Moving in with a partner...

[FRx]

I was wondering if you guys have any book recommendations or advice for moving in with a significant other. I've been in a long-term relationship and I will be moving into her place in Northern California for a few months until we can find a place together. We've talked about marriage and stuff but that won't be until later down the road, if the move in and stuff goes well.

I was recently reading a great relationship book, so anything on cohabitation that you guys recommend would be good.

[Ego]

We did the Engagement Encounter weekend as we were getting married in the Catholic Church. I am not (and was not then) Catholic. In fact, at the time I was what you might call an anti-Catholic and went into the weekend metaphorically kicking and screaming.

It was exceptional. I would highly recommend it for anyone who wants to begin a marriage/relationship with a solid foundation of skills, habits and unified goals. The weekend is formatted to encourage those difficult conversations that many couples avoid, the ones that later cause problems that lead to divorce. I'm still pretty much anti-Catholic but I recommend Engagement Encounter to anyone who will listen. Go figure.

Some diocese do not require either partner to be a Catholic. YMMV.

[Riggerjack]

I don't know the program above but I do believe that happy relationships require skills. Some inherit those skills, I had to consciously learn them. I would like to recommend source material, but honestly, I learned by watching my friends. I'd never seen healthy relationships until my late 20's, and thought they were pretty fascinating. The level of awareness and intentions were entirely new to me.

My quick take away was everybody is happy in the beginning of the relationship. But it is easy to relax and stop doing the little things you do to make sure your partner feels loved. Don't do that. And hold hands wherever you go together.

[FBeyer]

I think there are five or so basic ways of showing affection, but everyone assumes that we all show affection the same way. Figure out exactly what makes you tick, as well as your partner.

Some people hate hugs from behind when they're in the kitchen stirring pots, others thrive off of spontaneous physical affection.

Some people think doing household chores is a great way to show their love, I personally could not think of a more sterile way to show affection.

Get this right soon and make it part of how you interact with each other on a daily basis.

Also: communicate. Telepathy gets you into trouble, voicing concerns before they become issues keeps trouble away.

[vexed87]

+1 to Ego's suggestion, I did something similar, also non-catholic. Extremely worthwhile. Now married happily.

The key is to start talking early about what you both expect of each other, from life, for families, will one of you be a stay at home parent, i.e. how many kids, how you will raise them. Learn about each others values etc.

There's no pressure to do this before you move in together, but definitely before marriage or family. However, I believe it is still better to get any incompatibilities out in the air now, rather than 3-5 years down the line. You may be able to work on them, or at least you can save a lot of heart ache and go your separate ways.

[7Wannabe5]

FBeyer said: Some people think doing household chores is a great way to show their love, I personally could not think of a more sterile way to show affection.

lol- The Acts of Service love language is not about "doing chores." It's about putting your own personal effort and creativity into something rather than just spending money or giving lip service. I am so down with a man doing something like building me some bookshelves. I am so not down with having to mow the lawn myself, and hearing the old guy next door yelling "Hey Blondie! Why don't you get your man to do that?" for the 100th time. By the end of my marriage, I had created an alternate fantasy husband named Hank, who had biceps that were visible through the well-worn flannel shirt he always wore along with his tool belt, and he never lost his temper and threw things when his tools didn't work. Also, I try to remember to not to bake a homemade pie for a man if I don't want to bond him to me quite strongly.

The 5 Love Languages (in theory) are Physical Affection, Acts of Service, Quality Time, Word of Appreciation/Affirmation, and Gifts. Physical Affection is #1 with a bullet for me, with Acts of Service and Quality Time tied for second. It's not that I don't like it when a man says "You are so pretty and nice. I bought you this shiny thing.", but it doesn't really flip my switch. You are supposed to try to learn your partner's love languages and teach your own.

[ThisDinosaur]

Don't let moving in together be synonymous with combining all finances. Money always ends up as a point of contention in long relationships. So its best to work out early who pays for what, how rent and utilities are split, etc. That way, nobody is compelled to critique each others purchases since it doesn't affect their own bottom line.

The book "Hold Me Tight" by Sue Johnson is based on Emotionally Focused Therapy approaches. The basic idea is that successful relationships aren't based on compromise and communication. They are based on non-rational emotional attachment.

https://www.amazon.com/Hold-Me-Tight-Co ... 1491513810

[FRx]

Good stuff. I have to figure out that Engagement Encounter thing, I'm sure there has to be a local program.

[jennypenny]

You can do an Encounter online, but I think you get more out of it in a group setting. You could also book a few sessions with a marriage counselor who would help you work out some of the kinks in your communication and conflict resolution skills. The encounter weekend is better for discussing expectations and hearing the experiences of others. A marriage counselor is more about learning specific skills.

Edited to add: If you're worried about money issues (meaning disagreements about how to spend it), many churches also run Dave Ramsey-type programs that help couples address those specific issues. Warning ... some are more evangelical in nature and stress gender roles in financial management. Look for ones that are more gender neutral. Mainstream Protestant churches usually offer the best ones.

[FBeyer]

FBeyer said: Some people think doing household chores is a great way to show their love, I personally could not think of a more sterile way to show affection.

lol- The Acts of Service love language is not about "doing chores." It's about putting your own personal effort and creativity into something rather than just spending money or giving lip service.

For you, perhaps, the affection comes through by putting your personal touch on something menial. Ive literally had GFs who claimed I didnt love them cause I spent more time pinching their butts when they were cooking rather than gather up dust balls around the house.

The cognitive dissonance came through like scraping a needle across an old LP... Who the hell thinks like that? Apparently, a rather large part of the population does.

[7Wannabe5]

FBeyer said: For you, perhaps, the affection comes through by putting your personal touch on something menial. Ive literally had GFs who claimed I didnt love them cause I spent more time pinching their butts when they were cooking rather than gather up dust balls around the house.

Well, you are preaching to the choir when you bring up "butt pinching", maybe if you followed right up with a strong arm around the waist up and over the counter-top move, they wouldn't have enough breath to bee-yotch about the dust balls