Best break-up Advice?

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Olaz
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Best break-up Advice?

Post by Olaz » Tue Mar 14, 2017 8:00 am

What's the best way to deal with a hard break up? (one year together, she initiated the split) I've been through other issues--the one's lower on Maslow's hierarchy--but nothing quite as painful as this.

Actions I've regretted taking are: calling too early (emotions still high on both ends), calling to no answer twice, and texting a few times afterwards to no reply. Things I've felt better after doing include: deleting her number and all traces of it and giving it to a friend, and then focusing on my life and new relationships. I can't even imagine what a divorce or multi-year relationship split must be like. Let alone with children or intermingled assets.

Spartan_Warrior
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Re: Best break-up Advice?

Post by Spartan_Warrior » Tue Mar 14, 2017 8:23 am

Sorry about your break-up. Sounds like you've already got the right ideas, actually. Most likely her mind is made up at this point. So, your options are to truly accept that it's over or cling to hope that she'll change her mind. For most of us in a grieving situation, denial will naturally come before acceptance. Luckily, the solution is the same no matter what: No contact. If it's over, it's over. Move on with your life and other relationships.

It's a horrible, horrible plan to keep any hope alive that she will ever change her mind, and I would encourage you to crush such hopes ASAP--in fact, I say this only to appeal to where I believe you are in the grieving process--but that said, the only way she would possibly change her mind now is if she started missing you. Smothering her with contact and desperation can do absolutely no good whatsoever.

So let her miss you--preferably more than you miss her.

No contact. Get yourself a rebound date as soon as possible and start having fun.

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Gilberto de Piento
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Re: Best break-up Advice?

Post by Gilberto de Piento » Tue Mar 14, 2017 8:26 am

Accept that things are going to suck for awhile but also recognize that things will get better with time. It may seem inconceivable now but you will meet someone else.

The reddit advice of "hit the gym, lawyer up, delete facebook" is not the worst (lawyer probably not needed in this case though). Exercise gives you something else to work on, can take up a lot of time, gets body chemicals going that will make you feel better, makes you tired. Staying away from facebook (and other social media) can be good because the last thing you want right now is to see the ex having a great time with her new boyfriend.

Depending on your personality you can find someone to rebound with or ignore dating entirely to focus on other projects.

I also heard advice one time that you get one bottle or one case of beer if you feel like you need to drink. Buy your bottle, get drunk, when that amount is gone you're done. No drunken wallowing every day.

I'm no expert, just my thoughts.

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TheRedHare
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Re: Best break-up Advice?

Post by TheRedHare » Tue Mar 14, 2017 9:57 am

Sorry to hear that man. I went through a similar situation a few years ago. We are around the same age, so I think I can understand how you must feel.

When my ex and I split, I was pretty upset and blamed myself for quite a lot of things....even things that were not my fault what so ever. It's kinda hard to describe what sort of emotions I was going through because I was all over the place. My guess is that you are also going through a similar rollercoster of emotions: you are angry about the situation and at her, your sad and can't really comprehend what just happened, and you are probably going to sulk over the kinder memories you had with her. This list goes on..

The biggest thing of advice I can give you is
1. Stop texting her, don't say anything at all because it not only makes you seem desperate, but it also drivers her further away so it's no use at all. If she really wants to come back (and I would not get your hopes up) she will reach out to you....you can't convince her.

2. You don't have to delete her on facebook or another social media platform. There is an option on facebook that allows you to hide someone so you can't see any of there posts or anything. This will help in the issue of possibly seeing her with some other dude having "the time of her life" or whatever. I know it sounds weird but girls will actually look to see how you dealt with ex's...and if they notice that you just cut people off completely they will be skeptical of your emotional stability.

3. Allow yourself to be sad. Go listen to some sad music, look at photos of "the good times" and whatever else. Denying that you are sad is absurd...you're a human, and therefore have the right to feel whatever you want. I see friends that refuse to admit that they were heartbroken and pretend to be all like "oh I don't give a shit...she was hoe anyway and I knew it all along". Once you get it out of your system you will feel much better.

4. After you allow yourself to be sad for a few days or a week.....get the hell out of the damn room! Go spend time with close friends and just enjoy the good company. If you are up for it, see if you can get a date or something...this makes things much easier. Start doing or working on things that you were holding off on, this will make you feel productive and give you the sense that you have moved forward. Again, I've seen guys that did not recover fully from a super hard breakup and they didn't move on with their lives....not that you are the type, but just saying.

