3 yrs to FI: ertyu's journal

[7Wannabe5]

The field is very important. When I was in my 30s, I knew quite a few humans who moved back and forth from Michigan to Colorado for economic reasons. All of them, no matter where they usually fell on the relatively fit/chubby/agency spectrum, lost weight while in Colorado, then gained it back in Michigan, lost it again in Colorado, etc.

[jacob]

I walk in a lot of different places and have made some observations about "the environment".

In a place like Chicago with good public transportation (parking is a hassle, so not having a car or at least not driving it is normal), pedestrian speed is inversely proportional to distance from the "loop" (center). Natives (not tourists) walking around near the loop move 3.8-4mph, but this drops to the standard 2.8-3mph about 2 miles out. Further out, very few walks further than their garage.

Different US states display very different body types. This is really weird to me because it often becomes apparent as soon as the state border is crossed. For example, in Wisconsin (Madison, which is quite hilly, maybe 700 milliSF) most fall within a BMI band of, say, 21-25 with outliers being 40+. People are either "weight-height"-proportional or approximately spherical, nothing in between. Whereas in New York, BMI concentrates around 30-35 with few outliers.

Personally living in a flat area, spending a week in a hilly place like Madison, Port Washington or SF is exhausting, but then the body adjusts. It would probably be wise to grow old in an area that requires some "hill climbing". The only concern is of course that my observation might be subject to selection bias. Perhaps the population I don't see never leaves the house, getting everything delivered, because the environment constrains their activities.

[Scott 2]

I agree with the effect environment has on one's function. And the power it has to evoke change. But there's also a dark side to the strategy.

The stimulus that causes change, can make daily life suck. The question has to be - fitness for what? Why am I doing this to myself? A few quick examples I've personally discarded:

Leaving the air conditioning off
Cold showers
Using a bike instead of a car
Sleeping on a simple bed
Settling for safe enough shelter

Sometimes luxuries are unnecessary hedonic adaptation. Other times - they are legitimately better. The weakness introduced is worth one's daily existence in the environment. The bounds are very personal. They change over time.

Maybe the mall closes, and the option for that daily treat is never available again. The time leaning into it becomes a cherished memory. How great you didn't miss the opportunity.

Coming back to your IT thing, I bet she's quite happy with the trip. Her life path might not carry the cumulative physical capacity of ertyu. But it could still be the right one for her. There's nothing to judge or change. Just celebrate her experience as it is.

[jacob]

There's nothing to judge or change. Just celebrate her experience as it is.

I still struggle with reaching that point of acceptance. This is a generic issue regardless of which kind of "capital" we're talking about. It goes along with what @Dave was saying above in that "if the difference in capital is large, there's a lot of things we can't enjoy together". It's difficult to decide whether that's a "me-problem" or a "you-problem", but it's definitely an "us-problem".

Trying to solving this problem without changing something is a trilemma. Therein lies the problem.

People commonly want to preserve the "us" and therefore want either "me" or "you" to change (perhaps as an unspoken contract). However, the alternative solution is to sacrifice "us" for the given activity: "We" will simply choose not to do this together rather than expecting one party to "catch up" or the other party to "slow down".

In general, the problem is rendered worse by the ERE focus on always increasing capital which means that in many cases, the hypercompetent is capable of experiencing a "bigger" world than the random person. This in turn means accepting a "lesser experience" for a compromise that includes both/everyone. Indeed, the difference in capital may be so large that there's no overlap.

[Frita]

I still struggle with reaching that point of acceptance.

Could this be part of the J?

As an eNXP (now, historically ENTP), I have found myself accepting to the point of tolerance of the intolerable. (My spouse is an ISTP with the opposite issue.). I have had to learn and continue working toward more clear cut boundaries. Sometimes accepting someone else or a situation is letting go as unworkable. I also have discovered that moving slowly helps to “right size” before moving into that problem range which ironically brings more peace as things are.

[Scott 2]

the difference in capital may be so large that there's no overlap.

Agreed - there might not be an us. I don't see that as something to force. Likely the other person is enjoying other forms of capital, that I cannot appreciate. Good on them. May we all find relationships that serve us.

[jacob]

Could this be part of the J?

I don't think it's J alone, more like a combo. I tend to project my desire for efficiency and efficacy [of a better system] onto people I care about. Intellectually, I can accept that not everybody has the same priorities and some priorities may be far from mine. I only have to compare my desire to build and maintain social capital with the norm of humanity. Emotionally, this is more difficult because from my vantage point, it looks like many, individuals, people, society is deliberately if slowly self-destructing.

Sometimes accepting someone else or a situation is letting go as unworkable.

"It is what it is", "Not my circus, not my monkeys", "Live and let live/die", "Plus ca change" ... the way I care---my love-language, so to speak---is that I fix problems and improve things. If this is no longer possible, I tend to abandon and "wash my hands off of the person". Obviously, there are other love-languages, but adopting another one would feel like inauthentic pretending.

