Open relationship?

How to explain ERE, arranging family matters
7Wannabe5
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Re: Open relationship?

Post by 7Wannabe5 » Tue Jul 26, 2016 12:34 pm

There's a word for you, and that word is S-P-O-I-L-E-D ;)

I am feeling a bit confused, like I have painted myself into a three-dimensional corner, with my practice of poly-amory at the moment. I am amusing myself with the notion that I am going to be like a modern-day female version of Travis McGee. I want to leave all my partners in objectively better shape when I leave them than they were in when I found them. Like when you go hiking in a public park and you pick up some garbage somebody else left behind, or if you donate some books to the library when you return the ones you borrowed, or if you help with a minor repair and send a bread and butter note when you are a house guest. However, if they feel like they are subjectively worse off because they no longer have as much of my time or attention as they desire then that is their problem. I do not belong to anybody except myself.

I think I am going to have to make the cut based on a ratio of (quality of sex)/(time I am bored in company because I am stuck in a room with a baseball game on etc. etc.) + (services/resources provided in support of my primary perma-culture mission.) And, I have to stop letting or de facto encouraging any of them to provide me with treats. I have to practice frowning rather than smiling when I hear the words "ice cream."

enigmaT120
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Re: Open relationship?

Post by enigmaT120 » Tue Jul 26, 2016 2:02 pm

Mmmm, ice cream.

wood
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Re: Open relationship?

Post by wood » Wed Jul 27, 2016 6:15 am

As long as you don't have the mindset that you need to "fix" your partners, you should be fine.

I'm very spoiled, and had the best Sunday morning ever :) Woke up in between the two, with birds chattering outside and the sun shining on me through the bedroom window. We stayed there for a couple of hours before stumbling our way to the park to sunbathe. I'm not yet convinced that this day actually happened. I will use this thread as part of my diary. Miss S is coming back on Aug 7th and stay for a few days.

7Wannabe5
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Re: Open relationship?

Post by 7Wannabe5 » Wed Jul 27, 2016 8:14 am

8888888888888
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7Wannabe5
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Re: Open relationship?

Post by 7Wannabe5 » Wed Jul 27, 2016 10:46 am

88888888888888
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7Wannabe5
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Re: Open relationship?

Post by 7Wannabe5 » Wed Jul 27, 2016 11:18 am

8888
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wood
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Re: Open relationship?

Post by wood » Thu Jul 28, 2016 3:20 am

How do you respond to them when they express interest in living together with you? In my situation, I'm married and living together with my partner, which I think makes things more complicated. Not complicated for us, but maybe for our partners. For example, Miss S is happily welcomed by both of us. But because we live together, it would feel weird for her to have a lasting/committing relationship with anyone of us. Had I or Megpie lived separately, she could have had some relationship with both of us.

An interesting side note is that Miss S has an older, rich manfriend in Singapore who happens to have paid for her travels and is happy that she is out there exploring the world. Apparently its not about sex for him, so I wonder what his deeper motive is. Company? Receiving care when he gets old? He's 45 now. Miss S loves him but can't see a lasting future together. This makes me want to suggest that she could keep him as a partner, but not restrict herself to him only. Yet she is convinced she either needs to choose him, or dump him and choose someone else.

What do you mean when you say your third partner probably wants to have sex with you "on primal level"? As opposed to what?

About standards, maybe you could ask yourself if you are justifying your caregiving behaviour by the fact that despite it all your standards are in sum being met, or is it the other way around? And, if this guys' sexual functioning is not meeting your standards and you start losing faith in him improving, there must clearly some other reasons apart from sex that you appreciate. Could you skip the sex and still keep the relationship intact and to your liking?

7Wannabe5
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Re: Open relationship?

Post by 7Wannabe5 » Thu Jul 28, 2016 6:54 am

wood said: How do you respond to them when they express interest in living together with you?
Well, since one currently lives with his wife and the other has not yet purchased a house post-divorce, these suggestions, although quite overt, remain in the realm of tentative. However, I have made it clear to both of them that my perma-culture project is my primary objective until 2022, and I greatly value my current level of independence.

An interesting side note is that Miss S has an older, rich manfriend in Singapore who happens to have paid for her travels and is happy that she is out there exploring the world. Apparently its not about sex for him, so I wonder what his deeper motive is. Company? Receiving care when he gets old? He's 45 now. Miss S loves him but can't see a lasting future together. This makes me want to suggest that she could keep him as a partner, but not restrict herself to him only. Yet she is convinced she either needs to choose him, or dump him and choose someone else.
This is coherent with my experience with both older men and men who are older. It's likely more along the lines that what he wants primarily is a certain form of companionship which is kind of like having a pet more than it is like having a partner. It is very common for older men to have two women in their lives, one vaguely in the role of "big sister" and the other in the role of "little sister.", but usually only one of these relationships is sexual, and the other is filled by a female relative or a friend. My family-of-origin-sibling-position-training makes me more suited for the "big sister" role, but my permanently child-like ENTP personality type makes me more suited for the "little sister" role, so I can flip-flop. Kind of depends on to what extent I would prefer to be respected vs. adored. For instance, when I was in a relationship with an older wealthy man who was still best friends and co-trust administer with his ex-wife/mother-of-his-3-adult-sons, there was an occasion over dinner when he said to me "I was discussing matters with ex-wife, and we agreed that maybe I ought to buy you a car.", and he didn't understand why I almost stabbed him with my fork. OTOH, in my opinion and experience, being stuck in a non-sexualized "big sister" role in relationship to a man you love sucks rocks even harder.
Last edited by 7Wannabe5 on Tue Aug 02, 2016 3:29 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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fiby41
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Re: Open relationship?

