That said, I’m not entirely comfortable trying to convince someone to have kids. You can’t undo it once it’s done. OTOH, if you have kids and then find yourself with mixed feelings about being a parent, it won’t be the end of the world. I do think people overstate that a bit. When I was younger, I didn’t want kids, either. Then I married DH. We went into it with the agreement that if one of us really wanted kids, the other would comply. (I guess we wanted each other more than we wanted to be child-free.) We built something that we knew would last first, and only after we had done that did we decide that we wanted to add kids to it (to build something bigger, I guess).
Sometimes, I think people on the forum focus on the negative too much. As GandK mentioned, it might be because it's easier to enumerate the negatives involved with raising children. It's harder to articulate the warm and fuzzy feelings.
-- Is your relationship solid? I think having a clear vision of ‘Team C40’ is important before you add kids to the mix. We built a life together and then the kids became a part of it. The kids aren’t the center of the universe in our house. I think letting kids define a relationship can kill it.I’m looking for questions I should be asking myself, things I should considering, etc.
--What are your expectations? Are they too high? People who hope for a life filled with Kodak moments are usually disappointed. Life is much more like a John Hughes film when you have kids.
--Are you willing to work at the relationship(s)? I don't think the bond between a parent and child is automatic. You have to work at it just like you do with your partner.
--Can you stand the chaos? It isn't always chaotic, but it’s definitely unpredictable and messy. I’ve learned to appreciate the energy that comes from that. That said, I'll also admit that I still hide in the bathroom occasionally for a little peace and quiet.
--Are you prepared to do the things you want to do with children in tow? I don’t think you have to give up your dreams when you have kids, but you need the determination to pursue them while raising kids. Anyone who can manage even a semi-ERE lifestyle is capable enough to raise and educate their kids while pursuing any path they choose. I think the determination to do so is more important.
--Are you prepared to give up those same dreams? I don’t think you should, but shit happens. If you made a bucket list of 10 things, but could only do 8 with kids, could you give up the other 2? If there are one or two things you feel compelled to do that would be extremely difficult with kids, do them first.
Some of the things I found the most pleasurable and somewhat unexpected…
-- The feeling that comes from having your own tribe. Some of that is instinctual, I’m sure. Some of it (for me) comes from feeling out of step with normal society, and finding comfort in being part of a group that understands me.
-- Teaching them and/or watching them figure things out for themselves. This gives me a surprising amount of pleasure. Sometimes it’s frustrating--try explaining how to suck liquid through a straw or blow your nose to an 18 month old—but I find it challenging in a good way.
-- I’m a much better person, and not only because someone is always watching.
It makes you patient, it makes you less rigid, and it helps you see what is most important to you and let go of the rest.-- Enjoying their interests with them. I like that my kids are different from me. I’m not one to ‘mold’ my kids. It’s more fun to see what they turn out like. I love traveling with them and seeing what fascinates them, or learning about subjects that they want to learn about.
-- I think being a grown-up is overrated, and kids give me an excuse to continue to do the childish things that I like to do. I know, in theory, I could do them anyway, but I think I would look foolish (or creepy) building a sand castle at the beach or going to see Toy Story if I didn't have kids with me.
-- I've learned that loving someone means different things at different stages. When they’re babies, it means taking care of their constant needs. When they’re kids, it means answering a thousand questions. When they’re teens, it means standing firm while letting them figure out who they are. Very little of it involves hugs and “I love you’s” and such.
--You know what’s involved in the day-to-day care of kids. Sometimes I think that can turn people off because it shows you all of the work but only a fraction of the reward. It’s different with your own kids. You don’t mind the work as much.
-- They keep me connected to younger generations in a tangible way.
tl;dr ... Kids won't help if you don't have your shit together, but chances are they won't ruin your life, either. You get to feel younger longer, and you get an intimate view of the world through someone else's eyes. If you want kids and ERE, it can be done if you're determined to do it.
