Ascetic Aspirations Journal

[AsceticAspirations]

I was heavily into MMM and ERE in college, almost 10 years ago now. I started off (well.. uhh relatively) strong, had about 30k saved cash and 65k in retirement by the time I was 25 and had been promoted 4 times in 4 years.

Enter: mental illness and/or pharmaceutical fuck ups. I am not sure which is which at this point, but at 25, I was put on antidepressants and had an adverse reaction where I, out of character, moved to the mountains and dipped into my savings, taking a job that paid 25% less in order to hike all the 14ers in CO.

I did have a journal on here years ago, I'm not sure what the username was or if anyone remember my rambling, manic posts about the mountains and the forests.

It is about 4 years later. I now have a bipolar and sensory processing disorder diagnosis. I have filtered through about 4 jobs since, been on a long list of medications, many which did untold harm to my brain and memory, some caused seizures, breathing difficulties, etc etc etc.

What is and isn't mental illness I do not know, I simply know that I will need to be on medicine the rest of my life. I also know that I am coming up for air and looking around with about $80K in retirement and $7k in (0 interest) CC debt and only about $2k in savings. I think this might be the only place that can understand what a disappointment that is. Others in my age group think this is "actually pretty good", but give where I started... I burned through $30k cash, I actually took a loan out of my 401k at one point (now paid off), and I'm in debt on top of that. It is easy to get stuck in loops of "what if" -what if I never took that medication, what if I didn't have this illness, what if I DON'T have the illness and it's just medicine, what if what if what if.

I lived, in CO, both like a vagabond and extremely lavishly. Often living out of my car to go hiking, staying at cabins I found a long the way if I wanted to, or luxury hotels, restaurants whenever I wanted, drunken nights and high days, no thought of spending at all. I do not regret this time, partly because I can't and what is the point? But especially because my love for hiking and the mountains was fully realized and the connection I had with nature grew exponentially and gave my life some meaning that I didn't have before.

At one point, still not completely stable, I moved back to my home state and bought a house with my long term boyfriend. I only put down $2k and his name is on everything, mostly because I did not trust myself enough to be in charge of... anything at this point. And didn't want my name on the house when I potentially wouldn't be able to contribute.

I have flirted with coming back to ERE frequently, but was always left with "what is the point!" Because to me, the idea that without a job I would be paying $2k a month for medicine and am already paying $300 a month (with insurance) for the best psychiatrists/doctors--I just felt that the very concept of ERE was mocking me.

Over the past year the weight of consumption and environmentalism has been weighing heavily on me. It started off with researching lawns for our new house and realizing how absolutely wasteful and disgusting the concept of a "lawn" is... further research led me to find our eco-region and the decimation of it, horror at the thought of so many wild lands being developed--especially after having been in the very gut of the rocky mountains, horror at my own mindless consumption that had ravaged me ever since I moved back to this state, my mind totally wiped of the lessons I had thought made me so wise in college, my love of stoicism and asceticism, simplicity, nature--it was as if this somehow made me surface, finally, and think--what is all this and where am I?

I've gone through various variations of what could be done on a personal level. I hope I am not too pessimistic when I say, as for my own sake, I am not concerned with accomplishing anything. Mental illness has somewhat taken away any perception of self or progress of self, and I am okay with that. But when I can focus my aspirations outside of myself, I find some comfort and direction.

I thought first of changing my career. Right now I work in the financial services industry. Decent benefits and decent pay, probably around $80k a year give or take $10K depending on bonuses. I did not know what this new career would be but thought anything would be better than what I am currently doing.

It created an interesting thought experiment: what is worth more to the causes I care about--my skill/expertise or money? Skills and expertise I have little of, if I were to go back to school and pick up various certifications (which I may still do simply because I enjoy them), but if I were to do this it would be purely self interest. You have to be 1) incredibly intelligent 2) have a great moral compass and 3) a huge amount of luck to make your "skills" really worth it to others. The cliche to think of is Einstein, who gave us untold knowledge--but also the atomic bomb. Not comparing myself with Einstein, but even those who are genius (maybe even especially) have the capability for harm, so what am I to think for my mentally ill self?

This led me to effective altruism and Peter Singer's essay "Famine, Affluence, and Morality." Now, I do not think we will ever be the top 1% or even top 5% of wealth, but I believe the notion of effective altruism could really be spread to anyone living in a first world country. The opulence and unnecessary consumption are what make my head spin.

I realize that I will need to define a baseline lifestyle for myself so that I can practice that above all. My consumption comes mostly in the form of take out food, food in general, and what I would classify as "emotional spending" which is what happens when my moods fluctuate wildly and I usually spend money due to a new obsession or trying to replace some serotonin in my brain.

I need both a relatively stress-free as well as carefully structured and routine lifestyle in order to keep my mental health on track. I do not have that in place and the first part of my journal will likely be learning and slowly (very slowly) adapting myself to these goals.

In the past couple of months I have cut out any food besides homemade food. I aim for $50 a week for the two of us (and our two pups). I do this through whole foods on amazon prime as we are still quarantining and working from home (and I plan on continuing this as my dad has cancer and will be undergoing chemo, and I plan to visit him frequently). I feel it necessary to tip so usually the bill comes out to $60 a week, the goal is to have what is in my cart be below $50. We are also sticking to mostly vegan food, besides the meat in our freezer. My dad and brother hunt, so we have probably 10-15 lbs of deer meat which I thaw and we eat about once a week.