As such, my solution to the trilemma has been to sacrifice the "us"-position or "you"-position, rather than the "me"-position. IOW, my willingness to "us" comes with conditions for "me". I note that many have no issues or not even really a sense of their "me". They'll change according to who they're with ... essentially sacrificing their ego for the other or the group w/o even noticing it---they instantly become the average of the 5 people they're with.

[Frita]

Always choosing the “me” plus either “you” or “us” seems the skillful/healthy default. The difference in second option selection is workable differences versus dealbreakers. I would view disengaging as choosing “you” to be whatever, even a self-districting mess taking little- to no-personal responsibility (based on observation).

The completion of the acceptance piece is cognitive and emotional. For me, the intellectual piece was easier than emotionally unsticking. There is a felt sense of not being able to fix, control, or change. Perhaps there is also a spiritual element as there is some peaceful space.

@ertyu
Ugh, I apologize for hijacking your journal. (I need to comment on my own dang journal!) It seems like you have shifted into a more content phase of your life. Good for you setting boundaries of no advice for certain topics.

[7Wannabe5]

the way I care---my love-language, so to speak---is that I fix problems and improve things. If this is no longer possible, I tend to abandon and "wash my hands off of the person". Obviously, there are other love-languages, but adopting another one would feel like inauthentic pretending.

This is not a love-language. This (FIX or KILL dichotomy) is just a garden variety form of relationship dysfunction for those who tend towards being "locked" in their adult masculine energy. Thus, for eNtP females, such as Frita and myself, who tend more towards being "swamped" or "bloated" in adult feminine energy, and/or irrationally exhuberant in juvenile masculine energy, the same behavior might be towards more functional behavior. Just like how a bit of compulsivity can sometimes help with impulsivity.

Your love languages are how you express love and also how you prefer to experience it. I HIGHLY doubt that you feel loved when others attempt to "fix" your behavior or control your environment. Much more likely that your love languages would be Acts of Service and Quality Time, with heavy emphasis on the Quality. At higher level of functioning, love languages can be transmuted. For instance, if I have a partner whose love language is Gifts, I can do something that feels like an Act of Service for me to produce a Gift for him, like knit a scarf in alignment with his preferences.

Anyways, it's one of those things that we have to process in wave-spiral form as we progress in maturity, but I am currently very much in a new phase where I believe that I can productively help other people and vice-versa.

[Lemur]

Tbh….confused what “internet thing” is? An alter-ego of sorts? An actual friend you traveled with? Feel dumb asking this ertyu, I read your post like multiple times.

[mathiverse]

"Internet thing" is a moniker for ertyu's long distance, romantic partner who ertyu went on the trip to Japan with.

[Lemur]

Thanks for clearing that up!

[Henry]

Technically speaking, I think its "internet thang."

[ertyu]

The second part of my thoughts about my trip to Japan has to do with thoughts I've had about myself. Probably the biggest and most central conclusion is that I have discovered that sugar baby arrangements, purchasing sex work, or in general being in a relationship with an unequal partner is not for me.**

**mandatory disclaimer: this is not a universal statement about sex work, sugaring, getting a "tradwife," or whatever. This post entirely focuses on what is right FOR ME as an individual person.

I took the major financial burden of the trip - the invitation was mine and it was made with the clear understanding on my part that I will be responsible for paying. Not only did I pay, I got a nicer hotel than i would have for just myself etc. While this was a deliberate choice on my part, I found that it impacted the relationship dynamic between me and IT in undesirable to me ways. Instead of having an equal partner with whom I'd discuss things, I got a nice, meek, agreeable person who did not once voice any real disagreements or thoughts they had about any given situation, or about any given thoughts of mine. It seemed like trained into IT was this desire not to rock the boat. Nice if what you want is to have your ego reflected back at you, not nice if what you're looking for is to genuinely get to know another person and connect intimately to who they really are. I found myself missing the kinds of conversations we could have had as equals. We were in one place physically, but there was still no openness, honesty, or authentic connection.

IT lives with IT's parents to save money and I found that probably due to this, IT is very much into a habit of being ... I don't even think "parented" would be the right word, "mommed" might be a better one. IT very easily fell into a role of switching IT's brain off and passing over agency and authority to the older, financially more powerful part of the outfit. I do believe this is a trained behavior - both IT and I were to a certain extent on our best behavior and I think part of it is that this is what "best behavior" looks like to IT in a age + financially unequal situation (I am also more experienced when it comes to international travel, etc). Regardless of the reasons, I found the relational outcome profoundly unsatisfying compared to my hopes.

In spite of this disappointment, I don't regret the trip as it allowed me to learn a lot about myself and to let go of castles in the sky i'd built in my head. In other words, IT and I are right-for-now: our interactions such as they are are beneficial to both of us (or we wouldn't continue to have them) but while I haven't discussed this with IT, I don't see long-term potential beyond the prolongation of the status quo - not a bad outcome in and of itself. We are certainly not headed for a traditionally monogamous, exclusive "us" in meatspace (even if we were to physically live together one day, I don't think monogamy would be the best solution for us; I am both less sexual and less kinky than IT so having me as an exclusive partner would be limiting). We could probably work out in a large metro area with a developed kinkster community where we could both participate, me more as a spectator, but neither IT nor I would be able to pull off "large metro area with developed kinkster community" financially. IT could probably find a job teaching english and live with me, but that isn't a sustainable future in terms of IT's long-term career hopes which are more art/creative in nature. So, the tl;dr is, we are right-for-now, and we end up where we end up.

