Living with Careerist

How to explain ERE, arranging family matters
7Wannabe5
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Living with Careerist

Post by 7Wannabe5 » Thu Mar 09, 2017 9:43 am

My BF (age 54) is a successful careerist, has no interest in retiring early, and is to some extent limited from even considering this possibility, due to alimony/child-support obligations to former wife and 12 year old child. However, he is reasonably frugal and self-sufficient in his habits. For instance, he gardens and makes pickles, and asks me to sew buttons, and has deposited a significant portion of his salary (40%?) into stock market accounts since his divorce.

He has been living with a male friend since his divorce, while also traveling a lot for business reasons. Now, he is getting his own place, and I am afraid I will end up living with him through osmotic process. The problem is that based on similar prior experiences, I believe what will happen is either (a) I will feel pressure to start working more "professional" hours myself, or (b) I will slump into role of de facto housewife.

His new place is located approximately 11 miles from my permaculture project camper-garden, so I could theoretically commute by bike back to my own domain most days, and that might be helpful. But, the direct route would be through a pretty scary part of the hood, and I am sometimes lazy.

I am also considering whether offering to chip in for rent would be psychologically helpful even if token gesture? This won't be happening for at least a few months because I am currently feeling somewhat obligated to continue to chip in for rent with my sister until she graduates from law school. The reason I say that chipping in for rent would be a token gesture is that it would be such a minor consideration for my BF that it wouldn't give me even the tiniest bit of leverage in some imagined future disagreement concerning whether frequently used pans should be stored in a bottom cupboard or an open rack, etc. etc.

IlliniDave
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Re: Living with Careerist

Post by IlliniDave » Thu Mar 09, 2017 10:08 am

Don't take this the wrong way but even in the short time we've been acquainted this is emerging as an easily identifiable pattern. :) Maybe just make peace with getting the same outcome from the same behavior and don't fret every time it happens? Only you know if attempting to help with financial expenses will make you feel better about it. There probably isn't a right or wrong to this except in the court of your mind, and you're the judge on that bench.

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Dragline
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Re: Living with Careerist

Post by Dragline » Thu Mar 09, 2017 11:08 am

It sounds like you are worrying about a problem that you don't have yet, unless you have been invited to live there and haven't told us.

I would just let it play out.

7Wannabe5
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Re: Living with Careerist

Post by 7Wannabe5 » Thu Mar 09, 2017 1:22 pm

@Dragline: We have a reasonably transparent relationship. He has been shopping for his next domicile for quite a while, so we've had multiple conversations about whether or not we should live together, and his current take is in alignment with suggesting that I should sign up to teach in his district and it will be no problem for me to stay at his place even when he is out of town on assignment and naturally I will be staying there this weekend, so he will move the coffee machine first thing.

Just in case I haven't made this clear, and pardon my pop culture references, I am Wilson/Kramer and he is House/George-Jerry. As IlliniDave correctly noted, my pattern is that I am always Wilson/Kramer and my SO is always some variation on House/George-Jerry (misanthropic, domineering, hot-head, critical, picky, high-strung, Type A+++-pick at least 3) It is true that I am likely in over-think about this current dilemma in the moment, but that is because it is reflective of my larger problem/pattern which is either figuring out how to avoid this opposites-attract trap I continually fall into OR come up with better strategies for maintaining my boundaries beyond simple avoidance and escape mechanisms and/or eventually and unexpectedly (even for me) blowing my top when the end of my long fuse is finally reached or the red light on my nuclear cooling tank finally pops on.

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FBeyer
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Re: Living with Careerist

Post by FBeyer » Thu Mar 09, 2017 1:59 pm

I have a hard time imagining someone who communicates that much in writing wouldn't also do so verbally. Why not get shit, whenever something bugs you, out of the way rather than light the end of that long fuse to begin with?

Are you unable to detect slow-creep so you can't react to it in time?

7Wannabe5
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Re: Living with Careerist

Post by 7Wannabe5 » Thu Mar 09, 2017 3:52 pm

FBeyer said: Are you unable to detect slow-creep so you can't react to it in time?
Something more like that. Long fuse isn't really the best metaphor. I was a bit err-on-the-side of conflict avoidant in my marriage, but that was only because there were children involved in the relationship. I am not enough invested in this relationship, or even the notion of being in a relationship at all, at this point in my life to go to the bother of avoiding conflict through not speaking my mind.- lol.

