Good question. What I meant was that I felt RELATIVELY smaller, less significant in relationship to the men I've dated since my marriage ended compared to how I felt in relationship to my ex-husband because my ex-husband was (and remains) a very depressive, passive individual and most of the men I have dated or formed relationships since have been some flavor of the opposite, my most recent ex's personality type being "benevolent dictator" (typical rebound behavior on my part-sigh.) However, my feeling of having shrunk is also likely somewhat due to the fact that I ended my marriage fairly simultaneously with becoming empty nest and bringing an end to the major task of raising two children with an unhelpful spouse (who had a complete nervous break-down, temporarily disappeared and abandoned all remaining parental and financial responsibility after we split up but I don't bear a grudge and gave him a hug and reminisced pleasantly at the recent funeral of his father etc.) So, although I was left with the running of my micro-book business, I sort of felt like I suddenly went back to the lifestyle of a young girl and entered that of a little old lady. "Rescuing" rare books and the treasure hunt involved is quite fulfilling and fun for me but it isn't the same flavor of "important" as being an active parent of young children. Just recently I started substitute teaching in a district full of inner city/recent immigrant children and I am finding it a maddening challenge but also quite fulfilling of that feeling of "importance" I've been missing. So, I am on my way to resolving part of this, I think. Completing some other major creative projects on my revolving life-list would also likely prove helpful.Riggerjack said: Ok, so what happened that you feel smaller, less significant? You were married 19 years, and left it feeling comparatively diminished. It sounds to me like you haven't grown, in your self image, as fast as you feel potential mates have. Sounds like work on your self is the way to go.
I wouldn't even assume it was all that relevant as a practical matter at $9/k a year. However, it has been my EXPERIENCE in recent relationships that it is or does prove relevant. Like it's a symbol of the desire to be validated (unhealthy) or valued (healthy) as a "provider" or "success" or something like that. That's why it would be rude if I did make a fuss about it which is why I didn't even though I thought I might (and, yes, it is likely that I am waaaay over-thinking this.)If you consider him paying for coffee as "starting to de facto sign on dotted-line." you need to work on defining your boundaries. Sometimes, coffee is just coffee. Who pays for it is relevant at $9k/yr. It's not at $90k/yr. Making an issue of an irrelevancy should send up alarms for both of you.
I guess what it comes down to in simplest terms is that I don't want to be with a man who is seriously passive like my ex-husband and I also don't want to be with a man who is seriously domineering like my recent-ex and I am tending towards worry and speculation about whether my next bowl of porridge will be too hot or too cold and I have tied the characteristics of "passive" vs. "domineering" to behaviors related to financial functioning. For instance, I can't in a million years imagine my ex-husband initiating a law-suit against somebody and my recent ex was involved in one major and two minor ones just in the 3 years we were together (one of my Girl-Friday wifely tasks being to assist him with these matters.) The first man I met for coffee this week is a wealthy real estate investor. First he insists on buying my coffee. Then he calmly and persistently asks me question after question about myself and exhibits a take-charge manner in other ways. I mean, I grok that part of this is just that he clearly found me sexually attractive and was trying to "herd me into his corner" (quite literally at one point in the evening) but it's not just that..it never is JUST that. know that if I were to enter into serious relationship with this man, he would eventually, for lack of a better phrase "swamp me out." The second man I met for coffee was more well-off careerist than wealthy entrepreneur but he is a first-born son and he really wanted to be a cop when he was young (went into computers instead) so same difference, similar behavior. However, I do give him credit for stating that he thought it would be okay for me to walk home by myself even though I still have doubts about my neighborhood. Otherwise, I might have pegged him as somebody who would try to "keep me safe." Also, I wasn't positive that he found me attractive, because some men will offer their jacket to any woman, until he asked me for a second date. So, he is the current leading candidate for my affection for reasons not entirely having to do with the fact that he appeared to be in possession of a decent set of guns.
Anyways, I am pretty much doomed because, like most women, I do find dominant (as opposed to submissive. my ex-husband was passive NOT submissive) behavior attractive in a man. I just find it difficult to live with 24/7 when it crosses over the line from confident to arrogant or dominant to controlling.
You are probably wise in noting that I maybe should spend some more time on my own. It's just that my first marriage was a 19 years of me putting on a happy face in the interest of the children and even though I have crash-burned my way through a number of relationships in the last 8 years, I have been so much happier on average than I was before. Divorce sucks but it was one of the best decisions I have made in my adult life. Besides, I'm a pretty successful and/or motivated serial monogamist so the longest I've gone without a boyfriend/lover/husband since I was 15 years old was 3 months and I'm pretty much there now. It's just not in my nature (ENTP) for that to happen. OTOH, it was my purpose in joining this forum to improve my functioning in the direction of INTJ (conservation of resources) and thereby experience growth in my adult masculine functioning and I guess it would be the stoic thing to do. However, I would note that there is a reason why the Oneida Community is not still in existence today etc. etc.