Being misunderstood while trying to be ERE/ Finding a partner

How to pass, fit in, eventually set an example, and ultimately lead the way.
TheRedHare
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Being misunderstood while trying to be ERE/ Finding a partner

Post by TheRedHare »

Today I was having dinner with some friends, and one of them made the comment that I was "boring" when they where nitpicking my lifestyle.
I wasn't really hurt by it, but just saw them as misunderstanding the way I am living my life. They were also making fun of how I haven't been out dating in a long time. I honestly don't even bother trying to explain myself to them sometimes because I'm just too tired of having to explain myself to people for their sake. However, I do sometimes feel as though I could be taking things a bit too seriously.

Little by little I've been embodying the ERE lifestyle, to where it's now not even something I really think about. However, because I don't spend much money and spend a lot of time in my home, many family and friends have told me that I need to "get out more". To some extent, I believe they are right. Heck, I'm only 23, but I sometimes act like I'm 35. I would like to branch out with other like minded people, and maybe even find a nice partner, but I'm unsure of where to find these people....probably because they are doing the same thing as me...staying at home.

TLDR: How do you spot or where would you find a partner that is also ERE minded? Library?
How do you "not be boring" according to the normies?

BRUTE
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Re: Being misunderstood while trying to be ERE/ Finding a partner

Post by BRUTE »

why does TheRedHare give a fuck about who finds him "boring"? brute has to wonder why these friends hang out with him if he's so "boring".

sounds to brute like a typical poking fun among friends thing, nothing serious. brute never gets out. he never meets any humans. brute is quite content, as his experience has shown that humans are not on average a net-positive in his life.

TopHatFox
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Re: Being misunderstood while trying to be ERE/ Finding a partner

Post by TopHatFox »

Come now, just because you're into ERE doesn't mean you can't date! Should you want to of course. There are tons of entry/down-the-line dates available for cheap or free. Pick and choose your favorites: going on a walk, a picnic through the park, hiking a trail, coffee/tea, window shopping/thrift shopping, watching a movie or documentary, cuddling, cooking a meal, running/exercising, cycling somewhere, exploring abandoned places, volunteering, etc.

You can even get your nice clothes while you're at the thrift stores too. You can even introduce dates to each other if you fancy that. Your fiends will think you're edgy and adventurous :D

Try meet ups to find like minded people. Try OKCupid to find like minded partner(s).

I agree with brute though, live the life you want and pay little heed to banter.

------

On the broader idea, we can have everything the normative people have. We just get it more efficiently. We can have the nice clothes, but they were thrifted or timed at sales. We can have transport, but we muscled our way there. We can have good food, but it was home-cooked and whole. We can have loving partner(s), but they're frugal and like-minded. We can have a good job, but it's only for a few years. ; )

TheRedHare
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Re: Being misunderstood while trying to be ERE/ Finding a partner

Post by TheRedHare »

BRUTE wrote:
Sat Jun 24, 2017 8:59 pm
brute never gets out. he never meets any humans. brute is quite content, as his experience has shown that humans are not on average a net-positive in his life.
brute, I've always been curious about what it is you do for fun? How are you able to cut yourself off from the rest of society?

Olaz wrote:
Sat Jun 24, 2017 9:33 pm
Try meet ups to find like minded people. Try OKCupid to find like minded partner(s).
I have gone to a few meetups, but I tend to go to one's that have hardly any girls...unless they are into programming. I've tried some dating apps, but they never go anywhere after a lite conversation.

Whenever you meet a new girl and are thinking about dating them, do you explain your interest in ERE early on, or do you keep that to yourself? I feel like anytime I've tried to explain ERE to others they just look at me like I'm crazy.

BRUTE
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Re: Being misunderstood while trying to be ERE/ Finding a partner

Post by BRUTE »

TheRedHare wrote:
Sat Jun 24, 2017 11:06 pm
brute, I've always been curious about what it is you do for fun? How are you able to cut yourself off from the rest of society?
mostly hedonism. it's not that brute "is able" to cut himself off, he just seems to not have a very strong desire to be social. he's slowly learned to accept this fact about himself, and not trying has made him much happier.
TheRedHare wrote:
Sat Jun 24, 2017 11:06 pm
...unless they are into programming. I've tried some dating apps, but they never go anywhere after a lite conversation.
TheRedHare could always write an Tinder bot that always swipes left :D

FBeyer
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Re: Being misunderstood while trying to be ERE/ Finding a partner

Post by FBeyer »

Rig it to an accu drill with a stylus attached. No need for programming...