That about covers it my man. Stay frosty

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vexed87
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Re: Best break-up Advice?

Post by vexed87 » Tue Mar 14, 2017 10:10 am

Try your best to recognise and move on from the anger and denial phases of grief as they have the most potential to backfire and make you look the fool. It's ok to have these emotions, but simple methods of deleting social media connections, phone numbers and having other projects to work on all helped me avoid losing face when I might have done or said something I later regretted.

In the early days, there were times when I regretted cutting off completely from a former lover, but I think it made moving on a simpler affair. I never wanted to retain friendship. I didn't see the point. I must admit, curiosity occasionally got the better of me and I used friend's social media accounts to check-up on a particular ex, but that was more to do with the nature of the breakup and my personal insecurities, rather than a burning desire to reconnect.

We've all been there, it sucked, but we moved on and were stronger and wiser for it. Don't beat yourself up about what you did or did not do. Just observe your emotions and learn from them. There's no right or wrong in this situation. Do what feels best.

Campitor
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Re: Best break-up Advice?

Post by Campitor » Tue Mar 14, 2017 11:47 am

Your best friend is keeping mentally engaged in other things and keeping busy. The worst time is night time when you're mind isn't being engaged which is why I recommend trying to fall asleep to a soothing podcast that keeps you engaged but not awake. The other option is to workout like crazy so when you hit the bed, you fall asleep instantly. After a few weeks you will have trained your mind to think on things other than her.

IlliniDave
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Re: Best break-up Advice?

Post by IlliniDave » Tue Mar 14, 2017 12:15 pm

Time is really the only thing that will heal it. Keep yourself busy in the meantime. Really no quick fix.

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Ego
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Re: Best break-up Advice?

Post by Ego » Tue Mar 14, 2017 12:20 pm

How to Lose Weight in Four Easy Steps
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9mbp0DugfCA

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vexed87
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Re: Best break-up Advice?

Post by vexed87 » Tue Mar 14, 2017 3:09 pm

:lol:

Scott 2
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Re: Best break-up Advice?

Post by Scott 2 » Tue Mar 14, 2017 3:40 pm

It's perfectly normal and healthy to have pain after a loss. Consider what is you are mourning though.

The person you cared for doesn't really exist - that person wouldn't have made the break.

If you "won" her back, the relationship would have a permanent power imbalance. There is no returning to what was.

The break does challenge some values you hold about relationships. How sustainable is polyamory? Is it possible another person will care about you more than themselves? Having your world view challenged so strongly is painful.

It never feels good to be rejected either.

Some of the things you could be mourning, may have nothing to do with the other person.


My feeling is better to find someone who wants you for exactly who you are, than to adopt a persona just to make another person happy. Better to find out after only a year, especially with the big transition you have coming up.

7Wannabe5
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Re: Best break-up Advice?

Post by 7Wannabe5 » Tue Mar 14, 2017 3:45 pm

Rule of thumb is you will be on the rebound 2 months for every year of significant relationship. One you stop feeling terrible, you need to watch out for a false early recovery period in which you might do something stupid. IOW, do as 7WB5 says not as she dos.

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Olaz
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Re: Best break-up Advice?

Post by Olaz » Tue Mar 14, 2017 3:53 pm

I just ordered some books on getting over break-ups. I am going to try to read books during new undertakings such as mono-poly long-term relationships, rather than after something happens. I liked the video - Step 3 caught me off guard. : )

I've also been trying to de-prioritize some parts of my classes that completely drain my willpower. I think the academic stress from two classes in particular--a difficult upper-level science lab class and a time-intensive french class--have depleted my will power over and over. When this happens, I've had the impulse to replenish that willpower by reaching out to my now previous partner. This has created a train wreck loop even if it's only been one call and a few texts. Thankfully I have noticed that loop and I am trying to close it by 1. making it impossible to reach out to her and reaching out to others instead and 2. by trying to apply less importance to these classes and doing things that make me happy/rejuvenated instead.

I do need to pass these classes to graduate, but I don't need an A, B, or even a C in them. I don't plan to go to grad school after all, and the job will not check my last semester grades I don't think. Could be a shaky path though, even if I only have 6 weeks to go. But then again, ultimately I value my happiness and self-care above grades right now. I also need to complete my take-home comprehensive exam over the next two days, which as far as willpower depletion is concerned, was a significant reason why I called her even though rationally I knew I didn't want to. Damn. Seems like a prime example of how school/work not being optional can really be unhealthy.

