My partner earns far more than me but wants me to pay a half share

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Seppia
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Joined: Tue Aug 30, 2016 9:34 am
Location: South Florida

Re: My partner earns far more than me but wants me to pay a half share

Post by Seppia »

Riggerjack wrote:
Mon Jul 10, 2017 7:33 pm
Once again, it falls on me to be different. When I met my wife, she had transitioned from long haul trucker to local courier, making decent, but less money than I. As is my habit, I then made this worse, by talking her into taking an entry level position where I work. The pay was so bad, she got an unscheduled raise when minimum wage went higher than she was getting paid...

So, we split the bills to match take home pay. My take home at that time was about 3x hers,so I covered a 75/25% split to start. As she got raises, we just transitioned to pooling funds, and spending as normal.

This allows all the pay from OT/call outs to go to the working partner, and no oppressive costs for the lower earner. Still not totally fair, but more fair. Now, she makes what i do, to the penny, and the funds are pooled. But when money is scarce, having it more scarce for one partner is adding stress where none needs to be.
This is what my wife and I were doing when we first moved to NYC from Europe.
I made a decent NYC salary, she made a decent Italian salary.
If we had split 50/50 she (very frugal person) would have been able to save very very little.
My wife offered to split 50/50, but I decided that we would pay rent (largest expense by a mile) based on income, and the rest of the bills 50/50
Now we moved back to italy, and even if there's still a difference in salary, we can both easily afford to pay most expenses 50/50 (I pay slightly more as I always pick up the bill the few times we eat out, most of the groceries etc) so that's what we do now.

My negativity about the article is that she DEMANDS/EXPECTS him to pay more, which is not the standard agreement.

To me, ithe issue is in the attidude

BRUTE
Posts: 3797
Joined: Sat Dec 26, 2015 5:20 pm

Re: My partner earns far more than me but wants me to pay a half share

Post by BRUTE »

does the fact that aforementioned human male hasn't paid down her debt potentially mean she is not marriage material?

slsdly
Posts: 380
Joined: Thu Mar 14, 2013 1:04 am

Re: My partner earns far more than me but wants me to pay a half share

Post by slsdly »

In Ontario, there is no automatic property division with a common-law partner in the event of a split. But we do have something called "unjust enrichment" from which one partner can extract resources from another -- there are a few conditions you have to fulfill, but with such asymmetric earning power, I could at least 1 and possibly all conditions being met.

Thus I would consider taking the unusual position of *myself* paying the *greater* of shared expenses relative to proportional earning power, and splitting 50-50. While I pay more no matter what, it is for very non-traditional reasons: it makes it more difficult to argue I was enriched materially as a result of my partner's contributions. Minimize risk to capital wrapped in a false gentleman's cloak?

batbatmanne
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Joined: Fri Sep 19, 2014 10:35 pm

Re: My partner earns far more than me but wants me to pay a half share

Post by batbatmanne »

It is not mentioned what sort of lifestyle the frugal boyfriend in the story lives, or what her lifestyle is. This is an extremely important factor imo. There is something to be said for the opportunity cost of the relationship that is nicely highlighted by 7W5's suggestion that her partner move into her camper and by Riggerjack's unequal expenses after his partner took a pay cut in order to move for the sake of their relationship. The idea of equality is all well and good, but if the partner with greater resources expects to go 50/50 on lifestyle costs that are inflated compared to what the partner with less would otherwise spend then it seems fair to expect some kind of subsidy on their part (if this difference in personal values is at all reconcilable with money). Actually, I'm not even positive that who has the greater assets is much of a determining factor in this regard above and beyond financial stability. In the case of the article, though, one partner has a nice little nest egg and a fairly established lifestyle while the other is in debt and has no savings whatsoever, and it's still not clear who has the higher lifestyle expenses/expectations and by how much. It's not hard to imagine that a partner who wishes to drive a slightly nicer car, live in a slightly nicer place, go to restaurants more frequently and/or take an annual trip might pay for some or all of the added expenses this would incur on the less interested or less well off partner. A lifestyle subsidy of this sort seems like it can work quite well. A relationship between a boglehead and a van dwelling EREer seems like a less amicable one unless the boglehead is willing to pay for everything with no expectations of financial reciprocation.

If the situation described in the article is reconcilable at all, they should sit down and work out a budget and life plan for her so that she can get out of debt and build up some emergency savings, and also so that she can establish a baseline lifestyle that they could use to work out a reasonable sum for her contribution to the shared living space. Rather than thinking about a ratio of expense sharing, it's probably better to think about how much she would pay for a similar arrangement (roommate in a similar size/place), should such an arrangement be a reasonable alternative for her. If she would live in an altogether different arrangement left to her own devices then perhaps he should sweeten the deal for her both as a lifestyle subsidy and as a gesture of good will.

7Wannabe5
Posts: 9372
Joined: Fri Oct 18, 2013 9:03 am

Re: My partner earns far more than me but wants me to pay a half share

Post by 7Wannabe5 »

batbatmane wrote:A relationship between a boglehead and a van dwelling EREer seems like a less amicable one unless the boglehead is willing to pay for everything with no expectations of financial reciprocation.
You might be surprised. I agree with you, but IME, having been in relationship with quite a few men who have much more money, and also higher lifestyle expenses/expectations than me, the boglehead will be willing to pay for everything. Of course, this is in part due to the fact that although I value frugal lifestyle, I also have been largely choosing to follow male-led relationship model in the 10 years since the dissolution of my sex-dead egalitarian marriage. So, the sort of thing that happens would be typified by the occasion on which a waitress became incensed with my BF on my behalf, because he requested only one menu, and ordered for both of us without even seeming to give my preferences a bit of consideration.

