one year mark, I’m starting to think about what it means to take care of a toddler.

So for those who’ve raised little people to pre-school age, I ask you:
- Any tips for “successful” toddler raising?
- What things, if you could go back, would you do differently?
- What memories from this period do you remember most fondly / being the most fun for you and the little one? (e.g. activities, trips, family rituals, etc.)

[jacob]

As for toddler-age memories, I only have one confirmed one. I was playing with a Lego set (the "police station") sitting under the table which according to my parents happened when my sister was baptized (so age 2.5 or so). Otherwise that period has been entirely forgotten (e.g. where we lived, what anyone looked like, ...). There are some psych-brain theories that memories might not even be rememberable in the first place due to the ego (and its personal narrative) not being formed yet. IOW, while we might have memories, they're stored in a format that the subsequent mind/ego can not access.

I've never bothered to ask whether my parents enjoyed any trips or rituals when I was that age. Apparently, I was taken one trip that they remember but I do not.

I'd focus on fundamentals such as potty training and the ability to speak in complete sentences. Not really something post-toddlers enjoy struggling with. Probably also abstaining from posting cute/embarrassing pictures on social media. Hard as that may be, I suspect some families have a ticking time bomb once children grow sufficiently old to realize what their parents have published.

[theanimal]

Bill Plotkin’s Nature and the Human Soul has a lot to say regarding developing into a soul-centric human. He explores each stage of human development and has rituals, actions and thoughts regarding each phase. The following are some of my highlights from the chapter on early childhood. Apologies for the photos, I don’t know how to export text from Hoopla.







ET refers to “Entitlement training”

[Hristo Botev]

+1 on the potty training. DD was potty trained at daycare by a beloved daycare worker who made it her mission to check that box for every kid that came through her class. DS, however, went to a different daycare at potty training age and it wasn't going to get done there, so I took 2 days off of work and did the potty training strategy where you make a big deal of getting rid of all those hundreds of dollars of diapers, getting big boy underwear, and then you don't let the kid out of your sight for 3 days so that as soon as he starts to pee who scoop him up and sprint to the bathroom, until he figures it out himself and learns to recognize when the urge is coming and what to do about it (it doesn't take 3 days).

Crazy as it might sound, I remember just about everything from that 3-day period; it was wonderful. At that age the idea of having dad's 100% attention for such an extended period of time means everything. It was a great time and although I'm sure DS doesn't have any specific memories, I have no doubt it formed a solid foundation for our toddler into child relationship.

Speaking of which, I think any big trips would have been mostly wasted at that age; even going to the beach was kind of more hassle than it was worth. Seems to me that what the kid really wants at that age is parents' undivided attention, and the setting as to where that attention happens is kind of irrelevant. Easier said than done, of course. But I suspect my kids got more out of playing in the backyard with dad or of dad taking them to the crappy jump park in the dilapidated mall because mom had a weekend shift at the hospital to cover as they did going on trips or doing any activities that involved any real logistics.

Speaking of daycare, I've said this elsewhere, but speaking only for me and DW, if we had to do it over again we would not have done daycare for either of our kids.

[7Wannabe5]

When my children were toddlers, I was pretty young myself, very broke-azz/frugal, and I was also home with them most of the time. So, most of our activities were pretty simple. I tried to keep them engaged and happy, but it was more that I made play opportunities available for them than that I played with them. For instance, one of my DS35s favorite activities was standing on his little stool and "washing" the dishes in the sink I prepared for him with bubbles. We lived in married student housing centered around a playground, and he would take his little yellow chair out on the grass and watch the construction machines working off the parking lot. My DD32 was always singing to herself, and she had very nimble little fingers, so she always loved craft activities, so I would make her batches of homemade play-dough and keep her supplied with beads and such. The two of them would engage in imaginative play on their own much of the day. I always kept a box full of costume dress-up supplies and they had a little tape deck for their music. I would load them into a red wagon and pull them down to the city park and maybe we would go to the library to get some books or the food-co-op. Sometimes we didn't have a television, sometimes we did. When we had a television, both of them went through a phase in which they adored the Teenage Ninja Turtles. They had two sets of relatively young grandparents who indulged them terribly, so I rarely bought them treats or toys or even clothing. However, this was the era when big coffee cafes were just getting started, and I would sometimes want to indulge myself, so I convinced them that the least expensive thing on the menu, which was donuts with sprinkles "Party Donuts!!!" was the greatest treat in the world, and that is still one of our family jokes.