In any case, I'd like to get back to acting on rationality rather than being lead my raw emotions. Raw emotions are not friends. An active rational thought process is essential to maintain joy; a passive spiral into anxiety and depression can happen quickly.
Last edited by Olaz on Tue Mar 14, 2017 4:35 pm, edited 7 times in total.

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vezkor
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Re: Best break-up Advice?

Post by vezkor » Tue Mar 14, 2017 3:56 pm

Go spend time with your friends and start making new memories. Friends will help you move forward. Don't keep yourself bottled up in your room alone with your feelings.

Think about what was good about what you had, but always pivot to what could have made that even better. Stay optimistic and start building a mental criteria of what the next relationship might look like to be even better than the last. Never stop improving and certainly don't blame yourself. People are incredibly complex creatures and the opportunities for interpersonal relationships is near endless.

It's almost a certainty that there is a better match for you out there somewhere right now!

Keep your chin up, sir :) You'll get through it. Time dulls most wounds.

wood
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Re: Best break-up Advice?

Post by wood » Tue Mar 14, 2017 4:55 pm

Just been through a breakup after a 5 years relationship/marriage. I gave myself 1 week to feel sorry for myself. Then I started fucking around. Feels great. They are literally standing in line at my doorstep, so it's a great confidence boost too. Still have down moments but thats part of life. Try to embrace that. And you need to create some fun moments, even if it means other people providing the fun for you. It will help make you feel better when alone. Just be careful not to rely too much on other people bringing you happiness. The best gauge on your state of mind should be how you feel when alone.

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BRUTE
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Re: Best break-up Advice?

Post by BRUTE » Tue Mar 14, 2017 5:55 pm

admittedly brute isn't an expert on relations with human females, but one tactic he's heard mentioned is to "fuck 10 other girls" and see if Olaz still misses this one.

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Riggerjack
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Re: Best break-up Advice?

Post by Riggerjack » Tue Mar 14, 2017 8:21 pm

Basic training. If a team of Drill Sargents, sleep deprivation, and advanced brainwashing can't get you over her, nothing will.

This is one of the leading causes of volunteers for military service.

For what it's worth, I agree with everyone else here. Try any and all of it.

scriptbunny
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Re: Best break-up Advice?

Post by scriptbunny » Tue Mar 14, 2017 8:33 pm

I agree with wood and brute. Rebound relationships work splendidly, better than they have any right to.

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Re: Best break-up Advice?

Post by Felipe » Wed Mar 15, 2017 1:05 am

Sorry to hear about the break up. Rebounding never worked for me, at least not in the first few months. In August of 2015 I had a break up with the girl I'd spent more years with than anyone else, we'd lived together at multiple points-she moved to school then my place during vacation times/holidays. This was opposite of yours as I broke it off with her (pathological liar) but she was so charming, sweet, and persistent that I'd eventually fall back in. In the end, I broke up with her, we had a several hour talk as closure, and said bye. I thought about her every day for the following year or maybe more. I dated A LOT in this time, dozens of short relationships did not heal much. Though the pain blinded me from some red flags that ended up with feeling more pain for someone else before rethinking of my ex. Interesting consequences of trying to run from pain for me.

Focusing on improving myself, living more honestly, sharing my dark sides without shame and still doing my best to improve a tiny bit every single day in some way I wanted to worked better than rebound for me. Meditating, working out, hiking with friends, mushrooms in the forest, family time, funny movies, working on projects I wanted to helped. Long term foci worked better for me than short term.

In terms of actually dealing with the pain and with her:

No contact is rule #1. Can't heal a wound if it keeps opening. Accompanying this is accepting that it's over and it's okay 100%-letting the relationship go and learning to be independent again.

#2 is to feel the pain, recognize it's there, accept it, feel the physical sensations as they are-not the story or thoughts but the actual cold and tightness in the chest or pressure in my stomache or nausea, and see it as passing-not seeing it as "who I am" but a fleeting experience. I'm not saying to get stuck in it but when the pain hits (and it will quite often at first), process it-let it be okay that this is what's happening. Once you've passed the peak, go back to whatever badass thing you were doing.

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Olaz
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Re: Best break-up Advice?

