My_Brain_Gets_Itchy's Journal

[My_Brain_Gets_Itchy]

@spoonman: For some reason I can't even picture the image of bike trails in L.A.

@pooablo: It's a bit of a hike to where you are, but I promise that if you ever decide to check it out, you will love it. Take the TTC instead.

@anomie: Two more..

[My_Brain_Gets_Itchy]

#037 08/22/2013 Working Saturdays instead of Fridays

I am thinking of working Saturdays instead of Fridays. Or at least intermittently.

Maybe 50% of the time, while I wait for next year, to see the resolution of the 20/50/50.

I believe that my work would let me do this, if I want it enough.

Friday vs Saturday

Society has deemed one a work day-Friday, and the other a day of rest/leisure-Saturday.

Because of this, infrastructure and social rhythm revolves around these definitions.

On one day, there is rush hour, coffee lineups, morning and evening news shows, deliveries which all revolve around everyone doing the exact same thing between the general hours of 9 to 5.

On the other is more or less the exact same thing, but instead of revolving around work related things, they are applied to leisure, ie. malls, brunch places, parks, theatres, attractions etc.

Because of this, we have somehow defined Saturday as having more value than Friday.

I.E. in equation form:
Saturday > Friday

This can be interpreted as such probably because the leisure infrastructure on a Saturday which is normally rare is much more accessible than it is on a Friday,

But what if a significant portion of my leisure is in solitude? And what if what my state of comfort and satisfaction, regardless of what I do is inversely related to the amount of people surrounding me? What is the definition of Friday and Saturday then?

If you take away the massive conditioning we have had since we were raised into structured institutions/society (i.e. kindergarten and onwards), one day is no different than the other, they both have 24 hours. The sun rises and sets exactly the same.

In my pursuit/education of solitude, I have become considerably less tolerant of things I used to be able to tolerate. Similar to when you stop drinking, a single drink can now give you a buzz where it didn't before.

For example, large crowds and congestion make me feel much more cluttered and dissatisfied, than before. Sporting events used to be something I enjoy, but not anymore. The chanting ritual of cheering I find demeaning.

Mob behaviour.

(I've realized that a lot of the time in the past when I was engaged in extracurricular group behaviour, most of the time it involved alcohol to varying degrees. But now that I don't drink, I see more clearly what my true nature is).

It can be argued that the patterns of both Fridays and Saturdays are mob behaviour. Brainless and automatic.

It is a trade off I realize that comes with moving downwards of the spectrum of sociability, that I lessen my immunity to herds. My social range becomes narrower.. tighter. Less resilient on one side of the scale, i.e. noise and congestion, but much more stronger on the other, solitude and silence. I feel now I have an immunity to boredom, whereas I didn't before, but at the cost of my ability to cope with the masses.

Hearing how I speak these words, I can't help but hear my own bitterness.
I hope I am not becoming Angry-Loner-Bitter Guy.

As things blur around me during my transition in FI, my definition of what 'work' becomes hazy. I question a lot more. My thought becomes more independent. I feel even less reliant on the standards of the mob and I come to the conclusion that things in life are a lot more dynamic than static, if I chose them to be.

Working on a Saturday, the office is empty. The roads are empty. No crowded elevators. No chatter. No emails. The floor is mine. It is solitude bliss. I sit in a sea of cubicles, and I make no effort to hear myself think, it comes naturally. I don't need my earplugs.

As I continue my efforts to empower not only my FI-ness and my INTJ-introvertedness, but also my state of being an empowered single man, I fully admit that I have little obligation or responsibility.

I realize that this lack of obligation and responsibility will either make me or destroy me.

[My_Brain_Gets_Itchy]

#038 08/22/2013 From Domestication to the Wild.

If a wild animal that is raised domesticated, say in a cage in a zoo, is all of a sudden released to the wild as an adult, there is a very good chance that animal will die.

That naturally wild animal never learned to fend for itself, to hunt, find shelter, fight off prey. It has instincts that have been neutured.

Just because it is yearns to be free and hates his cage, his yearning is not enough to allow him to survive in the wild. His yearning can be blinding ignorance of the reality that exists outside of the cage.