It's more like I feel like the limiting factor or resource I have at my disposal for the rest of my life is my ability to focus my attention, so I don't want to have to waste my attention on trivial crap anybody who is more high-strung or hyper-noticing than me cares about. I can and do just sort of auto-pilot tune out or nod-"Whatever" level agreement-through-my-fog to a thousand things like "Could you please not slam the car door." and "You have the burner on too high." and "I told you I won't drink anything out of plastic." and then suddenly it's like I simultaneously reach the end of a chapter in the novel I was reading, and the demanding baby is butting its head against my breast AGAIN, and I am beyond vapors and totally on freakin' empty.

To give my BF some credit, he was off on one of his semi-endless ranting tirades the other morning, and I did find myself suddenly in one of my more tuned in moods/modes (perhaps due to PMS), so I put my hands over my ears and yelled "Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. I am so done with this!" and he just stopped and started laughing.

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Dragline
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Re: Living with Careerist

Post by Dragline » Thu Mar 09, 2017 4:43 pm

Well, if the answer to moving in is not "hell, yeah", then the answer should be no. Life's too short to spend a lot of time in "sorta, kinda, maybe, I wonder" land.

Maybe the answer will change to "hell, yeah" down the road, but it ain't there now.

7Wannabe5
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Re: Living with Careerist

Post by 7Wannabe5 » Thu Mar 09, 2017 4:59 pm

@ Dragline: I hear you, but it's not exactly like I have a great track record based on heeding my internal "Hell, yeah!" either. :lol:

OTOH, since we met, my BF and I have both been on the same page regarding the fact that we instantly had a sort of a high-school prom date or old-married-couple relationship. I guess I am just moving forward on the basis that he is very reliable and quite considerate (when not ranting), and I like him better now than I did a year ago. Also, he makes me breath lemon and ginger vapor when I have bronchitis and he still has a super-cute azz.

We were both in other relationships where we were madly in love, everything on the table, not very long ago, so it's within the realm of possibility that we might spark up higher for each other eventually. My ex-polyamour who is married and madly in love with me, who I refuse to meet at all for a variety of reasons, left a rose in the door of my camper on Valentine's Day, and I was out of town with my BF, so didn't find it until it was all blackened around the edges. Maybe, I ought to revert to Plan A where I become an old pumpkin lady and live by myself.

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Riggerjack
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Re: Living with Careerist

Post by Riggerjack » Thu Mar 09, 2017 9:18 pm

7w5, we are definitely very different people, so take this with a grain of salt.

I've never had a problem finding a woman when I wanted one, as an adult (different story as a teen). And if a casual relationship ended, no problem, plenty of other fish, and all that.

But when a long term relationship ended, I always took time off to reflect. Like a year, sometimes two. What went wrong, how did I contribute to that, what should I avoid in the future, and especially what traits should I look for/avoid in the future prospects? It takes time to make/break habits, and I wanted changes to have time to take root before changing up my environment with a new woman...

You seem to be able to identify the traits you find attractive, and the contributing factors to the end of relationships. But you don't seem interested in changing anything; either in yourself, or in your choices.

That is so completely foreign to me my brain locks up. I honestly don't know what you want. Advice that makes you feel better about doing the same thing with someone new, but also very similar to each of the past new guys? For me to suppress my urge to tell you to make changes or be happy with the reoccurring results? Make generally supportive noises, empathize, and sympathize?

My complete and utter failure to do this was a great contributing factor in many of those previous failed relationships. I could have learned to greet problems with the warm smile and sympathetic murmurs, and it would have made a lot of things easier, when dealing with women. I didn't.

Instead I found the one woman on the planet that prefers my honesty and problem solving to empathy. Sorry guys, she's taken.

I say all the above so you know that you understand that I say the following with good will, though it may sound unsympathetic.

You know your patterns.
You know where this leads.
If you like that, do it, for as long as you like it. Rinse and repeat.
If not, don't.

We live a life of generous opportunity. You can change any part of it you like. But humans are good at establishing patterns in our behavior. What works for us is repeated. What is repeated is perfected.