[Jean]

I recomend you don't help them too much with standing and climbing on things. They learn a lot by doing, and helping might cause them to skip some important step.

[jennypenny]

Here's good parent advice ... teach them how to use the potty, self-soothe, develop AM and PM routines, and keep track of their own stuff (get them a pack to carry their own stuff -- like pacifier, sippy cup, favorite toy, whatever -- and do it even in the house so you're not always the one looking for everything and picking stuff up).

Now my advice ...
While I agree that toddlers won't remember much of what you do, I still think travel is good. It's not about what they see, it's about learning how to travel. Since DH traveled a lot for work, we tagged along much of the time. My kids learned early on how to sleep anywhere, not be afraid of strange noises, not mind the weather, eat whatever was available and wherever we could find a spot, etc. Kids learn how to be comfortably uncomfortable if you take them places early and often.

On that note, resist the urge to make them safe and comfortable all the time. Keep them away from big dangers but not too far. I had friends who wouldn't let their kids play in the front yard because they might run in the street. My feeling is that if they always play in a fenced area, they never learn how to avoid danger themselves. Play in the front yard with them and teach them what's not safe. Same with the beaches, cities, trails, etc. I don't know how kids learn anything when they're kept in hermetically sealed safety bubbles and spend all day in a fenced yard/stroller/bouncer/play pen/lap.

They also won't be very tired at night if they've spent all day in age-appropriate spaces. Take them out, get them dirty, make them walk, carry their own stuff (even toddlers can carry a backpack with their snacks and a book), dress themselves (who cares how they look), wash themselves, and start to 'own' their own spaces by setting their bed and lighting. We put their crib mattresses on the floor by age 1 with a kid's light thing from fisher price and let them have some control over their space (left the door open but gated it). Sure, we found them asleep on the floor sometimes but who cares? They were sleeping ... mission accomplished.

[Henry]

- What things, if you could go back, would you do differently?

I would tell all the idiot adult motherfuckers surrounding me to stop with the peek-a-boo and Itsy Bitsy Spider bullshit and open an investment account with my name on it so I can retire at 18. I can learn that other shit later in life.

[bostonimproper]

I’m surprised by the number of suggestions to potty train. Is this a generational thing? I’ve always assumed that would be a thing we’d do. I’ve heard of kids not taking well to it or having accidents, but not of parents not attempting it during toddlerhood.

[Frita]

Typically toddlers are 1 to 3 years old. For whatever reason, changing diapers (and buying them) gets old. My two cents, when they are ready, they’ll practically train themselves. I had twins who potty trained at different times: DS at age 2, DD at age 4. Nighttime control happens/ed a bit later. No diaper shaming here, though reinforcement via singing is fun and highly encouraged. (I loved making up silly songs.)

Biggest mistake: Swim diapers. They simply contain solids, no all-in-one capacity.

A couple toddler memories: DS putting a small bowl on his hand and saying, “mitten.” DD’s first word was “poop.”

Best advice: Teach kids to create a wishlist for things they want. Sidestep store tantrums because “it’s on the list.” Consult it when asking for gift. Use it to choose activities. Choices, choices, choices. Start frontloading agency now.

[white belt]

Instead of getting your toddler one of the typical trikes/tricycles, get them a balance bike. Then, when your toddler is ready you can get them a regular bicycle and skip the training wheels all together. There are videos of 2 and 3 year olds riding bicycles with no training wheels, so it’s very achievable if you start with a balance bike. You might even be able to just get them a regular bike from the start and take the pedals off, although toddlers grow fast enough that maybe they would outgrow it too quickly. I know there are balance bikes with a hand brake so the toddler can learn how to slow down with braking rather than just putting their feet on the ground.

