A big part of why I want to start the ERE lifestyle is not necessarily because I want to retire early. I think that's been my big focus and the wrong focus, as it's led to burnout and obsession with quantitative numbers and spreadsheets/time frames.I need to bring the focus back to myself, my own beliefs and thoughts, my ethics, what I want from life.
I have always, since I was a little girl reading Laura Ingalls Wilders, wanted a life of self sufficiency. A life where fulfillment is from what comes from your hands, a simple orange colors your world in exotic luxury. I do love beautiful things, but I think that things are all the more beautiful in their simplicity. Too many beautiful things all jumbled together is chaos, reminds me even of mania, and doesn't allow respect. Aesthetically, I am obsessed with the Shakers. Necessity and function color their homes.
There have been studies that show that those with bipolar do well from living without the tv and internet. Why is that? I believe we are far more sensitive to inputs. I feel almost like we cannot regulate what comes in and colors us from the inside out, there is no barrier. Without making the disease sound cliche, I do feel emotions at a much higher level than others, but I believe this is true for everyone to some extent. Within 2 hours you can feel the joy of first love, the grief of a death, the wonder of a child being born. That's just in one movie! And while I think it is okay every once and a while, we now watch movies or television for four hours a day! I can't help but think it impacts even the 'normal' in a negative manner. Perhaps for others it makes the regulation of emotions too easy.
I feel the same way with Things. Even things can be too colorful. In mania, I buy the most ridiculous crap. I have very vibrant, colorful pictures, bed spreads, etc. Those are inputs too. Everything is an input and can affect the powerhouse of emotions and insight. The vibrant, indian bedspread I bought and several prints of monet combined with the colorful pillows my mother knitted me are all beautiful in their own right, but together they are chaos. They clash and they bring me anxiety. They are absolutely representative of mania. Too much energy, too much emotion, everything too much.
So what do I want from my life ultimately? Simplicity, function. But I want it to move beyond the aesthetic meanderings of pinterest boards and interior decorator magazines. I want my whole life to sing of fulfillment. I am no longer going to live off of numbers. I am, unfortunately, not that kind of a person. I graduated with a degree in literature, after all. Instead, in order for this to work for me, I need to focus on the lifestyle I want now, live it to the best of my abilities, and the rest will come. This will mean that I spend money on things others don't in this community> However, I'm sick of adopting others paths and am finally readu to forge my own.
Letting In the Jungle
Re: Letting In the Jungle
Here I am however long later...
I have quit taking my medicine. My medicine was making me far more 'crazy' than I've ever been. My mania lasted months and they moved my diagnosis from bipolar 2 to 1
Before medicine, the disease manifested itself almost always in depression. Medicine was a slingshot that threw me straight into mania. I am probably one of the few, but I prefer the depression. Because there is a much more concrete depression when the mania wears down and you realize all of that fun was just misfiring in your brain. That you're not going to be a doctor, a botanist... that your bank account being empty brought no joy. That giving away all of your worldly goods can only be met with regret.
That and the risks associated with lithium (the medicine I was on) were extremely high. Renal failure and hyperthyroidism both at 25%--not to mention kidney failure and the need for monthly blood tests. My other meds were expensive, costing me over 100 a month. I don't want to be dependent on something like that for the rest of my life.
I think I'll be able to get myself back on track now. I'm also making a concerted effort to be healthy in every way I can to combat the illness. I find myself interested in financial stability again. And one can only hope for early retirement. But now that the mania is gone and I am back, I'm looking forward to having actual plans put in place. What those are, right now just to pick myself up. I didn't ruin myself financially, but I spent half of my emergency savings and saved zero for the past four months. It is physically exhausting to think about the things I bought.
But I feel better now. I recognize it will be a bumpy ride, but I am hopeful it will be nothing like the roller coaster that medication threw me on. And depression... I know how to handle that. But mania... I think a good metaphor would be the parasites that get into the brains of ants, controlling their movements before eating their way out of its skull.
I have quit taking my medicine. My medicine was making me far more 'crazy' than I've ever been. My mania lasted months and they moved my diagnosis from bipolar 2 to 1
Before medicine, the disease manifested itself almost always in depression. Medicine was a slingshot that threw me straight into mania. I am probably one of the few, but I prefer the depression. Because there is a much more concrete depression when the mania wears down and you realize all of that fun was just misfiring in your brain. That you're not going to be a doctor, a botanist... that your bank account being empty brought no joy. That giving away all of your worldly goods can only be met with regret.
That and the risks associated with lithium (the medicine I was on) were extremely high. Renal failure and hyperthyroidism both at 25%--not to mention kidney failure and the need for monthly blood tests. My other meds were expensive, costing me over 100 a month. I don't want to be dependent on something like that for the rest of my life.
I think I'll be able to get myself back on track now. I'm also making a concerted effort to be healthy in every way I can to combat the illness. I find myself interested in financial stability again. And one can only hope for early retirement. But now that the mania is gone and I am back, I'm looking forward to having actual plans put in place. What those are, right now just to pick myself up. I didn't ruin myself financially, but I spent half of my emergency savings and saved zero for the past four months. It is physically exhausting to think about the things I bought.
But I feel better now. I recognize it will be a bumpy ride, but I am hopeful it will be nothing like the roller coaster that medication threw me on. And depression... I know how to handle that. But mania... I think a good metaphor would be the parasites that get into the brains of ants, controlling their movements before eating their way out of its skull.
Re: Letting In the Jungle
I'm sorry to hear that the initial medication didn't work out. Are you still in therapy and/or group support? Is there another medication you could try? Often, the things that don't work and why they don't (e.g. Lithium increasing the mania) can provide guidance toward a better option for your specific brain chemistry.
As I know from experience, it's tempting to slide back into an "I can heal myself" mentality. This is true in some cases and not in others, and it has nothing to do with personal strength or weakness.
Let us know how it goes. The people here are a caring lot and want to hear about the struggles as much as the triumphs.
As I know from experience, it's tempting to slide back into an "I can heal myself" mentality. This is true in some cases and not in others, and it has nothing to do with personal strength or weakness.
Let us know how it goes. The people here are a caring lot and want to hear about the struggles as much as the triumphs.