Only you can decide if you should make a change, and if the change is worth the effort.

It doesn't sound as though the difference between this guy and the previous guys is in the areas that lead to eventual breakup. So it seems he fits a pattern. Only you can judge whether you get enough out of this cycle to repeat it.

Either way, have fun, and good luck.

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Ego
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Re: Living with Careerist

Post by Ego » Thu Mar 09, 2017 10:39 pm


7Wannabe5
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Re: Living with Careerist

Post by 7Wannabe5 » Fri Mar 10, 2017 7:27 am

@Riggerjack: I don't think we are all that different. I'm actually not a very good empathetic listener myself, due to constant internal dialogue (NT-moderate T, but 98%N.) However, I am curious about other people's experiences, and I have an empathetic presence (like Glenda the Good Witch or somewhat younger, svelter Mrs. Santa Claus or Cabbage Patch doll with wrinkles), so I sometimes pass.

IOW, I am a rational problem-solving type. I am not trying to evade finding a solution to this pattern. I am failing at finding a solution to this pattern. In a nutshell, I would say my problem is that I am more like a character out of Austen, but I tend towards finding myself engaged with men out of Bronte. The best word I could use to describe what all these men have in common is that they are much more DRAMATIC than me. Initially, I find this sort of behavior invigorating or amusing, but eventually I find it exhausting and oxygen-sucking. Theories:

1) Elizabeth Taylor would be perfect choice to play my mother in movie version of my life. Therefore, according to Freud, I am doomed to this pattern.

2) Almost all the men with whom I have formed significant relationship have been middle-child, first son, and sandwiched between two sisters. Therefore, according to sibling-relationship-therapy theory, since I am the first born of 4 sisters, I tend towards being comfortable in the oldest sister role, but I have difficulty with the lack of co-operation etc. many males exhibit, due to no experience with brothers. So, still semi-doomed to repeat pattern.

3) I am secretly inclined towards more assertive, dramatic behavior myself, but have become repressed, so seek to affiliate with others who express this quality. Seems unlikely, but the prognosis would be more hopeful. I would just have to re-read a number of books along the lines of "Release Your Inner Sassy Bitch" follow the directions offered, and thereby find cure. My sister once attempted to cure her addiction to dating male guitarists by learning to play guitar herself. Only moderately successful, since she still ended up marrying a guitarist.

4) Make more of an effort to date men I don't initially find attractive. I have attempted this with quite mixed, but uniformly very poor results.

5) Determine that the way out of my rut is to abandon serial monogamy altogether and attempt polyamory. Worked very well for a short while, but then something like collapse of solar system or end of 8 year old attempting juggling occurred.

I am open to any or all alternative suggestions.

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Dragline
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Re: Living with Careerist

Post by Dragline » Fri Mar 10, 2017 7:43 am

I'm tempted to just poke you and say "get a dog", but I think you already have one.

Now laugh at my inappropriate "one-size-fits-all" solution, dammit. :lol:

7Wannabe5
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Re: Living with Careerist

Post by 7Wannabe5 » Fri Mar 10, 2017 8:15 am

@Dragline: Unfortunately, due to severe allergies in childhood, I lack the ability to fill-in-the-blank with a dog. I miraculously lost most of my allergies in my mid-30s, but I retain the aversion to fur. Also, I currently live with my sister who does fill-in-the-blank with 3 dogs, so if anything I am currently in canine overload. And, I am experiencing no lack of humans who would like to cuddle with me. I have never experienced a lack of humans who would like to cuddle with me, except when I was married to a non-cuddly human. Luckily, picking a non-cuddly human for monogamous long-term contract was a one-time mistake, NOT a pattern. My current BF and my last three SOs were just as DRAMATIC as my ex-husband, but on the complete other end of the spectrum of cuddly.

I would also like to note for the record that one of my recent polyamours was NOT a dramatic type, and I was a little bit in love with him, and he was a good deal in love with me (might still be), but he was married. So, I don't know how to reconcile that.

