Where are you and where are you going?
There is nothing much to be jealous about, nor grossed out by. I'm also just a poor schmuck trying to journal his schmuckness. Not trying to one-up or shock anyone. I aim to write about my own actions without fear of being judged. Its not easy for me to admit I'm aimlessly sleeping around and overspending, and at the same time judge my ex for her actions.Jason wrote: ↑Wed Apr 19, 2017 4:47 pmWood, you are completely right and I apologize.
I'm admittedly jealous. I mean how can I not be? I'm just some poor schmuck living a pathetic, anonymous life in America, and here you are, the fucking Cary Grant of Uganda.
I have to think that you are used to this type of reaction by now and might even find it yourself to extend sympathy to the likes of me.
My goal is to locate personal patterns, learn, improve and stay accountable. If it sounds like I'm bragging I should improve the way I type. I'm just describing my life. I'm not used to sharing this much, but I feel like it helps me because I lost the one person I used to share everything with.
Reactions. I've had plenty.
My parents can't understand why we separated because I haven't told them in detail what's happened. They advice that I do my best in fixing the marriage. I had to withstand their resistance when I first told them I was getting married. My ex waited 18 months to get residency papers. We went through resistance from both family and society just to be able to live together. My parents like my ex very much, especially mum. If I tell them what happened, they will hate her. I care too much about my ex to have the balls to ruin their relations, and my relation to her. It feels unnecessary.
I did tell my coworkers what happened. It felt like too much of a failure to admit splitting up without having a somewhat valid reason, and I can't keep up a facade. They all have perfect families with kids (on the surface). They have a tendency to joke with the fact that I'm incapable of choosing a suitable life partner. They might be right. I try to just laugh back.
My few friends support me. I do tell them most everything. We live very different lives. One of my friends is an upper middle class politician living in a McMansion. He can't relate to my lifestyle although he finds it fascinating and we've known each other since age 7. Another is still single, still studying and still doesn't know what to do with his life at age 31 and will become an office rat soon (like me). In terms of "life accomplishments" I fall in between those two extremes. I have another friend my age who is a functional alcoholic with a full time job. Friend number 4 and 5 are current/ex work mates age 59 and 46, both previously betrayed and fucked over by women, and feeling like they haven't accomplished much in life (yet). What I like about my friends is that they are loyal and honest with me without trying to impose life wisdom shit from their moral high ground, like my parents and work mates occasionally do. But who knows, maybe I'd be better off with a different 5-set of friends?
I have received some name calling here and there from humans who know (parts of) my story. Cuckold. Weak. Naive. Jungle fever. Pig. I disregard them all. But you couldn't be more wrong in thinking I was used to reactions like admiration or jealousy
I could say the same thing about you after reading your journal.
We could make this thread about you if you want. You express being jealous, grossed out and floored (!) which makes me wonder how you would react to more extreme events, like having your laptop run out of battery and discover you are wearing underwear from yesterday.