When to Move Out

How to avoid signing your life over to a mortgage
Felipe
Posts: 140
Joined: Sun Jan 11, 2015 10:06 pm

When to Move Out

Postby Felipe » Fri Dec 30, 2016 1:28 am

Hello,

I've been pondering when (and where) to move out to for years now. I live at home with my parents and a small dog. My sisters both live in Europe and visit maybe once a year. I get along with my family pretty well most of the time. The house is pretty large and I'm often the only one home. The longer I've stayed, the nicer it's gotten here. Family moved out made it more peaceful, there's now a meditation studio in the backyard being built.

Most of food and rent are covered here. I'm able to save a high percent of my income. I currently live in Silicon Valley and wouldn't want to move out to the nearby area, too expensive, status-oriented, and fast paced. Maybe Santa Cruz but I'd much rather travel the world and long term travel has a good chance of being less expensive than staying around here. I could see myself doing volunteer teaching abroad for rent and food as I travel slowly through Africa and Asia. Or I could stay in the states and do something that seems fun like being a Ranger and going wherever the state send me.

At this point, I've moved away for only weeks at a time. A few weeks in Iowa (school), a few in Thailand teaching English, a few in San Francisco practically living with a lover, some time in the north west to see if I wanted to live there, Mexico, Chile, Turkey. Nothings called my eye as a place I wanted to settle down.

It shouldn't take more than a few years to ERE here but there's the question of would life be better being away, would I be learning more, or would it push me towards isolation and old addictive habits? Would the perceived adventure or control over my environment be worth the delay in ERE date? Would it be wiser to stay here for a few years then do long term travel once I've saved enough?

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vexed87
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Location: Yorkshire, UK

Re: When to Move Out

Postby vexed87 » Fri Dec 30, 2016 5:45 am

For some reason living with family can be a taboo. There's a perception that we're all basement dwellers, or freeloaders, but it doesn't have to be the case. There was a time when it wasn't unusual to reside with family for life, and it still happens in some cultures, the trend to move away and live alone, or as a couple was made temporarily possible by our extremes of abundance. This will likely reverse as jobs and resources get harder to come by. It's already happening to some extent.

There are obvious efficiency savings when living with family, just like flat/housemates, yet more so if parents are happy to be paying the bills! If you have your own space and are able to live comfortably with family, but more importantly, you are not overstaying your welcome then by all means stay. By living alone in an apartment somewhere, you'll likely have a greater impact on the environment and likely be worse of financially, where is the sense in changing your living arrangements if everyone is comfortable? If you feel it's holding you back in some manner, it's may be worth flying the nest.

DW and I are also fortunate enough to live with my parents, we are also really lucky to have our own living space and kitchen within the building, but we pay our own way in terms of food and other bills. Despite that, we are still able to save high percentage of income as we pay no rent. However, personally we cannot stay forever as the arrangement limits our privacy and living with parents comes with certain expectations, e.g. spending more time with family than we might have otherwise, then there's the unexpected drop ins for coffee, and being more closely involved in petty family dynamics, i.e. dealing with feuding siblings. I can cope with it, they are my family and I'm used to their less desirable behavior, but its often too much for DW who is now desperate to have her own place.

Whether it's worth staying with your family will depend very much on your situation/relationships. I know DW would divorce me if I refused to move away, and it would have made my dating life somewhat more difficult if I had a less patient and forgiving partner. If it works for you now and you are saving a bomb, stay, at least you are not committed to living there long term and can up sticks when the time is right. Getting tied into a rental agreement or getting a mortgage is somewhat more tying, however the benefits of moving out may eventually outweigh the desire to stay and save as they are now for us.

Felipe
Posts: 140
Joined: Sun Jan 11, 2015 10:06 pm

Re: When to Move Out

Postby Felipe » Fri Dec 30, 2016 4:20 pm

Thanks vexed87, I appreciate seeing you have a similar experience. It's mostly sibling stress when a certain one comes that detracts.

I told an (international) ex girlfriend I wanted to move out and she said "Why? You have everything you need here." That threw me off when I first heard it since I saw it as taboo at the time.

At this point it still makes sense to stay, there's enough space to raise a family here but for that I think I'll move out.

