Investment in Aesthetics

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Ego
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Re: Investment in Aesthetics

Post by Ego »

Attachment style calculator. These surveys are designed to measure your attachment style--the way you relate to others in the context of close relationships.

http://www.web-research-design.net/cgi-bin/crq/crq.pl

7Wannabe5
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Re: Investment in Aesthetics

Post by 7Wannabe5 »

1.67/2.56

Of course, it was a bit difficult to answer some of the questions when you practice poly-amory. For instance, when I was considering the question about whether I was comfortable openly expressing my affectionate feelings to my partner, I had to parse it to something like "Are you comfortable openly expressing your affectionate feelings to each of your partners in a manner that is appropriate and honest for that relationship?" I am very much comfortable looking the Peacemaker right in the eyes and saying "I love you." I am very comfortable biting the Permaculture Manager on the shoulder to get his attention and saying "That was fantastic. I really enjoy having sex with you, and I like being your friend." and I am also quite comfortable having discussions with the Cowboy about the fact that he is still overly attached to a prior partner who dumped him, and therefore not completely head over heels in his feelings for me, actually works out to a pretty good balance given my more romantic attachment to the Peacemaker, and I am also quite comfortable telling him that I likey-like him and miss him while he is away on business.

I had a discussion with the Peacemaker about what Zalo posted about possessive language and polyamory, and I told him how I found the term poly-amour awkward and non-specific, so I had to make up specific names for use when I write on forums like this. He agreed that being overly possessive can be harmful, but he refers to me as "my girlfriend" and he refers to his wife as "my wife", so there isn't really any confusion and it doesn't seem like a big deal using the "my." I am trying not to fall-back on pulling recognizable models from the box when thinking about my polyamorous relationships, but my relationship with the Peacemaker would be something like being the adored mistress of somebody who lives in a culture where you feel comfortable introducing another person as your mistress. My relationship with the Cowboy would be kind of like(falling back on TV characters-sigh)if Elaine was more cuddly and sexual in her relationship with somebody who was kind of like a cross between Jerry and George, but Elaine was more like Kramer personality-wise. My relationship with the Permaculture Manager would be kind of like two people who are very compatible competitive dance and bridge partners, but don't interact that much except when they are dancing or playing bridge. I was feeling a little bit afraid that the Peacemaker might leave his wife, or the Cowboy might go more head over heels for me, and I was feeling a bit awkward about resuming my "dance" (but not "bridge") relationship with the Permaculture Manager after introducing him to one of my other dance partners, but now I've calmed down a bit. I don't want to go back to being monogamous, and I can't even quite explain why. I was questioning myself about whether it was mostly along the lines of "twice bitten, three times shy" given my previous experiences with marriage and "marriage." But, I truly believe it just has more to do with my ENTP personality type. I can't go to the library and only check out one book. In fact, I prefer to maintain borrowing privileges at 3 different libraries. The thought of a full-time career for the rest of my life makes me feel absolutely buried alive, but 3 or 4 different part-time job/hobbies seems delightful to me. My social inclination is more towards the tribal than the dyad. I know it isn't acceptable to feel or behave this way in our culture, and other people likely won't understand, just like how I have great difficulty understanding people who don't want to have children. I'm a person who has always wanted sex and love, home and family, but has never dreamed of finding a soul-mate or a life-partner. So, DINK marriages seem or feel like the worst of all worlds to me, but I understand that choice might be the very best for some people with differing temperaments, experiences or external motivators. And, I even applaud the fact that those who choose to engage in lifelong committed relationship with one other person are delving into complexity at the level of the always-same-yet-ever-unknown-lover. Like somebody who devotes their life to studying the Talmud.

IlliniDave
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Re: Investment in Aesthetics

Post by IlliniDave »

I got put in the the "dismissing region of the space" (low anxiety/high avoidance). That sounds sorta bad but apparently what it boils down to is that my need for autonomy will sometimes be to the detriment of personal relationships. That seems fair and consistent with my own self-assessment. In iDave parlance my tongue-in-cheek way of saying that is that I'm not good partner material because I'm too selfish, at least at this stage of my journey. One of the reasons I basically quit deliberately dating was because it was too often the case potential sweethearts either wanted to jump immediately into a full-blown partnership (or the opposite--immediately dismiss the future prospects of anything significant/long lasting and therefore no interest in any sort of ongoing interaction/friendship). Me wanting to walk a razor's edge marking my own comfortable balance between autonomy and relationship made the whole situation even more unstable and untenable. Ah, well.

7Wannabe5
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Re: Investment in Aesthetics

Post by 7Wannabe5 »

Anyways, back to the original topic of this thread, I think what I was really muddling about on a practical basis was whether or not I am going to reward myself for losing 15 lbs. and thereby getting back into the healthy BMI range, by throwing down for some Botox and/or vein stripping and/or professional coloring/cut and/or mani/pedi/with leg massage, or whether you guys had any better frugal type ideas?

