How to be alone but not lonely?

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Olaz
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How to be alone but not lonely?

Post by Olaz » Sat Mar 11, 2017 2:17 pm

How does one do this happily and over time?

MDFIRE2024
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Re: How to be alone but not lonely?

Post by MDFIRE2024 » Sat Mar 11, 2017 2:25 pm

I am also interested in answers and experiences.

For me it's still easy. At work I have my collegues and on the weekends I regularly visit my family. Unfortunately I don't have many contact to friends in my free time. Also I have to say I am very introverted and I do enjoy my free time alone, doing things on my own. In comparison to that I also enjoy work due to the time within my team.

On the whole I am alone but I don't feel lonely, because I am satisfied with the situation right now.

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BRUTE
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Re: How to be alone but not lonely?

Post by BRUTE » Sat Mar 11, 2017 3:39 pm

practice

frihet
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Re: How to be alone but not lonely?

Post by frihet » Sat Mar 11, 2017 4:08 pm

Go on meditation retreats.

Goenka vipassana is an ere friendly choice as you pay what ever you want afterwards. They also enforce strict discipline when it comes to talking, in fact you are not even allowed eye contact.

10 days well spent.

Lucas
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Re: How to be alone but not lonely?

Post by Lucas » Sat Mar 11, 2017 6:55 pm

Researching examples of the extreme variety of a struggle with loneliness—enforced isolation in incarceration—I took particular notice of the activities that the prisoners used to keep themselves occupied (and sane), and they usually had to do with spiritual and intellectual pursuits—some prayed or meditated, some recited poetry, some solved mathematical equations, and so on and so forth.

Even for people like me, whose troubles are laughable in comparison, not only engaging in those endeavours, the ones leading to an exploration of deeper aspects of ourselves and the universe, helps coping with loneliness, but it also, I posit, makes us progressively more acquainted, and at ease, with the states pertaining to the domain of introspection, so that, paraphrasing Antonio Machado, our soliloquy eventually becomes a conversation.

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Re: How to be alone but not lonely?

Post by jacob » Sat Mar 11, 2017 7:29 pm

Try Seneca's letters to a stoic .. somewhere around letters 5--10 would be relevant.

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fiby41
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Re: How to be alone but not lonely?

Post by fiby41 » Sat Mar 11, 2017 10:47 pm

Internet

Felipe
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Re: How to be alone but not lonely?

Post by Felipe » Sun Mar 12, 2017 1:49 am

+1 to Vipassana. Changed my life.

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FBeyer
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Re: How to be alone but not lonely?

Post by FBeyer » Sun Mar 12, 2017 3:11 am

Felipe wrote:+1 to Vipassana. Changed my life.
Start a topic. Elaborate. Pretty please?

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BRUTE
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Re: How to be alone but not lonely?

Post by BRUTE » Sun Mar 12, 2017 10:59 am

+1 internet :)
having both meditated and used the internet, the latter is a far better companion.

ducknalddon
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Re: How to be alone but not lonely?

Post by ducknalddon » Sun Mar 12, 2017 3:09 pm

Even though I'm an introvert I don't think I'd want to live on my own, if I do find myself in that situation I'll almost certainly get a dog.

7Wannabe5
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Re: How to be alone but not lonely?

Post by 7Wannabe5 » Sun Mar 12, 2017 7:31 pm

1)Realize that it is much better than being lonely although not alone.

2)Realize that there are billions of other people on the planet, so it is only a temporary delusion that you are alone.

3) Stack of books and a bag of candy.

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jennypenny
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Re: How to be alone but not lonely?

Post by jennypenny » Sun Mar 12, 2017 7:40 pm

Are you an extrovert or introvert? That matters because an extrovert will struggle more when alone. I'd also suggest not taking advice from the 'other side'. I'm an introvert and hate when extroverts give me advice (like "you just need to get out more" :roll: ). Extroverts have different needs.

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Olaz
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Re: How to be alone but not lonely?

Post by Olaz » Mon Mar 13, 2017 8:18 am

Right in the middle, probably introvert though. I may not need large groups--in fact I don't like them--but I do eventually need one-one-one time with people, especially with meaningful emotion and affection.

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Ego
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Re: How to be alone but not lonely?

Post by Ego » Mon Mar 13, 2017 12:17 pm

jennypenny wrote:Are you an extrovert or introvert? That matters because an extrovert will struggle more when alone. I'd also suggest not taking advice from the 'other side'. I'm an introvert and hate when extroverts give me advice (like "you just need to get out more" :roll: ). Extroverts have different needs.
Textbook example of why I dislike Myers-Briggs. A tool is only as good as how people use it. If 2/3rds of the people handed a hammer used it to bash themselves in the forehead, we might consider carefully before handing out hammers indiscriminately.

The labels provided by Myers-Briggs can reveal tendencies. Great!
When people use the label to eliminate the most likely solutions to their problems, not so great.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Labeling_theory

Did
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Re: How to be alone but not lonely?