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Re: Living with Careerist

Post by 7Wannabe5 » Fri Mar 10, 2017 9:16 am

Okay, attempting mid-ground between hopeless dilemma and superficial solution. I grew up with a mother who suffered from untreated bi-polar 2 for many years, so I normalized a good deal of extreme behavior. So, I have a sort of anti-anxiety syndrome where I only become fully alert in extreme situations that truly demand it. So, to some extent I seek out extreme situations, so that I can feel alert. For instance, riding my bike through Detroit neighborhoods that many people wouldn't even drive through makes me feel free and like everything is very vivid. So, maybe if I attempted a sport like bungee-jumping, I would be able to inhibit my tendency towards choosing men who exhibit dramatic behavior.

I have also considered the possibility that I am exaggerating or over-reacting myself, but I think the objective evidence is that the behavior is dramatic and extreme. For instance, my BF got into a fight with the guy who came to the door to do the census the other day. I do not think that is normal.

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vexed87
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Re: Living with Careerist

Post by vexed87 » Fri Mar 10, 2017 9:46 am

7Wannabe5 wrote:...but that is because it is reflective of my larger problem/pattern which is either figuring out how to avoid this opposites-attract trap I continually fall into OR come up with better strategies for maintaining my boundaries beyond simple avoidance and escape mechanisms and/or eventually and unexpectedly (even for me) blowing my top when the end of my long fuse is finally reached or the red light on my nuclear cooling tank finally pops on.
This whole excerpt screams INTP. You have basically described my relationship with DW, albeit with gender roles swapped, me being male INTP, if it isn't already obvious :lol:.

There's no getting away from the trap. We INTPs tend to get infatuated with these types, why? Because they are the opposite of us. These opposite types are fascinating and fill a hole deep in our psyche, they are the missing aspect of our own personality, a part we crave and seek out, it's one of the INTP's curses. Settling for any less would likely be resigning ourselves to a dull and miserable relationships, imaging dating yourself... yawn. So don't fight it. Learn to accept them for who they are, which being the INTP, I expect you have... for the most part. The trick is helping them on that same journey, it can be tumultuous, particularly if they are not initially open to learning to love you for who you are. But if you can crack it, and get them to avoid the temptation to force you to change. You might be on to a winner.

Could be here that you are feeling nervous about giving up some of your independence? That's usually my fear. Jump in, if you feel you've got no room to wiggle, then maybe the time will come to address it!

Disclaimer: I have a little less life experience than some members here, and still have plenty of disagreements with DW (who shows some similarities to your choices in life partners), but I think we do pretty well in the grand scheme!

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FBeyer
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Re: Living with Careerist

Post by FBeyer » Fri Mar 10, 2017 10:38 am

Dragline wrote:I'm tempted to just poke you and say "get a dog", but I think you already have one.

Now laugh at my inappropriate "one-size-fits-all" solution, dammit. :lol:
If you keep going on like that, we're going to replace you with a very small bash script.

IlliniDave
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Re: Living with Careerist

Post by IlliniDave » Fri Mar 10, 2017 10:56 am

7Wannabe5 wrote:
... I am open to any or all alternative suggestions.
My first one would be, in this instance, to avoid trying to paint everything in theories and literary allusions. Look at how you feel about the guy you're with now. Write it down in words of no more than two syllables. Goal is average word length less than 1.2 syllables. Anglo-Saxon-derived words strongly preferred. No figures of speech allowed. No allusions, references, or comparisons. Bring no other man into it. Fifty words max. Don't share it with anyone. Destroy it when you are done.

If he's a keeper, keep him. If not, kick him to the curb.

And if it's the latter then Riggerjack is probably right. If you truly want a change, then take yourself out of active man-hunting mode, live your life as a standalone person, and see what happens. Perspective requires distance. Change requires change.

7Wannabe5
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Re: Living with Careerist

Post by 7Wannabe5 » Fri Mar 10, 2017 12:08 pm

@vexed87: I appreciate your optimistic take. I was drifting a bit into terrible, easy, modern tendency towards assigning pathology to every behavior in my above posts. I usually test eNTP, so when I am in relationship with men who are more introverted dramatic type (hyper-sensitive artist-male equivalent of bitchy ballerina type), I swing more "E" myself, and when I am in relationship with men who are more extroverted dramatic type (brash, loud, domineering-male equivalent of stereotype of large, bossy woman who hen-pecks her smaller, more introverted husband), I swing more into my "I" house. Not infrequently, I find myself in relationship with men who are some combination of both these types due to a combination of cultural, nurtured or inherent tendencies. For instance, a man who has an artistic temperament, but grew up in a rough neighborhood, would likely exhibit a mix of brash and sensitive dramatic behaviors. My current BF is definitely an FJ, only slightly more extroverted than me, and I can never tell whether somebody is S or not, since I am more N than everybody.