Did
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Re: Being misunderstood while trying to be ERE/ Finding a partner

Post by Did »

Nice comments Olaz.

Don't give up on the apps for chicks. There are millions of chicks out there. Many for you. You only need one. It's a numbers game. Keep working the numbers, outsourcing if necessary. It's worth it.

Toska2
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Re: Being misunderstood while trying to be ERE/ Finding a partner

Post by Toska2 »

Eh. Zero response on PoF, OKC and SA. Same with local waltz/foxtrot community dances, yoga, gym, beach and coffee shops. Increased age range to 10 up 7 down. Now what?

(If engineering & programming are 80% male, my field is 95% male.)
Last edited by Toska2 on Sun Jun 25, 2017 8:08 am, edited 1 time in total.

slsdly
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Re: Being misunderstood while trying to be ERE/ Finding a partner

Post by slsdly »

I don't enjoy using the apps, but I think that is less about ERE, and more about temperament, self esteem, and sheer luck. To say the least, Olaz strikes me as a person who dates with ease :P. IMO the quality of online dating as deteriorated over the last few years, as it has reached critical mass in its acceptance with the unwashed masses. Get a thick skin.

But ERE does present real challenges to dating in general that are not easy to dismiss. If you meet your partner before getting too deep into it, you still have the opportunity to "grow" into ERE together. While I would not say I am Renaissance man yet, I certainly don't spend anywhere near the same amount of time pondering the path that I used to. It is internalized. A hobby someone can always pick up or let their partner do on their own, but this is a philosophy of life, something that lets us reason about our lives. In short, I was already unusual, and jacob has made me a freak :P.

My opinion is that you shouldn't talk about ERE or FIRE in of itself, right out of the gate. This cannot be the most interesting thing to present about yourself. If it is, than that is the sign to take up new hobbies. I would say my best success as far as "honest" profile writing and early communication goes was to emphasize simple living. People can grok that better than ERE. And any closet ERE type people are going to be drawn to it likes moths to a flame, so don't worry about that.

The reasons we do things matters, so I wouldn't take up a hobby just to meet someone. If you are always on the prowl, I think you can easily get disappointed. So don't wait for a partner or to FIRE to live your life. Find some things to do with others, have some fun, and even if you don't meet someone, you did something you wanted to do and had a great time.

Tip of the day: If you want to receive unsolicited messages as a man on online dating, say how you find travel boring and you aren't keen on owning a dog. The outpouring of rage I got from that experiment was surprising haha.

slsdly
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Re: Being misunderstood while trying to be ERE/ Finding a partner

Post by slsdly »

Toska2 wrote:
Sun Jun 25, 2017 8:06 am
Eh. Zero response on PoF, OKC and SA. Same with local waltz/foxtrot community dances, yoga, gym, beach and coffee shops. Increased age range to 10 up 7 down. Now what?

(If engineering & programming are 80% male, my field is 95% male.)
My yoga studio has tons of women. I'm pretty blind, but I can think of at least one or two women I could probably get a date from if I asked. Do you talk to anyone? Make some friends? I find it hard, but when you go a few times a week, you always have another chance ;).

Take it from Slomo and just do what makes you happy. It is easier to stomach the shit show of dating when you are laughing.

Toska2
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Re: Being misunderstood while trying to be ERE/ Finding a partner

Post by Toska2 »

I go early in the day. There's a sharp divide of 50+ and still in college. I'm neither.

slsdly
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Re: Being misunderstood while trying to be ERE/ Finding a partner

Post by slsdly »

Toska2 wrote:
Sun Jun 25, 2017 8:25 am
I go early in the day. There's a sharp divide of 50+ and still in college. I'm neither.
I go to a mix of late evening and early morning classes. The evening class definitely has more age appropriate yogis. Maybe mix it up? Morning people are supposed to be just as common as night people, but I see absolutely no evidence of this in the wild.

