Learn to be More Demanding?

[Gilberto de Piento]

Does anyone have recommendations for how to become more "demanding"? I find that I'm way too willing to put up with bad circumstances for myself in order to not inconvenience someone else or make them think I am a pain or whatever. This includes small situations (let's say I received a dirty glass of water at a restaurant - I would probably just not drink it rather than ask for a new one) and big situations (if I wasn't getting paid as much as others doing the same job I probably would have a hard time asking for a raise).

I think I need something like cognitive behavioural therapy where I practice asking for things with limited consequences. I don't think the problem rises to the level of going to a therapist though. Maybe some sort of Tim Ferriss inspired training (see four hour workweek where he lays on the floor in public places) where I start asking for things that are within reason but that I ordinarily wouldn't ask for?

I don't want to become a jerk though. Let me know if you've had this problem or if you have suggestions.

[GandK]

I've had the same problem.

By and large I have to think through it in this fashion: "How much does this issue irritate me? How much do I stand to lose by staying quiet? If I address this with the person(s) who could change it, what is the worst thing that could possibly happen? What's the most likely thing? How much would each of those irritate me, and for what sort of gain?"

At that point the issue becomes a math problem. It's easier for me to maintain the distance I need in a confrontation when I've decided ahead of time that confrontation is the most reasonable thing. Always better to sort things out that way than to engage in emotional in-the-moment decision making. Even (especially?) for those of us with a Feeling preference.

[steveo73]

I don't like being difficult but I've found if people are difficult I'm getting better at flipping the situation and being difficult in return. I actually like this. I don't like being a dick (or difficult) with people that are fair and reasonable with me. If they are difficult then I don't mind returning serve.

So my advice is when people are difficult then its okay to do it back.

I'll give one recent example to give some perspective. We own our house but we pay community fees to have the front yard mowed. Its a waste of money but there is no real choice and the fees aren't really bad. Anyway they keep sending us letters to fix something in our house and I'm not paying for anything excessive. They sent us something like 8 letters last year and are now threatening taking us to court. I've looked up the law and they have pushed the boundaries with their threats and even their demands so I am asking for a tonne of stuff back in return from them and being difficult. I've told them that they are not complying with the law and I expect action taken from the community committee. I've given them a bunch of work they have to do prior to me talking to them and even if I do talk with them I'm going to ask for my fees refunded and guarantees that this doesn't occur again. I'm basically being unreasonable but they have been completely unreasonable as well.

[Peanut]

Does anyone have recommendations for how to become more "demanding"? I find that I'm way too willing to put up with bad circumstances for myself in order to not inconvenience someone else or make them think I am a pain or whatever. This includes small situations (let's say I received a dirty glass of water at a restaurant - I would probably just not drink it rather than ask for a new one) and big situations (if I wasn't getting paid as much as others doing the same job I probably would have a hard time asking for a raise).

I think I need something like cognitive behavioural therapy where I practice asking for things with limited consequences.

It's an interesting problem if you don't mind my saying so, but are you sure you know what underlies this reluctance to ask for things? Your use of the word "demand" in the first place puzzles me because a demand implies a hostile "do this or else" attitude. Unless you threaten to quit when you ask for a raise, it's not a demand, it's a request. In the water example it's actually an order but masked as a polite request. Part of the problem may be you misperceive what you are doing when you are trying to get someone to do something for you?

Also consider a different way of thinking about such interactions. In general, I assume people want to help me because I enjoy helping people. Similarly if it's my job to be your waitress or your boss I want to do it well, and your requests give me an opportunity to do it better.

Your strategy of practicing asking for things with limited consequences seems good. And if for some reason someone thinks you're a jerk but you know you're not, try not to let that opinion affect you.

[chenda]

I find I have learnt to put up with less bullshit as I've got older. Sometimes I think back to when I was younger and wonder why the fuck I tolerated curtain people's behaviour. You can take it too far, but been overly tolerant of unreasonableness is more costly than under tolerant, imo.

[Peanut]

So my advice is when people are difficult then its okay to do it back.

+1 And with such people, difficult behavior is the only thing they will respect.

Great story about the housing committee. I've similarly clashed with my condo neighbor. At first I let this mega-annoying woman get to me, now I just take a perverse joy in foiling her plans.

[Gilberto de Piento]

Part of the problem may be you misperceive what you are doing when you are trying to get someone to do something for you?

You may be right. I think I'm often too "Minnesota nice." I try too hard to avoid even the possibility of conflict, even when conflict is very unlikely.

[enigmaT120]

I enjoy conflict, though I prefer physical to social. But I think it makes me a worse person and try to not be like that. I tell myself it's better to suffer evil than to commit it, and sometimes I listen.

I don't think asking for a clean water glass is being overly demanding, nor does it even count as conflict.

[pukingRainbows]

It might help if you reframe the idea of what you want to achieve.
Being demanding sounds inherently negative and makes it seem like you think you are being unreasonable.
Given the situations you've described it sounds like you are just trying to be more open, honest and assertive about what you want from other people.
Also, being demanding seems to assume a confrontation is about to take place, which may not be the best mindset for making a request.

[SimpleLife]

Pulling Your Own Strings. Read it.

[Gilberto de Piento]

It's at the library, I'll pick it up tonight. Thanks!

[jacob]

IMHO, it's only worth it to be demanding in certain situations; whether that's getting a raise, a clean glass, or your half of the sidewalk.

I like Cipolla's framework which has been discussed a few times before in various threads, so the trick is to identify who you're dealing with in a given situation:
Naive people (lose-win): Ask. Explain.
Intelligent people (win-win): Suggest. Negotiate. Improve.
Bandits (win-lose): Confront. Demand.
Stupid people (lose-lose): Avoid. Avoid. Avoid.

[Gilberto de Piento]

Thanks for the framework, it was entertaining and informative at the same time. The original article appears to be here http://www.extremistvector.com/content/stupid.html

I shouldn't have used the word "demanding." pukingRainbows description

open, honest and assertive about what you want from other people

is more correct.

[steveo73]

So my advice is when people are difficult then its okay to do it back.

+1 And with such people, difficult behavior is the only thing they will respect.

Great story about the housing committee. I've similarly clashed with my condo neighbor. At first I let this mega-annoying woman get to me, now I just take a perverse joy in foiling her plans.

I should add to this story. They came back to me after I told them that the service we were being provided was terrible stating that a phone call between us could resolve everything. This is after threatening us with court on multiple occasions. My response was that I wanted my fees reimbursed.

I'm not going to play these people's games on their terms anymore and since I haven't been things seem to be going a lot better.

[SimpleLife]

The book I recommended is perfect fo this. It teaches you how to be assertive and how to change your thinking about society and your role in it.

I myself need to read it again. It teaches you to stand up to emoloyers, clerks, yourself and much more.

It almost has an ERE theme to it. It tells you to shrugg off what everyone else wants and how to live your life to make YOU happy.

[Gilberto de Piento]

I read the book. Thanks for the recommendation, it was helpful. It was a little dated in places but provided some specific skills to work on and a positive overall message.

I've been practicing asking for things that I feel I am reasonably entitled to. I'm getting more used to it. Some requests have worked out, others not.

[brighteye]

I would recommend this book: "When I say no, I feel guilty" http://www.amazon.com/When-Say-No-Feel- ... 0553263900
Now I have just finished it yesterday, so I haven't put the techniques in practice, but I am starting today.
I am not eloquent at all so I think having a technique at hand will help me a lot. Up until now, I thought I needed good arguments to get what I want. Nope, just say what you want and be persistent.