Early Retirement Extreme Forums

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I somehow interpreted the title as "my flatmate has been mopping around the house."

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Maybe she's depressed?

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Well, the first rule of thumb that applies is that you can't fix other people. The second rule-of-thumb that applies to this particular forum is that you will save a ton of money over the course of your life if you learn how to take care of yourself both in the presence of others and absent the presence of others.

A number of years ago, a friend of mine, who often rented out space in his house to others, made the observation that often when people want to be alone, they are hoping to engage in a vice, or something they believe to be a vice, out of the notice of others. I don't think this is entirely true, but in the interest of personal growth, you may want to consider making a list of the activities that you feel like you could better engage in if your flatmate gave you more "space." For instance, if you want to wander around the flat in your underwear while gnawing on a block of processed cheese food, and you are not entirely comfortable doing this in the presence of other, you might want to work on feeling more comfortable in your body, and improving your dietary habits. Perhaps, if you were to wander around the flat in a relaxed state of nudity while eating a bowl of freshly fermented sauerkraut, your flat mate might feel the urge to go take a walk.

Also, for every problem there is also an opposite problem. For instance, my sister/housemate is likely a bit irked with me at times because my behavior is more at the end of just using the apartment we share as a closet, but that is only because she has a bad back, 3 poorly trained dogs and she dumped all the men she was dating. So when she says something like "Will you help me move my piano this afternoon." and then I tell her I am going on a trip with my boyfriend, and she says something pissy and rude like "You are a useless twat." , I am likely to reply that it is not my fault that she is too lazy to spend 5 minutes on the internet getting a new boyfriend to help her with manual labor. And then she has to admit that is true, but then I also have to concede that the last time she did that, although it was nice that he helped her steam-clean the carpets, it was annoying when he came into the kitchen and asked me "What's cooking?" like there was even a remote possibility that I was going to feed him.

7Wannabe5 wrote: A number of years ago, a friend of mine, who often rented out space in his house to others, made the observation that often when people want to be alone, they are hoping to engage in a vice, or something they believe to be a vice, out of the notice of others. I don't think this is entirely true, but in the interest of personal growth, you may want to consider making a list of the activities that you feel like you could better engage in if your flatmate gave you more "space." For instance, if you want to wander around the flat in your underwear while gnawing on a block of processed cheese food, and you are not entirely comfortable doing this in the presence of other, you might want to work on feeling more comfortable in your body, and improving your dietary habits. Perhaps, if you were to wander around the flat in a relaxed state of nudity while eating a bowl of freshly fermented sauerkraut, your flat mate might feel the urge to go take a walk.

haha I like this. The notion I should just do what I want as though no one was here. Maybe I will give that a crack. My favourite though is loud music lol

Not sure its about needing to exert a vice for me its just more about privacy and solitude. Sometimes I dont want to have to see or talk to anyone or have them see me.

Flatemate blues hey. If they shit you maybe tell them your sister/brother needs a place to stay and sorry but they have to leave. I've done that. Otherwise best tip is to lead your own lives.

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thrifty++ said: Not sure its about needing to exert a vice for me its just more about privacy and solitude. Sometimes I dont want to have to see or talk to anyone or have them see me.

Right. I'm suggesting that you examine this pressure. For instance, do you have difficulty politely requesting that another person refrain from engaging you in conversation while you are trying to read? One good method for determining whether you are creating social pressure internally is to ask yourself if the other person has literally made a request of you or straight-forwardly denied a request that you made. Also, it is always better to frame differences in the form of personal preferences rather than deviations from normalcy. For instance, I would recommend that you say something like "It would be my preference that you spent more time away from the flat, so I could have more time to myself." rather than something like "I am worried about your personal hygiene. Don't you think you ought to get out more often?"

Why the change in the behaviour? Have you asked how she is feeling? I'm not saying become her psychiatrist but all I've read is why you are unhappy with the situation. That's just my approach anyways. I haven't been good friends with all of my roommates, but I at least like to be "sort of" friends. It may be a bit of understanding will get you further than ultimatums.