TheRedHare
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Re: Being misunderstood while trying to be ERE/ Finding a partner

Post by TheRedHare »

@slsdly
@Toska2

There is a yoga place that's right down the street from where I live. I've thought about attending classes there, but because I'm such a cheapskate and hate spending money I didn't want to go. Some of my roommates said that there are some super hot girls that go there, so idk...I might give it a shot
Did wrote:
Sun Jun 25, 2017 6:17 am
outsourcing if necessary
What do you mean by this? Get an online profile and put up information about yourself?
scriptbunny wrote:
Sun Jun 25, 2017 6:41 am
I found my significant other that way and a good portion (more than a quarter) of the stable couples we know met online.
Wow, that's awesome. Did you just use OKCupid or where there other apps that you used?

Riggerjack
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Re: Being misunderstood while trying to be ERE/ Finding a partner

Post by Riggerjack »

I have gone to a few meetups, but I tend to go to one's that have hardly any girls...unless they are into programming. I've tried some dating apps, but they never go anywhere after a lite conversation.

Whenever you meet a new girl and are thinking about dating them, do you explain your interest in ERE early on, or do you keep that to yourself? I feel like anytime I've tried to explain ERE to others they just look at me like I'm crazy.
Most dates SHOULD go nowhere. You are outside the subset of "Normies", you have to expect that you will need to filter them out of your dating pool. Some of them can be discouraged passively, but still the majority of your pool will be unsuitable.

So let your freak flag fly. Let them find out early who you are and what you are about. This will lead to some very awkward moments, lots of rejection, but also some great stories, and more time to find Ms right.

On the other hand, if you aren't ready for Ms right, there's no reason you shouldn't practice on Ms right now. In which case, filtering should be toned down, and you should focus more on developing relationship skills.
How are you able to cut yourself off from the rest of society?
For introverts, this is the natural path, and if you don't put effort into maintenance of social contacts, they will fade. Ego has many good posts about how to avoid this.

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Viktor K
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Re: Being misunderstood while trying to be ERE/ Finding a partner

Post by Viktor K »

Redhare I see two different interests here. The first is caring what your friends think, which is something I can't really share too much with. I lead by example, and let the others fall behind or fall away. I have a pretty I don't care what you think attitude towards most my friends, which is why the friends I have are the ones I know are keepers, because otherwise I would have lost them a long time ago. I think many people aren't like this. Many people play the I want you to like me game and so they're always faking it to make it. I did enough of that in high school, no thanks.

The second interest is dating. So finding an ERE partner I never had to struggle with. But finding a partner is difficult even without that so I'll share. I used Tinder to meet my girlfriend. Before that, I used it for more carnal needs. But then I realized that was short, time-consuming, and ultimately not fulfilling. So I stayed on the app, and a couple others, but when messaging interests I totally stopped starting with the meet-up. I was tired of meeting ladies only then to find I had nothing in common with them.

That being said, I didn't lead with all me. Rather I small-talked about nothing important, which would weed out most of the swipe right and fuck variety to begin with. On the other hand, it was a different approach, so it got more positive responses than the typical, Netflix and chill? message that most guys blanket their online connects with. After a week or two, if I was still having a casual convo, I would broach the idea of meeting.

After 2 months of doing this, I only found 1 girl that I was interested in and attempted to meet up with. We met after she stood me up the first two times, and have been together going on 3 years since.

Her savings rate is more than mine.

FBeyer
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Re: Being misunderstood while trying to be ERE/ Finding a partner

Post by FBeyer »

Viktor K wrote:
Sun Jun 25, 2017 12:12 pm
...I have a pretty I don't care what you think attitude towards most my friends, which is why the friends I have are the ones I know are keepers, because otherwise I would have lost them a long time ago...
ENTJ huh?
I was going to suggest the same thing, but I guess pulling that particular stunt off requires a certain disagreeableness on the performer's part and if you aren't the kind of person that is blatantly honest and integral about everything you do, that particular attitude comes off as being a complete fucking douchebag, rather than a person of integrity.