Post by Olaz » Wed Mar 15, 2017 11:37 am

Frustration: Even if I'm on the right track now, I'm feeling pretty weak that I texted and called her more than I would've wanted to. It's a sunk cost, but I still feel so frustrated at myself. My final text a few days ago ended with me wanting to talk, so I'm not sure what I'd do if she does message eventually. Anyway, I have so much more to learn and read. This break up caught me completely by surprise and threw me off a ledge I was not prepared to handle well. My school work is doing the opposite of helping me heal, but I must push through to get to what I want in life.

Next Partner: I also know what I'd need in my next partner: greater open communication with me (especially the difficult stuff that has the potential to destroy a relationship eventually) and a woman who celebrates polyamory rather than suffering silently, even if they themselves are monogamous.

Larger Meaning: @Scott 2: Yeah, I'm not just mourning about this relationship, although that's a significant part. I seriously thought about being monogamous with her, because I'm so tired of people leaving because they don't or can't accept that part of my identity.

Rebounds: I have two rebound "things" happening at the moment, both sexual. it's not quite the same since I seem to want a relationship of equivalent strength to feel like life is on track again. In other words, these connections are brief, unpredictable, and mostly/only sexual rather than affectionate, consistent, and meaningful. Both women are also monogamous and don't want anything more than a FwB scenario because I'm polyam. It's really not the validation I could use, but it's still nice.
Last edited by Olaz on Wed Mar 15, 2017 9:09 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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Ego
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Re: Best break-up Advice?

Post by Ego » Wed Mar 15, 2017 2:46 pm

Olaz wrote:I seriously thought about being monogamous with her, because I'm so tired of people leaving because they don't or can't accept that part of my identity.
You want someone who is:

1) commitment worthy
2) commitment willing
3) non-exclusivity willing.

Are you adding #3 to induce failure? What would your ex- say to that?

Is it really a part of your identity or is it something you want? Don't answer that. Just think about it because it sounds like you are being taught the same lesson over and over but you don't wish to learn it.

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Olaz
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Re: Best break-up Advice?

Post by Olaz » Wed Mar 15, 2017 2:55 pm

Ego wrote:
Olaz wrote: Is it really a part of your identity or is it something you want? Just think about it because it sounds like you are being taught the same lesson over and over but you don't wish to learn it.
Can you expand on your point more?

Yes, it is a part of my identity-- it's a totally different way of looking at relationships. I want to try monogamy now because maybe I'd like that too--who knows I've never wanted to try it-- and more importantly because I miss her greatly, but the only reason I'd want to try monogamy otherwise is because self-identifying polyam people are so rare. If I were to be monogamous with my ex, she'd probably say that I want to work for 5-ish years and then travel the world, and she wants to get an MD-Phd in 10 years and then work potentially indefinitely to support her parents/brothers, so it probably wouldn't work anyway. I'd mention that we're looking too far ahead, but I imagine she's right. So, the best I can offer then is a sexual friendship if she ever replies, or nothing if she does not.

Now that I know the anxiety she was feeling whenever I mentioned any other people I was spending time with (to any capacity), I really do not feel comfortable at all talking about metamores with her. This is not healthy, because what if I need to process something that's happening in my life that involves other people and I can't talk about it? The anxiety also points to insecurity/self-esteem issues and makes her unhappy, but she wants to please me and therefore doesn't tell me what she's really feeling or needing. It's a vicious cycle. The last thing I want is to make my partner unhappy. Honestly, the real pleasure would've come from finding a way to make us both happy, if it existed. I just wish I had known of her negative feelings more clearly and much earlier on so we could've set more boundaries or tried different solutions. I wanted us both to be happy long term, but I didn't even know the problem existed for her outside of "society is telling me this is wrong." Interestingly, she was totally fine talking about her metamores, so that confused me.

In short, she wanted to try polyam because we fell in love, except a lot of non-communication/miscommunication occurred with polyam topics until the very end on her part and therefore in our actions. I should've been reading about mono-poly issues during our relationship so I could spot them, but I was too busy getting a job and finishing my semesters, so I did not. And it's hardly just a one person job to make a relationship work anyway, though I still wish I had done it. The lack of 100% non-omission communication is why I thought things were going great until we broke up.

Commitment and exclusivity are not mutually exclusive; it's more than possible to have committed relationships that are non-exclusive. The problem is not finding them and trying to make whatever is available work instead (e.g. introducing monogamous people to polyam). I should stop trying to do the latter, or at the very least educate myself more on the challenges in doing so.

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Olaz
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Re: Best break-up Advice?