I never pursue men beyond the level of mild flirtation. I never offer them terms, and then try to negotiate a deal. So, they are always motivated to make offer of contract at level they believe to be fair and likely to find acceptance. Keeps their focus on the real competition (other men) and renders my relationships quite amicable and mutually beneficial. So, if I was the female being offered the 50/50 deal as above, I would only take it if it was less than or equal to other opportunities available in my current expense matrix, or I would attempt to fully recognize why I was willing to pay more just for the privilege of living with some grumpy old man. If I determined that I was motivated to pay for the privilege of having sex with some grumpy old man, then I would likely resign myself to gracious exit from the field entirely, and make do with sex life based on looping videos featuring close-ups on biceps of 1970s guitarists. MMV

slowtraveler
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Joined: Sun Jan 11, 2015 10:06 pm

Re: My partner earns far more than me but wants me to pay a half share

Post by slowtraveler »

I tend to split expenses 70-30 but 50-50 would make sense in many situations.

It's all about what they agreed upon but she is in debt so maybe it's a red flag.

Tyler9000
Posts: 1758
Joined: Fri Jun 01, 2012 11:45 pm

Re: My partner earns far more than me but wants me to pay a half share

Post by Tyler9000 »

Felipe wrote:
Mon Jul 17, 2017 1:34 pm
It's all about what they agreed upon but she is in debt so maybe it's a red flag.
Note that there's nothing agreed upon. An alternative headline to the exact same letter could easily be "I can't afford my current lifestyle and asked someone to bankroll me. He declined. How unfair!"

If anything, there seems to be some indication that she's pushing the issue of moving in and he's not really on board with the idea. Again, we're only getting one side of the story.

slowtraveler
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Joined: Sun Jan 11, 2015 10:06 pm

Re: My partner earns far more than me but wants me to pay a half share

Post by slowtraveler »

With nothing agreed upon, 50-50 is the default. She could, like many people, be trying to get a sponsor. Plenty of quality independent women these days so no need to put up with that. We don't know the whole story though.

Riggerjack
Posts: 3182
Joined: Thu Jul 14, 2011 3:09 am

Re: My partner earns far more than me but wants me to pay a half share

Post by Riggerjack »

We're getting one side of the story, sure. But what threw out alarm bells for me was the story. When she didn't get the resolution she wanted from her BF, she wrote to a newspaper, telling her story, looking for the the support of anonymous strangers to back her up. I can already hear: "anon 2212 thinks you're being selfish! And kimberlylittle424 says ..."

Money woes can be worked out. But if that is her idea of conflict resolution, she will be single often, but not often enough.this is supposed to be a relationship, not an election of class treasurer.

Or maybe that's just my issue.

Riggerjack
Posts: 3182
Joined: Thu Jul 14, 2011 3:09 am

Re: My partner earns far more than me but wants me to pay a half share

Post by Riggerjack »

make do with sex life based on looping videos featuring close-ups on biceps of 1970s guitarists.
sometimes your imagery makes me laugh, and sometimes I'm just confused. This one left me confused. So i googled 70s guitarist, got pics of Frampton, Bowie, Satriani. All guys that look like addicts.

I feel like there is a joke here that I am missing...

7Wannabe5
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Joined: Fri Oct 18, 2013 9:03 am

Re: My partner earns far more than me but wants me to pay a half share

Post by 7Wannabe5 »

@Felipe:

I am curious about how you enact/maintain the practice of covering expenses with 70-30 split? I was thinking that my perspective is kind of warped by the fact that I have only ever dated boys/young men under the age of 25 who had very little money before my marriage, and then mostly middle-aged or older men with much more money than me since my divorce. Do you do something like pick up the bill for the first two dates and then wait for her to suggest/offer something, or what?

@Riggerjack:

I was born in Detroit in 1965.


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yo_JIcpQmwQ

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fit99l6kHyA

( Hangs head in shame. )

Too young and not playing guitar. But, mmmm yummy.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GD8zT-y0_f0

Local favorite.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=53F-TxE1BEU

You asked. I could go on and on...

slowtraveler
Posts: 722
Joined: Sun Jan 11, 2015 10:06 pm

Re: My partner earns far more than me but wants me to pay a half share

Post by slowtraveler »

In practice, I make most of the plans so I pay since I invite. I drive once we're together, girls tend to cook me food when I'm there (sometimes we'll go to the grocery store and they'll pay since it's their groceries) or they'll bring something when they come over. Most meals are prepared at home so whoever paid for gas/car depreciation to travel has no rent and a lower grocery cost. No money ever changes hands directly.

7Wannabe5
Posts: 9372
Joined: Fri Oct 18, 2013 9:03 am

Re: My partner earns far more than me but wants me to pay a half share

Post by 7Wannabe5 »

@Felipe:

Gotcha. I never live by myself, and I don't currently own a car, so anybody who wants to date me pretty much has to come pick me up and feed me at his place or a restaurant. My BF makes me cook sometimes, but he buys the ingredients, and he usually pays for anything else I might want to pick up at the store while we are there, or he will insist on buying me a bag of coffee on sale too, stuff like that. Since most guys I have dated have been like this, I have kind of gotten used to it, and I would note for the record that I hardly ever want to buy anything, and I am always like "Oh, thank you so much for taking me to the theater.", kiss on the cheek.

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