Mealtime trouble with kids

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slog
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Mealtime trouble with kids

Post by slog »

For background I am not a parent but am curious about the subject because of two personal experiences.

The first is that my brother was a picky eater and dinner time could be absolutely miserable with him and my father home at the same time when we were kids. My father died when I was young so this was really just a childhood experience.

The recent reminder that this can be a problem is I just spent a full weekend with my girlfriend and her son for the first time. She is not the primary caregiver so the fact this has not happened before is not so unusual. The boy is 7 years of age and he was not so much picky as not very interested in eating.

My question is why don't parents adopt what I think is the simplest strategy and let hunger be the natural lever that it is. If a meal is prepared that the child in fact likes in its entirety but they do not have an interest in eating why not explain that their next opportunity to eat will not be until the next family meal time and just stick with that promise? Why harangue the tiny person to eat if they are not hungry? If they couldn't be bothered to stop lego building/drawing/videogaming for lunch I imagine they'd be pretty damn excited by the time dinner rolled around.

Dragline
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Re: Mealtime trouble with kids

Post by Dragline »

Sometimes they do adopt that strategy and sometimes it works.

Realize that children change relatively quickly over time and no one strategy works every time. I agree that too many parents are willing to accommodate less than optimal eating habits from their children these days.

Your girlfriend's situation is complicated by the fact that she is not the primary caregiver, which can lead to many conflicting messages and manipulative behaviors on both the part of the parents and the children.

7Wannabe5
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Re: Mealtime trouble with kids

Post by 7Wannabe5 »

One reason why parents don't allow hunger to be the natural lever would be that the kid is just biding time until some junk food becomes available. My policy was if you don't want whatever I prepared for dinner then you can have fruit and yogurt. Another "trick" is to just offer the child a very, very small serving at first. Sometimes children are overwhelmed by the sheer quantity or variety of food offered. They have smaller stomachs and more active taste buds than adults. Traditional nursery food is relatively bland and prepared to be easily eaten with spoon or fingers. The more complex the melange of the meal, the more likely some taste which the child finds objectionable will be included. For instance, most children will eat cheese on toast with sliced apple, but may scorn a slice of pizza with oregano in the sauce and mushrooms or peppers on top, or a fruit salad that includes kiwi. This is why they are sometimes not invited to join the adults at the table until they are old enough to appreciate the cook's efforts and/or engage in conversation beyond the level of knock-knock jokes. The best method to hurry this process towards sophistication is to inform the child that some food you are consuming is "Not for children. You will not like it."

Solvent
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Re: Mealtime trouble with kids

Post by Solvent »

I think that while it's mostly true that a kid won't let itself starve, it's not really useful information. Some children seem well capable of allowing themselves to eat only so little that they are undernourished. Most parents would be of the opinion that this is a bad thing.

Allowing a child to become stunted because you reason that they'll eat if they're hungry enough probably isn't the best way to go, although it's certainly one strategy to try.

steveo73
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Re: Mealtime trouble with kids

Post by steveo73 »

I have 3 kids. My two sons are pretty terrible eaters at dinner. I like that approach that you recommend but my son is 13 and gets home from school and pigs out on cereal. He then barely eats dinner and eats again at night. It honestly pisses me off but I'm not sure if there is anything I can do about it.

slog
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Re: Mealtime trouble with kids

Post by slog »

@Dragline - For sure, definitely makes it hard to know the full picture. He's a sweet kid but still very likely to have a field day if his mother gets into having a negotiation rather than providing instruction.

@7W5 That first line is really the kicker. You can't use the hunger strategy if you're just going to provide junk food. It's just making the whole thing worse. I'm not sure how most kids his age are but he's definitely still in the stage of dependency where all food is provided. I've never seen him just go get something from the kitchen. The tiny portions size is an interesting insight. I do realize that taste is a whole different ball game for the young ones. And having watched my brother I'm also sure it's prudent to allow for some concessions in diet, kids don't always boycott a food because they want to eat junkfood. The pizza is a spot on example, my brother hated tomato sauce and therefore regular pizza.