So then, that newly freed cage animal, released by his wishes into the wild, running straight into the jungle of life, can be knocked off by the first set of predatory hyenas. This is death by ignorance and naivety.

Or the door of the cage can finally be open, the animal steps out, looks around, takes a few strolls around the cage, it becomes dark outside and he becomes hungry, and it sits back in its cage and enjoys the view of a cage with an open door. This is fear.

To learn to be free, to learn to be wild again, is not a simple task of opening the door of the cage.

That animal is me.

In my days now in FI, I respect my ignorance and fear.

I spend all my free brain cycles to overcome both.

[JoThomas]

Very interesting thoughts. Taking the first step is the hardest part - I think especially as we get older and have a life's worth of experience on all the "what ifs". When I set out on my bike journey (20 years ago this summer) I remember on the day I departed I laid on my mom's couch till noon. I was filled with fear. I didn't want to go but I also knew I had to go. I always think about that fear because had I let it control me I would have given up the best summer of my life. A week or two into the journey I found that there was nothing to fear. My days were spent pedaling along mostly lonely country roads, that's about it. But I grew to really enjoy it, watching birds, ecology, movements of the sun - the small things became profound and my senses were heightened - I learned how to see. After the trip it took me a month before I could drive my car over 50mph, I hated that scenery would pass so quickly.

In regards to your FI journey and your expressed fear. The practical part of your journey to FI is a journey towards permanently solving those monetary concerns that are part of modern living - paying for food, shelter & clothing. If you have this problem licked, then you're not really like the instinct-dulled animal setting itself free because your passive income will protect you from the wilds of modern life, like a force field around you wherever you go. The fear then must be something else; fear of the self, fear of not knowing what to do, perhaps. This is what I find most interesting about people on the FI journey. It's not so much about the money and security, it's really about "who am I". If you're free to choose how to spend your day, then damn it, you really need to know how to do that. I guess you're right, it is scary.

And about being Angry-Loner-Bitter Guy. That's a choice we all have to make as we grow in life. I remind myself that life as joyful, inclusive, endlessly fascinating (most days, I can go with this!). You can have your solitude and this embracing attitude as well. They may in fact be complementary. Perhaps in this world, as you're finding, it's too easy to always be with people (physically and more-so digitally) and we're boring each other with the immediacy of our connectedness. If you live a more balanced life with both solitude and socializing, your social moments may be more compelling, more rich and more unique both to you and others. I recall you wrote about deleting your FB account and being happy with that decision. Like those meditating monks who also live in the commercial/social world, you're on to something.

Thanks for keeping your journal. Your thoughts always help me as I work through my own on this FI awareness path.

[My_Brain_Gets_Itchy]

@JoThomas: Thanks for your thoughts and perspectives. It is being able to receive and connect with replies such as yours that make journaling so rewarding. Thank you.

It has triggered some thoughts I've had for the last while, so I thought I'd just write them up into another journal post.

[My_Brain_Gets_Itchy]

#039 08/23/2013 Failure and Fear in Early Retirement

To sum up my fear in early retirement in a sentence would be this:

I fear an atrophy into laziness and gluttony, that makes me lesser of a man than I was before.

That with the absence of friction that my current life gives me, ie. the constraints of a 9-5 (solving a commuting dilemma example), I slide into a lie, that I tell myself based on freedom alone, I am a better man.

I wish to retire based on the concept of becoming a better person, and if I don't, than retirement to me is a failure.

So what does a "better" man mean to me?

On the tangible, there are very concrete things that I want for myself in retirement:

-I workout/exercise more
-I eat better
-I spent much more time with family (my aging mother. my brothers family)
-I sleep more (ie. a healthy 8-9 hours a day)
-I read more books
-I travel more

They form the foundation of concrete things that so far is what I have defined in my life as 'better'. They are the 'known' things that fuel me to achieve retirement.

If any of these things actually take a step backwards or on the whole becomes lesser than what they are today, I can make the argument to myself that I have regressed. That I needed the friction, i.e. the cage.

Further, if I watch a significant amount more of TV, surf the internet more, drink alcohol habitually, than again, I may argue to myself that the cage was good for me. For I define these things to be a gluttonous waste of time (for me), and not at all my purpose to retire. I didn't do all this FI and ERE goal planning to watch more TV and surf the internet more. Given the confines of my cage, these things are well under control.