The reason I put on a bit of weight recently is the combination of the fact that the Cowboy and the Peacemaker have been taking me out to eat too much, and I've been substituting manual labor for exercise too much. I always seem to gain a chunk of weight when I become engaged in projects that are manual labor intensive because I space out on my eating habits. For instance, when I first moved into my very old house a number of years ago, I was ripping out moldy ceiling tiles and running floor stripper and moving around large appliances by myself all day long, and just grabbing food for myself and throwing down whatever for my family low priority, and next thing I knew I had packed on some pounds. It's like I think I deserve to eat like a longshoreman but my manual labor doesn't really add up to that.

4 lbs down. 11 to go (sigh.)

NOTE: Didn't mean to direct thread back to this topic only. Attachment test is very interesting. This can be a poly-topic-thread ;)

7Wannabe5
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Re: Investment in Aesthetics

Post by 7Wannabe5 »

@IlliniDave: I applaud your choice to explore complexity at the level of self in solitude with nature or thought at this juncture in your life. It would probably be a growth experience for me to do an exercise in celibacy at some juncture. I have made attempts in the past and what happens is I either end up with a very inappropriate partner I wouldn't have chosen if I was self-aware shopping or I cheat in various ways roughly equivalent to Bill Clinton claiming not to have had sex with Monica. For instance, when I was 19 I read a terrible book on the topic of reclaiming your virginity, and then a month or so later I ended up stranded overnight on the shore of Lake Superior with an attractive boy who was not inclined towards respecting my virginity reclamation project. It would be much easier if the damn donuts didn't have legs and arm muscles attached.

IlliniDave
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Re: Investment in Aesthetics

Post by IlliniDave »

7Wannabe5, celibacy is an unwanted side effect of doing what I need to do fulfill my vision without venturing into things I find distasteful. I'd have no issue surrendering my honorary virginity under the right circumstances. :D In my weird little head I distinguish between avoiding the midlifer serial dating scene and striving for celibacy.

I tend to see myself exploring the simplicity of self rather than complexity, but maybe I'm kidding myself. ;)

enigmaT120
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Re: Investment in Aesthetics

Post by enigmaT120 »

"According to your questionnaire responses, your attachment-related anxiety score is 3.22, on a scale ranging from 1 (low anxiety) to 7 (high anxiety). Your attachment-related avoidance score is 3.88, on a scale ranging from 1 (low avoidance) to 7 (high avoidance). "

I didn't even know what half those questions meant, and it seemed like they kept asking the same ones over and over again.

Do I find it easy to depend on my partner? For what? It didn't say.

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jennypenny
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Re: Investment in Aesthetics

Post by jennypenny »

Ego wrote:Attachment style calculator. These surveys are designed to measure your attachment style--the way you relate to others in the context of close relationships.

http://www.web-research-design.net/cgi-bin/crq/crq.pl
According to your questionnaire responses, your attachment-related anxiety score is 4.78, on a scale ranging from 1 (low anxiety) to 7 (high anxiety). Your attachment-related avoidance score is 4.28, on a scale ranging from 1 (low avoidance) to 7 (high avoidance).

Combining your anxiety and avoidance scores, you fall into the fearful region of the space. Previous research on attachment styles indicates that fearful people tend to have much difficulty in their relationships. They tend to avoid becoming emotionally attached to others, and, even in cases in which they do enter a committed relationship, the relationship may be characterized by mistrust or a lack of confidence.


I can imagine how bad I'd score if I was drowning in the dating pool instead of happily married. Just once, I want someone to post a survey where I come out looking good. :P The only tests that ever make me look good are IQ tests, but in this crowd I'm pretty sure I'm average at best.

7Wannabe5
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Re: Investment in Aesthetics

Post by 7Wannabe5 »

IlliniDave said: In my weird little head I distinguish between avoiding the midlifer serial dating scene and striving for celibacy.
lol-Gotcha. The midlifer serial dating scene is a tad "distasteful", or maybe something more like "hypocritical." I don't suppose there is much of a polymorous scene in your neck of the woods? I was trying to think of a mental exercise to challenge people's boundaries on this matter. Something like if you and your current partner were stranded on a tropical island for 10 years with two other attractive-and-interesting-to-you humans who were sexually attracted to you but not your current partner or each other, and your partner decided it was okay, would you partner with the other two humans for the duration of your stay on the island? What if the situation was vice-versa? As I believe is evidenced by the photos I posted above, I have 3 very attractive partners who are all very interesting in different ways, and all tending towards contributing towards my self-interest in various ways. I am S-P-O-I-L-E-D.

