How to avoid being a know-it-all in conversation and avoid providing unsolicited advice?

[Ydobon]

As for money complaints, these definitely tend to fall into the category of wanting to vent frustrations rather than look for solutions.

This is so true and in my experience, wanting to talk vs. wanting suggestions to 'fix' things has become a real feature of my married life.

I have become the bossy blowhard in my home, luckily I manage to keep a lid on it with strangers

[GandK]

I thought of this thread today when I listened to this 10-minute Science Friday interview, 'Do Know-It-Alls Really Know It All?' which deals with a Cornell study on the topic of 'overclaiming.' Not saying it goes on here , but this made me think about how much of offering unsolicited advice (in myself and others) boils down to the desire to make oneself look knowledgeable, as opposed to just helping others.

[jacob]

There's also the Dunning-Kruger research ... (There's been quite a bit of work on the DK-effect since 1999).

The original study found this:
1) Ignorant people will fail to recognize their lack of skill.
2) ... and also fail to realize how hard they're failing.
3) ... as well as failing to recognize actual skill in others.
4) Yet recognize how dumb they were after receiving training.

This initially made me somewhat hopeful.

However, later science showed, that
5) Ignorant people tend to resist any form of training.

This last observation has been reason enough for me to try to avoid further conversation with stupid people after they've been identified. However ....

... Facebook does provide an excellent training ground/entertainment for such things. I admit that on occasion I've been deliberately baiting certain ignorant 'friends' for shits and giggles by surreptitiously and ironically [to everyone else but them; that's the challenge!] praising their ignorance in return for fb-likes and positive responses E.g. "Brilliant! I wish I could have come up with an explanation that was a simple as yours!", "Your righteousness is exceeded only by your flawless reasoning". It's like shooting fish in a barrel. Someday, I'll be going to sympathy-hell.

[GandK]

This last observation has been reason enough for me to try to avoid further conversation with stupid people after they've been identified.

Do you distinguish between stupidity as an over-arching character defect, and the inane comments that sometimes result from being in the "Mount Stupid" phase of subject learning?

[jacob]

I do! I think people have to come off of Mt Stupid on their own though. This often happens by conflicting with reality. Very few can be talked down from Mt Stupid (see rule 5).

A good exercise is to have a fictitious conversation with your 20 yo self. My 20-25 yo self was absolutely on top of Mt Stupid when it came to career advice, for example. I had to learn the hard way.

[jacob]

The change in popular conception wrt extreme early retirement between years 2007 and 2014 seems to confirm. It's better to argue by herd or environment than via logic or science/math.

[Dragline]

Build it (an attractive enough playground, even if oddly designed) and they will come.

[freedomseeker]

Feel like I should know this by now but identified pretty strongly wrt the 'what not to do' scenarios. Thanks, some great advice here, will probably have to reread to help things sink in!

Edited because I was worried this may seem a bit 'put on' but I suspect Im in good company in that many 'ere types' would have crossed this bridge and some point

[Did]

Someone mentioned it above, but I think I'm much less likely to lecture now. I was in an initial euphoric, I have seen the light and am not at work phase for a good while, at least a year and a bit. But now I am more subdued. I used to want to almost shake people and yell, what the fuck are you doing!!!

But of course, who am I to be saying that, and how would I have reacted if someone said that to me back in the day (actually I know the answer to that! - poorly).

[Tyler9000]

Yeah, unsolicited advice is generally a bad idea. Your heart may be in the right place, but theirs may not be ready to receive.

When Jesus was asked by his disciples why he likes to speak in parables, his answer was (I'm paraphrasing): The people who want to hear what I'm saying will understand the message just fine.

In that same mindset, when I do feel inclined to offer advice I like to do it in a way that doesn't come across as advice. As an example, "Yeah, man. Debt really sucks. I understand everyone is different, but what helped me was...". You still don't want to over-use that technique (as you'll come across as always talking about yourself), but in the right amount and tone you'll lay the foundation for people to hear a new perspective and eventually connect the dots for themselves when they're ready.

[enigmaT120]

I try to hang out with people who know more than I do, about subjects that interest me.

Edit: this forum, for example.

[leeholsen]

There's also the Dunning-Kruger research ... (There's been quite a bit of work on the DK-effect since 1999).

The original study found this:
1) Ignorant people will fail to recognize their lack of skill.
2) ... and also fail to realize how hard they're failing.
3) ... as well as failing to recognize actual skill in others.
4) Yet recognize how dumb they were after receiving training.

This initially made me somewhat hopeful.

However, later science showed, that
5) Ignorant people tend to resist any form of training.

Thank you for this.

I have big problems with this and have become resentful to people i was trying to help that would continue doing things their way.

From this, i now have a new coined phrase. from now on, i will just call them a Dunning-Kruger; and leave them to continue to do themselves in.