Tinder, OKcupid, other sites? Polyamorous relationships?

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Olaz
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Tinder, OKcupid, other sites? Polyamorous relationships?

Post by Olaz » Mon Jan 18, 2016 9:44 pm

I'm a bit annoyed by my relationships as of late, because I'd like more intimacy with polyamorous people, rather than curious monogamous people with annoyed partners. Barking up the wrong tree and all that (_(

Have any of you tried social media sites like OKcupid or Tinder to have your physical and emotional intimacy needs met, whether casually or committedly?

Do any of you use polyamory or some other open relationship style? Please share tips if you do! I didn't think there'd be so many misconceptions and a minority of people who are poly, but oh, 'tis true! Combined with bicuriousness and ERE principles, it makes me quite the eccentric catch.
Last edited by Olaz on Mon Jan 18, 2016 10:31 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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C40
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Re: Tinder, OKcupid? Polyamorous relationships?

Post by C40 » Mon Jan 18, 2016 10:18 pm

Warning: I typed this on my phone

I've used both tinder and OK Cupid. Tinder has a full range of people. That includes some polyamorous but probably not a significantly larger % than the full population.

OK Cupid has a much higher percentage of weird people than tinder. It attracts introverts, nerds, weirdos, and people who really want to look smart. I believe you can select polyamory in one of the settings and I believe this means you can search for plolyamorous people. Ok Cupid is also interesting because you can look at a person's answers to a ton of interesting questions (there are thousands of questions, though only some answe more than a hundred or so). Seeing all these little details before you even message a person can be a bad thing in some ways though.

The big strength that Tinder has is the matching. OK Cupid has a sort of matching system, but you can also message anyone and everyone. This means to start contact with a good portion of the women there, you have to send initial messages (without them matching with you in any way). And also, attractive women get overloaded with messages there. So even if they would've wanted to talk to you, they may not slog through all their messages well enough to do so.

As far as tips:
- Figure out what good pictures are and use good pictures of yourself. (Attractive pictures. Be Well dressed (just not at all slobbish really). Look natural in them. They should be showing your personality.
- Advertise the attractive parts of your uniqueness. Do it in a way that is intriguing rather than bragging/annoying. if you're looking for more than just sex, you're probably looking for specific types of people - and maybe fairly uncommon ones. So rather than making yourself look normal and you having to filter the women/men, advertise your uniqueness and let them come to you. Again - it needs to be good part! I'll share an easy example relating to me. Not "I'm moving out of my house into a white cargo van" but rather "I'm building a van to live in while I go on adventures all around the U.S."

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Re: Tinder, OKcupid, other sites? Polyamorous relationships?

Post by 7Wannabe5 » Tue Jan 19, 2016 7:15 pm

I've been using dating sites, off and on, for around 9 years. I've been practicing solo polyamory or consensual non-monogamy for around 6 months. Like everything else on the internet, the way the dating sites function keeps changing. They used to be half cotillion and half mosh pit, now they are more like 90% mosh pit. Nowadays almost everybody is using a phone app, no matter what site they choose. So, if you are female, when you logon to the phone app, it's kind of like walking into a party wearing a tight red t-shirt when you were 19 because your picture pops up to the front of the screen or queue. So, if I wanted to date somebody new this weekend, I could logon this evening and stay logged in for an hour or two while I was watching TV or whatever. Various men would start sending me messages. Many I would choose to ignore, but there would probably be a few who were attractive enough to message back. Then after I logged off my picture would still sort of linger at the party for a while, so for the next few hours I would still be getting a lot of messages from different men which I might or might not reply to at my leisure. I would note that I am 50 years old and only moderately attractive. So, my advice to anybody who is striving to function more as fisherman than bait would be to make your first message courteous and clearly indicative of the fact that you actually read her profile. It should not be too sexual or too sickeningly sweet. It becomes confusing if a man keeps messaging you without indicating a clear desire to meet you in person. So, cut to the chase and form the frame. Something like "I would really like the opportunity to talk with you some more about (shared interest.) Are you available to meet me for coffee this Saturday afternoon at whatever cafe would be most convenient for you? " is easy to accept and hard to turn down.

I don't describe myself as polyamorous on dating sites because I am solo (do not have and am not seeking a primary and/or domestic partner) polyamorous, and it's just easier or less confusing to choose/filter not to date men who are clearly indicating that they are seriously seeking for their next one and only. I'm theoretically open to taking on a third paramour, so I kept my dating profile open, but I hardly ever even check in on my messages.