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GandK
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Re: Investment in Aesthetics

Post by GandK »

Another dismisser here. I guess that's accurate? I don't feel dismissive, although I admit I've never been in a romantic relationship where I didn't feel smothered. And although I'd rate my marriage as very good, I occasionally pray hard for him to go on vacation. Without me. For weeks at a time. And take the kids.

IlliniDave
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Re: Investment in Aesthetics

Post by IlliniDave »

7Wannabe5 wrote: lol-Gotcha. The midlifer serial dating scene is a tad "distasteful", or maybe something more like "hypocritical." I don't suppose there is much of a polymorous scene in your neck of the woods? I was trying to think of a mental exercise to challenge people's boundaries on this matter.
By distasteful I was thinking more along the lines of prostitution and the world of casual "hookups". The midlifer serial dating scene is just tedious and ineffective.

I don't think there's much more you need to do here to promote the topic of polyamory!

I'm sure there is a polyamory "scene" around here, but I don't see it as any more apt to advance my well-being than midlifer serial dating. It seems even more counter to my M.O. of autonomy.

7Wannabe5
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Re: Investment in Aesthetics

Post by 7Wannabe5 »

enigmaT120 said: Do I find it easy to depend on my partner? For what? It didn't say.
Probably doesn't specify because different people depend on their partners for many different things in relationship in accordance with their needs, wants, druthers,values, expectations, standards or situation. Could be "not to show up drunk" or "to always convey affection" or "to provide financial support for me and the kids" or "to rock my socks off" etc. etc. etc.

jennypenny said: I can imagine how bad I'd score if I was drowning in the dating pool instead of happily married.
When I was unhappily married, many a moon ago and prior to much reading, therapy, reflection and behavior modification, I would have scored much higher on the anxiety meter. Since I did have some solid bonding experiences in early childhood with my father and my maternal grandmother, I was able to work up from those through my unfortunate adult long-term-relationship with my marital ex and my not-so-well-bonded relationship with my mother. Self-aware self-care is key. If you are feeling anxiety in relationship as an adult, it is often a sign that you are not "mothering" yourself enough and you may need to work on learning some self-comforting behaviors. It can be as simple as performing behaviors for yourself that you believe a good mother would perform. For instance, sometimes when I am feeling a bit anxious in relationship, I very calmly brush my hair and then plait it back into a braid. There is a picture book entitled "I Like Me!" by Nancy Carlson which features a little pig who goes through her day engaged in simple self-care activities which I used to read to my kids. The trick is to not fall over the self-care line of "I do fun things with me. I draw a beautiful picture" to the self-indulgent realm of "I do fun things with me. I snort cocaine." I have a friend who, like me, had a cold distant mother, but also an absentee addicted father, and a sexually-abusive older brother. Her anxiety and abandonment fears were so huge, she could not be physically alone without alcohol, but she could not become emotionally engaged either. She would have fallen right off the edge of that test, but she is doing better now. I'm a big believer in accepting the past and then moving forward with positive behaviors. IOW, not languishing in victimhood or engaging in the sort of rigid bootstrapping that is equivalent to denial. Men in our culture are usually more inclined towards the second.

7Wannabe5
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Re: Investment in Aesthetics

Post by 7Wannabe5 »

@GandK: Clear and obvious sign that YOU need to take a vacation without him and leave the kids, and likely the cell phone too. Maybe I should put "Start Super Frugal Spa" on my list of 10,321 possible business ideas. Like an only slightly more sophisticated version of what my sisters and I would do on a Saturday night when we were all grounded at the same time and broke. All I need is some Hefty bags,duct tape, a few used exercise bikes, a bag of miscellaneous supplies obtained at estate sale after death of extremely vain woman, cucumbers, coffee and some better speakers with which to blast "Fat-Bottomed Girls" across my vacant lot.

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GandK
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Re: Investment in Aesthetics

Post by GandK »

7Wannabe5 wrote:Maybe I should put "Start Super Frugal Spa" on my list of 10,321 possible business ideas.
I'm in. Not a fan of blasting speakers, but you had me at "spa." Or maybe at "duct tape."

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Ego
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Re: Investment in Aesthetics

Post by Ego »

Okay, so I'm dumber than a rock according to @jacob's D&D rating but at least I'm not anxious about being dumber than a rock.... or anything else for that matter. :lol:

According to your questionnaire responses, your attachment-related anxiety score is 1.17, on a scale ranging from 1 (low anxiety) to 7 (high anxiety). Your attachment-related avoidance score is 1.83, on a scale ranging from 1 (low avoidance) to 7 (high avoidance).

7Wannabe5
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Re: Investment in Aesthetics

Post by 7Wannabe5 »

IlliniDave said: I don't think there's much more you need to do here to promote the topic of polyamory!