So, my question for you would be how do you exert your boundaries, so that you don't end up hen-pecked into a tiny corner or eventually decimated by constant criticism?


@IlliniDave: What you are suggesting sounds even slightly more difficult for me than attempting the BRUTE method of weight loss. Therefore, I probably ought to at least attempt it in the interest of personal growth. It seems like this would mostly be a process of trying to be more J than P (decisive), but maybe more S than N too (no looping chains of thought allowed), and a little bit more F than T, since your instructions were that the one syllable words were supposed to describe how I feel, not how I think.

However, I would like to note for the record that I have not concsiously engaged in the counter-productive activity of "man-hunting" since late adolescence, so I will re-phrase your instruction as "do not actively or overtly signal availability to men interested in possibility of pursuit/conquest/etc.etc." IOW, "purposefully don some variety of off-putting behavioral burka."

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Riggerjack
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Re: Living with Careerist

Post by Riggerjack » Fri Mar 10, 2017 12:54 pm

Eh. more like this:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-4EDhdAHrOg

@7w5,
If anybody is dating someone described as
hyper-sensitive artist-male equivalent of bitchy ballerina type
or
brash, loud, domineering-male equivalent of stereotype of large, bossy woman who hen-pecks her smaller, more introverted husband
I would say well done! Get some!

Now get out.

These dramatic types are great, for a short period of time. F8ck em, don't live with them.

Rock crawlers and Lamborghinis make for a great day of driving but a miserable commuter car. If you are looking short term, go drive a Lamborghini. Then put it in the garage. Take it out again when you can dedicate the time and effort. Commuting in it will not be a good experience for either of you.

If you are looking to commute, you need to address your driving style. Then you can work on your car search.

Long term relationships require skills. Apparently, the kind of skills you haven't acquired yet. Only you can decide if you want the longer term enough to make the changes. If not, then both you and your current ride will be happier if you stop trying to turn a short term thing into a long term thing. This is not what he will tell you until it's over, so don't blame him. This is always your choice. There is nothing wrong with serial monogamy, or polyamory, or celibacy. You have to choose what is right for you, right now.

7Wannabe5
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Re: Living with Careerist

Post by 7Wannabe5 » Fri Mar 10, 2017 3:36 pm

Riggerjack said: Long term relationships require skills. Apparently, the kind of skills you haven't acquired yet. Only you can decide if you want the longer term enough to make the changes. If not, then both you and your current ride will be happier if you stop trying to turn a short term thing into a long term thing. This is not what he will tell you until it's over, so don't blame him. This is always your choice. There is nothing wrong with serial monogamy, or polyamory, or celibacy. You have to choose what is right for you, right now.
Well, I was married for 19 years, but that was more of an endurance ordeal than a skills-based success. I might not be reading you right, but it seems like you are placing me more in a vulnerable young girl perspective than I currently inhabit. In recent years, I have more often suffered from "guilt due to leading the poor guy on" than "hurt/resentment" after break-ups. It has been my experience that older (over 44?) men want long-term relationships more than older women, whereas younger women want long-term relationships more than younger men (Give or take a good deal for personality type/personal experience.) I have definitely gotten my sexual ya-yas out of my system in the 10 years that have passed since my divorce, but maybe I haven't given myself enough time/space/freedom to work on my personal project file without having to compromise my agenda. I think the longest period I have spent celibate since the age of 15 was maybe 5 months, and that would have been over 30 years ago. Unfortunately, I am more than a bit concerned that if I attempt the practice of celibacy at my advanced age of 52, the practice might stick, especially if I lapse into menopause in the interim. I know, I know, kind of like me worrying about becoming anorexic when contemplating another attempt at the Atkins plan (sigh.)

I am such a wimp about initiating break-ups, I have even gone so far as to try to make myself look ugly in the hope that maybe I can get him to dump me instead. Do NOT invite me to your ranch on the day you need to kill the chickens. Aaaargh...

