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How to up your EQ?

Posted: Thu Apr 20, 2017 3:26 pm
by ThisDinosaur
Other people are a black box to me. I'm frequently caught off guard by reactions to things I say and do. When conflicts with others aren't resolved easily, I tend to just find a way to work around them. This is usually perceived as arrogant and condescending. Then things get unpleasant.

I know the Myers Briggs test is popular around here, and its useful for the insight that other people think "differently." But the thought of trying to ID the MB "type" of everyone I meet and trying to remember the correct rules of engagement seems....exhausting.

Have you ever read anything/got any useful insight/resources that changed the way you approach interpersonal communication? Most of what I can find on the topic of EQ or empathy is either not evidence based, not actionable, or doesn't speak to my analytical-type thinking.

Re: How to up your EQ?

Posted: Thu Apr 20, 2017 3:45 pm
by Dragline
You might find this to be useful: http://www.scienceofsuccess.co/show-not ... el-goleman

There are links to more resources/books there as well.

Re: How to up your EQ?

Posted: Thu Apr 20, 2017 7:02 pm
by George the original one
ThisDinosaur wrote:
Thu Apr 20, 2017 3:26 pm
I know the Myers Briggs test is popular around here, and its useful for the insight that other people think "differently." But the thought of trying to ID the MB "type" of everyone I meet and trying to remember the correct rules of engagement seems....exhausting.
I don't bother trying to "type" people beyond whether their logic makes sense to me or not. If not, if they think "differently", then I merely remember that and tread more carefully if I need to interact with them. In a few cases, like a coworker I had, I made it a point to ask her whether what I was doing made sense to her or if she had a different opinion/reaction... the feedback from someone who thinks differently is useful even if you end up still going in your own direction.

The ground rules for her and I were that we understood we think very differently and to not make that a pressure point, rather we acknowledged it and confirmed that we wouldn't use the difference to berate each other. It led to us freely butting heads in the office, but we had built enough trust in each other that it was okay.

There were a couple others who could not establish that trust with me. They kept trying to undercut me when I wasn't present and that gets old.

Re: How to up your EQ?

Posted: Thu Apr 20, 2017 7:23 pm
by 7Wannabe5
Based on your report of the reactions you often receive from others, I would suggest that you might want to observe how often you verbalize in the form of a command or instruction. People who only speak when necessary sometime define "necessary" as something like "when I need to tell another person what to do." You won't get credit for all the many times you don't deem it necessary to communicate with another person, you will be judged on the percentage of your speech which is pleasant. Since most people prefer to self-direct, instructions are not deemed to be pleasant.

Re: How to up your EQ?

Posted: Thu Apr 20, 2017 8:24 pm
by scriptbunny
One of my bosses made all his employees read Difficult Conversations, and I'm glad he did. I've found it really helpful in identifying good practices for handling interpersonal conflict and creating constructive dialogue. It's a short, easy read and very actionable.

Re: How to up your EQ?

Posted: Tue Apr 25, 2017 9:22 am
by ThisDinosaur
Thank you for those resources. Difficult Conversations is very much the sort of thing i was looking for. Particularly the stuff about Impact vs. Intent. Seems useful, but i won't know until I have a few opportunities to try it out.

@7Wb5, that is almost certainly part of what is going on. I minimize interactions with people I'm likely to clash with, which means I only address them when I need something. My impression has been that some people simply enjoy drama, while I don't find it useful. Its likely that that view is too simplistic.

Re: How to up your EQ?

Posted: Tue Apr 25, 2017 12:32 pm
by BRUTE
practice. humans with a good EQ can sense the emotional state of other humans very well and calibrate to it. this is probably subconscious in most of them, but it is possible to learn consciously and then internalize to make it subconscious.

lots of social interaction in general will help improve both the sensitivity and the calibration part of this skill set.

Re: How to up your EQ?

Posted: Tue Apr 25, 2017 1:35 pm
by ThisDinosaur
Practice is talked about in Dragline's link. Discussed as "strengthening neural connections." But its not spelled out enough for me *what* to practice. I practiced lots when I pretended to be an extrovert for a few years for my career. I've reached a point now where the ROI in terms of career advancement is not worth the effort.

Also something I noticed; Goleman (Dragline's link) says getting your negative feelings out does not ease them, it exacerbates them. Stone (scriptbunny's book) says unreleased emotions fester and influence toxic behavior. Anecdotally, both seem like they could be true. I'm better when I bottle my anger like a good Irishman than try to "ventilate". But I also recently eased a conflict with no resolution by simply showing I understood why the other person was mad at me.

Re: How to up your EQ?

Posted: Tue Apr 25, 2017 3:56 pm
by James_0011
Take psychedelics and/or smoke weed with atleast one other person.