Intergenerational Equity

LoveSherpa · Post by **LoveSherpa** » Tue May 17, 2011 11:00 pm

This term is commonly used to coax current generations to use resources in a sustainable manner so that future generations may benefit equally from the same resources. However, I find myself contemplating this idea from the other direction.

I believe my parents spent too much of their previous resources on me early on in my life. They sent me to private schools when it was a struggle for them (they fled El Salvador during the civil war), helped me out with my college education and gifted me my first set of wheels (which are still in great shape!) among other things. What are some of the approaches you have considered as far as giving back to your family for the resources they lovingly bestowed upon you? Also, to some extent, I realize may never be able to truly pay them back when you factor in the time-value of their foregone investment opportunities, the quality of time they gave me, etc.
I also struggle between wanting to pay them back now so that they may have “fun” money versus wanting to save it and invest it myself so that I will be in a good position to care for them later in their lives.
Lastly (I know, I know, multi-threaded topic here), I can’t feel good about entering ERE unless I have done something to pay back my “debt” to my parents, in which case, I may never be able to feel good about it since I don’t believe I can truly compensate them for all their foregone opportunities. At what point, do I need to reconcile this internal argument by acknowledging that it was *their* decision to send me to pricey schools —all the while enjoying a relatively comfy ride on my slow but sure road to ERE?

pka222 · Post by **pka222** » Tue May 17, 2011 11:20 pm

@love sherpa

Great post, its a heck of a question, how can anyone repay their parents for giving them life and a safe happy home?

There are many answers to this but I would argue that living your life fully and on your own terms and happily would be a good start. Being in their lives if you get along would be another. But giving cash, or economic resources to them? I wonder about that. What I mean, the money they spent to raise you was their choice, they decided to have a baby and chose what type of existence they wanted to live with their new family - these are choices you had no say in - gifts you could not refuse.

In some cases parents make poor financial choices and depend on their offspring to bail them out- in my view- if you are paying for someone else, you get to make all the choices- what city to live in, what type of house, car etc.

Help your parents if they are in need- otherwise spend time with them, enjoy the time you have together - forget about debts and be friends

LoveSherpa · Post by **LoveSherpa** » Tue May 17, 2011 11:33 pm

Hmm, interesting response pka222! I suppose they are not in need. And, though they will most likely work a very long time...I don't believe they are bothered by this prospect.
Of course, working until a very advanced in age is not my cup of tea...but they come from a different time and place and see their situation as ideal.

JohnnyH · Post by **JohnnyH** » Tue May 17, 2011 11:42 pm

Seeing you succeed has undoubtedly been more valuable and rewarding than any financial opportunity (realized or lost)... You appreciate what they did for you, that alone puts you ahead of many, if not most children.
Since time is more valuable than money, you can never repay them...
Grand kid(s), final answer.

"I've always admired car owners and I hope to be one myself as soon as I finish paying off mother... She insists I pay her retroactively for the food I ate as a child." ~Principal Skinner

pka222 · Post by **pka222** » Tue May 17, 2011 11:43 pm

@ Love Sherpa,

I live far from my parents and see them infrequently - gifts and money mean a lot less to me than spending time together - and I think it is the same for them. Forging a real friendship with your parents is an excellent investment, stuff and money complicate matters unnecessarily

let them know you care often

George the original one · Tue May 17, 2011 11:47 pm

I doubt it can be done. For one thing, if you have siblings, then their capacity for repayment is not going to be equal.
Beyond being financially independent and being there for them in their hour of need, everything else should be a lovely surprise to your parents.

tjt · Post by **tjt** » Tue May 17, 2011 11:49 pm

Speaking as a parent of two small kids, I can safely say that there is no repayment desired. It's the only relationship I've ever had where I expect and desire nothing in return. My guess is that your parents feel the same way.
I think Shel says it best in his poem.

Maus · Post by **Maus** » Tue May 17, 2011 11:50 pm

@LoveSherpa

I appreciate the concerns raised by your post. Thank you for sharing them. I, too, was raised by parents who sacrificed for my future well being. Unlike most of my peers, I didn't have to rely on student loans to complete my university or legal education. And I feel a debt of gratitude that I still work to repay without compromising my ERE values.
At present, this mostly works out to extending modest 0% "loans" (she refuses gifts)to my 84-y.o. mother for emergencies like the HVAC going south or an airfare to visit great granchildren. And I have more or less promised her that I will remain in California (despite the taxes and the high cost of living) for as long as she is alive. She is about a four-hour drive from me and still lives independently in her own home. I am convinced that part of her ability to do so is the psychological scaffolding that my continued proximity provides. She doesn't actually need me very often, but the idea that I'm available is powerfully comforting to her.
If I feel then as I do now, the month following her funeral (please God let it be many years hence) I will be living in another, more ERE-friendly state. California has great weather and abundant natural splendors, but the economy is being driven into the ground on the backs of those who saved and lived with fiscal restraint. I will gladly give for the sake of my mother, but I refuse to support the millions who clamor undeservedly for my hard-earned wealth to continue funding failed social, educational, public safety and transportation policies. (Apologies for the rant, but sometimes the idiocy of our Legislature is overwhelming.)