IlliniDave
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Re: Living with Careerist

Post by IlliniDave » Fri Mar 10, 2017 3:46 pm

7Wannabe5 wrote: @IlliniDave: What you are suggesting sounds even slightly more difficult for me than attempting the BRUTE method of weight loss. Therefore, I probably ought to at least attempt it in the interest of personal growth. It seems like this would mostly be a process of trying to be more J than P (decisive), but maybe more S than N too (no looping chains of thought allowed), and a little bit more F than T, since your instructions were that the one syllable words were supposed to describe how I feel, not how I think.

However, I would like to note for the record that I have not concsiously engaged in the counter-productive activity of "man-hunting" since late adolescence, so I will re-phrase your instruction as "do not actively or overtly signal availability to men interested in possibility of pursuit/conquest/etc.etc." IOW, "purposefully don some variety of off-putting behavioral burka."
The idea is to be blunt/direct and honest with yourself. Be primal. It's about what you want, not what you want other people to think about what you want. Or even what you think about what you want.

Of course I laughed when I saw that you tried to map my suggestion into B-M space. :D Exactly the kind of thing I'm suggesting you avoid in the exercise.

There are many ways to hunt. Not all of them involve stalking and chasing. Providing some sort of signal (calls, decoys, bait, etc.) to attract quarry is hunting just as much as a cheetah running down a gazelle. I wasn't thinking along the lines of acting like a nun. Just treat men like regular people rather than potential conquests (even though you let them think they are doing the conquering ;) ). But that's not the end goal in-and-of-itself. Just a tactic to give you some space to clear your head in the event you want try a new approach.

But if you're happy where you're at/going, that's good, just keep going and don't worry about it!

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vexed87
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Re: Living with Careerist

Post by vexed87 » Fri Mar 10, 2017 4:25 pm

7Wannabe5 wrote:...So, my question for you would be how do you exert your boundaries, so that you don't end up hen-pecked into a tiny corner or eventually decimated by constant criticism?
I'm sure you're not meaning criticism to the point of emotional abuse, but rather misunderstandings of motivation? If its the former, it's definitely time to drop that hot potato! DW isn't really one for unfounded criticism, but it's fair to say she's liable to have a good moan or nag if something I happen to be doing is something she doesn't agree with. And I NEED my independence, it's my main boundary and achilles heel. :roll: I may contravene house rules like leaving the dishes undone whilst I'm out in the garage working on one of my dozen or so ongoing projects, or even worse, working on the bike for the 3rd night in a row while DW wants to watch some naff drama with me (like this is some inclusive hobby? zzz! :twisted: )

In true NT style, my typical response to nagging would be to pick holes in any irrational F argument, whilst simultaneously ignoring or completely misunderstanding her point... if DW has the energy, she'll commence with 'behaviour correction' mode. This may lead me to attempt that typical NTP conflict avoidance behaviour, particularly if my rational argument strikes a nerve and upsets her. Nit picking, if I can call it that, might get ramped up if DW interprets avoiding conflict as trying to hide something or attempting to divert from the problem (which I guess I am!). In the past, if she pressed long enough, I was likely to suffer one of the emotional melt downs you mentioned, I'd blow up and it would end in a bad row, but we got better at working things through over time as we learned how to avoid pressing each other's buttons. I suppose this is what I meant when I said not trying to change each other, and learning to love each other for who we are. As I age, those meltdowns have also become less frequent too, as DW helps me tune in with my F side. She coaches me in that respect, which is part of the attraction for this opposite type. Sadly, DW is less open for coaching in NT behaviours :roll: Also, I have since learned to do the dishes BEFORE I disappear to work on the bike, and DW is happy, for the most part! :lol:

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Sclass
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Re: Living with Careerist

Post by Sclass » Fri Mar 10, 2017 4:53 pm

7W - sounds like your living. I think the ups and downs are all part of the fun. Be happy you have something exciting to do. Go for it.