Then there is ofcourse the 'unknown' things. The intangibles. Love, Happiness, Purpose, Meaning, productivity/contribution to society, etc.

An independent free mind in retirement can run amoke (depression, loss of reality narcissistic/hedonistic decline, mental instability, lost purpose, etc) or it can be channeled into becoming better.

How will I react to getting what I want?

How does general human nature react? I.E. what is the normal response to obtaining a lofty financial achievement or some type of pinnacle success?

These may not be the best samples, but oddly I find they are the most relatable to me. Of lottery winners, celebrities, and athletes pro athletes who hit pay dirt after a life of relative struggle and obscurity, how many of them after achieving the pinnacle of getting what they want, go on to achieve or become 'better' ?

The best example of these three I find are pro-athletes. I find it so amazing that during a contract year, a player can play out of his mind, and put up career numbers. I find it equally stunning how often after a player has signed a max contract, i.e. they are set for life and finally got what they 'wanted', that they never again achieve anywhere close to their career numbers. In Toronto sports, we had Hedo Turkoglu, Mike James, and more recently RA Dickey (although I am still a big fan of his) just to name a few, of players who never lived up to their contracts or saw a significant decline afterwards.

To me a significant amount of people when they get what they want, end up on the road to this 'atrophy', becoming a shell of their potential, enslaved by comfort and the lack of friction.

Being F.I. feels like I am in that contract year, waiting for that early retirement pay day. I feel the journey is pushing me to betterment, but will the paydirt lead me to atrophy, like those above?

FI vs High School Senior Year

I will close this post with a last thought/analogy that I feel relates to how I feel.

I enjoyed high school. I didn't love it, but having hard working parents, I realized at the time, that high school life was a Disneyland. A world where food magically appeared on the table and shelter was provided. I remembered getting to school early, just to hang out in the caf, to socialize and people watch (mostly a few girls that I would have a crush on from afar).

However, in highschool, a portion of my classmates couldn't wait to get out of this 'jail'. This 'cage'. They yearned to be free of classes, attendance, teachers, and the institution that was holding them down. Keeping them back from what they wanted to do, what they wanted to be.

They convinced themselves that anything is better than 'school'.

So, where did most (not all) of these people end up?

McDonalds. Or a factory.

A vision without a plan is just a dream.

The ones who yearned for their "freedom" most, a lot of them ended up being enslaved into a new type of confinement, worse than it was before. The cruel hoax here is that like a frog in a pot where the temperature is slowly increased, we lie to ourselves that our reality is in fact better, that anything is better than high school, ie. the cage, and by the time we realize that this in fact was a lie, we are cooked.

I guess my whole point to myself, is freedom in and of itself, does not automatically make my life better.

[Chad]

#039 08/23/2013 Failure and Fear in Early Retirement

I fear an atrophy into laziness and gluttony, that makes me lesser of a man than I was before.

That with the absence of friction that my current life gives me, ie. the constraints of a 9-5 (solving a commuting dilemma example), I slide into lie, that I tell myself based on freedom alone, I am a better man.

I wish to retire based on the concept of becoming a better person, and if I don't, than retirement to me is a failure.

So what does a "better" man mean to me?

On the tangible, there are very concrete things that I want for myself in retirement:

-I workout/exercise more
-I eat better
-I spent much more time with family (my aging mother. my brothers family)
-I sleep more (ie. a healthy 8-9 hours a day)
-I read more books
-I travel more

The shear fact you acknowledge and fear this should be enough for you to succeed. I think the fear is good, as long as it doesn't control you.

“We are turning into a nation of whimpering slaves to Fear—fear of war, fear of poverty, fear of random terrorism, fear of getting down-sized or fired because of the plunging economy, fear of getting evicted for bad debts or suddenly getting locked up in a military detention camp on vague charges of being a Terrorist sympathizer.” - Hunter S. Thompson

It's the ride that matters, not necessarily completing the goal. JoThomas' bike trip is a good example.