Obviously you and I are probably already known among our respective circle of friends as 'that guy who won't sugar coat anything' and those who stay love us for it.

Being oneself works wonders when you have 0 fucks to give. But since The Big Five psychological profiling chose to include agreeableness as a sliding scale it suggests to me that there might be some people in this world who actually lie sleepless if someone out there dislikes them :lol:

OP: I'll second Viktor's post but I'll rephrase it.
Be yourself as much as you can, it's the absolutely best filter you can find. And you do not want to attract people who like you as someone else than who you truly are. You don't need a harem of women, you need only one.

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Viktor K
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Re: Being misunderstood while trying to be ERE/ Finding a partner

Post by Viktor K »

@Fbeyer What I find more challenging and potentially socially awkward is being an ERE-focused ENTJ and running into a non-ERE focused ENTJ in a pre-established friend group that you are trying to get in with because of friendships that existed before said friend group was formed. This leads to a lot of non-conforming but strongly formed arguments for each style of living and an eventual desperate finding of a middle ground... or a blatant change of subject.

The difference between a douchey ENTJ and a non-douchey ENTJ may best be summarized by this description from humanmetrics.com:
Experience teaches many ENTJs that restraint may often be the better part of valor

TheRedHare
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Re: Being misunderstood while trying to be ERE/ Finding a partner

Post by TheRedHare »

Riggerjack wrote:
Sun Jun 25, 2017 11:08 am
Most dates SHOULD go nowhere. You are outside the subset of "Normies", you have to expect that you will need to filter them out of your dating pool. Some of them can be discouraged passively, but still the majority of your pool will be unsuitable.

So let your freak flag fly. Let them find out early who you are and what you are about. This will lead to some very awkward moments, lots of rejection, but also some great stories, and more time to find Ms right.
That's very true, I guess I just need to fully except the fact that there are very few people that would be into the same things as me. How do you know when you are ready for Ms right?
FBeyer wrote:
Sun Jun 25, 2017 12:45 pm
ENTJ huh?
As an IN?J, my apparent match is a EN?P. Do these types of matches work? I'm pretty introverted and tend to be in my head 90% of the time, would having a partner that's a polar opposite be better than having one that's just like you? There's that old saying "opposites attract" saying, but I have my doubts on how that would work, unless the couple works as a team...which is what I'm ultimately looking for.
Last edited by TheRedHare on Sun Jun 25, 2017 1:34 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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Viktor K
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Re: Being misunderstood while trying to be ERE/ Finding a partner

Post by Viktor K »

All my girlfriend and I talked about at dinner tonight was how opposite we are and how that works out to our benefit. She's more rare than an ENTJ, though. I can't remember off the top of my head what hers is, something like <1% of the population.

She cares about everyone and everything, what they think and how they feel. She's a helper, I'm a help yourself. It would be too much and too off-topic to talk about all of our opposite personality quirks, but safe to say I think our opposite-ness makes us more compatible, than less compatible.

If it was someone just like me, I feel like it would be way too competitive. Rather, I'm paired with someone who is perfect in every exact way that I'm not which leads me to always being like, "God! I'm such an asshole! Why can't I be as caring as she is! She would never be frustrated with me in this situation!" :lol:

Edit: she's an INFP by the way, we just checked

INFP
Introvert(53%) iNtuitive(9%) Feeling(38%) Perceiving(6%)
Last edited by Viktor K on Sun Jun 25, 2017 1:26 pm, edited 1 time in total.

TopHatFox
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Re: Being misunderstood while trying to be ERE/ Finding a partner

Post by TopHatFox »

Haha, I <3 INFJs! That's probably because I'm biased, but hey.

ENTJ is a good match with and INFJ. Both share the N and J, which means little small talk and clarity in what you both want. The I/E and T/F can compliment.

Anyway, the Myerrs Briggs is really useful for predicting compatibility. It's a really big deal. From the people I've met, trying to match an N with an S is often draining. Matching J's and F's can be draining too long-term.

The Five Love Languages can be a good indicator too.
Last edited by TopHatFox on Sun Jun 25, 2017 1:29 pm, edited 2 times in total.

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