Best practices during low points? Share your lowest lows? :(

[TopHatFox]

Hey ya'll, so, um, over the last couple of weeks, external events have had it so that I have split ways with my primary partner and all polyamours, reached complete gridlock on the orthognathic surgery insurance block, split ways with many of my close friends, realized that the school I've been going to has never fit me, realized I don't want to be in the next few months remaining of college, and...more.

These events all happened separate from one another over a period of a few weeks, and, at this point, I'm having a hard time mustering some internal resilience over the external. I'm becoming rather closed off to other people By now.

...I admit, at least I still have residency, food, savings, some will power, and other important basics.

Mind sharing some advice in dealing with lowest lows type scenarios, or some of yours?

[sky]

Time changes things, try not to burn bridges during low points.

[Dave]

I second what sky said. It is important to realize that the passage of time inevitably changes things, both for good and bad. Given the typical reversion to the mean that occurs with respect to mood, one could say that time heals wounds. To the extent you can "survive" and avoid sabotaging relationships, reversing progress towards your goals (health, wealth, career, relationships, etc.), and more generally not burn any bridges, you will come out of the other side in a better situation.

Keep your chin up, I'm wishing well for you.

[RealPerson]

That sounds like depression to me. This may be a time to see a counselor or therapist. I presume you have access to these through your school. Depression is very common, especially in college kids. And certainly nothing to be ashamed of.

[Dragline]

Yeah, +1 on sky

I also went through a crisis during college, mostly because I came to realize I had changed so much that I needed to do something different from what I thought I was going to do (and probably should have gone to a different college), but I wasn't sure what that was. And like you, some of my important personal relationships fell apart at the same time too. (In retrospect that was a one of the best things that happened to me -- those were not actually good relationships for me.) So it was ugly for awhile.

But it got better. And one of the reasons it got better is that I realized I was really starting with a clean slate. And I could do anything I wanted (as long as I could find a way to pay for it). I could go somewhere else, meet some new people and reinvent myself.

So just relax. You are just getting started.

But avoid the cognitive bias known as WYSIATI -- "What You See Is All There Is." There is more out there than you know. You just haven't seen it yet.

[Chad]

Workout. Get your heart rate up for a little while each day. It doesn't matter how. 30-60 minutes of even light exercise is always a pick-me-up and helps clear mental clouds. Plus, it always feels like you accomplished at least a little something after exercise.

Even better, exercise outside and in nature, and, if possible, around other people. All add to the pick-me-up impact of exercise.

This won't solve any problems, but it lessons their mental load.

[Ego]

Mind sharing some advice in dealing with lowest lows type scenarios, or some of yours?

A little more than two months ago Mrs. Ego was walking downtown to teach one of her healthy cooking classes at noon. As she made her way down the sidewalk with her rolling crate full of supplies she noticed a young homeless guy bent down behind a tree. She heard him say, "I hope you enjoy this," in a kind voice so she turned to see who he was speaking to. As she turned he threw a brick at the back of her head.

While turning she stepped aside and the brick missed her head but smashed into her jaw. She fell flat to the ground. The homeless guy sprinted away. Pedestrians rushed to her side. Someone flagged down a meter maid who gave chase while calling the police. A crowd gathered as she stood up and brushed herself off. She picked up the brick, reorganized the supplies for her class and began walking away. The group tried to stop her from leaving but she insisted she had a class to teach and just kept walking.

A few hours later I drove downtown to pick her up, not knowing that anything had happened. As I pulled up in front of the center, the staff was helping her with her supplies. She handed me the brick and told me the story. Her face was swollen, bruised and scraped. She explained that when she had arrived at the facility she told the manager what had happened. They insisted she postpone the class, call the police, call me, go to the hospital... all the things normal, rational people would suggest.

She refused and insisted they say nothing to the senior-citizen participants of her class. Once the class started, she held an ice pack to her face while the seniors chopped fruit and made the salad. She told the seniors she had tripped on her way to class.

In the weeks since it happened we've talked a lot about the randomness of it and the unusual way she reacted. Over the years we've experienced a few very extremely challenging events and have, all things considered, weathered them fairly well. When I asked her what she was thinking by not waiting for the police and ambulance, she said she knew that the aftermath would be more traumatic than the assault itself. She was hurt, but not seriously. Nothing was broken. Her jaw still worked. She was alive.

Later she talked about the fact that she was unable to control what had happened, but she could control how she responded. That one fact alone gave her strength. She kept the brick for a day but eventually threw it in the trash.

Today we walked past the spot. She joked about keeping an eye out for flying bricks.

I haven't asked her... but I'm confident that she would tell you to get up, dust yourself off and keep moving forward.

[SavingWithBabies]

I went through a dark spot a while ago. Looking back, mild to medium depression spread over months if not years. I woke up late one day, turned on the TV and 9/11 was happening. That was somehow a catalyst for me to change my life. I moved a state away to live with my brother and went back to college. Turned everything around by changing my daily life. Today, high income (got lucky what I loved turned out to be a high paying field), married, kid and happy.

Earlier this this year I was fired from a job. I saw it coming and warned my wife it was coming. I didn't deserve it but I did exert myself more than I have in the past in standing up for myself. I'm proud of how I acted. However the whole experience was a rollercoaster. For a couple of weeks, I questioned almost everything. I came out the other side stronger. No major changes in my life. Moved on to another job. Everything is fine.