I have an amazon prime membership and card, which I am debating getting rid of altogether. The only thing I like is that it gives me free delivery of groceries and 5% back in amazon points, of which I've been using for bulk purchases of rice and lentils and canned veggies. I think if I did pick up at walmart in my be about the same, and then I can stop supporting amazon. (weird that we're at a point where walmart is better than amazon, eh?)

As far as spending goes my partner pays for rent and utilities as I've been digging myself out of the hole, but I plan on paying him as soon as my debt is taken care of.

After my 401k contributions (currently 20%) and all deductions (I pay a bit more than most for long term disability and such--just in case) I make about !,700 per paycheck, biweekly. Right now, my bills are groceries -about $240, car insurance, about $105 for both of us, and any other expenses (home repairs/vet bills/etc) I also donate $300 to charity currently, as I am unsure how else to begin "helping" in any real way. The rest goes towards my debt (which has brought it from $10k to $7k in about a month and a half)

My short term (3 month goals) are to completely get rid of debt, start giving my partner $1000 a month to put extra into the mortgage (which we (erm.. he) still owes $187K on) and delving back into asceticism, discipline, frugality. We also need to get a new toilet, our fence is falling apart, and I plan on slowly getting rid of our lawn over the next year. (I have already sowed wildflower seeds in garden beds reducing it by about an 8th, but need some native shrubs/small trees as well). As far as my "effective altruism" goes, I'm still learning how this will work and what the best way to go will be. I will continue my $300 a month donations, I have created a neighborhood group to make a large vacant "park" into something more sustainable and we are working with local government and our neighborhood for grants. Unfortunately, they do not like the idea of more trees/ native plants and instead want a new plastic jungle gym and turf for soccer fields, so I may have done more harm than good with that one. I also gave away some extra pet toys to a lady who was going to give them to her 90 year old neighbor, and in exchange she gave me laundry detergent and softener--honestly, that is my smallest deed and the one that made me the most happy.

I understand I have not parsed out what asceticism means to me, and in reality I am probably being hyperbolic. The truth is, I haven't parsed it out even to myself. I suppose I may do so in this journal as well. Perhaps that is for another post, it is getting dark and my bread (if you can call the rocky lumps I pull from my oven that) is done.

[unemployable]

Did you at least do all the 14ers?

[detect_148]

Thanks for brining up effective altruism. I've never thought about that before.

[AsceticAspirations]

I suppose I am posting in here again to hold myself accountable and to try and hang onto a tangible narrative that will last me longer than several weeks, which is the usual for me.

We upped my medicine due to lack of sleep and stress from my father's cancer diagnosis that was making me a bit impulsive. The medicine I am on is Quetiapine (or Seroquel name brand). I doubled it and am taking 100 mgs now, still a relatively low dose, but seroquel is brutal.

I have not been able to get up, sleeping 16-18 hours a day. Today, because I had work, I ordered out. I feel physically sick and weak, and any willpower I have is completely gone. I ordered coffee and sodas and sugar, just anything to wake me up.

I am in a relatively new job, the on boarding process has gone just about as wrong as it can, and I still don't have actual access to do my job 2 months in. So I feel guilty but also not super guilty about sleeping most of the day? I guess that shows that the caffeine I ordered really didn't help anyways.

I really need to be able to function normally. I am not sure how to do so while adjusting medicine and working on stability. I really want to do well at this job as well, but it seems I'm falling into familiar patterns of laziness. It is hard to balance forgiveness for things I cannot do and self discipline.

It is hard too, because I have yet to find a "miracle" drug like so many say they find. I have tried being unmedicated, but I fell into severe depression.

I really cannot progress until I can learn to function while on medicine. I am not sure how to do so. I suppose if I take my medicine at 7:30 PM overnight, I will wake up by 8 AM--hopefully? Move the coffee machine to my room and set it on a timer to be my alarm? It is unfortunately not normal sleepiness but feeling drugged that I am dealing with, likely to last another 2-3 weeks as my body adjusts to the dosage, and we will keep increasing until therapeutic levels which starts at 300 mg.

I do NOT want to take leave or let my work know in any way that there is something wrong. I intend to rebuild my career here. I really do need to find a way to proceed where I can stick to my goals and also just do my job/basic life skills. It may be a waiting period. I have been reading Seneca more lately. It may be that I need to accept that I feel like shit and want to sleep, and that's just how it is, and I still force myself on the computer every day.

Some days things seem really easy, other days getting out of bed is an accomplishment. I often really despise my medicine, I feel like a slave to it. Another reason it hurt me to think about ERE, I suppose I will never be "truly" independent. I cannot disconnect from society at any point unless I learn to live without my medicine. And perhaps that is something I will try again in the future, but for now I need it to sleep and function. I must accept that it will be 2 weeks of somewhat hell and also accept that I still have to get up and do my job and not use the way I feel as an excuse to buy whatever I want. At night, I need to program my coffee so that I don't have to worry about it in the morning. If i want sodas--fine--buy them from the store and drink them in the morning. A big part of this learning process is also keeping myself from victim mentality and thinking--yeah it sucks, so what?

So I spent about $20 on takeout today, and yesterday I brought unnecessary food from the grocery store--charcuterie board fixings for about $50. This is the first time in several months I've fallen back like this. I see this entry as a confessional.

Steps--move coffee machine to bedroom, take medicine at 7:30. Keep tracking progress. $70 spent, about, that could have gone toward debt but didn't, and didn't impact me in any meaningful way either.