Guest at Weddings

magecanuck · Post by **magecanuck** » Wed Nov 09, 2011 5:37 pm

First time post here folks so bear with me! I'm 29, and I'm very passionate about working hard and living a comfortable but frugal life (with the intention of accumulating/growing wealth).
I need advice about being (or NOT being) a guest at weddings: ie. responding to wedding invitations, attending weddings, wedding gifts, and general etiquette in handling these situations. Let me elaborate... I've gone to a couple weddings in the past few months (one for a coworker, and one for a high school friend of my girlfriend), and I gritted my teeth during both. I gave an uncomfortably large money gift to each (considered appropriate (STRONGLY encouraged) by my girlfriend's generous (but financially poor) mom). Anyhow, I have a good job (but a pile of student debt).
How do I politely turn-down these invitations (I mean if a family member or a close friend of mine gets married, I'll definitely be more than happy to attend, but for coworkers and wishy-washy friends, it actually turns my stomach). Mostly though I'm interested in avoiding these events entirely (especially since my girlfriend and I are planning when we get engaged/married to have a VERY SMALL intimate wedding, where these people probably won't make the list). What is the etiquette for turning DOWN a wedding invitation, and am I still obligated to get a gift even without attending?
Thanks very much in advance!

Dragline · Post by **Dragline** » Wed Nov 09, 2011 5:59 pm

Just send back that RSVP with "Magecanuck will be unable to attend." And make sure you are not around that day.
No gift required, according to Miss Manners herself:
"DEAR MISS MANNERS -- I grew up with the rule that a wedding invitation requires a gift, even if the invitee does not attend the wedding. But friends have been telling me that rule is obsolete.

I've been invited to the wedding of a first cousin twice removed, whom I haven't seen since she was 5. Her parents and I are in touch only through Christmas cards.

I have no idea why I was invited and have no intention of going to the wedding, which will not be in my town. It would involve an expensive overnight hotel stay.

Must I send a gift?

GENTLE READER -- Those among whom you grew up were generous but misinformed. If you find this disillusioning, Miss Manners notes that at least it will save you money.

Getting married does not grant people license to distribute bills to those who are minding their business. A wedding invitation is merely an offer of hospitality.

As such, it must be answered, one way or the other, and it should also prompt a letter wishing the couple happiness.

There is nothing wrong with also sending a present, but that is certainly not required."
Read more: http://www.newsnet5.com/dpp/lifestyle/r ... z1dDxkHkWF

dragoncar · Post by **dragoncar** » Wed Nov 09, 2011 6:10 pm

If you'd rather not be there, I'd wager You aren't close enough for them to miss you. It might have been a courtesy invite, and your wedding gift can be saving them the hassle and cost of a larger wedding.

DutchGirl · Post by **DutchGirl** » Wed Nov 09, 2011 6:15 pm

I think I agree with Dragline here... It may be that people invite you to the wedding only because they made "all-inclusive" lists. "Everyone from work" or "Every family member" or "Everyone we were friends with in high school" should come. In that case, I think you can spare them the expense by congratulating them on the event and politely declining. They may be relieved in the end that it did save them a bit of money...

But do go to weddings of true and close friends and close family members; and of course discuss with your girlfriend which ones to attend. I think you want to be there when close friends are celebrating their marriage and have invited you to witness it.
I was thinking maybe you could send a little present with the "I won't come" if you still like the people who are getting married a bit; but then on the other hand it would really have to be a nice present (thoughtfull - befitting to the couple, or expensive-ish if it's not really tailored to the couple) to not make it an insult. I was thinking you could maybe send a book on "how to have a happy marriage", but again that could be seen as an insult, too

. So maybe no gift, and just your card congratulating them and telling them that you unfortunately can't come.

tac · Post by **tac** » Wed Nov 09, 2011 6:44 pm

My rule of thumb for weddings is: would I invite this person to MY wedding? If the answer is "no", I just say sorry, I won't be able to make it. I think weddings should be for very close friends and family only, so there aren't many people who's weddings I want to go to

chenda · Post by **chenda** » Wed Nov 09, 2011 10:35 pm

I like going to weddings but I would certainly never feel obliged to buy a present for the couple if I went, particularly if it was someone I was not that close to. People should be invited to weddings because the couple actually want them there, not as a source of revenue!
And if I was'nt going, a 'thank you and best wishes' card should be perfectly sufficient.
A few years ago a colleague of mine got married, and all of us in her department chiped in a few quid and got her a thoughtful but modestly priced gift. It says more than handing over bundles of cash.

magecanuck · Post by **magecanuck** » Thu Nov 10, 2011 12:11 am

thanks so much for the advice you guys!

i'm going to have a frank discussion with my girlfriend about the many wedding invites (present and future) of her many, many, many, many (ad nauseum) 'friends.'