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Riggerjack
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Re: When to Move Out

Postby Riggerjack » Fri Dec 30, 2016 6:30 pm

Well, it is probably stunting your growth, somewhat, but not in irredeemable ways. See my comments in this thread:http://forum.earlyretirementextreme.com/viewtopic.php?f=20&t=8466

On the other hand, you have your whole life to develop into the person you want to be, so perhaps waiting for retirement is the right way for you to learn to live independently.

Felipe
Posts: 140
Joined: Sun Jan 11, 2015 10:06 pm

Re: When to Move Out

Postby Felipe » Fri Dec 30, 2016 7:52 pm

Thanks Riggerjack. I read through your comments (and many others), and found it fascinating.

I agree that it is likely stunting my growth in some ways about learning to live independently. The flipside is that I'm using this time to also learn and not just save. ie-I'm starting a VITA training class Tuesday, a happiness class with Berkeley EdX in a week, I've finally sobered up this year (from pot) after almost a decade of daily smoking, I'm now quitting another habit and once that's taken care of, will shift my focus towards eating healthier and hitting the weights again.

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Ego
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Re: When to Move Out

Postby Ego » Fri Dec 30, 2016 8:32 pm

Felipe wrote:I agree that it is likely stunting my growth in some ways about learning to live independently. The flipside is that I'm using this time to also learn and not just save. ie-I'm starting a VITA training class Tuesday, a happiness class with Berkeley EdX in a week, I've finally sobered up this year (from pot) after almost a decade of daily smoking, I'm now quitting another habit and once that's taken care of, will shift my focus towards eating healthier and hitting the weights again.


Nice work! Keep moving in the right direction. Eventually that will involve moving out. Sounds like you are now using the rent-free opportunity well.

James_0011
Posts: 164
Joined: Wed Nov 09, 2016 12:00 am

Re: When to Move Out

Postby James_0011 » Sat Dec 31, 2016 10:19 am

I urge you to consider the fact that you have the option of living with your parents to be a blessing. I'm from a small town of 10,000 people, and had to move just to go to university, and will have to move again just to find work.

If my parents lived in an area like SV with lots of jobs, universities, etc I would totally stay and take advantage of free rent.

classical_Liberal
Posts: 42
Joined: Sun Mar 20, 2016 6:05 am

Re: When to Move Out

Postby classical_Liberal » Sun Jan 01, 2017 1:43 pm

My only advice is to realize how quickly these types of situations can degrade. From anecdotal experiences of siblings, parents, other relatives, and friends it can happen fairly quickly. I do not know your familial dynamics, it may never be an issue, but societal pressures regarding what is "normal" and "healthy" on both parents and adult children who live together can be rather overwhelming. The day may come when your parents way of life and requirements for remaining in their home will become rather oppressive. This could happen from changes in your life or because of societal pressures. Alternatively, your parents may have a similar feeling and suddenly decide you are cramping their style.

My advice is to take the time to stoically run through these possible scenarios in your mind and have plans which can be quickly executed if they do arise. Good relationships with family are worth substantially more than the cost of rent. If one party changes their tune and is no longer satisfied with the current situation, it would be wise for you to move out quickly, on amicable terms, rather than protract the arrangement and allow resentments to rise which could impact your relationship with parents for years to come.

PS congrats on sobriety from weed, this is an amazing accomplishment in itself.

Felipe
Posts: 140
Joined: Sun Jan 11, 2015 10:06 pm

Re: When to Move Out

Postby Felipe » Sun Jan 01, 2017 5:39 pm

Thanks Ego, James, and Classical
I do see this option as a blessing. The more I've traveled, the more luck I realize I've had. I agree on making the most of this opportunity and eventually moving out for sure.

I appreciate all the affirmation that this is okay for now and to keep on the journey.

Sobriety was hard initially but very worth it. I felt like I was wasting my life on it and eventually tried enough ways to quit to find something that worked for me- a mix of SMART Recovery, daily accountability, and tapering off.

@Classical
My family is stable, if it got as hectic as it did when I was younger I'd feel moving out was more urgent and a back up plan for this could be useful- I'm thinking move to south Europe (friends and family there) or live in my car for a few weeks to plan the next step- volunteering in the developing world or moving to a low COL area with decent work opportunities, depending on how I am financially at this point.

That said, we both have autonomy over our own space, support each other, and listen. I can't see the peace being thrown off except by my oldest sister moving back in but she lives like a nomadic hippy and wouldn't want to stay for long anyways. The main reason I'd want to move out is for more privacy in dating- I currently don't feel comfortable bringing over anyone I'm not serious with.


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