halfmoon wrote: ↑
Wed Apr 19, 2017 10:05 pm
To be sort of fanciful: mental health is the root. Other dreams are the blossoms, and they rely on healthy roots. You may discover that your healthy self doesn't want to stay in Dallas, or that the local real estate is currently overpriced (I have no idea about this). One step at a time. Please keep letting us know your thoughts and progress.
Halfmoon, that is such a good point. However, I know that I will be staying here for another year, regardless, as that is how long it will take my retirement to vest and I'm unwilling to leave without it. Perhaps I won't buy a house here, I was thinking even of my hometown where my parents live as it's growing and prices remain low--but that remains to be seen. I do feel it necessary to have a goal to shoot for, otherwise what is the point of this journal? And I am hoping it will keep on track during mania. Instead of spending money, I have been known to religiously go over my own spending down to the penny and begin to sell my things on craigslist--yes even this has become an obsession, but it is far better than the spending!
That does bring up another point. One i hesitate to talk about as i feel I'll be pinned as 'cruel' and that may be right.
I am currently living with my boyfriend of 5 years. Being as unstable as I've been, I have decided it was over and decided that we would get married over and over again. He doesn't know this, after about the second time I told myself to sleep on it for several weeks, and wouldn't you know it, it always switched.
He has been extremely patient, kind, etc...but I wanted to move out. And I told him as much. After my diagnosis my parents told me that I shouldn't, that it would be too much, that I need someone taking care of me. So after my excitement to finally be on my own, I went back and explained exactly what they said. He said he agreed and now we're living together again. But I DON'T WANT TO. I haven't wanted to for some time. I feel codependent on him and I feel like my parents encourage this. I want to live alone--but I see the truth in what they're saying as well.
He knows that I want to live alone as well. I don't know if the relationship is good or not, but I figured as I get stable and build my own life, I can reassess and see how he fits into it. I've been honest with him about this. He seems to want to do anything to make it work. But here I am, living with him again, sometimes for what I feel are monetary and very selfish reasons, and it makes me sick.
I could decide to live alone. It would be last minute, and a lease would be broken. My concerns are that I'm not sure if I can keep my job number one, and if I'm sane enough to be able to ground myself in times of mania, I don't necessarily think he helped there either. My rent would go up not down, anywhere from 750-1000. But I can't keep depending on someone else, and it seems so WRONG to me for that even to be a consideration. It makes me feel sick, but here I am going through with it, again.