3 body problem in frugality

[7Wannabe5]

One of my lovers offered to buy me a new bed because it would save him from having to pay for hotel rooms. What would you, as a fair-minded frugal person, do?

[Toska2]

Pay 50% and try to split the other 50% among the three lovers.

[JL13]

[Slevin]

Cui bono?

Obviously on the surface it is a direct benefit to him. There is a saving of money over a relatively short amount of time. But how does it affect your feelings towards him? Would you now feel like you owed him, and needed to pay him back somehow? Or would you feel like you are simply exchanging social (romantic?) capital for this bed? In the first case I would not accept the bed, as it has asymmetrical benefits to your lover and not you. If it means nothing to you psychologically, then feel free to accept. If you can come up with a compromise that will not make you uncomfortable, that is okay as well. Just try to understand his full intentions. Is it simply a money-saving financial choice? Or will it subtly change other things about the relationship as well? Gifts have been used in advertising for a long time to entice others into a sense of "necessary reciprocation". Obviously in a caring relationship the intent may be much different.

Since you have brought it up here, I would think you are uncertain and uncomfortable with this offer? In that case turn it down. It isn't worth the social complexity situation it will bring to the relationship.

[JL13]

Honestly, depends on the cost of the bed. If it's an insignificant portion of his net worth or income, then I would say forget about it. You can get a decent bed for $400. That's like 3 dates.

[Ego]

Seems like a math problem. What would it do to your Renaissance Lifestyle Categories?

I suspect you have an impractical bed for practical reasons.

[George the original one]

If I understand your history & concerns, then if you believe it would give him leverage (or an implied leverage) over you, then no. On the other hand, if he's buying motel rooms and this would represent a long term savings for him and you can dismiss the leverage issue, then yes... it's up to you how much you should contribute.

[Peanut]

A gift shouldn't have any strings attached. If you'd enjoy a new bed, by all means accept the gift. If you wouldn't buy a new bed for yourself I don't see why you should pay anything towards it. He'll buy what he can afford so the cost is really irrelevant to you.

[C40]

You can get a decent bed for $400. That's like 3 dates.

Holy moly! $400 is 30-50 dates for me. Could be a lot more with more $0 dates.

[JL13]

3 dates for the average guy. Not ERE. We're talking about a guy who takes his dates to a hotel.

[7Wannabe5]

Toska2 said: Pay 50% and try to split the other 50% among the three lovers.

Well, that won't work because my other lover provides accommodations at his place, and my third lover remains theoretical because I am currently too lazy to date anyone new. Maybe in the spring.

Slevin said: Just try to understand his full intentions.

Well, my best practice is supposed to be that I only have sex with men I respect, and if I respect a man I simply take him at his word. So, I shall accept that his preference is to spend more time at my place than hotels, and it would also be to his financial benefit to do so, even given expense of bed purchase. Therefore, all I need concern myself with is my cost/benefit with this arrangement/offer.

Peanut said: If you wouldn't buy a new bed for yourself I don't see why you should pay anything towards it. He'll buy what he can afford so the cost is really irrelevant to you.

Yeah, this is one of the postures I've assumed in the past in similar situations, but, IME, it is a slippery slope, that can result in finding myself completely engulfed by another person's lifestyle choices I didn't make. Doesn't matter that I'm not paying for them. That's still where I am living. Like choosing between making anything you want for your dinner that won't cost more than $2 vs. being taken out to a very nice restaurant but somebody else orders your dinner for you. I have also tried the posture of very clearly stating my preferences even though the other party is paying, and that didn't work super terrific either.

JL13 said: You can get a decent bed for $400. That's like 3 dates.

C40 said: $400 is 30-50 dates for me.

I live in a fairly dangerous neighborhood. I don't own a car. I share an apartment with my sister and 3 dogs. I am very frugal, but otherwise quite easy-going and round-heeled. Therefore, the main financial expense (given that my standards for brains, biceps, charm etc. having been met) when it comes to dating me is making sure that there is no expense for me. For instance, there is no way in heck I am going to rent a zipcar just to meet some guy for coffee, no matter how much man-candy he brings. I am only currently able or willing to provide accommodations because my sister has classes two evenings each week. Otherwise, this whole bed issue would be moot.

Ego said: I suspect you have an impractical bed for practical reasons.