It annoys me when my roommates have done that too. However, it is mostly in my head. They aren't actually doing anything which prevents me from doing exactly what I want.

slsdly wrote:Why the change in the behaviour? Have you asked how she is feeling? I'm not saying become her psychiatrist but all I've read is why you are unhappy with the situation. That's just my approach anyways. I haven't been good friends with all of my roommates, but I at least like to be "sort of" friends. It may be a bit of understanding will get you further than ultimatums.

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Now that you've painted a more complete picture, I am inclined to agree with you. Maybe something to screen for next time you live with someone . That said, nobody is going to be perfect. My own roommate is very lazy on the cleaning side -- I do most of it. But I would say he is otherwise a pretty generous person, so he makes up for it in other ways. Try to think about the things they do that you actually like (if anything) when you are confronted with the awful.

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When you agreed to her moving in, did you actually tell her that she will be expected to leave the house regularly on weekends, sanitise things and spaces, and not use the dryer? All of these strike me as your preferences, which might well be reasonable but not necessarily intuituve to someone else.

henrik wrote:When you agreed to her moving in, did you actually tell her that she will be expected to leave the house regularly on weekends, sanitise things and spaces, and not use the dryer? All of these strike me as your preferences, which might well be reasonable but not necessarily intuituve to someone else.

No. I did say however that I was expecting a flatmate who is busy and active though, to avoid this sort of problem, it said that in the advert too, so she should be aware I do not like people moping around at home all the time. Didnt talk about the other stuff but the place was immaculately clean and sanitised when she came to view the place.

I suggest you talk to her about your conditions then. Passive-agressively expecting someone to comply with rules they are not aware of is probably not a very effective way to go about this.

People have different priorities and preferences. I probably wouldn't be able to tell a sanitised place from an unsanitised one, but I do know that if a landlord told me I'm expected to get involved in regular fortnightly sanitising activites, I'd rather go find a difference place, which of course in your situation would have solved the problem in the first place.
Also, might it be that you're not that different and she's just moping around because she can't wait for *you* to get out more and give her some alone time?

This is absolutely not to criticise your preferences or expectations, the point is just that you need to make them clear if you expect someone else to honour them.

I definitely understand the need for privacy issue. I've even almost managed to convince my 5-year-old daughter that my need for her to be somewhere else every once in a while doesn't make me be bad parent:)

henrik wrote:I suggest you talk to her about your conditions then. Passive-agressively expecting someone to comply with rules they are not aware of is probably not a very effective way to go about this.

Yep agree. I will need to say something. I have already spoken to about expectations around sanitising. Not so much about going out more often though, but I will do so.

henrik wrote:Also, might it be that you're not that different and she's just moping around because she can't wait for *you* to get out more and give her some alone time?

If she does it would be quite rediculous as I am always out. I also go away for work some weeks. On the rare occassions I am at home I dont want someone there all the time. If she is not at work she absolutely never goes out for any reason, except to grab some groceries, or on a few occassions I have taken her out and one occassion she went out for a walk of her own initiative.

Definitely you need to communicate with the flatmate. If I paid money to share a place, my expectation would be that I could stay 24/7/52 weeks a year if I felt like it. And there would be a pro-rated refund of rent if not! If you were screening someone like me, and stated your preference (for that is all it is) up front, I would have walked. Problem solved!

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I think we all want different things, and as much sympathy as I have for your situation, I am pretty sure we would murder each other if we lived together . If I want privacy, I close my bedroom door. Loud music? Ugh, tasteless. I have tended to do most of the cleaning and that doesn't bother me, although from what you have stated, I feel like you have a much higher bar than me. Sanitize the bathroom, particularly sink and toilet, and kitchen counters/stove top regularly? Sure. The whole apartment? Yeah, that's not happening. Unless sweeping and putting things away is sanitizing.

CS wrote:Definitely you need to communicate with the flatmate. If I paid money to share a place, my expectation would be that I could stay 24/7/52 weeks a year if I felt like it. And there would be a pro-rated refund of rent if not! If you were screening someone like me, and stated your preference (for that is all it is) up front, I would have walked. Problem solved!

+1. I assume that I can be in a place I rent 24/7. If that is not the case, that needs to be clearly discussed AHEAD of signing an agreement. If you never discussed this before the flatmate moving in, I can't imagine you bringing this up after the fact.

Also, what exactly do you mean by sanitizing the apartment?