I think the second time around things went much better in terms of time because I had someone close to me (my spouse) that I could talk to. To explain my thinking and have them point out the flaws. Believing in yourself can at times be hard. Sometimes you need that outside perspective to ensure what you see is reality. That experience earlier this year shook me up because I saw it all coming and it actually happened exactly like I thought it would.

My best practice is talking to someone I can trust.

[BRUTE]

Olaz' choices are half chance. so are everybody else's.

also brute has heard great things about heroin.

[IlliniDave]

This won't be much comfort, but the lowest of lows can be much lower.

You sort of touched on one of the ways I look at things. When you view life from the outside in you wind up seeing yourself boxed in by circumstance and lacking the ability to take meaningful action. When you view life from the inside out you see there is much space remaining on the page for you to write.

Along the lines of what Ego said, there is an old Japanese proverb: fall seven times, stand up eight.

A not so old iDave proverb: Get out of bed in the morning, and from where your feet hit the floor, make the best of the day. The idea that underlies that is dwelling on/lugging around the past and the coulda-woulda-shouldas and the mistakes and the injustices and the random face-kicks courtesy of the universe is burdensome. Without trivializing it, accept the past, let go of it, then to the best of your ability accept the present and keep your attention there. Wounds don't go away but many of them heal.

[ducknalddon]

also brute has heard great things about heroin.

I'm hoping you said that in jest but even then it isn't an appropriate message to someone who appears to be vulnerable at the moment.

[ducknalddon]

That sounds like depression to me. This may be a time to see a counselor or therapist. I presume you have access to these through your school. Depression is very common, especially in college kids. And certainly nothing to be ashamed of.

+1

[7Wannabe5]

You might be suffering from some degree of fear of success. When I was in elementary school, I finished the entire reading program. So, as my "reward", I was assigned the task of tutoring two very slow boys named Carl and Carl. Much later in life, I realized that a few early experiences like this had made me wary of striving to achieve plateaus presented by those in authority. Another perspective that can cause fear of success is thinking that you know how the game will end, so you become too bored to proceed even if you are certain to win. Sometimes in a complex situation, fear of success can be so inter-tangled with fear of failure that it is very difficult to determine what "cure" is appropriate.

I mention this as a possibility, because in retrospect, it was most relevant in my 20s when I was supposed to be making all my major adult life decisions. With my current perspective, 30 years further down the road than you, comes the realization that there are very few decision leading to lock-in that you aren't likely to outlive. So, whether or not you wrap up your studies and receive your degree is not the huge deal that people just a bit further down the road might indicate, but IMO it is worth doing a few more months in rote mode just to avoid a certain level of annoyance factor. If you don't do it, it will be like constantly having to explain to people that you don't have a middle name.

[Dragline]

Olaz' choices are half chance. so are everybody else's.

Great book I read about this concept recently (but it doesn't really address the OP): https://www.amazon.com/dp/B00A07FR4W/re ... TF8&btkr=1

"In most domains of life, skill and luck seem hopelessly entangled. Different levels of skill and varying degrees of good and bad luck are the realities that shape our lives—yet few of us are adept at accurately distinguishing between the two. Imagine what we could accomplish if we were able to tease out these two threads, examine them, and use the resulting knowledge to make better decisions.

In this provocative book, Michael Mauboussin helps to untangle these intricate strands to offer the structure needed to analyze the relative importance of skill and luck. He offers concrete suggestions for making these insights work to your advantage. Once we understand the extent to which skill and luck contribute to our achievements, we can learn to deal with them in making decisions."

[sky]

The things that have worked for me to get out of a low are exercise, organizing my kitchen and living area, and eating a good meal.

[GandK]

+1 @sky.

Controlling the things in your life that it makes sense from a positivity standpoint to try to control, and using your minimalist tendencies on/within yourself to truly let go of what you cannot or should not control, will yield the life peace that IME is the breeding ground for happiness.

This strategy has worked for me thus far through such storms as marital infidelity, family addictions, divorce, death of a child, and managing a chronic illness. I expect it will see me through any other life hurricanes I encounter just as well.

Specifically, in your case, I would now:

Choose a (new) life destination.
Make a plan to get there.
Let go of any hindrances.

[Gilberto de Piento]

Things will get better. Finish college. Keep moving forward.

[OTCW]

Things will get better. Finish college. Keep moving forward.

That's it.

[TopHatFox]

You all are the best :,)

I've turned some of the pain into initiation. I talked with my primary partner and we're back together. I'm also trying to see if I can study "abroad" in her college (Wesleyan!)--which I honestly should've transfered to, since it fits me so much better than Amherst. Sadly the norm is that you can't do that your last semester, but maybe an honest essay e-mail to a dean can change that. For the surgery, I suppose I'll just get some bonding on worn teeth and wear a guard w/o excuses until I can fix it a year or two from now. The friends probably weren't a good fit long term anyway, so maybe that was a good thing. I simply want to graduate so I can move forward from from the Tutorial of the Game of Life called academia. I suppose that's what I'll focus on.

[Ego]

I just want to graduate so I can get away from the Tutorial of the Game of Life called academia.

Spoiler alert. It is all a tutorial of the game of life.