Post by **jacob** » Wed May 18, 2011 12:06 am

I didn't ask to be born, so this was a trade I entered in involuntarily. As such I don't think I morally owe anything.
That said, if they got in trouble, I'd help them out, because I know they would help me out. Conversely, there are other relatives for which I know this would not be the case, so they're on their own.

LoveSherpa · Post by **LoveSherpa** » Wed May 18, 2011 12:12 am

@JohnnyH you're funny....maybe later..... oh and you had a typo, grand kid is spelled without the parentheses and definitely without the "s" haha
@tjt What a nice story! I remember seeing that story years back. The tree reminds me of my mother and now I need to call her up and tell her I miss her!

crazn · Post by **crazn** » Wed May 18, 2011 12:20 am

What they have sacrificed, will not be repaid to them so you must also pay it forward - to kids, to people in need, etc. Then their sacrifice will be meaningful AND in the process humanity is better for their sacrifice.

halcyon · Post by **halcyon** » Wed May 18, 2011 12:37 am

This has been an incredibly interesting post so thanks to LoveSherpa for starting it and to everyone who has weighed in.
I was thinking about this recently. My parents paid for my college education and I thought one day I would repay them (I went to a modest school and got a lucrative degree). While I didn't ask to be born, I certainly did accept their help to get my degree. I'll have to think more about it...

B · Post by B » Wed May 18, 2011 12:38 am

Once I had concerns like these. I told my mother about them. She laughed, and laughed until she cried, and when she caught her breath she called me an idiot.
I don't worry about this anymore.

learning · Post by **learning** » Wed May 18, 2011 2:53 am

I would prefer to have everybody close to me emotionally to be as strong financially as possible. We can then also be there for each other in case of disaster.
One way to help without directly giving a gift would be to offer investment guidance. My mom almost got whipsawed in the last crash (2008-09), but because of my encouragement she didn't pull out her money during the crash and now has a LOT more than she would have (almost double).
Another way is to offer buying guidance. I usually do the Consumer Reports research for my mom on purchases of new cars and other major appliances. By directing her toward the cars that last longer, I could probably save her a few tens of thousands of dollars during the rest of her lifetime, ie, a big part of what my college cost.

EMJ · Post by **EMJ** » Wed May 18, 2011 5:00 am

Good question - why not talk to them about it?

CestLaVie · Post by **CestLaVie** » Wed May 18, 2011 6:01 am

My mom struggles financially. I do help her financially, on occasions. I don't feel like I owe her anything, but it makes me happy to help and alleviate some of her financial stress.

hickchick · Post by **hickchick** » Thu May 26, 2011 12:15 am

@jacob - damn that's cold. I could say that about a LOT of people, but not my parents.
I don't know why it seems so scandalous to me. I'm sure I've uttered much worse.

Post by **jacob** » Thu May 26, 2011 12:29 am

@hickchick - I didn't say that about my parents. However, I've helped out family members while observing other family members "buying a new TV" while claiming they didn't have any money to help. Let's just say I won't have much sympathy in case those relatives ever get in financial trouble.

hickchick · Post by **hickchick** » Thu May 26, 2011 12:35 am

I was refering to the involuntary nature of your participation in the original transaction.
I completely agree with the rest.

web_diva · Post by **web_diva** » Thu Jan 19, 2012 4:26 am

here are some ideas, but they should be tailored to what you can and want to do and what your folks are willing to accept:
-sometimes time is more than money - run errands with or for them

-grant IOUs for help around the house (chores, cleaning, weeding, bush trimming, etc)

-cook a meal for them once a week (i did this and bought one dinner out too)

-wash, wax, and vacuum their cars

-for big milestones, how about buying them a cruise to take together or a weekend away

-call frequently, listen and empathize

-if they go to doctor a lot, take them and keep them company

-help them with their taxes or pay to have them done

-help them set up their living wills, will, trust, long term care insurance, etc. sometimes an extra set of eyes means a lot if they are aging and questioning their abilities or just appreciate support

...
anything else to show you love them and are grateful to have them in your life