What is relationship 'chemistry' ??

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chenda
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What is relationship 'chemistry' ??

Post by chenda » Mon Sep 05, 2016 5:33 pm

Someone just told me (via text message of all things) that we don't have 'any chemistry'

I don't know what 'chemistry' is and after reading about it am none the wiser, other than I don't think it's something I've ever experienced.

Is it just another word for rapport ?

slsdly
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Re: What is relationship 'chemistry' ??

Post by slsdly » Mon Sep 05, 2016 5:38 pm

I understand "no chemistry" as "lacking in sexual tension." I have the dubious honour of being an expert on the subject apparently ;).

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Kriegsspiel
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Re: What is relationship 'chemistry' ??

Post by Kriegsspiel » Mon Sep 05, 2016 6:53 pm

I'm pretty sure it's carbon.

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BRUTE
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Re: What is relationship 'chemistry' ??

Post by BRUTE » Mon Sep 05, 2016 7:29 pm

organic or inorganic chemistry? in any case, brute is convinced it has to do with chenda's organs.

George the original one
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Re: What is relationship 'chemistry' ??

Post by George the original one » Mon Sep 05, 2016 8:04 pm

Relationship chemistry, electricity, energy... it's definitely a thing. You get close to each other and the sparks fly, mutual dirty minds or something clicks. I'm lucky to have experienced it with several ex-girlfriends and currently with my wife. 3 ex-girlfriends & 1 wife out of about 10 relationships.

In the case of one ex, it's practically inexplicable because she's not attractive and we don't see eye-to-eye on sooo many things. The official dating period only lasted 2 or 3 months before we ended that, however we couldn't stay away from each other. Fortunately I'm safe from the complications as she is usually living on the other side of the world. A few years ago she asked me why we didn't stay together and all I had to do was tell her she knew the answer... "You're right, we would have killed each other."

How do I recognize it? In this ex's case, she walked into the room with a certain sashay and I just knew we'd be in bed. It wasn't a case of "oh, I'd like to...", it was more like "she's gonna be trouble!" She's a good friend to keep distant, LOL.

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Ego
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Re: What is relationship 'chemistry' ??

Post by Ego » Mon Sep 05, 2016 8:43 pm

George is singlehandedly responsible for his location description. :geek:

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BRUTE
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Re: What is relationship 'chemistry' ??

Post by BRUTE » Mon Sep 05, 2016 9:48 pm

for some more actionable advice: brute knows nothing about the human female, but has overheard human males saying that one only needs to be an asshole to them to attract them.

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Re: What is relationship 'chemistry' ??

Post by enigmaT120 » Mon Sep 05, 2016 11:46 pm

No, if that worked I'm pretty sure I would know it by now.

IlliniDave
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Re: What is relationship 'chemistry' ??

Post by IlliniDave » Tue Sep 06, 2016 4:00 am

Depends somewhat on context, but usually "chemistry" = "wants to pursue/maintain intimate physical relationship". Citing lack of chemistry would then be saying that the person doesn't want to "go there". I wouldn't overthink it. Though it's a real thing, albeit nebulous, in the dating world it's most often a code phrase used when a person does not feel enough of the right kinds of attraction to have romantic interest in the other party. Because it is somewhat nebulous it's an easy out--a way of declining another's interest without having to be specific (the person may not be able to enunciate specifics, or may not want to say things they think would be hurtful).

BRUTE, there are women out there (and I'm sure there's a male analogy) who have a pattern of repeatedly winding up with a$$holes. Not just any run-of-the-mill a$$hole, but the sugar coated ones. I know several women who fall into the pattern. Those women are best avoided unless you just want to continually play that game.

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FBeyer
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Re: What is relationship 'chemistry' ??

Post by FBeyer » Tue Sep 06, 2016 4:17 am

Ego wrote:George is singlehandedly responsible for his location description. :geek:
If it didn't deteriorate into an endless social-media kind of thumb-whoring, I'd strongly advocate for the implementation of a +/- system on this forum so I could reciprocate in some non-intrusive manner to posts such as yours. :lol:

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chenda
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Re: What is relationship 'chemistry' ??