The best example of these three I find are pro-athletes. I find it so amazing that during a contract year, a player can play out of his mind, and put up career numbers. I find it equally stunning how often after a player has signed a max contract, i.e. they are set for life and finally got what they 'wanted', that they never again achieve anywhere close to their career numbers. In Toronto sports, we had Hedo Turkoglu, Mike James, and more recently RA Dickey (although I am still a big fan of his) just to name a few, of players who never lived up to their contracts or saw a significant decline afterwards.

To me a significant amount of people when they get what they want, end up on the road to this 'atrophy', becoming a shell of their potential, enslaved by comfort and the lack of friction.

Do these athletes step up their performance for the contract? Or, are they just the lucky ones that happen to stumble on to their best year before they sign a new contract? I wouldn't be surprised if it was 50/50, but good point.

[JoThomas]

@MBGI: Really interesting examples. I've also read about lottery winners and pro athletes (NFL players are most likely to be divorced, broke or alcoholic within something like 5 years after playing). The consistent story regarding lottery winners are that they tend to stay who they are. The people who were poor ended up spending all the winnings and return to poverty (usually worse off). The rare wealthy winners stayed wealthy. Life skills and maturity make a successful life more than winning the lottery ever will. At best money can provide basic comfort, everything else it seems, is up to us. In a weird way this gives me some comfort, it makes me realize how much control I have over my life if I so choose, with or without money.

Pro athletes are really interesting in that they are very successful, hard working, seeming to have what it takes to handle huge windfalls the business awards them but if you think about it, most of them have spent their lives doing only one thing (their sport) and furthermore, they've had a coach telling them what to do their entire teen & adult life. A pro athlete's personal decision making skills are atrophied, just like a poor person who never learned how to handle life or money. When these athletes make it big they are presented with the resources to do whatever they want but without the mental skill set to know how to handle these unlimited options. For entertaining/scary reading you can also check out the latest Rolling Stones headline for a story on trust fund adults from hell.

http://www.rollingstone.com/culture/new ... d-20130812

People on the FI track develop themselves differently. To become FI, especially at a young(er) age, requires a lot of self awareness, delayed gratification, multiple life skills (job, household management, reliability, to name a few) so by the time you break out of the cocoon and spread your wings into the new FI life you've already developed the mental skills and habits to appropriately accept the challenge. I think FI is less about being free from a cage (that's a strong word considering how lucky we modern employees are compared to average work options in the past) and more about self-directed work after FI. In your case, if you end up traveling, would it be a goal to contribute to travel guides or lead tours, etc? It's a form of social responsibility and temporary binding contract but one of your own choosing. It sounds fun. And challenging.

Great thoughts, as always. Really makes me think.

[spoonman]

I agree with Chad. The fact that you acknowledge some concerns means that you are setting yourself up for success. I have no doubt that you will not fall prey to those behaviors (not on a sustained basis, at least).

In your earlier post (#037), you said that you might be hearing your own bitterness. I often feel the same way because I feel that we are a rare kind embedded in a society that promotes excess and a herd mentality.

Your posts are become better and better as your journey goes on, I love it!

[My_Brain_Gets_Itchy]

#040 08/24/2013 Floors,Ceilings and Zero Gravity in Retirement

What I realize, is that while there is no ceiling to the possibilities of what you may do in your retirement, there also is no floor.

In a 'conventional' life pattern (ie. working), both of these barriers exist, such that you do not stray too much either way. I wouldn't call these hard barriers, but I wouldn't call them soft either.

The Workers FLOOR Example- Going out drinking on that Thursday night after work? You got to be at work the next day. There are consequences to being hungover the next day or calling in sick the next day..

The Retirement FLOORLESS Example-Zero consequences day after day if you decide to drink.

The workers CEILING Example- Got a brilliant/ambitious idea that improve process productivity at work? You are a threat, you are doing your managers job, are too keen, you are stepping out of bounds. If you decide to go it on your own, start a startup, you can loose your shirt before you even begin, plus you still need to have a job or find a VC unless you want to potentially financially destroy yourself. Your ambition has a ceiling, only edible in bits and bites. The ceiling kills most (NOT ALL) persons ambitions before they even start due to the realities of life.

The Retirement CEILINGLESS Example- Do whatever you want if you are retired. See @jacob and @mmm. This is the optimal zone (ie. the FU money life).