I'm sure there is a polyamory "scene" around here, but I don't see it as any more apt to advance my well-being than midlifer serial dating. It seems even more counter to my M.O. of autonomy.
I know. I know. My promotion is likely over-compensation for my own remaining goody-two-shoes concern along the lines of "but, what will the neighbors think?" I am literally concerned about the fact that my literal neighbors, at my rental duplex and my garden-camper, have literally seen me being dropped off and kissed on the porch by my multiple partners. This one young waiter at the best restaurant in my neighborhood is visibly seriously confused about what is going on when he greets me.

I don't think polyamory is counter to autonomy. You just have to figure out where you would best fit into some mix. For simple instance, if you sometimes appreciate older woman, you could be the younger lover of a woman whose husband also has a younger lover. Or you could be the second partner of a bisexual woman who is in a committed relationship with another female. Or you could be the weekend theater and sex romp companion of a woman who only sees her long-term married lover on Tuesday and Thursday. Or all three!!! I know, I know. Too much scheduling hassle etc.

Peanut
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Re: Investment in Aesthetics

Post by Peanut »

7Wannabe5 wrote:Anyways, back to the original topic of this thread, I think what I was really muddling about on a practical basis was whether or not I am going to reward myself for losing 15 lbs. and thereby getting back into the healthy BMI range, by throwing down for some Botox and/or vein stripping and/or professional coloring/cut and/or mani/pedi/with leg massage, or whether you guys had any better frugal type ideas?

Have not down Botox (yet) but if you like the results go for it! My friend who has done it a couple times says the doctor matters a lot, so focus on finding a good one.
Professional hair cut and especially color tends to turn out way better than the amateur variety, from my observation, so go for it! (But my observation is largely biased by having seen various older relatives with the same horrible home dye jobs done to color gray.)
Conversely, paying for a mani/pedi has never made any sense to me because I CAN do the same job myself. But I do have a friend who claims she is 'polish dyslexic,' so maybe some do lack the motor control to paint their toes?

But my strongest beauty advice would be to get your brows done. If you never have, definitely try it. It's usually inexpensive, from $12-$20, and the effect is subtle but dramatic. Pro tip: a good beautician will wax, pluck, AND trim your brows--all three.

enigmaT120
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Re: Investment in Aesthetics

Post by enigmaT120 »

Granted, I'm male, but I can't think of anything I would pay for. By vein stripping, do you mean varicose vein removal? I'm seen some pretty ugly scars that were the result of that. The procedure was done 30 years or so ago, maybe more, so hopefully they've gotten a lot better at it.

If what looks I have (sorry, no handy pictures on my Flikr, imagine that!) were making money or any other reward maybe it would be worth while, but I can't think of any advantage I get from them. Or disadvantage, for that matter.

EdithKeeler
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Re: Investment in Aesthetics

Post by EdithKeeler »

Interesting quiz... My results:
According to your questionnaire responses, your attachment-related anxiety score is 5.50, on a scale ranging from 1 (low anxiety) to 7 (high anxiety). Your attachment-related avoidance score is 3.56, on a scale ranging from 1 (low avoidance) to 7 (high avoidance). ...

Combining your anxiety and avoidance scores, you fall into the preoccupied region of the space. Previous research on attachment styles indicates that preoccupied people tend to have highly conflictual relationships. Although they are comfortable expressing their emotions, preoccupied individuals often experience a lot of negative emotions, which can often interfere with their relationships.
Hmm. "Preoccupied" and "highly conflictual relationships." Yeah, this may all probably be true.

Am tempted to send to Mr. On-again-Off-again, but he'd just be annoyed that I sent it and refuse to take it, just on general principles. Yeah. Conflictual.

So I had to look it up. This article from Psychology Today summarizes the "styles"
Preoccupied Attachment (low avoidance, high anxiety): If you are always worried about what others think of you and don't really factor in your thoughts and feelings, this style of attachment most likely fits you. People with a preoccupied attachment style feel a powerful need to be close to others, and they show this by clinging. They need a lot of validation and approval. They are concerned that others don't value them, and they also doubt their own worth in relationships. So, they often worry a lot about their relationships.
https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/ma ... -your-life

Hard to see that I'm a "clinging" person since my SO lives in another state and I only see him 4x a year or so... but whatever. Interesting to think about, anyway.

EdithKeeler
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Re: Investment in Aesthetics

Post by EdithKeeler »

Anyways, back to the original topic of this thread, I think what I was really muddling about on a practical basis was whether or not I am going to reward myself for losing 15 lbs. and thereby getting back into the healthy BMI range, by throwing down for some Botox and/or vein stripping and/or professional coloring/cut and/or mani/pedi/with leg massage, or whether you guys had any better frugal type ideas?
Money spent on a full-body, hour-long professional massage is NEVER wasted. (cheaper at a massage school, if money's an issue). I always reward myself with massages: Did well at work: massage. Was on time for work every day for a week: massage. Thought about cleaning the house: massage.

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