@Solvent I don't think I can immediately accept the conclusion that missing the occasional meal would stunt growth. If indeed a child was able to consistently starve themselves I completely agree this a bad thing and would not encourage the behavior. However, with the prevalence of some lifestyle diseases (diabetes and obesity) in children they may be in worse shape by being constantly awash in food. An exaggerated, but also not incomprehensible example could be the following two hypothetical days. I think options two is better as the body requires much more than calories to be healthy:
1) Breakfast: Sugary cereal. Lunch: Chicken fingers. Dinner: Chicken fingers.
2) Breakfast: Eggs Lunch: nothing. Dinner: Chicken breast and steamed carrots


@steveo73 Gosh I'm sure teenagers are beyond my imagination. I guess in your situation the only option is to control the flow of groceries but then everyone suffers equally!

Solvent
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Re: Mealtime trouble with kids

Post by Solvent »

slog wrote:If indeed a child was able to consistently starve themselves I completely agree this a bad thing and would not encourage the behavior.
I think we agree, then.
slog wrote:However, with the prevalence of some lifestyle diseases (diabetes and obesity) in children they may be in worse shape by being constantly awash in food. An exaggerated, but also not incomprehensible example could be the following two hypothetical days. I think options two is better as the body requires much more than calories to be healthy:
1) Breakfast: Sugary cereal. Lunch: Chicken fingers. Dinner: Chicken fingers.
2) Breakfast: Eggs Lunch: nothing. Dinner: Chicken breast and steamed carrots
I don't think your false dichotomy is particularly illustrative of anything.

halfmoon
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Re: Mealtime trouble with kids

Post by halfmoon »

My stepmother strictly controlled the kitchen, both as a budgeting tool and because the kitchen was where she drank and smoked. Wandering in there and taking an apple or a piece of toast was inconceivable. We lived in a rural community with no stores, so whenever we got the chance, we all bought candy and hogged it shamelessly.

I can't recall her forcing us to eat things we hated, other than requiring that we try them. Her motto was "Do your best and leave the rest."

I do recall food battles with my mother when I was younger, including sitting at the table for an hour after dinner until I ate the lima beans (or wrapped them in a napkin and buried them in the trash) and swearing that I would puke if she made me eat liver (she did, and I did).

Yet another reason I never wanted children.

slog
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Re: Mealtime trouble with kids

Post by slog »

@Solvent - Really it was only illustrating what I was targeting in my OP. The fact that I had to confirm that letting a kid starve themselves is bad was just another reminder that there is no benefit of personal history when making these online posts. An example seemed prudent to put you at ease.

@halfmoon - Sometimes I would get home from school and have the house to myself except for the dog. That picture of hostility really makes me appreciate being able to have a snack and set about whatever with impunity.

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Sclass
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Re: Mealtime trouble with kids

Post by Sclass »

Kids need to dial in. I was really sensitive to flavors as a kid. My folks called it picky eating but I think it was related to undiagnosed dyslexia and autism. My mom used to threaten me with a wooden soup spoon mumbling "eat it, eat it."

She did the same with her grandchildren. It was a shame really because I'm starting to believe picky eating as a sign of autism in my family. These kids are experiencing the food differently. The amplification and filtering on their taste sensors are not adjusted yet and the default settings are off the scales.

Personally I just out grew it. Not only did I stop gagging on cilantro, cucumbers, coconut, rye, dill, garlic, anise and cardamom seed, I now enjoy it.

Exposure helps. I had two buddies growing up who always had me over to eat with their families. One from Thailand and one from India. They really opened up my tastebuds so to speak. I tried to be polite and sample all that was offered by their moms.

Kids' brains are wonderful things. Some of the really special ones need more time to dial in.

shade-tree
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Re: Mealtime trouble with kids

Post by shade-tree »

@sclass I'm glad you mentioned picky eating as being something innate, as opposed the the usual parent-blaming hypothesis that is so popular.

My son was and is now as a young adult, a very selective eater. When he was at home, we did our best to offer a variety of healthy and interesting foods, but he just had a hard time trying certain foods. When he was a teenaget, he took responsibility for his eating and he'd make himself some pasta or a sandwich if he couldn't eat our meal.

I suspect he'll be fine eating a limited diet of things he likes, just as we all eat what we like.

ThisDinosaur
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Re: Mealtime trouble with kids

Post by ThisDinosaur »

I make a fresh bowl of fruit and some greenbeans +/- chicken accessible to my kids throughout the day for them to graze on. It seems way more effective than arguing with them over clearing their plates at culturally designated mealtimes. As an adult, I eat when I feel like it, not because of what the clock says. So I extend the same option to the kids.

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