Post by chenda » Tue Sep 06, 2016 7:20 am

So it could be defined simply as a mutual attraction, usually a mutual sexual attraction ?

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Re: What is relationship 'chemistry' ??

Post by jacob » Tue Sep 06, 2016 8:27 am

Nah... mutual attraction is more like relationship-physics :geek:

Chemistry is about the reactions (usually sexual, but chemistry can also be used to describe other effects, e.g. teamwork, collaboration, discussions, ... ) that happen when two reactants mix.

Good chemistry: baking soda and lemon juice
No chemistry: water and salt water
Bad chemistry: ammonia and bleach (don't do this at home)

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chemistry_(relationship)

7Wannabe5
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Re: What is relationship 'chemistry' ??

Post by 7Wannabe5 » Tue Sep 06, 2016 9:10 am

@Ego-ROTFLMAO

I mostly agree with Gtoo, but since I suffered the great misfortune (shakes fist at sky and curses the manufacturers of Today brand contraceptive sponge) to find myself stuck in a marriage with a man with whom I did not share great chemistry from the get-go, I have been motivated to do a good deal of research on this topic. Therefore, I don't believe that it is always so ineffable.

Every human being is an extremely complex special snowflake, but there are some rules of thumb for behaviors that are generally more likely to be more effective at increasing sexual chemistry, tension or attraction.
or some more actionable advice: brute knows nothing about the human female, but has overheard human males saying that one only needs to be an asshole to them to attract them.
Sigh. I have often heard this myself from men who have not gone to the trouble to reflect upon and practice the sort of behaviors most likely to signal confidence, dominance and status. Now, you might argue that it would be good-er if females sexually responded to the reality of such qualities rather than the superficial signal, and I might agree and add that it would also be good-er if men more often sexually responded to the more amiable qualities signaled by the behavior and appearance of Aunt Bee from the Andy Griffith Show rather than the visual variety of your typical highly-trafficked porn-site. But, sex was not something invented by human beings for the good of human beings, so we have to accept it for what it is and how it does work, unless we wish to instead engage in a practice of solitary mortification and spirituality transcending the barbarous faculties and tendencies of the flesh such as was recommended by Mithras of the shrunken leg, and/or relationships that exist or subsist primarily or only on the level of velcro-paw-monkey-doll cuddle-food-share-buddies AKA human emotional support through oxytocin-exchange and joint-calorie-acquisition animals. IOW, bear in mind that the qualities that make you a uniquely lovable and valuable human being are not necessarily those that will make you highly or widely sexually successful. It is possible that there is a lid for every pot, but it can get a bit tiring endlessly digging through the cupboard using counter-productive methods.


Anyways, the good thing about the fact that sexual arousal is a transient event and sexual attraction can be rather superficial, is that you almost always have the opportunity to push the re-set button. Like any other skill set, the first step is modeling behavior. Think of another human being who shares some of your characteristics (could be your uncle or a celebrity) which can't be changed, but is known for having "luck" with the ladies then practice doing what he does. For instance, if I am feeling nervous about meeting a blind date for coffee, I might pretend that something my date doesn't know about me is that when I was in my 20s, I appeared nude in a very well-reviewed art-house film. Some very conventionally attractive men can just passively attract attractive women, but usually men are going to have to exhibit some kind of effort towards pursuit and/or courtship display. A very simple and effective dominant gesture to learn would be gaining comfort with placing your hand firmly on or at a woman's waist. This is a very strong signal that you are taking the lead in the masculine. An easy and fairly acceptable context in which you might exhibit this behavior is after opening a door for her. Won't likely make her fall to her knees, but will put her a bit more on alert that she may need to give you some more serious consideration.

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GandK
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Re: What is relationship 'chemistry' ??

Post by GandK » Tue Sep 06, 2016 10:59 am

'Chemistry' is a more socially acceptable way of saying 'sexual attraction.'