Job Update

I work 2.5 days out of five: Monday morning, and all day Tuesday and Friday. I assume due to my status as a noob and a newcomer, I've been given the first and the last periods of the teaching day . Not an issue on my end, as I only teach 10 periods a week, 2 lecture classes and 8 practicum/"seminar" sessions. I also got a stand-up desk. Teaching begins September 22nd. There doesn't seem to be any expectation of keeping fixed office hours or being in the office except on an as-needed basis. Let's see how teaching goes. The main struggle, according to colleagues, is to get students to participate. Their grades depend entirely on submitted assignments and written work, and no one would engage more than they have to - which comes down to being a warm body in the room. Tbh, I'm not sure in their shoes I would've done anything different. I'm teaching their general "intro" required courses, too, so not anything professionally relevant that they need to do anything but pass.

Update: Instead of just moaning about it on the internet, I have put on my big girl panties and have communicated to IT that I would like IT to work on using IT's words to disagree with me openly and more often because not doing so causes me to feel a loss of connectedness. Now we wait and see if there will be results.

[7Wannabe5]

Meeting somebody in person after establishing a long-distance literary infatuation is always a high-risk endeavor. It sounds to me like things actually went reasonably well for you and IT. Having been in IT's position myself on occasion, I would suggest that her behavior might be less "training" and more reflexive to the power dynamic of the situation. Highly likely that you would have seen another side of her personality if you had met on her turf. Also, if she was actually a sugar baby, she likely would have exhibited more entitlement vs meekness.

OTOH, although it would be unexpected for her to take charge of the itinerary given the situation as you described it, some of her own purpose(s) and preferences should have manifested. For instance, I might vibe pretty "you pay, you say" on choice of restaurant, but I will be visiting the botanical garden, even if he would rather stay in the hotel room and play video games.

[ertyu]

Oh, yeah, it did go well, I'm just whining - mostly because I let things stew instead of communicating even though i keep insisting im an actual adult lol.

it would be unexpected for [IT] to take charge of the itinerary given the situation as you described it

nope i posited it as, "i pay, you plan" precisely because i wanted to avoid a "you pay, you say" dynamic. A bunch of this is just inexperience, too, on both our parts. We did reasonably well, considering. And yep, preferences did emerge. On my own devices, I'd have done way less "culture" and would have missed out. Similarly, IT wouldn't have walked nearly half as much, I bet

[Dave]

+1 to 7WB5 and it going reasonably well. I don't have experience in the matter, but I can imagine all sorts of challenges and issues with this sort of first-time meetup. Sounds like you guys handled it all pretty well.

Pretty much all healthy (long-term?) relationships involve discussions, challenges, working through issues, communicating preferences, learning about each other, and ultimately growing together. I'm not trying to impose any of that into your relationship here, but the sorts of issues you had in the context of the situation seem more than reasonable, as how you each handled them.

Cool to hear about the new gig, too!

[okumurahata]

@ertyu, I’d suggest letting IT have some time to feel more like herself (especially if she is living with her parents). You might find in the future that you are not compatible with her, but at the beginning, relationships and people aren’t entirely natural (you might have acted in a way that wasn’t entirely natural without realizing as well).

Having said that, you could also test somehow if she sees you as a sugar daddy, by observing her reaction when it comes to paying for a small item, like a bottle of water at the supermarket. If she expects you to cover everything, I’d reconsider the relationship.

Ultimately, it’s relatively straightforward to discern if someone has a genuine heart or if they’re trying to take advantage of you.

[ertyu]

Someone on my floor was cleaning out an apartment and I scored a tea kettle, a brewed coffee machine, a somewhat faded laundry basket, an area rug that needs washed, and a toaster oven. I'm happy. Very nice. Grilled potatoes in my future

I also paid 200 USD for a very involved prophylactic medical exam. Haven't had one in a while, figured I'm getting on in years and it might be nice. Appointment scheduled, haven't yet done the exam itself. If anything abnormal, shall let you guys know.

Meanwhile, I need to figure out what to do with my phone bill because I'm paying approx 25 USD/mo right now which is high even for western standards. Goal is $15 or so, let's see if that works.

Furthermore, got a kettlebell. Orange. It's judging me from a corner of the living room currently.

I'm also thinking of decluttering clothes. I made one pass last May, but after fasting off 10kg or so in IT's honor, there's more that can go, especially given the limited storage in my apartment. I was glad to discover that this job doesn't have a dress code per se as long as one is not unkempt and dresses within the rough bounds of normal - which means more can go. Nice.

[rref]

Furthermore, got a kettlebell. Orange. It's judging me from a corner of the living room currently.

Draw a face on it and pretend it becomes super-happy any time you pick it up.