Post by Did » Mon Mar 13, 2017 12:38 pm

Keep searching

jacob
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Re: How to be alone but not lonely?

Post by jacob » Mon Mar 13, 2017 2:09 pm

Aside from intra/extroversion, it's also important to consider whether one is interpersonal (prefers to converse(*) with other people) or intrapersonal (prefers to converse(**) with oneself). There's probably some correlation between the two so they're not completely orthogonal, but that still leaves us with four extremes and all the midpoints.

(*) Specifically that neural activity benefits more from engaging with others.
(**) That talking to oneself, inner voice and all, results in more exciting neural activity than ditto with other people.

Someone posting about skin hunger within hours after a breakup is probably rather extremely interpersonal.

introverted interpersonal - Homebody. This is someone who needs other people but in small doses. A few very good friends who don't need to be present at all times. Small parties. Sign up for a class. It will then be possible to be alone without feeling lonely for a few days to a week or more.

introverted intrapersonal - Hermit. As long as they have mission or a topic of extreme interest, they're not lonely. Look for something to become fascinated by. As long as you're not bored, you'll never feel lonely.

extraverted interpersonal - Social butterfly. Go hang out in bars. I don't know if there's an actual solution to being alone here for more than 24 hours beyond medication. Fortunately, as far as I can tell, pretty much any interaction with any other human alleviates loneliness.

extraverted intrapersonal - People watcher. Drag your laptop or a newspaper into a cafe, buy a cup, and watch people for several hours letting imagination fly. If you don't have beer money, go somewhere were it's free.

Label theory might backfire in the sense that anyone labeled might get addicted to their treatment so to speak; but that still seems better than getting the wrong treatment. Introverts get a little more cred these days but it used to be that we were told just to work on our social skills and go out and meet random people. This should be good advice to interpersonal people (dosage may vary), whereas if intrapersonal people follow that prescription they're likely to end up feeling even more alone.

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Ego
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Re: How to be alone but not lonely?

Post by Ego » Mon Mar 13, 2017 3:08 pm

jacob wrote: Label theory might backfire in the sense that anyone labeled might get addicted to their treatment so to speak; but that still seems better than getting the wrong treatment.
Oh great. More labels. :lol:

They don't become addicted to the labels. They live out their label. It becomes their story.

https://www.theatlantic.com/health/arch ... th/400796/

7Wannabe5
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Re: How to be alone but not lonely?

Post by 7Wannabe5 » Mon Mar 13, 2017 4:05 pm

@jacob: Interesting break-down. I can relate to (1), (2) and (4) but not (3.)

Scott 2
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Re: How to be alone but not lonely?

Post by Scott 2 » Mon Mar 13, 2017 5:03 pm

Try adding an activity with physical contact - an adjustment heavy or partner yoga, Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu, massage school, etc.

Edited to add - explore the concept of love languages, understand which are most important to you, and find sources to satisfy the need.

enigmaT120
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Re: How to be alone but not lonely?

Post by enigmaT120 » Tue Mar 14, 2017 10:53 pm

My life doesn't have a narrative, it's just stuff sometimes happening and sometimes me doing stuff. I didn't care for the article Ego linked to.

Felipe
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Re: How to be alone but not lonely?

Post by Felipe » Wed Mar 15, 2017 1:25 am

Introverted interpersonal.

The tendencies were at the tip of my tongue but I genuinely feel something clicked with that post.

Thanks Jacob.

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Ego
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Re: How to be alone but not lonely?

Post by Ego » Wed Mar 15, 2017 6:43 am

enigmaT120 wrote:My life doesn't have a narrative, it's just stuff sometimes happening and sometimes me doing stuff. I didn't care for the article Ego linked to.
You are "script free". As it should be.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Script_analysis

herp
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Re: How to be alone but not lonely?

Post by herp » Tue Apr 18, 2017 6:31 pm

jacob wrote:
Mon Mar 13, 2017 2:09 pm
introverted interpersonal - Homebody. This is someone who needs other people but in small doses. A few very good friends who don't need to be present at all times. Small parties. Sign up for a class. It will then be possible to be alone without feeling lonely for a few days to a week or more.
This fits me quite well. The very rare dash of social butterfly can be hugely stimulating to me, though.

I find it much more rewarding to talk to other people than myself, but I don't enjoy being around too many people all the time. One on one or small groups I do best with.

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fiby41
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Re: How to be alone but not lonely?

Post by fiby41 » Sun Apr 23, 2017 5:07 am

I'm not saying I'm any good at it but.,
Cultivating relationships where you have access to the other person when you want but avoiding access to you when you don't want it.

People generally assume that if you disturb them they can disturb you anytime too and they won't let you disturb them if you don't let them disturb you.

It's hard to explain to them that it's not that I don't like wasting time/doing fun things, it's just that I don't want to waste time with them. And it is not their fault, I just like to waste time alone.
Sorry if it comes out condescending.

Maybe join a class or go where people go to do things you enjoy anyway.

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