For me, being initially attracted to a guy is a combination of scent, appearance, and the amount and type of eye contact we make. In that order. Staying attracted for more than 5 minutes is about intelligence, sense of humor, the absence of irritating personal habits, and Things In Common. Also in that order.

But, alas, the second must follow the first.

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BRUTE
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Re: What is relationship 'chemistry' ??

Post by BRUTE » Tue Sep 06, 2016 11:27 am

suffice to say she doesn't want the C. but no worries, chenda, there are plenty more F in the S. wax on, wax off.

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chenda
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Re: What is relationship 'chemistry' ??

Post by chenda » Tue Sep 06, 2016 11:31 am

GandK wrote:'Chemistry' is a more socially acceptable way of saying 'sexual attraction.'
Thanks, now I understand!

7Wannabe5
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Re: What is relationship 'chemistry' ??

Post by 7Wannabe5 » Tue Sep 06, 2016 12:12 pm

GandK said: For me, being initially attracted to a guy is a combination of scent, appearance, and the amount and type of eye contact we make. In that order. Staying attracted for more than 5 minutes is about intelligence, sense of humor, the absence of irritating personal habits, and Things In Common. Also in that order.

But, alas, the second must follow the first.
Don't you find voice to be an important first factor? One thing I hate about phone dates is I am frequently duped into believing that a man will prove to be attractive in person by the timbre of his speech. Also, although it is true that an unattractive scent, such as cheap cologne on top of dusty/musty or the smell of beer-spilled-on-never-shampooed-hockey-rink-carpet, can be an instant turn-off, I am usually slower to attain, and more likely to stay stuck due to positive scent bond. The expensive perfume formulated for men that is produced in the Middle East is actually fairly effective as a ploy.

A man has to be fairly confident to make and maintain eye contact. I am generally too shy to do much of either. One sure sign that I have been on way too many first dates is that I am capable of almost instantly ascertaining whether a man is interested in me sexually, romantically, both, or neither, based on whether he exhibits "hard eyes", "soft eyes","goo-goo eyes" or "escape eyes." Also, it never happens that a man makes and maintains eye contact with me and then tells me that I have pretty eyes, and then doesn't offer instant-upgrade-from-coffee-to-dinner or ask me on a second date. In fact, I am surprised when an offer for a second date is not preceded by a positive comment on either my eyes or my hair. However, the gentlemen with whom I later found myself to be most sexually compatible, when pressed for further information at later juncture, have pretty much uniformly copped to the fact that their decision was made in the instant they first saw me walking ahead of them.

My survey of middle-aged men has also informed me that the number one most likely to turn-off behavior exhibited by otherwise attractive females is interrogation. I try to explain that this behavior is due to the fact that modern society gives females the responsibility of having to take on the role of being their own Daddy-with-a-shotgun, but to little avail.

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GandK
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Re: What is relationship 'chemistry' ??

Post by GandK » Tue Sep 06, 2016 12:44 pm

7Wannabe5 wrote:Don't you find voice to be an important first factor?
It needs to not turn me off. Like most women I've discussed this with, I do globally find deeper and throatier male voices more appealing (evidence of more testosterone... I similarly find baldness attractive). But a male voice just needs to not turn me off, either by being prissy or by somehow evoking in me the memory of another man that I do not like.

But, no. I am all about the scent. Whatever else a guy has going for him, if he smells off, then no dice.

And for the other forumites, by "off" I do not mean bad or unhygienic or that I don’t like his cologne. I mean my nose can tell that he is biologically Not For Me, and I am conscious of this.
7Wannabe5 wrote:A man has to be fairly confident to make and maintain eye contact. I am generally too shy to do much of either. One sure sign that I have been on way too many first dates is that I am capable of almost instantly ascertaining whether a man is interested in me sexually, romantically, both, or neither, based on whether he exhibits "hard eyes", "soft eyes","goo-goo eyes" or "escape eyes."
Yes, yes and yes to that. The eyes have it. There is definitely an ideal amount of eye contact in each situation one finds oneself in with a man. Like pornography, I don't know that I could adequately describe it, but I know it when I see it. And in a somewhat Pavlovian way, I respond to those ideal levels.