[Hristo Botev]

Goodness, this thread is giving me the opportunity to think back on some great times. I envy what you have coming; the toddler years are wonderful, but so are all the years you get to spend with your kiddos.

[fingeek]

These are the things I'd tell myself:

* Sleep gets better. Everything else gets harder lol
* Four parenting styles: Authoritative
* Baby-lead weaning
* Forecast yourself when they are 5yr+, looking back, and possibly regretting not spending enough time (you'll never spend enough time!) then work back from there. Great exercise to do with anything too!
* Note that due to childhood amnesia, they likely won't remember the vast majority of what you do. Though you are shaping their personality as it starts to emerge. This also suggests that considering your own memories might not be as fruitful as you'd like
* Do potty training only when they're ready for it. Too early will frustrate them and hold them back. Know that it's a process that will take months, and regressions are normal
* A fixed bedtime worked really well for us (possibly more for me), and helped with a good sleep pattern. Now we're 5yrs in, an occasional late night is fine
* Let them fail so that failure doesn't turn into something to be avoided. Just keep things safe
* Talk to them with normal words not baby ones. Don't let them talk with a dummy/pacifier. We opted for no dummy
* People will give you all sorts of opinions. Parenting style and research has changed a lot over the years, so take these all with a pinch of salt. This is my opinion of course

Great to ask these questions - Good luck and enjoy:)

[7Wannabe5]

My post above made this phase sound a bit idyllic. I also remember how when my son was 3 and my daughter was 1, he would open the refrigerator for her, and she would take out an egg and drop it on the floor, and they would laugh and laugh and laugh. Until I managed to child-proof it with a bungee cord.

The amount of cultural capital already passed down to the young children of educated, engaged parents purely by osmosis by the time they enter kindergarten is immense. I attended a university that had an admissions policy based heavily on SAT scores. At one gathering, the topic of learning to read came up, and a large group of us realized that our pre-school libraries had almost all been stocked with the same collection of titles. Compare and contrast with a survey of the disadvantaged kids I tutor. How many books did you read over the summer? 0. Do you have your own books at home? No. My point here being that if you and your spouse are not currently incarcerated, working nights and leaving toddler in care of 7 year old, beating on each other in front of child, and/or addicted to hard drugs, you will probably be good enough parents through the early years.

[ffj]

Those years are fairly simple although at the time it may not seem so easy. They are going to want a massive amount of attention from you so be prepared and have fun with it. Release your inner child and live in the moment. You'll actually become quite nostalgic about this time later because your kids think you've hung the moon. This changes around 13 or so, haha.

Any other advice is just common sense: feed them good food, maintain consistency in rising/going to bed, read to them, play with them, and don't be heavy-handed with formal lessons on anything as almost anything that you'll worry about will come naturally at some point, whether it's them speaking, potty training, walking, whatever.

[suomalainen]

- Any tips for “successful” toddler raising?

Define successful. My definition was basically "keep them alive".

- What things, if you could go back, would you do differently?

Other than not create them, nothing. You do your best (including learning and adjusting) and that's all you can do. There's no point regretting because you couldn't have done any better anyway (assuming you were trying).

- What memories from this period do you remember most fondly / being the most fun for you and the little one? (e.g. activities, trips, family rituals, etc.)

I don't have many, if any, memories that aren't triggered by a picture or similar. Maybe that's an argument for taking pictures. Maybe it's an argument for living in the moment. Either way, my one big piece of advice is that it doesn't really matter (for them) what you do. Their genetics will trump any "training" you try to do that goes against their genetics. However, the training that will stick is the training of how you approach them. So if you want to be a certain kind of mom/dad when they are adults or teenagers or tweens or kids, start now. Be kind, be firm, be funny, be silly, be attentive, be independent, whatever it is, you need to start building the attitudes and routines that you'll carry forward in your interactions with them for decades to come. It's far too easy to treat them like babies ... and never stop treating them like babies.

edit: +1 on the read to them. Probably the single best activity you can do to knock out several values in one go - building close relationships, teaching them a skill (reading), teaching them that learning is a value, etc.

