Saying, "No"

[Chad]

This probably will warm all the INTJ hearts and most of the others on here:

“‘It is only half an hour’–’It is only an afternoon’–’It is only an evening,’ people say to me over and over again; but they don’t know that it is impossible to command one’s self sometimes to any stipulated and set disposal of five minutes–or that the mere consciousness of an engagement will sometime worry a whole day… Who ever is devoted to an art must be content to deliver himself wholly up to it, and to find his recompense in it. I am grieved if you suspect me of not wanting to see you, but I can’t help it; I must go in my way whether or no.” - Charles Dickens

Source:
http://www.fourhourworkweek.com/blog/20 ... #more-9800

[Triangle]

Getting out of a flow definitely costs me way more than just the 30 minutes. One time, a visit by a relative cost me more than a month on a project I was working on IN ADDITION to the visiting time. Just because this person messed with my life so much.

[workathome]

I've tended to isolate myself largely to avoid this-sort-of-thing. Sometimes it has downsides, such as a very small social circle.

[djc]

When I started turning down civic-type requests such as being on various boards or working on fund raisers my life got tons easier. I was home more often with my family and I didn't have to "fake" really caring about the event I was working at. This is another reason I'm glad I'm out of the commercial banking business.

No is really a key ERE term.

djc

[Jpsilver]

Do you ever say "no" to spouses? lol I find it very difficult to work on my personal projects when GF is around, because she will want my attention all the time, or at least that's what I feel. This makes me constantly breaking my flow or not even entering it in the first place. I've been trying to handle this but it's not easy.

[workathome]

Do you ever say "no" to spouses? lol I find it very difficult to work on my personal projects when GF is around, because she will want my attention all the time, or at least that's what I feel. This makes me constantly breaking my flow or not even entering it in the first place. I've been trying to handle this but it's not easy.

It helps to maybe have set "work" hours that your spouse can understand, even if you are effectively "retired early." If your gf understands you are "working" she knows she can't just interrupt your research/reading/etc., as oppose to considering all your time "free" to interrupt.

In contrast to some ERE goals of room minimization, having a separate office room can be very beneficial to this.

[Tyler9000]

I understand the productivity issue with breaking flow. But I've found over the years that singular focus is also not healthy in the long run. Exercising the mind and breaking away to do new things may be painful at first, but after a bit of practice it gets a lot easier to switch back and forth.

For me, after I learned to break away from obsessing about a particular work skill (3D CAD) I found that I didn't really care for it any more. Learning to say "no" to my own impulses was a catalyst for personal growth. Don't confuse "comfort zone" with "flow".

[Jpsilver]

@Tyler9000: How do you identify an impulse as leading towards the "comfort zone"? I think you make an interesting point but, as you seem to acknowledge, this is commonly an unconscious decision. How exactly did you learn to "switch"?

[Tyler9000]

Admittedly the line between flow and rut is a blurry one. I think the distinction is an issue of perspective.

On the micro level, the state of flow (tuning out distractions and becoming absorbed in a singular task) is rewarding and productive. Whether it's CAD, art, or whatever else I like to work on, I do my best work in this state.

On a macro level, flow starts to look a lot like a crutch. Do I not want to perform my other responsibilities because they're too distracting to my productivity, or am I just looking for an excuse to avoid things I don't like? And if I am avoiding tasks I don't like, am I truly being productive? Flow can sometimes be a self-serving illusion.

And pushed to the extreme, absorption in a singular task is simply an addiction. I used to work until 2am every day because I was so caught up in CAD I couldn't walk away. And when I did leave at a normal hour, I'd stay up until 2am caught in the "flow" of an online video game. Fortunately I broke free of both habits before irreparably harming my relationships with wife, friends, and family. Interestingly, once I did, I found my interest in both CAD and gaming changed quite a bit. And my career grew leaps and bounds after learning to not let flow in one area define me.

Focus is a good thing, but diversity of thought is as well. It's kinda like lifting weights - you want to focus on one group of muscles at a time but rotate the regimen to build a healthy body.