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Dragline
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Re: What is relationship 'chemistry' ??

Post by Dragline » Tue Sep 06, 2016 1:25 pm

GandK wrote:
7Wannabe5 wrote:Don't you find voice to be an important first factor?
It needs to not turn me off. Like most women I've discussed this with, I do globally find deeper and throatier male voices more appealing (evidence of more testosterone... I similarly find baldness attractive). But a male voice just needs to not turn me off, either by being prissy or by somehow evoking in me the memory of another man that I do not like.
Did I ever tell you about my Barry White impersonations . . . :lol:

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BRUTE
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Re: What is relationship 'chemistry' ??

Post by BRUTE » Tue Sep 06, 2016 1:27 pm

7Wannabe5 wrote:My survey of middle-aged men has also informed me that the number one most likely to turn-off behavior exhibited by otherwise attractive females is interrogation.
brute can attest to this. to brute, excessive interrogation feels like she's just going through a checklist, shopping for a new hair dryer. brute does not enjoy feeling like a hair dryer.

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GandK
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Re: What is relationship 'chemistry' ??

Post by GandK » Tue Sep 06, 2016 2:24 pm

Dragline wrote:Did I ever tell you about my Barry White impersonations . . . :lol:
They work. They do. It's disgusting. :oops: :D

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Re: What is relationship 'chemistry' ??

Post by 7Wannabe5 » Tue Sep 06, 2016 2:41 pm

brute can attest to this. to brute, excessive interrogation feels like she's just going through a checklist, shopping for a new hair dryer. brute does not enjoy feeling like a hair dryer.
Right, but if you don't learn to tolerate some of this sort of behavior, you are more likely to end up with a partner who is not an otherwise careful shopper.There are at least 4 reasons why you might choose to be cautious about involving yourself with a female who does not interrogate. She might be (1)naive to the point of idiocy, (2)just looking for fun, (3)extremely risk-tolerant, or a (4)total shark engaged in some sort of deep and devious play. Currently, both (2) and (3) are true about me, but if/when I am seriously looking for serious, some questions I have asked have been:

1) What would you do if we were camping and a raccoon was eating the food in our cooler?

2) What would you do if a bat flew into a room where we were sleeping together?

3) How often do you generally initiate sex if you are in a long-term monogamous relationship past the phase of limerence?

4) What is your MBTI profile type?

5) Are you generally willing to try new foods?

6) Why would I choose to follow you into a dark alley?

Of course, better filtering practice, based on long tested convention, would be to simply relax, observe behavior and make note of how a man spends his money, holds his liquor, loses his temper, and handles his horses ;)

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BRUTE
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Re: What is relationship 'chemistry' ??

Post by BRUTE » Tue Sep 06, 2016 5:29 pm

7Wannabe5 wrote:Right, but if you don't learn to tolerate some of this sort of behavior, you are more likely to end up with a partner who is not an otherwise careful shopper.
or no partner. which solves many problems.

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Re: What is relationship 'chemistry' ??

Post by IlliniDave » Tue Sep 06, 2016 6:08 pm

chenda wrote:So it could be defined simply as a mutual attraction, usually a mutual sexual attraction ?
Yes, that is how I would define it.

IlliniDave
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Re: What is relationship 'chemistry' ??

Post by IlliniDave » Tue Sep 06, 2016 6:15 pm

BRUTE wrote:
7Wannabe5 wrote:My survey of middle-aged men has also informed me that the number one most likely to turn-off behavior exhibited by otherwise attractive females is interrogation.
brute can attest to this. to brute, excessive interrogation feels like she's just going through a checklist, shopping for a new hair dryer. brute does not enjoy feeling like a hair dryer.
iDave is with Brute on this one. Extremely annoying and an almost instant deal breaker. I guess there's a reason some of us wind up the way we do.

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