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Olaz
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Re: Tinder, OKcupid, other sites? Polyamorous relationships?

Post by Olaz » Thu Mar 02, 2017 2:47 pm

Man, perhaps it's time to revisit this thread. I am skeptical of the efficacy of social media, but it doesn't look like I have much of a choice dating wise.

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Re: Tinder, OKcupid, other sites? Polyamorous relationships?

Post by C40 » Thu Mar 02, 2017 3:05 pm

There's also Bumble, which you probably know about (And is just like Tinder, but probably a little bit better)

There's also Fetlife, which may work well for finding polyamorous people. The site is annoying to use though, it's hard to actually use to find/browse people. Someone in the know (who worked for them) told me they made the site that way on purpose to try to make it more of a social networking site than a dating site.

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Re: Tinder, OKcupid, other sites? Polyamorous relationships?

Post by scriptbunny » Thu Mar 02, 2017 8:49 pm

I'm a serial monogamist so take my advice with a grain of salt.

I met my boyfriend on OKC. Back when I was on it they had questions you would answer and they would compute a 1-100 score for you vs. potential matches. Personally speaking, I found their algorithm to be dead on. Clearly ymmv.

+1 to all of C40's advice, but in particular this:
Advertise the attractive parts of your uniqueness. Do it in a way that is intriguing rather than bragging/annoying. if you're looking for more than just sex, you're probably looking for specific types of people - and maybe fairly uncommon ones. So rather than making yourself look normal and you having to filter the women/men, advertise your uniqueness and let them come to you.
Some things you put may be disqualifying for 99.9% of people, but at the end of the day those people don't matter if you're looking for a deep relationship, just the 0.01% you will really get along with. Then again, I was looking for one primary-only capital-R Relationship. You may be looking to cast a wider net.

Along that vein, though, I'd be very explicit about being poly on whatever sites you're on. I've seen too many monogamous friends date poly people, not know until the first date the other person is poly, try to work it out because there was a spark when they met only to have it go down in flames for everyone a few months later. Best to let people know what they're getting into ahead of time.

As for meeting folks in meatspace: Have you tried going to local folk dancing events? Out here in the eastern part of the state, there's a non-trivial overlap between the poly and contra communities.
Last edited by scriptbunny on Thu Mar 02, 2017 10:08 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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Re: Tinder, OKcupid, other sites? Polyamorous relationships?

Post by Olaz » Thu Mar 02, 2017 9:00 pm

scriptbunny wrote:Along that vein, though, I'd be very explicit about being poly on whatever sites you're on. I've seen too many monogamous friends date poly people, not know until the first date the other person is poly, try to work it out because there was a spark when they met only to have it go down in flames for everyone a few months later. Best to let people know what they're getting into ahead of time.
Try meeting someone that wants to try polyamory because you love one another, you think you have the absolute best relationship for a year with lots of growth and processing, and then , ultimately, you find out that they'd often been omitting how you sharing about other partners makes them feel irreconcilably poorly, and that their friends have been trying to break you up with them for months. Oh, and that's right before they break up with you and hop on a bus a day early to the arms of a partner you congratulated them on getting to know. A week later, they then tell you they feel totally great as your half-dead, friend-zoned heart misses a beat. The great irony: one of their biggest fears was that you might replace them with one of your partners.

Yeah,some monogamous people can be great sometimes.
Last edited by Olaz on Thu Mar 02, 2017 11:07 pm, edited 7 times in total.

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Re: Tinder, OKcupid, other sites? Polyamorous relationships?

Post by Scott 2 » Thu Mar 02, 2017 9:29 pm

Sounds like an age old difference between the sexes to me. I doubt you'll find women more accepting of this as you get older.

Not saying they aren't out there, but I find it hard to believe such an open minded lady would need to bother with online dating. The ratios are heavily skewed in her favor.

I don't know how broad your tastes are, but you might have better luck with men.

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Re: Tinder, OKcupid, other sites? Polyamorous relationships?

Post by scriptbunny » Thu Mar 02, 2017 9:46 pm

I'm sorry to hear about your breakup. I did not mean for my comment to be critical towards poly people or of your relationship in particular, though I can understand how it could be read that way.

