Are some personalities simply compatible, incompatible, or somewhere in between?

[TopHatFox]

I've found that no matter how much I strive to be amiable, clear, calm, optimistic, compassionate, and understanding, if I interact with people that are not receptive to that behavior, I am slightly more likely to subconsciously change my intention to timid, jumbled, and neutral. I've gotten a lot better at maintaining my positive intention under stressful situations such as these. I'd like to be able to try my best to maintain my positive intention and re-frame incompatible interactions as learning opportunities.

One my friends and I--let's call her H--as we were getting to know one another, we often walked through the woods, or the river, or simply sat on the grass. I could and can talk to her about anything from racism in tourism, to the commodification of school, to what it means to live a good life. When I mention a point, she often asks: "what do you mean when you say X", or "what about this thought", or "so I understand you correctly, let me summarize" or "I think I get what you're saying, here's what I'm thinking." This allows space for us to clarify our ideas, to feel validated and understood, and to feel comfortable and okay sharing anything that's on our minds. She also speaks in part with touch and proximity, another positive quality we share in my opinion.

A counterexample, I've met one lively person--let's call her J--that, as I was getting to know her at a coffee shop, whenever I tried any topic deeper than the weather or how classes are going, would be unable to reply, or appear confused. This response then made me unable to communicate with J because I have yet to develop an ability to talk about surface topics predominantly. She would often reply "I'll have to think about it" to any deep topic, or "I don't know what to say". This had the opposite effect of H, where here we could not express ideas mutually, felt mismatched and misunderstood, and uncomfortable sharing ideas. Long story short, I stopped reaching out and that was that! We were barking up the wrong tree as far as I can tell.

It makes me wonder whether some people bring out the best in one another, and some people bring out the worst in one another; whether different personality types bring out the best in one another and others bring out the worst.

What do you think?

[7Wannabe5]

Likely J is an ES and H is an IN.

[C40]

Yes I think certain personalities are absolutely not compatible.

Some of it depends on thinking types, but there's more to it than that. Even within a single thinking type, there can be a huge range on things like niceness, honesty, and even curiosity.

For me, if a person shows signs of dishonesty, or a few other certain things, I have no desire to interact with them. If I have to interact with them more, I have a hard time resisting my urges to be stand-offish with them when they commit even a slight offense that I would let slide with most other people.

You don't need to get along with everyone. If you become quicker and quicker at recognizing those who you can get along with well and those who you won't you'll be better off as you can not waste your time with the latter.

[GandK]

It really depends on the type of relationship. Assuming we're talking about 100% voluntary relationships (non-family):

Mentors: I want them to be as much like me as possible. Same personality, same goals, same interests.
Life partners: Complimentary personality (but definitely NOT the same as mine!), same goals, some common interests.
Friends and Allies: Complimentary or same personality, who cares about the goals, some common interests.
Coworkers: A non-irritating personality, some common goals, who cares about the interests.
Acquaintances and all others: Who cares about the personality, who cares about the goals, who cares about the interests.

I can connect with anyone if I try hard enough, but I try progressively harder to find common ground with people the further up this list they are. And I find that character defects like the ones @C40 mentioned are more problematic the further up the list they are. I don't care if my acquaintances lie like a rug as long as they're not harming anyone by doing so. But I don't feel that way at all about a life partner or mentor.

[weiss-blau]

@Zalo: Have you read "Quiet" by Susan Cain? It really helped in dealing with Intro- and Extroversion in others.

[7Wannabe5]

I agree with GandK's take. Another thing I've noticed is that there can be a pretty big divide between the type I find attractive and the type who finds me attractive when it comes to complimentary personality. I tend to be attracted by artistic creative types, and I tend towards attracting very assertive/hard-boiled types, and I find it difficult to be in egalitarian partnership with either. Like I am always finding myself in some variation of the role of being the manager of an art gallery who is simultaneously trying to support a sensitive, depressive artist through his black period, while dealing with some tough guy with a cigar hanging out of his mouth trying to cop a feel while telling me how to run my business. This also speaks to the fact that people don't always appreciate you for the traits your appreciate the most in yourself. For instance, one man who was mad for me, told me he loved me because I reminded him of Edith Bunker (insert cringe emoticon.)

[jacob]

@OP - Well, obviously!

What's interesting/non-obvious is that such things don't fall on one line, e.g. from 100% compatible to 0% compatible.

There's also complimentary (heading in a different dimension).

Now, you have two dimensions. Compatible and complimentary, not compatible but complimentary, ...

This may be all you need to know to establish a partnership. If so MBTI offers a personality compatibility chart. I'm sure other system offer other charts.

Now, if you want to establish a corporation/club or something else, you need to consider even more dimensions: Temperament, IQ, education/indoctrination, interests, maturity, experience.

TL;DR - If you're fully compatible, you probably won't learn anything from each other. (But affirmation always feels good!). If you're fully incompatible, you probably won't learn anything either, even if you should!

[thrifty++]

Despite being an introvert a number of my close friends seem to be super extroverts. Usually the really comical kind and I bounce off their energy quite a bit and we have ridiculous shits and giggles and they think I am really extroverted as well and don't realise. However I absolutely could not be with an extrovert as a partner. I am very unattracted in a romantic sense to extroverted people who make a lot of noise and require attention from a lot of people.