Zero Gravity in Retirement

Being retired, without much obligation or responsibility (ie. being single), and with significant doses of solitude and growing unruly independent thought, one can get plugged out of what keeps one in check,in both a good and bad way, and perhaps they can also be one in the same.

One also can get quite disoriented, i.e lose a sense of what is up and what is down.

There really is no gravity in retirement.

What is good and what is bad, what is growth and what is not, can become blurry because you make up your own measurements and evaluations of yourself and you no longer judge yourself against society. It is you vs yourself. No one tells you what to do, but you.

You can then fall prey to an Introspective Illusion http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Introspection_illusion that convinces yourself of one thing (UP), when in fact it is the another (DOWN).

Under the auspices of a YOLO delusion, I can convince myself to do something really really stupid, and have no doubt in my mind that it is the most brilliant and exact thing I must do.

I love, love, LOVED the book "Into the Wild" , probably too much (Thank you @GPMagnus for the book referral!).

And I probably admire Chiristopher McCandless more than I should. Despite his tragic flaws, I loved how he lived his life. People can call me an idiot for saying such a thing, and I really wouldn't put up an argument against it. But I loved how he lived his life because he lived his life exactly how he wanted on his own terms with his own sense of integrity. Despite his early, naive and irresponsible death, he in those years that he was living the life he wanted, he lived a very full, genuine, vividly real life. He walked the talk and he uncompromisingly did everything in his power to persue his calling. Everything in his nuture said he should have lived a life of materialism, but his nature won out, and he lived a life of rugged simplicity, ambivalent to weath and money.

But for his life, what was up, and what was down?

His ambitions and calling brought him to a head on collision course with death. Even before his downfall he had several close calls. It seems death was unavoidable, only a matter of time, given the way he was living his life and what he defined as up. His freedom became his deathbed.

He treated the ones who loved him the most (his parents and his best friend sister) atrociously at the sake of his own reality made up of his introspective illusions.

At the same time as he became increasingly disconnected from society, unable to even hold down a job at McDonalds or function in a main stream society, to those whom he did end up befriending, he left a scarring impression of a man like none they have ever met (in a very good way).

So was his life really based on introspective illusions? To him I am sure they weren't.

The lines are blurred. Up and down become grey.

He lived an unreal full life, but he died at 24.

Devil's Advocate and Epilogue

I want to stress that I write these words as an exercise to release some thoughts in my head.

None of these thoughts will prevent me from retiring or make me want to do it any less.

I also want to stress that what I describe specifically applies more so to someone more in a situation without much obligation to others(or little), but only to oneself. If I had a significant other or a child, it would most definitely be enough gravity to have a definition of up and down, as their well being would be central to my existence.

Thank you @chad, @JoThomas and @spoonman for your feedback and thoughts as always. Most definitely I agree acknowledging these things and putting them into words has already helped me to address it beforehand, and I do see it is the possible beginnings of a form of inoculation.

[jennypenny]

This post reminded me of a condition pilots face called spatial disorientation http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Spatial_disorientation .

Most private pilots aren't rated to fly by instuments only. If they lose visuals (commonly during bad weather or nighttime flying), they can become disoriented and unable to track their pitch or altitude intuitively. Unfortunately, this can result in a death spiral.

I suspect most people are the same way. They need some sort of external reference point to avoid introspective illusions and descending into their own death spiral of sorts.

[My_Brain_Gets_Itchy]

Yes I saw that too! I think it was on a 60 minutes episode?

On another note, I have read Uncertainty by Jonathan Fields.

He talks specifically of something called "Certainty Anchors".

"A certainty anchor is a practice or process that adds something known and reliable to your life when you may otherwise feel you’re spinning off in a million different directions. Rituals and routines can function as certainty anchors; their power comes from the simple fact that they are always there. They are grounding experiences to which you can always return, no matter what’s going on. Their consistency makes them effective tools to counter the anxiety that comes not only from living in uncertain times, but from embracing endeavors that ramp uncertainty even higher."

My paraphrase definition is:

Things in your life that give you the foundation and strength to take "positive risks".

The best analogy in my head is the mother who stands beside the playground when the child plays. Without the mother there, the child all of a sudden begins to cry and no longer ventures.