Post by fiby41 » Thu Jul 28, 2016 11:18 am

To me, an open relationship means people close to me know that I am in a relationship.

7Wannabe5
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Re: Open relationship?

Post by 7Wannabe5 » Thu Jul 28, 2016 2:50 pm

Most people I know, including everybody from the ladies in my water aerobics class, and my adult children, and my ex-mother-in-law are aware of the fact that I am currently practicing polyamory and/or dating 3 men at the same time. My DS28 was born in the wrong century, so he has informed me that he would be happy to make the acquaintance of any of my gentlemen friends upon the occasion of my nuptials, but not prior. The ladies in water aerobics told me "You go girl. Represent!" Some of my partners are more circumspect in various ways, but that's their problem. I am sex positive and think everybody should bring their practice, whatever it is, out of the closet. One truism I've heard is "Everybody has a sex life, but not necessarily one you would like to share." Many people do not have nearly as vibrant of a sex life as they could have if they didn't keep it such a big secret.

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GandK
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Re: Open relationship?

Post by GandK » Thu Jul 28, 2016 3:11 pm

7Wannabe5 wrote:Many people do not have nearly as vibrant of a sex life as they could have if they didn't keep it such a big secret.
Huh. Privacy is a huge part of intimacy for me. And I don't mean sex with the windows shut. I mean secrecy itself is a thrill to me.

Perhaps I'm repressed.

7Wannabe5
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Re: Open relationship?

Post by 7Wannabe5 » Thu Jul 28, 2016 4:16 pm

GandK said: Perhaps I'm repressed.
Nah, you are probably just super-freaky nasty. That's okay. Not everybody can be as wholesome as me.

enigmaT120
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Re: Open relationship?

Post by enigmaT120 » Fri Jul 29, 2016 11:55 am

That must have been fun to type!

wood
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Re: Open relationship?

Post by wood » Fri Jul 29, 2016 12:32 pm

I was thinking exactly the same haha

7Wannabe5
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Re: Open relationship?

Post by 7Wannabe5 » Fri Jul 29, 2016 1:26 pm

Well, she said that she was an INFJ and she is madly in love with her husband who is an EXTJ, so I was just connecting the dots. It's not brain surgery.

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GandK
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Re: Open relationship?

Post by GandK » Fri Jul 29, 2016 1:48 pm

:oops: :lol: I'm happy. Let's go with that.

Either I'm getting a little slap-happy lately or several of you guys have stepped up the funny recently.

7Wannabe5
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Re: Open relationship?

Post by 7Wannabe5 » Fri Jul 29, 2016 2:07 pm

Yeah, that's one of the things that happens when it's hot outside and you hang out with people who are too cheap to throw down for air-conditioning.

7Wannabe5
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Re: Open relationship?

Post by 7Wannabe5 » Mon Aug 01, 2016 9:06 am

8888

wood
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Re: Open relationship?

Post by wood » Fri Nov 04, 2016 6:39 pm

It's been a few months since I posted in this thread. The Miss S story ended sort of happily. Me, wife and miss S had some really nice moments together and miss S went on with her travels. She ended up meeting a guy she fell in love with and they are now in a long distance relationship. I guess she has 2 boyfriends now, one who pays for her company and another who she's in love with. I won't be surprised if she's having trouble figuring out the future with both of them.

This has been an interesting first-time experience for me, because I was unsure how I'd handle this whole adventure emotionally. I've been with two people at once before, but not over the course of days and weeks, and not with this much sex involved. Would someone get jealous? Would someone fall in love? Would someone lose interest? How would the chemistry between our different pairings develop?
All in all I'm left with positive feelings. I'm left with the feeling that I wish it had lasted for longer, but not too long, and it was nice getting back to the usual daily life again when it was all over. I imagine this is how someone who's having an affair would feel, except theres no cheating. But there's still the secrecy because no one knows (except you guys), there's still the feeling of adventure and something "new". The feeling of "new" started fading towards the end of her visit, but never faded completely. At the same time, the sense of a close bond between us started feeling apparent. I now look at this as a very nice memory in my life, and look forward to future adventures. I don't know what's up next but one of my friends has a sister we both like, and it would be cool if she came for our new year's party.

Me and wife are also in the process of doing some redefining of our marriage. We've discovered that people, including ourselves, have different ideas of what marriage means, and coming from completely different background cultures it has taken some time to identify all the suddle differences. We have also changed individually and evolved as a couple since we got married in 2014. So we are in the process of defining our relationship towards each other. Marriage is just a label. We created our own definition before marrying and now we need to re-examine it. The only thing we know for certain is that we want to have dinner together and go to bed together every day.

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