Post by Olaz » Wed Mar 15, 2017 4:10 pm

I've concluded that offering her monogamy wouldn't work anyway. She wants to be inschool for 10 years via MD/Phd and then working potentially indefinitely to support her parents/brothers, and I want to work hard for 5 odd years and travel the world/write books.

I also feel completely uncomfortable not being able to trust that what my partner tells me is the whole truth, let alone not being able to talk about other people in my life. The most I can offer is a sexual friendship if she ever does reply and wants that, and nothing if she does not.

So that's that!

I'm going to be reading a lot of polyam books to educate myself, and learning more about being prepared to be stronger and more rational during times of crisis. Like I've mentioned, being lead by raw emotion and pain absolutely sucks and is destructive.

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Re: Best break-up Advice?

Post by 7Wannabe5 » Wed Mar 15, 2017 5:29 pm

I agree that commitment and exclusivity are not the same. In "Designer Relationships" the authors suggest that there are 4 realms in which people can choose to be exclusive/committed/monogamous in relationship. Sexual/Emotional/Social/Practical. For instance, financial matters would largely fall under the category of Practical. So, for instance, if you didn't like the idea of your partner chipping in for a mortgage with you on one house and another partner on a second house, then you might prefer Practical Monogamy. If you don't like the idea of your partner sometimes asking another partner to accompany him to a holiday dinner at his Aunt's house then you might prefer Social Monogamy. If you don't like the idea of your partner saying "I love you" to another partner then you might prefer Emotional Monogamy. And, finally, if you don't like the idea of your partner rubbing body parts with another partner then you might prefer Sexual Monogamy.

My ex-partner who was overtly poly-amorous kind of reminds me of a much older version of you. We broke up because his primary partner (wife) with whom he had entered into marriage with the contract of polyamory, wanted Emotional Monogamy. She was okay with sharing him sexually, but did not want him to be in love with me. I did not like some of the behavior he exhibited while attempting to make this work, so I dumped him. However, this is not indicative of a complete rejection of the practice of polyamory. I consider myself to be more in something like monogamous default mode at this juncture. Just like how somebody who practices monogamy might default to celibate for a period of time or in a certain situation.

Anyways, I think you are going to have to figure out the balance/type-of-contract in all these areas in any relationships you enter into in the future. The rule-of-thumb I think might apply is that you want to be really sure that your partner isn't just tolerating the deal, but actually positively wants that level or flavor of freedom (options)for herself. Simplest way to assure this would be to determine her cost/benefit structure such as it is, and then determine how you would contribute.

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Ego
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Re: Best break-up Advice?

Post by Ego » Wed Mar 15, 2017 6:25 pm

Olaz wrote:
Ego wrote:
Olaz wrote:I seriously thought about being monogamous with her, because I'm so tired of people leaving because they don't or can't accept that part of my identity.
Is it really a part of your identity or is it something you want? Don't answer that. Just think about it because it sounds like you are being taught the same lesson over and over but you don't wish to learn it.
Can you expand on your point more?
Sure. The word identity implies a certain fixedness. I look back to myself at your age and think about how different I am today. I wonder what would have happened had I affixed a label as strong as polyamory to myself and stuck with it. Would it have opened doors or closed them? Who can say for sure?

I know three middle-aged women who decided, after years of being in traditional marriages with children, that they now prefer to be partnered with women. I know a property maintenance man who I was extremely surprised to find out was once a married woman with a child. Hormones are magnificently complex.

You said you are tired of people leaving because of this. When your partners leave because they don't or can't accept your poly-ways, they are telling you something important.

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Olaz
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Re: Best break-up Advice?

Post by Olaz » Wed Mar 15, 2017 6:31 pm

I'm not sure what they're telling me: that I'm being stubborn? They could also just be telling me that polyamory doesn't make them specifically happy, and that I should find people that value it. I have had succesful poly relationships before, trouble has mostly come up when I try to date monogamous people that are curious/don't know what they want yet. Leaving has only been an issue twice in more commited relationships (both in retrospect were very young, didn't know what they wanted, had strong insecurities, and didn't communicate completely openly). Sexual friendships have been fine too.

What do you think they're trying to tell me? And what's the alternative? Even if they were poly or to what I think your point is--that I were open to monogamy--I'd still be dating one of two people that have not in the past shared with me their whole needs and who's life paths did not align, only then I'd be dating them exclusively. I could argue that that'd be even worse than splitting.

I don't know, what do you all think?

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