I think we're describing the same relationship dynamic from different perspectives. It is not your fault for being poly. It is not her fault for being monogamous. At the end of the day it is rare for such a relationship to work out. But that doesn't stop monogamous people from trying to "make it work," toxically suppressing their feelings (to the detriment of themselves and their partner) in order to stay in a relationship with a poly person that they like. Better to filter those folks out before you meet, before they get it in their heads that there's a "spark", before they convince themselves they can change their monogamous leanings, etc.
Scott 2 wrote: Not saying they aren't out there, but I find it hard to believe such an open minded lady would need to bother with online dating.
N=1, but poly female friend met her poly husband on OKC. Not saying it's common, but it happens.

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Re: Tinder, OKcupid, other sites? Polyamorous relationships?

Post by bryan » Thu Mar 02, 2017 10:03 pm

yeah, give mmf relationships a go :D Maybe find your BF first and then the two of you can bring a female into the fold? Or did you just want a more typical relationship plus the openness for either person to have one night stands or friends w/ benefits or swinging? I'm curious how a strictly gay guy would respond to a proposition that you want to sleep with females too.. maybe you need a roommate w/ benefits situation (but it doesn't really solve the monogamy issue).

Would like to see statistics on how long-term couples met.. OKC has got to be one of the main ones.. seems like more than half the couples my age met through it (unless that is a cover story for having met on Tinder).

Also, obligatory advice: there are many fish in the sea and you should swim around for a while..

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Re: Tinder, OKcupid, other sites? Polyamorous relationships?

Post by Olaz » Thu Mar 02, 2017 10:27 pm

@scriptbunny: You're good, I'm just venting.

I'm definitely now seeing the poly/mono divide as being gay/straight. I might make a journal-like post like these to see how I can learn from this previous relationship. This article seems apt for me to move on:

http://www.polyamorousmisanthrope.com/2 ... -to-do-it/

-----------------------------------------

Anyway, I've tried being comfortable/sexual with men before, but I didn't feel much emotionally. I'm thinking I'm polyamorous, cisgendered, and heterosexual/heteroflexible (cuddling, kissing). I have gotten hit on by many men before though - too bad I suppose. All of them seemed/explicitly asked for only sex. Meanwhile, I definitely want to at least form an affectionate close friendship with people; I have not valued or even really enjoyed short-term "hooking up" with people in the past.

I think it's a great idea for me to try OKCupid, particularly since I choose not to use FB and Tinder requires FB. I further think trying to form a connection with only experienced polyamorous people will be refreshing from the many "hide the fact that he's poly from friends and family" or "this isn't working out after the third month" people I've met or spent some life with. Ideally, someone that wants a primary form relationship with me would be great. I'll get to seeking...

--------------------------------------------

Edit: this might be the 11 o'clock all-nighter coffee speaking, but I feel better already!

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Re: Tinder, OKcupid, other sites? Polyamorous relationships?

Post by Olaz » Sun Mar 05, 2017 12:58 pm

Guess who's getting lots of attention on OKC. Yay!~~~

Many of the alternative weirdos are coming out of the woodwork for moi.<3<3<3

Validation can be like a drug sometimes, something to be wary of. Let's see what happens when I meet some of these interesting people in person!

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Re: Tinder, OKcupid, other sites? Polyamorous relationships?

Post by FrugalFred » Sun Mar 05, 2017 4:40 pm

I never had any success on OkCupid/POF/Tinder, and I'm reasonably good looking. Of course if you're some kind of Adonis, I guess those sites can work.

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Re: Tinder, OKcupid, other sites? Polyamorous relationships?

Post by 7Wannabe5 » Sun Mar 05, 2017 8:29 pm

Olaz said: I'm definitely now seeing the poly/mono divide as being gay/straight.
I don't view them as similar dichotomies. I think poly/mono is much more influenced by social and/or "economic" (broadly defined) factors. In fact, the mental exercise I performed when I decided to practice polyamory was I just told myself to pretend like the socially commended norm was to have 3 lovers. Then, for me, it really didn't end up being any different than serial monogamy except with a different time/space pattern. Roughly analogous to reading 3 books in a row vs. reading 3 books at the same time.

I also thought it might be difficult to practice polyamory since I tend towards femme submissive, and the stereotype is that a dominant has more partners. But, I told myself it could just be like having a cute boss at my part-time job, a sexy professor for a course I was taking, and occasionally being kidnapped by a pirate within the same or overlapping time periods. That worked pretty well too until all 3 of them wanted more of my life-energy-hours then I wanted to give to any/all relationships. Then it all came crashing down around me, and left me with one monogamous BF, one friend-no-longer-lover, and one still madly in love with me from a distance. My BF and I still sometimes talk about maybe being polyamorous again, but we are mostly too lazy.

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