Lonely

[slsdly]

How do you deal with feeling lonely? It is a rare Saturday night I am drunk and alone, but here we are. My willpower has run out for the moment it seems. It seems most of my friends are shacked up and are often otherwise occupied as a couple. Lately I have worked more, exercised more and to be completely honest, drank more (of course, the bar is really low there as most weeks I don't have a single drink, not worried about becoming an alcoholic yet). Maybe it is just turning 30 which has me down, but it sometimes feels to me that my personal greatest obstacle on my journey is not money, or ability, it is how isolated I feel (not because of ERE, just in general).

[denise]

I understand how you feel. I am asexual and a romantic, so I'm never shacked up. I try to make good friendships with a small amount of people though, so I can get more human interaction. I just moved to where I am for a new job, and luckily made two new friends; one has become a really good friend. He's not found a mate yet, so we hang out a lot. We're all interviewing for other jobs though, so this will soon change.

Until I find a job back with my family, because my new friends will probably leave this town before me, l will be alone again. If I feel alone, I usually go some place with lots of people, like a coffee house, and read in their presence.

You can also try meetup.com. I find there's usually at least one group you can relate to on there. I've found exactly one group- a hackerspace, and the people are nice.

Don't forget this forum. Perhaps you can find a friend to talk to on here!

[Dragline]

Sometimes I just listen to songs that reflect my mood and sing along with them. I don't know why, but it seems to help.

This one probably fits yours right now: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CIK4mFlTCzg

[Sclass]

Over my adult life I've bounced around between being gregarious and solitary. I never was happy with either for long. I'm not sure if I want all my friends or if I want to be alone.

How to fix loneliness? Reach out. Go ask a wallflower to dance. Just say anything to anyone and see where it goes. It's a real shame how many lonely yet interesting people there are out there just waiting for somebody else to reach out.

It's kind of like opening yourself up to randomness. The world is a big place. If you reach out you'll find there are some cool folks out there who are looking for people too.

It's out there all around us. You just have to reach up and grab it as it whizzes by.

[BRUTE]

A man can be himself only so long as he is alone, and if he does not love solitude, he will not love freedom, for it is only when he is alone that he is really free.

[sky]

The way to be social is to be an event organizer, and to invite others to share the event with you. One needs to use a calendar and plan out the future a week or two in advance. The events can be simple activities, but they need to have a short description that you can use while inviting others. The event might be named something like tea and cookies but would actually be conversation on the porch.

It is very easy to fill your time with get togethers to the point of wishing one was a hermit again.

[enigmaT120]

A man can be himself only so long as he is alone, and if he does not love solitude, he will not love freedom, for it is only when he is alone that he is really free.

Yeah. Who wrote that, I forgot?

[IlliniDave]

For me the key is to understand that I am the one responsible for my own happiness, and use that prevent solitude from becoming loneliness. Loneliness implies a lack, and it's my job to fill that.

There is often sadness and the like associated with loneliness, and it's best for me to embrace whatever I'm feeling and explore it, rather than to fight it or deny it.

Music, like Dragline mentioned, is a great vehicle to help with the processing. I also find rhythmic physical activity like walking/hiking to be helpful.

[7Wannabe5]

A man can be himself only so long as he is alone, and if he does not love solitude, he will not love freedom, for it is only when he is alone that he is really free.

Mr. Schopenhauer, allow me to introduce Mr. Schnarch

Well, differentiation is the phenomenon that applies to all living things, but in human beings, differentiation is basically the ability to balance humankind's two most fundamental drives. One is our urge to be connected with other people, and the other is the urge to be free and autonomous and direct the course of our life. So both wanting to be in a relationship and wanting to be our own person are the two most fundamental drives and the two fundamental problems that couples have in emotionally committed relationships.

So differentiation is the ability to have both: to be very much involved in a relationship and also be able to be your own person within that relationship. When you can do that, you basically have the best of both worlds, including the kind of relationship everybody wants to have.

[Did]

Use the internet/apps to get a few birds on the go. One may stick, if not, it's still fun.

[steveo73]

A man can be himself only so long as he is alone, and if he does not love solitude, he will not love freedom, for it is only when he is alone that he is really free.

Yeah. Who wrote that, I forgot?

I love that quote. It's the first time I've heard it as well.

[steveo73]

A man can be himself only so long as he is alone, and if he does not love solitude, he will not love freedom, for it is only when he is alone that he is really free.

Mr. Schopenhauer, allow me to introduce Mr. Schnarch

Well, differentiation is the phenomenon that applies to all living things, but in human beings, differentiation is basically the ability to balance humankind's two most fundamental drives. One is our urge to be connected with other people, and the other is the urge to be free and autonomous and direct the course of our life. So both wanting to be in a relationship and wanting to be our own person are the two most fundamental drives and the two fundamental problems that couples have in emotionally committed relationships.

So differentiation is the ability to have both: to be very much involved in a relationship and also be able to be your own person within that relationship. When you can do that, you basically have the best of both worlds, including the kind of relationship everybody wants to have.

I love Schnarch. We had marital problems at one point and I read "Passionate Marriage". It is one of those books that has stuck with me for years.

I think the stoicism book that MMM reviewed and Passionate Marriage are the two best self-help books I've read.

[Dragline]

A man can be himself only so long as he is alone, and if he does not love solitude, he will not love freedom, for it is only when he is alone that he is really free.

Mr. Schopenhauer, allow me to introduce Mr. Schnarch

Well, differentiation is the phenomenon that applies to all living things, but in human beings, differentiation is basically the ability to balance humankind's two most fundamental drives. One is our urge to be connected with other people, and the other is the urge to be free and autonomous and direct the course of our life. So both wanting to be in a relationship and wanting to be our own person are the two most fundamental drives and the two fundamental problems that couples have in emotionally committed relationships.

So differentiation is the ability to have both: to be very much involved in a relationship and also be able to be your own person within that relationship. When you can do that, you basically have the best of both worlds, including the kind of relationship everybody wants to have.

Did somebody say DO BOTH?

And don't forget that despite anything he said, Schopenhauer's real solution to loneliness was a succession of poodles all named "Atman" and "Butz."

[BRUTE]

and knocking up the maid.

homie was real.

[chenda]

@OP Do you want to have a relationship with someone ? Or is it you feel lonely because your friends are coupled up ?

[jennypenny]

I've found charity work to be a good salve for loneliness. The connection between you and the recipient of your good will -- even if it's only momentary -- can be very deep and satisfying.

[Dragline]

+1