Unfortunately the definition of "positive risk" is still a problem, lol.

[jennypenny]

That looks good. I've added it to my reading list. (I'm reading The Sports Gene this weekend--review forthcoming )

Certainty Anchors is an interesting concept. I was on a biography kick last year. It seemed like many of the most successful people I read about had quirks like always dressing the same way or always eating the same breakfast. I saw them as superstitions, but Fields' definition of Certainty Anchors sounds like it would apply. Maybe that helped them take better risks?

[My_Brain_Gets_Itchy]

..Maybe that helped them take better risks?

Yes, yes precisely!

The book in particular focuses on the creative process, ie generating greater creativity, and taker greater creative risks.

He talks about how someone like Richard Branson would engage in extreme sports as a certainty anchor because it would then feed something greater.

IE. Without his ritual of extreme sports, there is no fuel.

It's also kind of like laying fertile soil. With the certainty anchors, 'growth' in easier, without them it is harder.

[WorkingWageWealth]

Not to appear redundant, but I want to thank you for your thoughtful, well written entries. I am twenty seven and so much of what you wrote throughout your journal about lifestyle choices, your "life," and how you want to live resonates with me. I'm twenty seven, well educated, a introvert recovering from a faux extrovert lifestyle, and desperately seeking a balance between what I want for myself and the expectations others have for me. I gave up Facebook and all of the "noise" that accompanies it, don't know if I want kids...ever, would like a life partner but don't feel "lonely" that often, and I love to travel (I find that I learn so much more about myself than the places I visit). I love to write and I started a thematic blog because I wasn't sure that all of my concerns/interest were necessarily ERE friendly, but your journal has encouraged me to share it with this community. Again, thank you.

[jennypenny]

Huh. So an unusual ritual that an outsider might think was negatively impacting a person's life might actually be the thing that's fueling a person's growth and creativity?

[My_Brain_Gets_Itchy]

@WorkingWageWealth: If you were a girl and you were older, we'd solve each others problems ;P But thank you so so much for saying that, it just empowers me immensely to hear that, and glad that you are sharing your blog. Writing here, has helped me a ton.

@jennypenny:Yes, whatever nutures us.

The book states that too often we try and convert uncertainty into certainty, rather than embracing or nurturing it.

For example, we may stop doing things that we like in order to meet a deadline or 'buckle down' to complete something, but the book is more or less saying we should be doing more of that ritual, it is what fuels what is needed.

Certainty anchors are a way of nuturing uncertainty.

[WorkingWageWealth]

I am a girl...er...woman. But the assumption that I was a male is interesting in its own right. So, what led you to such an assumption?

[My_Brain_Gets_Itchy]

@WorkingWageWealth: Doh! My apologies. First for referring to you as a girl, secondly for assuming you were a boy, um..i mean male;P

So, what led you to such an assumption?

See there's thing thing called Introspective Illusion...

Well so... I thought I wrote from a distinctly male perspective, but you gave me a stark dose of reality.

When I look past my illusions, I see most of what i journal on is gender neutral, specifically the things you mentioned.

As per the 'girl' reference, I am still purging my connection to things like:

-girls night out
-'I met this girl'
-'Girl you know it's true....'
-'What's up giiirrl?'
-'Girlfriend'

But yes, sorry.

Um, so uh...
Would it be too ridiculous or satirical if I call you W.W.W. Dot Woman ?

I joke! (And apologies in advanced for calling you www. woman, I couldn't help myself!).

[WorkingWageWealth]

First, you shouldn't apologize; nothing you said was remotely offensive and even if it were, it would at least warrant a discussion as to why I offended before you apologize so profusely.

Secondly, your response, although eloquent AND amusing , didn't really answer my question: Why did you assume "I" was a girl? Even if "you" are writing from a decidedly male perspective (this is a conversation for another day), that doesn't really necessitate an all male readership or that those that share you opinions would necessarily be of the same gender. So, again, why did you assume I was male? Come on...I dare you...be honest...dig a bit deeper...it's okay, I only have internet stones. Was it because I said I was unsure that I wanted children?

Thirdly, I must admit to being confused as to what a "W.W.W. Dot Woman" is. A meme I missed? A Beyonce song? Do share.