[Laura Ingalls]

Ffj nailed it pretty good

Also often I think people negotiate too much with toddlers. Often I see people with toddlers and think “too much talking” or “don’t negotiate with terrorists” when the behavior is not prosocial.

I don’t mean be a tyrant/ass who always does it our way. Just don’t make everything open to a 10 minute discussion.

[Biscuits and Gravy]

As someone who recently exited the "raising two toddlers" stage and royally fucked it up, I feel primed to answer this.

Tips for "successful" raising
1) As Laura Ingalls said, do not negotiate with them. They're looking to you for direction, stability, and comfort as they navigate a totally fucked up and ever-expanding universe. Don't disappoint them. Be the authority. (I fucked this up. I negotiated. I gave options. I caved. I deferred. They now think they know better than me.)
2) Their needs are simple at this stage: direction, stability, and comfort. (I fucked this up. I got divorced. I possess a spastic moral compass. I am fucking awesome at comforting though, so now they're both pu**ies.) (I would like to insert an argument about what "stability" is here just to mollify myself, but I won't. I'll fucking own that I fucked this up.)
3) Read to them. (The one thing, other than prevention of loss of limbs, that I didn't fuck up. Every night, right before bed, it lights a fire. I've often comforted myself about my shitty parenting with the thought that, well, at least they'll be readers, and they'll learn everything they really need to know from that trait.)
4) Give them as long of a leash as you're comfortable with and let them fail.

What I would have done differently
1) I would have been easier on myself. It's impossible to see that this is a relatively easy stage, but it is.
2) Daycare, not daycare, fuck I don't know. I would've let go of any of that fucking guilt.
3) I would have accepted more help.
4) I rubber-banded from my parents' midwestern, military parenting into a... "kinder, gentler" form of parenting and I would have been more intentional there. I'm glad I didn't use corporal punishment, but I should have been more commanding and demanding. (See above, pu**ies.)

Fondest Memories
1) Ah, honestly, and I know you and the Mr. don't want another kid, but seeing my kids interact with each other is the fucking best. Trumps every other memory. My kids were in daycare together until my daughter went to kindergarten and that first day when my daughter and I picked my son up from pre-k and they rushed to each other and hugged one another was so sweet. They bicker and fight and play and love each other and it's so much harder with more than one kid, but I think having two kids back-to-back was the best thing my ex and I did.
2) I absolutely hate the effort of flying, beach vacations, camping, etc. with this age, but... at least at 4 and 6, those trips did make an impression. If you've got the energy and wherewithal, I guess do them, but don't do them to your and your marriage's detriment.
3) Reading at night, in our jammies and snuggled up together, is a lovely, powerful, everyday memory, and that is what I would encourage you to do. A lot of the other stuff is noise.

You're doing just fine. Accept help. Take care of yourself. Take a few pictures (but not a shitload) and just read to them.

ETA: I reread this, and I think the “let them fail” advice deserves more exposition. If and when they fail they learn (and internalize) that: (1) they are not infallible; (2) the world is hard; (3) they can survive (even without their parents); and hopefully (4) they can do hard things.

[Salathor]

Be loving. Be firm--you're the boss, not them. Never give in to a tantrum, but explain your reasoning calmly even if they don't understand it (this is good for older kids too). When your kids are older, be willing to change your mind if you can't articulate why you are making a particular rule. Don't let your kids watch TV before bedtime. Literally every kid I know who watches TV right before bed also gets melatonin pills because "they can't sleep well without it."

[chenda]

Literally every kid I know who watches TV right before bed also gets melatonin pills because "they can't sleep well without it."

And adults too.