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ebast
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Re: Living with Careerist

Post by ebast » Fri Mar 10, 2017 5:06 pm

If I had to project down to a unidimensional figure of merit of prospective 7wb5 suitors, it would be what is the propensity of this man to show up at her lot with a pickup full of scavenged firewood rounds for hugelkultur, (I am sure it is fine if he shows up in a mercedes and workboots, but you get the idea). In simple mode one could evaluate any prospective relationship steps as, what is the likelihood of this action to increase the propensity of this man to show up with said lumber in hand?

(or more generally, how commensurate is this fellow with contributing/directing/reflecting energy toward your current projects & goals)

I pick that because I get the sense you have many projects and the challenge is not in acquiring new starts but in accomplishing any finishes. (I say this as someone prone to Scanner mindset but also with persistent frustration when all the externally-assumed short-term urgent-important and none of the long-term non-urgent-but-important tasks seem to finish themselves!) The obvious followup: what is the possibility moving in with this gentleman will generate a flurry of scrumptious Scanner-confetti projects to start on?

Perhaps some of these projects turn out coincident with yours and it sounds like it could. For all I know, this guy has a bug-out cabin up north which is just waiting to convert itself into a food-forested self-sufficient glen in need only of some more committed attention in the form of house-warming touches, a nurturing caretaker and a suitable library consisting of several thousand volumes no proper home should be without. So I allow it doesn't have to be your permaculture plot and understand after all that male lack-of-cooperation melts if they just think it's their own idea.

Also, in terms of information density, " I am more like a character out of Austen, but I tend towards finding myself engaged with men out of Bronte. " tells me a lot more and would lose precision and take an awful lot of one-syllable anglo-saxon (but please no celtic) words to explain without drift, probably come to think of it enough to fill a nineteenth century novel.

Also, I am a little surprised you don't generate entirely enough drama merely on your own!

7Wannabe5
Posts: 2545
Joined: Fri Oct 18, 2013 9:03 am

Re: Living with Careerist

Post by 7Wannabe5 » Sat Mar 11, 2017 10:01 am

You guys rock. Lots of excellent insight and advice.
ebast said: If I had to project down to a unidimensional figure of merit of prospective 7wb5 suitors, it would be what is the propensity of this man to show up at her lot with a pickup full of scavenged firewood rounds for hugelkultur, (I am sure it is fine if he shows up in a mercedes and workboots, but you get the idea). In simple mode one could evaluate any prospective relationship steps as, what is the likelihood of this action to increase the propensity of this man to show up with said lumber in hand?

(or more generally, how commensurate is this fellow with contributing/directing/reflecting energy toward your current projects & goals)

I pick that because I get the sense you have many projects and the challenge is not in acquiring new starts but in accomplishing any finishes. (I say this as someone prone to Scanner mindset but also with persistent frustration when all the externally-assumed short-term urgent-important and none of the long-term non-urgent-but-important tasks seem to finish themselves!)
Exactly, with my bold emphasis. I am going to sink into the lowest pit of lack of self-esteem on the entire planet if I don't complete my perma-culture project by Autumnal Equinox 2022. I don't care whether or not I get married again, or otherwise exhibit success in achieving/maintaining committed long-term relationship. I don't even care very much whether I save up a lot of money. I am hanging out on this forum because I am trying to improve my functioning in my adult masculine quadrant towards better achievement of mastery and goal completion. IOW, I am in the phase of life which many middle-aged females who were previously heavily engaged in child-rearing would devote to CAREER, except I am NOT a careerist. However, I am also a person who very much wants to have an active sex life, and prefers to have something resembling a relationship with her sex partner(s.)

The funny thing is that my ex-polyamour who I referred to as the Permaculture Manager is obviously the most likely man to show up at my lot with a load of wood for hugerkultur, and he has, in fact, done this and many other similar behaviors on many occasions. He just called me recently because he is excited about getting started again with the project this spring. HOWEVER, he would be a TERRIBLE choice for a long-term relationship partner for me (or anybody!), because he is not cuddly, he drinks too much, he is always later than he says he will be, -super-super-bossy, and irredeemably single-non-committal (53, never married, no kids, longest relationship lasted only a few years.)

Last summer, all 3 of the men I was seeing were helping me with my project one way or another, and I was happy, but then somehow the system got out of whack. Probably, I should just follow the example of the Reverend E. P. Roe in his 1871 market-garden near West Point, NY and attempt to hire street urchins at the rate of a penny and a half per quart berries picked.

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