Yeah, I suspect this is the meat of the matter. I was just using a bed-roll and then I bought an inflatable mattress when my mother had to spend the night. Then the inflatable mattress broke, so I am back to the bed-roll. I have a toddler metabolism, so I can and will just fall dead asleep wherever I find myself at hour 16. So, bed-roll on carpet works fine for me and leaves more space during the day. Also, even though I am quite committed to my permaculture project on my 3 vacant lots, I still find myself loathe to acquire more stuff than I could fit in two loads of a zipcar. So, I'm thinking maybe I will fork out a bit of my own cash and upgrade to a rollable futon, and he can either like it or lump it. Of course, the other problem would be that one of the main benefits of polyamory for me was supposed to be that the men, at the very least, kept themselves free-range or fed by others. Okay, maybe I will offer tea or coffee, but that's it!! and I damn well better get some captivating-level charming behavior and otherwise seriously solid performance.

[JL13]

I was just using a bed-roll

How does this work? Is it comfy? Would a roll-up futon improve by being wider or more cushiony?

[Dragline]

I'd be wary -- and this is not a financial decision. What happens if you share it with someone else in the future and he finds out?

[EMJ]

I agree with Dragline - a bed may a particularly fraught item to buy and share.

[7Wannabe5]

JL13 said: How does this work? Is it comfy? Would a roll-up futon improve by being wider or more cushiony?

Two blanket, two sheets, two blankets, rolled and unrolled. I like a firm surface, but it likely wouldn't be comfortable enough for me without the carpet underneath. A futon wouldn't be any wider, but it would be more cushiony and it would stay in place better.

Dragline said: What happens if you share it with someone else in the future and he finds out?

He is overtly polyamorous (literally self-describes that way), and he knows that I have at least one other lover. Emotional reactions are somewhat unpredictable, but I would say that his own standard for his own behavior in such a circumstance would be that he would either be gracious, or he would channel his aggression into appropriate sexual behavior. Also, he's not in a state of cuckoo-bananas limerence in relationship to me, just more like "Allow me to open this car door for you.", "You bring me great pleasure." , "Just wanted to let you know I was thinking about you." kind of "romantic" vibe. The possibility of jealous behavior was one of the things I was worried about when I decided to practice polyamory, but it really hasn't been a problem so far, in fact much less so than in many of my monogamous relationships. I think people are angered more by being cheated or duped (or even the possibility) than by problems with agreements to share.

[7Wannabe5]

Well, I solved the problem! I went to the Almost Everything is $1 Salvation Army Store and I bought 6 down filled comforters and one down filled mattress cover and some larger sheets, and a couple pillows. Then I piled the comforters on top of the mattress cover and covered with the sheets and bunch of pillows in the corner. It works out to about queen size, and it is very cushy on top but firm underneath. I can sit up in the corner and read, or I can roll the whole thing up into a sausage using the elastic sides of the bottom mattress cover layer. So, it only cost me $12 total and while I was at the store, I bought some rubber boots for $3, a lovely linen tablecloth and silver drapes for $2, and 2 books for 40 cents. One of the books is the 1973 edition of "Revolutionary Warfare" by Kwame Nkrumah which I can sell for a net of about $12.50, so now I am very happy again and it only cost me a couple hours of my time and a little bit of brain work.

[thrifty++]

Sounds like they are offering it as it benefits them to do so. Thats their choice. Personally I would roll with it and not regard myself as owing them anything whatsoever and would probably manage expectations before they purchase by letting them know its up to them, you are happy with your current bed but if they want to get you a new one that's up to them and does not mean that they will get to share a bed with you any more often.

[7Wannabe5]

@thrifty++

This is more about me and my eccentric preferences and my boundaries than it is about him. He very clearly indicated that this was a "no strings attached" offer. What it felt like to me was that he was asking me to store his "good" hotel bed in my limited space for his convenience. I realized that my previous bedroll was below even my own ideal standards, so I was willing to upgrade a bit. So, I thought about what would make the situation better for both me and a bed guest, and my pile of down comforters with sturdy corner pillows was my solution. The man trekked around Nepal with the Sherpa Sir Edmund HIllary sent to college in his youth, and he bikes home 15 miles through Detroit many evenings, so it's not like he's a total wimp who can't get up off a floor bed. I was just being sort of grouchy about it because I stupidly agreed to teach first grade every day last week, and I had the version of the flu you still get if you got the vaccine, and I really didn't want to either take the gift of expensive space-suck bed (fail) or spend $120 on a new half-rate futon myself (fail.)

[JL13]

I may be in the market for a futon. Where's your source?

[Kriegsspiel]

I may be in the market for a futon. Where's your source?

Dude/lady, I'm pretty sure you'd also need to bang 7W5's source. Unless you are also in Detroit, in which case this could end up being a pretty neat little economy.